How has FMS affected your marriage/relationship?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by snick63, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. snick63

    snick63 New Member

    The reason I am asking is because it is ruining mine. All I hear is how I am not the girl he married, he misses the girl who could do everything, ect. Well, so do I. This was not my choice to become sick. I was dx'ed 3 months after we got married. I know he has regreted every day since then.

    I know the end of the road is coming soon for our marriage. Too much has been said and damage has been done. I am interested on how others have handled this in their lives? How does their spouse/partner handle it?

  2. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I'm so sorry that your husband feels the way he does. You didin't say how long you've been married.
    If it's a relatively short time, then as hard as this is to say - and to hear, maybe it's better that you know this now. I would think that living with someone who is resentful, miserable etc. would only make you feel worse, guilty etc. and not assist in your healing, emotionally or physically at all.

    I must say, I'm one of the fortunate ones. I've been married for 23 years this August. My husband is a caregiver by nature - so he is wonderful. It hasn't been one-sided though. Throughout our marriage, I have taken care of many many things, given him more support in different situations than I could even tell you. He also feels like one of my family, like he was born into it and not an "in-law" - that gives him an incredible sense of belonging.

    There are SO many factors into what makes a marriage work in spite of an illness. Timing is a biggie. Some people feel they have much more life to live without being held back. To put it bluntly, it SUCKS. We get married for better or worse, in sickness and in health. It's a fact, that some can't handle it, for whatever reason. We want to blame them, but we don't know what is going on in their heads.

    I really think that living with someone who is resentful would be much worse than handling alone. I feel guilt (worthless emotion) but unavoidable sometimes. I apologize all the time for needing to do nothing all weekend. I try not to complain, but my husband knows me well.

    Find support elsewhere - it's obvious he's not going to give it to you - UNLESS you can educate him and make him understand the situation better. You can still love, you can still be a wife - so maybe you wont' be going out at night with him, so your house may not be perfectly in order - so what?

    Is he willing to talk, to communicate, to possibly get counseling, go to Dr.'s visits with you? Very often, lack of education, fear, feeling of loss is what makes people turn away. If there is anything to be saved, I'd certainly try, if YOU want to do that. Only you can answer that.
    I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's quite common that an illness or major change in a relationship can have devastaing effects on a marriage.

    I hope that no matter what lies ahead, you know that you'll be okay!

  3. snick63

    snick63 New Member

    I have been married for 5 years and been with my husband a total of 9 years. He is younger than I am and has no interest in dr. appts and learning anything about FMS. Funny thing about that is he is in the health care industry. I would like to think he treats his patients better than me.
  4. anj211

    anj211 New Member

    I have been married 19yrs. Since i have been diagnosed even before i was diagnosed it has been hard my husband dos have to do a lot more but he rubs it in clearly complains about it which makes me feel a lot worse i was always active before this and did a lot for my family and hubby included i also have 3 children ages 18 15 and12 now i feel my family is falling apart. My hubby does not work i feel eventually i will have to leave because i dont think i can go on like this.
  5. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this along with trying to take care
    of yourself with this dd. Please remember that you are very special.

    I agree with the above poster that said you need to decide if your marriage is worth saving and if it is and you feel that you have the strength then I would go for it.

    I have been married to my husband for 18 yrs this month and dated him for 5 years
    before that. We have two kids 12/15. we have been through alot together and
    communication is huge for us. It's not always easy but we work at it .

    I've always been a busy person and very involved with the kids school
    and a very active person as I like to be busy. So when fibro hit april 2008 it
    was hard on all of us in our family as it meant changes . So now I'm not active
    in their school as I need to save what little energy I may have
    for when my family is at home.
    I try to do simple things for my family when I am able to let them know how much I love them.

    I wish more than anything that they would find a cure for this dd.

    Please know that we are here for you . Gentle hugs, Susan
  6. satchya

    satchya New Member

    I imagine part of this has to do with the "type" of personality you're married to. Dh and I have been married 14 years, and I met him when I was 17. We knew we were each other's soul mates within a couple of days of meeting (don't worry, we were engaged for two years before we actually tied the knot, lol).

    We've been through a lot of good and bad times together, and have done our best to support each other 100 percent. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I'm grateful it's me that got sick, not him. He has always been a very nurturing type person. He is actually kinder and more attentive when I'm not feeling well than when I'm in great health. I am NOT a nurturing type person. The times when he's been not feeling well I really have to fight feeling resentful and emotionally closed off. I'm better at other areas of our relationship than he is, so we even each other out. But thank goodness I'm the one with the chronic illness, and not him.

    My DH wanted to be a doctor, but couldn't afford to go to college. He's got a great career now, and it would not make sense for him to go back to school, but I think the world missed out on a very caring, compassionate doctor. I always knew I could never go into a field that required great compassion like medicine or social work or teaching. I have lots of compassion for my children, and some for my very best friends, but that's it.

