How Many Are Not Able To Do, Except Try To Care For You?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by greatgran, Jan 25, 2009.

  1. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    When I first got sick, I thought it was bad, but for the past year I seem
    to be getting much worse to the point I feel housebound and bedridden.

    I have pushed and just won't give in but seems lately I have not much of a choice. I ache, fatigue, anxiety/depression from not being able to do and want to cry. I have told my family I can't do for them anymore its all I can do is to try to care for me, but they just don't get it.

    I had to stop caring for my greatgrans but now I have to take them to school and do the pick up, which I haven't been able to do. I have been asking for help to do that.

    This is my schedule Mon-Fri. Now my husband does this on Mon and Tues but I am left with 3 days . The little greatgran goes at 9, then granddaughter at 10 , then pick up greatgran at noon, the granddaughter at 2 then get the other greatgran at 3 . I know this doesn't sound like much but its getting on my nerves cause I just don't feel like doing this .

    I hate for my daughter to lose her job but do I keep pushing , I love the children and want to be with them but I just don't feel up to doing
    the transporting. I feel I just want to be left alone and do when I can and not feel the pressure of having to be in certain places at certain times..Is this being shelfish? I am seeing the doctor today if I can get there.

    How many are able to do this and if so how?

    Just needed to vent, Thanks,

  2. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    This has been a bad year, I think, for many of us. I know that I've been so much worse. Not just my FM either. My acid reflux disease has worsened, even though I've lost weight. My sleeping pills don't seem to be working anymore. I had to leave my job that I love and am fighting with my insurance company for benefits. Can't go anywhere or do anything.

    You sould quite depressed. I hope you will speak to your Dr. about this. I know that my depression has been worse this year and it makes you not want to leave the house or do anything.

    I also look after my grandson, who's 2, twice a week. He stays over 1 night. Last week it was 2 nights and it just about killed me. I love looking after him but he's quite exhausting. Has a habit if running and jumping on you and seems to manage to hit every tender point I have.

    I hope you feel a little better. The wintertime, with less sun, doesn't help much. If you're not on antidepressants, maybe speak to your Dr about them. If you are, then see if he'll up the dosage a little to help you get through this time.

    I'm thinking of you.....

  3. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Sorry, you are having a bad year and I think its great you can keep your
    grandson. They are so precious and grow up so fast.

    I have tried many different antidepressants but can't tolerate the side
    effects, yes I feel I am depressed and my anxiety is horrible . I do take xanax and take only buffering for pain . I also have a darn sinus infection, which I seem to keep . I am making a list and going to address all these issues.

    If I could get my mental state well I know it would help . I don't have
    tender points , but horrible body aches and fatigue I feel its more cfs than fm..Who knows .

    I know you will miss your job as I had to give mine up and that was another loss I was so depressed over .

    Good Luck and God Bless,
  4. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member are obviously an incredibly loving mother and grandmother!

    I would NEVER expect my mother to take on the load that you are taking on - never. My Mom helped me out some when my son was little and I mean, only when I was in a bind. She probably would have taken care of my son more, but there was no way that I would have asked her to do that. Just wouldn't have crossed my mind. Now sometimes people need help temporarily until they can figure something else out - that's fine, but I personally don't think it's your responsibility to have to transport your grandchildren around everyday.

    What would your daughter do if you didn't live nearby? YOU are not responsible for her, her children or her job. AND please don't ever feel like it or be made to feel like it.
    You my dear, do not feel well on top of it all! You need to have a talk with your daughter and tell her it's time she finds other arrangements, lovingly. It's just too difficult for you. Heck, tell her your doctor said, no more, if that makes it easier for you.

    I can't stand having to be somewhere and certain times. My life is full of that - I work, I have another job besides my regular one. Kids..and their things going on. I couldn't take on one more thing. Sometimes you just have to say NO, for you. Is it hard - yep. But ya know what - YOU have raised your kids. You don't want to become resentful and you will if you keep going.

    You want to enjoy the time you have with your grandkids. Maybe have them over for an afternoon or a Sat. - maybe when you're rested.

    PLEASE!!! Running around is so tiring - it's my least favorite thing to do. Do not give me an errand to run or I'll run!

