How Much Do You Tell Your Kids?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Rain122865, Dec 13, 2002.

  1. Rain122865

    Rain122865 New Member

    I have been very open with all of my children about what is wrong with me. But when I am I tend to make it out to be a small thing and not a big deal I do not want them to worry.But then when I have a day that I am in severe pain and having spasms in body parts I did not even know I owned I don't know how to make them realize that I am ok and it is just part of what I have. The 2 I am most concerned about telling is the 19 and 17 year old. I do not like admitting I am not the mom they once had and I do not want to make them worry about me and I do not want to interrupt thier lives with what I have. I do not even tell them about the pain meds and things I am on or if I do I downplay those as well, but then I have a really horrible day and I get "cranky" (that is putting it nice) and I have to appologize to them and I don't even know where I was going with this now, The phone rang. Geez I think the bottom line is that I don't want them to worry and I don't want to interrupt thier lives but at the same time I need them to understand that there are days when I need understanding? I just do not know how to balance this out. Any suggestions? Sorry if this is hard to understand....blame the phone.
    Rain
    [This Message was Edited on 12/13/2002]
  2. Rain122865

    Rain122865 New Member

    I have been very open with all of my children about what is wrong with me. But when I am I tend to make it out to be a small thing and not a big deal I do not want them to worry.But then when I have a day that I am in severe pain and having spasms in body parts I did not even know I owned I don't know how to make them realize that I am ok and it is just part of what I have. The 2 I am most concerned about telling is the 19 and 17 year old. I do not like admitting I am not the mom they once had and I do not want to make them worry about me and I do not want to interrupt thier lives with what I have. I do not even tell them about the pain meds and things I am on or if I do I downplay those as well, but then I have a really horrible day and I get "cranky" (that is putting it nice) and I have to appologize to them and I don't even know where I was going with this now, The phone rang. Geez I think the bottom line is that I don't want them to worry and I don't want to interrupt thier lives but at the same time I need them to understand that there are days when I need understanding? I just do not know how to balance this out. Any suggestions? Sorry if this is hard to understand....blame the phone.
    Rain
    [This Message was Edited on 12/13/2002]
  3. Trini

    Trini New Member

    The teens are old enuf to handle the truth...don't destroy their innocense by making them your caretakers or take over your responsiblities but they're old enuf to understand the truth abt your illness and help out at home, etc...you'll give them the advantage of knowing and being sensitive to a person who is chronically ill.
  4. Annette2

    Annette2 New Member

    I saw your picture in your profile - it's a great picture! My son is now 24. He was 19 when I was diagnosed and was going through some very serious health problems of his own. But I did tell him about my FMS. I just downplayed it. He is an adult now and very considerate. He will help me out if I ask, and sometimes when I don't ask. Since your sons are young adults now, it doesn't seem as if their lives would be very interrupted. I'm sure they don't need you to drive them places or things like that. They're old enough to prepare their own meals or order out if you don't feel like cooking. Also, since my son still lives at home, he does his own laundry, and cleans his own room and bathroom. He even does his own ironing! The bottom line is, they will take their cues from you. As bad as FMS is, it's not an illness that will kill you - it just makes life very difficult. I hope this helps.

    Annette2 :)
  5. Rain122865

    Rain122865 New Member

    would really like some more input and experices please, I need to do something but I do not want to make them worry which they will even if it is not a life threating illness.
  6. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    Sometimes he is the most understanding, he and my hubby are both incredibly supportive.

    I would encourage you to share, it helps for people around us to understand, give them reading material and even invite them to go thru this site, you would be surprised I am betting on how well they would do.

    Great picture, I used to look trim & fit like that, I am jealous!

    Jaci
  7. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    When I was dx'd my kids were 19, 22, and 25. I told them all what was going on. They all know how to do research and learn as much as they want about CFS/FM and my other problems. I did send them all some articles to read so if they wanted to know more they could.

    This was minor compared to what we had been through the summer before when my middle one was dx'd with bipolar disorder and had two psychotic episodes, during one of which he wrecked my car and could easily have been killed.

    My dx also followed my being tested for everything under the sun due to an extremely low white blood count. That had them more worried, and me too, frankly. At least we know this isn't fatal.

    Your kids need to know what is wrong with you. If you don't tell them they may begin to wonder if something major is wrong. Kids can sense when things are not normal, especially when you begin acting differently.

    Probably the best way to do it would be to sit down with them and tell them and let them have an opportunity to discuss it with you. I didn't have that option because only one of mine was at home when I was going through all this last year.

    Now they have accepted it to varying degrees. Even my daughter is better about it and a year ago she was angry about it and in denial. Now she's offering to come over and cook dinner on tonight. Considering that neither my 91 year old mother nor I is up to cooking a meal, that is a real blessing and will be greatly apreciated.

    Barbara
    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2002]
  8. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Rain, I have four children, 24,22,15, and 12. They all seee that I am not what I use to be, that I now have limitations, and that some days are just plain awful.

    They are knowledgeable about Fibro and CFS, and willing to help in anyway possible. They know that I am not suffering from a terminal illness, that will be my demise. Their concern, care, and support are what we need to keep us going, when we have every reason to be terribly depressed. The knowledge has not interupted or been a detriment to their lives in anyway. They don't worry--we just grow closer. You know there comes a time in ALL parents lives when a role reversal takes place. Often the elderly, who were once the care-givers, switch roles, and their children who were once the dependants, step up to their new role. I took care of my parents when their health failed, and they did the same when their parents needed support.

    We need to admit--we are not our old selves. In most cases our children want to contribute to our health and well being, if only we give them the chance. It helps build them into compassionate, and caring individuals. Communication and openess is the basis for healthy relationships.

    My children ask questions, are interested in the supplements and medicines I take. As a matter of fact my oldest is very knowledgeable about supplements, and is always a good source when I have questions.
    Karen
    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2002]
  9. PMangels

    PMangels New Member

    When I found out why I was having so much pain I told my children. I tried to explain to them the best I could what it was. Of course I have learned more since then. I explain more to them if they bring it up. When children know something is wrong with a parent they can't get answers for, they get anxious and worried. When we know something is wrong with us and we don't get the answers from our doctors, we are the same way. So I say be honest and up front. Kids understand more than you think.

    Arlene
  10. pearls

    pearls New Member

    Tell your children the truth! You need them and they need to be able to help when they can. Tell them it is not life threatening - which it isn't. But tell them, also, how your life is more difficult because of it. Tell them you are in pain. Tell them there are days when you need more understanding. Let them feel they are a part of your life! To do otherwise is to push them away.