    I don't know what to tell you about how to make things better in your relationship. There are bumps and bruises in every marriage, though, even great ones.
  7. leubie

    leubie New Member

    i do not have a marriage anymore. im ok with that now- have made peace with it. may 2208 i fell at work-have been out on workers comp since. i have not gone but to first doc visit(the day i fell). but had to stop going to my pain doctor as my insurance wont pay for pain releted because i have workers comp, my pain doctor would not keep seeing me until workers comp approved. well my life has not been - well - I DO NOT HAVE A LIFE-anymore! this fibro just robs you of everything. family,work,thinking,cleaning. im am so depressed and in so much pain. i live with my parents - supposedlly to help them as they are not in good health- well put it this way-i am not helping at all. i hate myself and fibro! i do not have anyway to help anyone. my only prayer for you is to do whatever YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU! because i do not want you to end up where i am. you can not help yourself much less anyone else. this is a very lonely and VERY DARK PLACE! SO PLEASE DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN. try to stay one step first- for YOU. i think then you can have some sort of life - i pray that for you, i really do!
  8. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    I am VERY lucky compared to a lot of people on this board. My husband is VERY understanding of all the sacrifices we have to make and what I go through. I was already sick when we met but I have gotten A LOT worse over the last 5 years and he keeps taking it all in stride and has NEVER insulted or said anything bad to me "because I am sick".

    I am also VERY lucky that my 2 best friends (also a couple) live with us (we share the mortgage on a big house) and they are very understanding and very helpful. My one friend drives me to all my doc appts because my hubby can't be off during the week and he works retail so I schedule my appointments on his days off. So he uses HIS days off to transport me which I am so grateful for. His fiance is also very helpful, in getting me up for my appointments, doing most of the housework and cooking the dinners. I would be lost without these people and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

    I do all the paperwork and appointment making (for everyone) in the house. Stuff I can do from my computer in my chair or by phone and it seems to run like a well oiled machine with a few bumps. I would not trade these people for anything and I am very happy with my life (except for the being sick part, but if I have to be sick I am glad I have the support I do.)

    I also have my parents support as my mother has FM as well so they know all to well what I am going through.
  9. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    When we first met, I had a very rewarding career in the health field as a counselor; and an athlete all my life. I knew when we met that he liked to be he "boss", but my being older & very independent, we worked things out for the next 15 years.

    My illness began shortly after we married, but it gradually disabled me. I always was the strong one who worked, kept the house up, cooked, etc. (traditional). Then it all ended.
    By then he started becoming more angry & I insisted he go into counseling, which he did.

    The "kicker" which has put me into major shock is when he lost his job 5 months ago (lst time ever), and started talking about how he needed more excitement in his life, and was thinking of leaving!! I've heard of men having mental meltdowns when they lose their jobs, but I had no idea how his job was his "identity". He just kept coming at me, so I started some research & realized that he has a Narcisstic Personality Disorder, so he will always come "first".

    So here I am in my late 60's, housebound, no family or friends, so no support network. It always was just him & me for all those years. He still hasn't figured out where or when he's leaving, so we're selling our ranch, and finding a low maintenance home where I can live with a caretaker in the event he just disappears.

    Meanwhile he's out networking for a job and travels at times. That's when I bring someone in to help me. Therein lies my blessing. I do believe he'll help me until settled in our new home, but I've never lived alone before, and the thought of having a stranger live with me is very scary.

    I feel like I'm in a "box"; with no options, so I try to live day by day; hoping someone will come into my life that will be a caregiver/companion.

    So I"m happy for those who have caregiver husbands, and very sad for those of us who do not.

    Healing vibes to us all................

  10. Rgonza2

    Rgonza2 New Member

    Hi snick63,
    I am 48 years old and in a couple of months will have been married for 30 years. I was always the one that took care of EVERYTHING!! When I got ill, my husbands way of dealing with it was to leave the house and go hang out with friends. He just couldn't handle seeing me so ill and not being able to do anything to fix it. I think men have a really hard time with this because they like to be the strong ones that can take care of us. I was so close to leaving, which I have never even thought of in the past! But, I was too ill to go anywhere, let alone leave on my own. What changed and made the difference for us was him going with me (finally) to my dr (who happened to be a man). When he heard from him just how ill I really was, it was like a switch went on and he realized that I'm not faking it, I want to get well more than anything else in the world! It totally changed and we are closer than we have ever been. I hope your husband will go with you to the doc (if he hasn't already) and if that doesn't work, try to get some counseling from a man that understands FM and can explain it to your husband. I wish you the very very best, believe me I understand and know how hurtful it can be, when at your very lowest, the one thing we really need is support from our husbands!
    Hoping things get better for you soon,
  11. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    I've noticed quite a few posting on marriage/relationships when one lives with Fibromyalgia.

    If your spouse is willing to go with you to your doctor appointments, this is a good way for your spouse to realize and learn about fibro.

    My husband has been with me for many appointments and is has made a big difference in understanding.

    Wish you well

  12. tut90

    tut90 Member

    I'm 61 years old, and have been married for 42 years. I have always said that in order to keep a marriage going, you have to work hard at it, it's no easy, we have gone through some very hard times, but I think it has made our marriage stronger. I will tell you at times I'm shocked about how understanding my husband has been with all this craziness. I was the one that did most of the shopping and house chores, now things have changed, my husband is the one that does the food shopping and most of the house cleaning.

    I think in your case, you have been married for such a short time that it might just be too overwhelming for your husband. Try and see if he would go with you to your doctor's visits, so he could get an idea of what you are really going through.

    I hope things get better for you. Take good care of yourself.