    Promise me, you'll ask your daughter to make other arrangements. I'm sure there are other Moms who could help. After school care - something.
    Heck, give me the details - I'll figure it out for you!

    I want you to feel better without the added stress.
  5. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Janalynn is so correct. I am a grandmother and have raised 3 children during the worst of this illness back when it was so new on the scene. I had no sympathy from my kids expecting me to keep up with their schedules.

    I worked direct care and yes, it was harder when the clients hours were spaced apart througout the day. You don't relax knowing you will be running again.

    Know your limits and set your boundaries.

    I know as a grandmother there is the fear if I say no, they will not let me see my grandkids. I think it's a chance you have to take. Tell your daughter in the nicest way and then the ball is in her court. Maybe compormise for one set time and that's it.

  6. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Thank you so much, ok here are the details, hope your aren't sorry you ask and I do need help figuring it out..

    My daughter is a widow and barley makes ends meet , well she doesn't.
    She has custody of her two grand daughters, their dad and mom never married, the dad is in jail and my granddaughter, their mom went down the wrong path. She is back at my daughters now, plus my daughter has a 16 yr old at home. The mother of the children does have a job but no car, so she needs a ride, My daughter has to be at work at 9 and she takes one greatgran which has to be to school at 8, she is in the first grade. The second greatgran is in preschool and can't be there till 9, then their mother has to be at work at 10. Then of course the pickups at 12, 2 and 3. Oh, the 16 yr old gets her own ride and hoping she will be getting a permit soon but she doesn't have a vehicle.

    My granddaughter the mother will be going on second shift from 3 to 11 in a couple of weeks. I would let her have my vehicle to do most of the delivering and pick up but my husband says no, due to her old habits.

    I feel so bad this morning I know this doesn't make since and it isn't as bad as I think but with this dd and now this darn infection I am a mess.

    Thanks for the offer to help but I know I am not clear as to what I am doing.

    I don't know of a parent that can help because most of them work and
    have their hectic schedules.

    God Bless,
  7. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    I was wondering. Have you tried St. Johns Wort? It's supposed to be really helpful with anxiety and depression. Also, pain that's not treated will increase depression. I know all about that one. I'm so sorry you can't take regular stuff for it. I'm on a low dose of Zoloft and God knows I need it.

    Also, they say that many of us are low in melatonin. My brother has just started taking it for anxiety and insomnia. He said he feels like something is finally starting to work.

    All the best,

  8. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    No, I haven't tried St. Johns or any OTC meds for depression. I have some zoloft and going to ask the doc today about it. I tired it for a couple of days and it made me yawn so bad and feel weird but maybe I didn't give it a chance. I did take it once for about 10 days and had the shakes but now I think that was low blood sugar. I sure need something. I have been trying to do this without meds but I feel I need them.

    I never knew melatonin would help with anxiety, I have tried it for sleep but it didn't help but like anything I never stick with it. I am afraid of meds , heck I am afraid of everything.

    Thanks for your replies and help,
  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Okay, many schools have before and after school care for minimal costs, many on a sliding scale. Some wont' even charge if the parent can't afford it and will get paid from the state/county. Preschool- many do daycare as well - many will transport to the elementary schools. As a matter of fact, most do. If both/all kids could be dropped off in the morning, the daycare/preschool could handle the transportation to/from school. Someone (not you) needs to check into resources with getting help from the county/state for getting help paying for it. I'm sure the daycare would even have information on it.
    Does your granddaughter get any state aid?

    My husband and I worked full time - me leaving at 6 am. We had to have others get our kids to school and watch them afterwards - had no choice. We had no help either. It IS doable. Many parents are in the same boat. Your GD is SO lucky to even have you to help as long as you have. You are a Godsend, but ya know what, you can love those kids in other ways, more important and meaningful ways.

    Like all of us, we are learning to say NO - we are learning that WE have to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first. IF anyone ever kept you from seeing them (as mentioned in the previous post) well then that is absolutely ridiculous and a sign of being used and taken advantage of. I or any normal person would never do that - nor any person who really cared about their children. Total BS if you asked me.

