How to explain to husband that I need dignity!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by aprilhuque, Feb 8, 2003.

  1. aprilhuque

    aprilhuque New Member

    Just got into an awful fight with my husband. I was diagnosed with FMS, Myofacial Pain/TMJ, Occipital Neuralgia, etc. three months ago after a long haul of advocacy and just getting plain ugly in front of docs.

    He seems to think that I need him to tell me when to sleep and rest, when I should be hungry, etc. All I stated was that I needed help with the household chores, i.e. laundry, dusting, etc. I tried to explain and he started yelling and now won't talk to me. He knows about FMS and went to my last neuro appointment with me--I am sure that in your experiences you might have had to deal with this.. my other friends have been supportive.

    Help, that is, if you have the energy!

  2. popgun

    popgun New Member

    If he knows what FMS is he may be afraid of your relationship give it some time because every day will be a test of the relationship.When i get scared I yell and get mad its just my way of dealing with it, doesn.t mean I'm right to handle it that way but it's what I do ,talking is the best way to let each other how you feel. good luck.
  3. Phoenix

    Phoenix New Member

    Maybe that's his way, his only way, of telling you how much he is concerned about you and how much he loves you. Don't make it right, but, I know it to be a motive.
  4. Seagull

    Seagull New Member

    He, too, went to my doc visits and listened and asked many questions, which I was grateful for and the doctor was happy to answer. So, he is gaining a better understanding each day of just how limiting and painful these DDs are for me (I have FMS and Chronic Myofascial Pain, with bilateral carpal tunnel-which surgery made worse-, vertigo-now diagnosed as Meniere's Disease-, and daily fatigue from sleep deprivation).

    Fortunately for me, he has always helped out in significant ways with shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, etc. He is one of those high-energy, type A personalities who never seem able to sit still for long and always need to be on the go. (You know the type -- needs a vacation to recoop from vacation.) Plus, he has always had the tendency to "hover" over me, making sure that I had everything I needed or wanted.

    When we got the diagnoses from the doctors, I knew it would mean that my husband would take over my whole day, if I allowed him to. So, I initiated a better way for him to feel needed and useful to me, but still give me the space I needed to do what I had to do, whether it meant eating or resting or going for my massage therapy. I told him that because my short-term memory was not good as before, I would need his help in just a couple areas. One was to ask me a couple of times during the day if I had remembered to eat breakfast or lunch, and the other was to ask me when my next therapy or doctor appointment is. Once I give him the answers to those types of questions, he is able to relax, knowing that I did get at least the basics of what I need that day. Of course, he already accepts that I rest frequently during the day and that my nights are often late because of being unable to sleep. But, because those are things I explained to him that no one can help me with, he gives me the space and quiet I need to deal with them.

    Maybe if you give your hubby something significant to your well-being to help you with or remind you of, maybe he would relax a little more in other areas. Something like, "Well, Honey, I would like to go for a nap, but I have all that laundry (or dishes or vacuuming, etc.) to do first. Unless you could do that for me when you get home later, then I will be glad to go lay down now." Or something like that, maybe. Just a suggestion. I am sure he really loves you and is just very worried and upset that make your pain and fatigue go away. Maybe if you could get him to see that together as a team you might have an easier time of coping with your limitations. :)
  5. aprilhuque

    aprilhuque New Member

    Thanks, you are all truly gems! I have only been reading and posting here for a week and a half, and it has really helped to steel me for the long haul!! I love the different perspectives, thanks again . . . will try the advice and let you know how we are doing!!

    April Huque