How to do this?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kellygirl, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    How do you divorce from someone who is emotionally abusive with no resources of you own? I really need advice. I have been "married" for 35 years to this person.

  2. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    We live in a mobile home, which we own. I believe his new car is in his name, I have a 10 year old focus.

    That's about it. I can get half of his retirement and SS I think.

    How to pay for an attorney?

    How to approach him, I am afraid.

    Where to go to live?..........many questions.
  3. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    that you will be able to get some great advise from others on here who have been through it.

    My daughter left her husband of 15 yers with 3 kids after years of mential abuse also , and never giving her any money for herself of the boys. He also drank a lot of beer and has had manh DWI's in his history. He would call her names and all kinds of things. I do not know if he h ever hit her but he could get pretty ugly at that time.

    All I can say is that she did alot of silent planning which I only found about it later after he husband finally got a new car for himself. She got the broken down truck that had probably about 100,000 miles on it or so.

    I think at the time she was looking around for a job. As soon as she found a job and he bought the other car she told him. She did not go into that to much with me. Of course I am sure he was extremely surprised and he started probably trying to promise change. Well, she almost left hin when their first son was tiny. He worked nights or early mornings and wouldn't come home when he was supposed to , would go out with buddies and drink and such. Eventually she found an apartment and took the boys at least the younger ones. That poor kid is so mixed up. He is now 19 and hopefully is going into the Air Force which should help to straighten him out.

    At that time they also found out the youngest son has leukemia, and at that time she was the one bringing him to his treatments and she had to take off time from work. The little one is now 7 and is in remission. He was 4 at the time. The middle one, now 14 has learning disabilities and of course it was all HER fault. Her X remarried recently and hopefully he has now grown up a little bit anyway.

    Sorry for the whole story and I wish I had alot of the details from her that she could tell you but remember it probably will take alot of planning on your part, especially if he is abusive in anyway.

    Good luck to you sweetie and keep us informed. I know you can do it. My daughter found out how strong she really could be and I know you can be too.

    Love and hugs,
    [This Message was Edited on 08/24/2009</i>]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/24/2009]
  4. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I would suggest going to a women's shelter. They have seen situations similar to yours. They are a wealth of information.

    However, you might also contact a lawyer, as if you move out you could lose your trailer. But moving out because of abuse may be an exception.

    This has to be hard. But you need to think about yourself at this point.

    You go girl!!!

  5. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I am so glad your grandson is in remission.

  6. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Yes, I am moving slowly. Two of my children and their spouses are aware and are fine with it, they have little relationship with him, he is cold.

    This here is a step in the right direction, just coming back to the boards and actually saying what I did, finally facing the truth that I refuse to live like this. It took me years of therapy to finally get my power back from an abusive childhood and then to allow him to do this to me???!!!! It's all because of lack of $$$$$$ on my part.

    I have the number for Women in Crisis. My sister called and they said, yes, I qualify for emotional abuse. But, I hope the lack of funding right now allows me to get the counseling I need now.

    Thanks for your daughter's story Granni........yes, I am so happy for your grandson. Your daughter is a strong, intelligent woman, someone to be proud of.

  7. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    When I first became dx'd in the 80's that started my journey. I attended ACOA and Al-anon. My sister and brother were already attending AA. I had anxiety just driving to the meetings.

    My first request was I wanted "courage", the counselor said, "what do you think got you here?'

    My spouse appears to be what they call a "dry" drunk with his behavior.

    I am grateful for the program. I was treated for PTSD. I was told growing up in a violent home is like a soldier in a war. I could not function w/o anxiety, panic attacks, fear. I had to learn to get in touch with my anger,. I was a statue, as my father told us children should be. I would raise my arms above my head to protect myself from my parent's angry attacks.

    I had to learn boundaries.

    When I interned at a VA hospital before graduating from school in 2004 (I attended p/t) a Vietnam Vet came in and was shaking, could not make eye contact and I knew I was shown this man to show me how far I have come!

    I had to go through the grief of never having parents. Though they were there physically, they were not parents.

    So, to allow someone like this to take my power away again...........! I worked hard to take it back.

    Why it took me this long..I guess because of the fear of NO $$$$$$. Leaving my comfort zone, yet haivng to give up my SELF. I need to have faith to move forward.

    Another journey, more challenges.
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    If you really want a divorce, you need to see an attorney. Whoever sees an
    attorney first, has the advantage.

    If you are afraid, you need to move.

    As we all know from reading Professor Deborah Tannen's book, "You
    Just Don't Understand", women can not keep secrets. That means if you
    move, you cannot call your mother, best friends, sister, hairdresser, etc. to tell
    them where you are.

    This has nothing to do w/ criticism and everything w/ how women are
    raised. Secrets are the mortar that hold friendships together.

    You may qualify for government aid. Try the Welfare Dept., the Childrens'
    Health Dept., etc.

    A big step. Good luck to you.