    Get your courage up and take care of things. Like I said, tell them your Dr. said no more if you have trouble knowing how to do it. Hey, use whatever means you have. =)
    AND I'm not sorry you asked!! I care.
  10. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    No, my daughter doesn't get any help from the state. The after school
    programs are full. I am going to talk to my doc today and then take it from there. My daughter did take the day off from work today, sure hope she doesn't lose her job as she has missed so much work. Sure wish she could find her a good man so she wouldn't be alone and would help her. Oh, well we will work something out. When I don't feel so bad, the situation doesn't seem as bad.

    Thanks and God Bless,
  11. RENA0808

    RENA0808 Member

    I think you really suit your name!!lol

    You are a GREAT GRAN in doing what you do for your daughter and grandchildren.I helped my only daughter out with child care for my only grand-daughter.

    There where days that I wanted to DIE............I was sooooo exausted and as soon as my duties were over I would go home and SLEEP!!!!!LOL

    My g/daughter is hyper active and VERY bossy but I had No choice but to support my daughter.Her hubby is a very hard worker and they needed to both work to get a home together and I was the only help that they had.

    If they had to pay for child care they would never have got their own place.Even though it was taking ALL my life energy to take care of g/daughter I would never say no.

    And now she is almost 4 and in full time school all day so I have time for me again!
    Plus I will alays be happy to think that I had the closeness and so much love from my little girl and I will always remember the special input that I had in her young life!!!!

    So even though it is hard ..................think of all the love!!

    Take care SUPERGRAN!

    Rena UK
  12. maps1

    maps1 Member

    I just had to reply, i should be in bed so hope message makes sense.

    my daughter started working a year ago, i used to see my three grandchildren (16-14-5) often even though i live 45 min away. that all stopped but as my daughter and son-in-law have to travel every so often i offered to come stay. i have been so sick the last six months or so, worst i have every been (going to post something on this "naturapathic doctor route).

    was over there around second week of december for five days, now they have someone to pick up the five year old from school and take care of him until five and she also made dinner. the older girls basically looked after themselves although they are "teenagers".

    i slept with the five year old and went to bed at the same time but i was so ill and ended up getting angry with the girls and my daughter it was not a good scene. i was supposed to go back ten days later but told her i could not do it, she did find someone else.

    i was still very ill at christmas and not a nice person to be around.

    the reason for explaining all this is that i felt the same way, i miss my grandchildren sooo much but if i continued to do this, well actually there was no way i could, the children know that i am sick and it is hard enough for adults adults to understand. i realized i was now causing damage in my relationship with them and i could not bear to have them thinking that way about me.

    so now i am on a different path hoping to at least regain some of my health and i will try to be patient and hope that soon i can see them and can actually smile, hug and laugh with them again.

    Greatgran, sometimes with this illness we have to make really hard choices, things we would never ever consider if we were normal. i know there is lots to sort out but you do need to consider your health and your body is telling you it needs to back off if only for a while until you feel ready to take some of it back.

    So i am wishing you the very best in whatever decision you make.

  13. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Like the other poster said you ARE a great gram. However it appears that you are kind of in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. I've been there. If you are criticized for either choice, go with the one you want to do.

    You have to take care of yourself, which I am sure you realize. Zoloft has helped me tremendously but even better with added Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer which helps with the anxiety and makes the Zoloft work better. At least in my case. It virtually has had no side effects. I was on another mood stablizer Trileptal and my sodium dropped dramatically. Now there is a warning with the med to have this checked. Sodium is now fine. I fought against taking another pill but it has been worth it.

    An AD can also help with pain.

    I just spent four hours at my daughter and SIL. They have a two year old and another on the way. We had a great time but I am absolutely exhausted.

    Venting can be therapeutic. By taking care of yourself, you may feel better to take on these issues. That is if you choose to. Once you get to feeling better you may find that some issues seem more manageable.

    You have gotten good advice here. Lots of people rooting for you. That is what makes this site so great.

    Let us know what your doctor says.

    Take care.

    [This Message was Edited on 01/28/2009]
  14. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    I don't like to leave my house anymore. I have one grandchild that I have come over and sometimes spends the night he is very self sufficant so he is really not a problem however, when he wants to play games I have to have him come on my bed and bring the game as it is too uncomfortable for me to sit up for any length of time. He will also come in here and watch t.v. with me. I will go out and lay on the couch with him. I use to golf and I wanted to teach him how to play and I wanted to do so much with him and I just can't. I hate living this way. So I feel for you.