I thought that, of all the people in my life, my mom would be the one person to understand what I've been through in this past year. She has fibromyalgia, too, and she's seen me suffer and agonize over it since I got sick. I got into a huge fight with her last night, and it was all about my fibromyalgia. We were at the mall, getting some clothes for me, and we'd only been to Macy's. I was completely exhausted, and I felt like I was going to collapse, but I didn't say anything when she started looking through clothes for something she wanted. It got to the point where I was so tired I was hanging off of one of the racks, and I know that I looked stupid but I was doing everything I could to keep from just laying down on the floor and going to sleep. She started getting mad at me, and asked if I wanted to be here. I told her I didn't know, because I knew that I needed another shirt, but I was really tired. And she said "Well, you look like you're..." And she stopped, and changed the subject. I knew that what she'd been going to say was that I looked like I was drugged. It upset me, so I just left. She got mad at me and we started fighting in the car. She told me that the reason I was tired was because all I did was sit at home. I told her that I couldn't do anything else, and that I would give anything to be normal again. And she just blamed me for not taking my vitamins. She told me that if I'd just been taking my vitamins, I'd be normal again, and then I wouldn't have reason to have "pity parties" all of the time. I tried to explain to her that I was on vitamins for a while, most of which are too big, and I've always had trouble swallowing pills. The vitamins didn't help. Nothing did, but she blames my entire illness on me, saying that if I'd taken my vitamins, I'd be normal. I told her that the vitamins weren't a cure, and that even if they did help me a little, I still wouldn't be able to go on four hour shopping trips, or to just be a normal seventeen year old. She spent the rest of the night degrading me and tellingme how I want everyone to pity me and that I never get out and do anything and that all I do is watch TV. During the school year, Ican't do anything on school nights. I spend every moment from the time I get out of school to around 6:30 trying to work up the energy to get through homework, alot of which I don't finish because I have to take my sleep meds by 7:30 for them to work by 10:30. Yes, I do watch a lot of TV, but when I'm not at doctor's appointments, my head hurts too much most of the time--not full migrianes like I used to have, just headaches, but I still can't read, which is what I'd rather be doing than watch TV. She doesn't get it that once I sit down on the couch afterschool, I rarely move. I can't move, because I'm that exhausted. And my doctor didn't even expect for me to beable to do school this year, so I'd guess that I'm doing pretty well for my condition. She just thinks that I'd RATHER feel like this, and that I don't do anything. I don't want to be on all of those antidepressants and other pills just so I don't cry all of the time. I don't want those extra symptoms, I don't want the nausea or the withdrawal when I forget them for a few days. I have done nothing this past year but wonder what I did to deserve this. I've done nothing but try to convince myself that I'm normal, and that I don't have to be able to go out with friends on a friday night and stay out late. I tell myself that staying home every weekend and seeing a movie with a friend every few weeks isn't bad, and that I don't mind it. But I do mind it. I've gotten in spats with teachers who couldn't leave me alone about my absences, I've spent nights having nervous breakdowns because I'm too behind in school and I can't catch up. Everytime I try to act like I'm normal, or that I can handle this, something else kicks me down. I would do anything to feel normal again, but I don't want to get my hopes up about something that won't even cure more than one of my symptoms at a time. I need REAL hope, for an actual cure, because without it I wouldn't be this well-put together. So I can't waste false hope on innumerous pills and vitamins, because even if they help a little, I'll still be like this. It hurts that the one person who's seen me go through this all, all of the weeks spent with that one migraine, or the nights I sacrifice my health just so I can finish homework, and end up getting 4 hours of sleep. I have nearly killed myself pretending to be normal, and then to have someone criticize me for not being normal enough, and not having the energy to be as active as I should be, it hurts worse than anything the FM or CFS have thrown at me. I never complain to her. Most of the time, I keep my pain bottled up. She expects me to be a normal teenager, and to keep up with chores and to take my dogs on walks, which I haven't been able to do since early December, when it was still adequately warm, but I'm not normal. And no matter what I do, she refuses to see that. I don't want pity; I've spent so much time hiding the fact that I'm sick, because I don't want people to know. I just want understanding from the people who do know. I don't know what to do or say anymore.