How to help a friend who just had a miscarriage

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Christinetee, Aug 11, 2005.

  1. Christinetee

    Christinetee New Member

    I hope I can count on my pals here to maybe help me help my friend who just had a miscarriage early this morning as I was talking with her on-line. She lives thousands of miles away and I had tickets purchased to go see her before all this took place. I hope she'll be up to me coming.

    I apologize if this triggers anyone who has experienced a miscarriage. My friend is an old 16 year old who has been through sexual abuse, an abortion at an early age from the abuse as well, 2 miscarriages now.

    She wants to just give up now as she's had it. She wonders what's the point to only get let down again. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how one can help someone in this situation?

    I thank-you so much for listening to me,
    Lynda

    T
  2. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    it would be so good for her to have you there in person for support and comfort.

    As for what to say, just say you are sorry. I know it does not seem like much, but it really is all that can be said and all that is needed.

    Sonya
  3. sheried

    sheried New Member

    I agree, GO! Your just being there for her will be a comfort. There is nothing you can say or do at a time like this. Just being there will make her feel loved.

    Hugs,
    Sherie
  4. Christinetee

    Christinetee New Member

    for your compassionate postings. I'm going to go for sure, I hope she'll be okay though. She already had a problem with self-harm and anorexia. We sat there with our webcams on, both of us crying. That poor girl has had more grief than anyone should have to go through.

    Hugs to yous,
    Lynda
  5. yuckie

    yuckie New Member

    Miscarriages while in my early 20's. She needs you there but may not know it. Go to her even if she asks you not to. Also, there's very little to say but she does need to grieve. Let her cry and cry. Please don't tell her there will be other babies (there may not be and that thought won't bring peace to her in this situation anyway). Also, don't suggest you know how she feels (unless you've also suffered a miscarriage with very similar circumstances). What she needs right now is a loving shoulder to cry on and someone who will let her grieve in her own way and own time. God Bless you for being such a caring friend. Take care of you both! Janice
  6. Christinetee

    Christinetee New Member

    I was with her this afternoon, we both were crying our eyes out. I mentioned having a funeral of some kind, even saying some words to her baby to acknowledge him/her. She had to have lost part of the baby a few weeks ago after being with her so called boyfriend. She lost blood then and was clotting.

    She feels so numb and empty. I'm there for her 100% and have let her know even though she knew before.

    I would bring her here but she won't come. She likes to keep near everything that's familiar. Something we can do when I get there next week, is take a train somewhere for the day. Or I can get brave and attempt to drive a car where the steering wheel is on the right side.

    I appreciate your responses very, very much all. It helps me help her.

    Much hugs, Lynda
  7. mhammie

    mhammie New Member

    Christine,

    I can honestly say I know what it feels like to go thru a miscarriage.

    It's something I never will truly get over.

    I have been blessed with 2 boys after my miscarriage. I always wonder if the baby I lost was the little girl, I desperately wanted.

    After I had my miscarriage there were complications, and had to go to the ob/gyn for monthly check-ups for 6 months. After going thru all of that, my husband & I decided I needed to make sure my body was healthy before trying to get pregnant again. Also financially we thought it would be better to wait. We only had been married a yr. We were married almost 5 yrs. before I got pregnant again. It really gave us the time we needed to get to know each other better. I look back and can say I cherish those memories of just the 2 of us.


    I hope she has gotten help with the child abuse she suffered.


    I think it would be great to see if there is some kind of support group, that someone else mentioned, that she might consider going to.

    Anyway just being there now will help. Your friend will still need to have someone to listen to her months down the road. I really hope she gets whatever medical attention she might need after going thru this. It will take time for her to learn to deal with this. Everyone grieves differently, so just continue being the great friend you are to her, and she will get thru it.

    Mhammie

  8. justlooking

    justlooking New Member

    I know what I needed was someone to listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. I didn't want anyone to tell me it was for the better, its what God wanted, you will get pregnant again, etc. I just wanted someone to hear me grieve, not give me advice or tell me its going to be ok. When its just happened to you, you don't understand, you can't hear, you can't see, you can only feel the pain of a loss. And sometimes its better just to listen and say you don't know what to say or how to make it better but be there for what see needs.

    don't try to talk her out of or into getting pregnant again. she will decide that once she has had proper time to grieve and think. One doesn't think logically in a time like this, one thinks with helpless emotion. In time the emotion will change. I didn't think I would ever be able to move on at the time, but I did!

    JL
  9. Sue50

    Sue50 New Member

    and all I wanted was someone to hold me, I needed loving arms wrapped around me, no need for words.
    Sue
  10. Louise1988

    Louise1988 New Member

    and try and persuade her to see a counciler. It really does help and she should be able to get it free through her doctor (we do in the uk).

    The main thing is just to be strong for her and listen to her if she wants to talk to you.

    I hope this helps

    Louise
  11. Christinetee

    Christinetee New Member

    You all help so much. You all are so amazing to give your concerns and caring advice. People read these posts but not everyone posts. I can't thank you all enough. It's so helpful and I feel so fortunate to have come across this site.

    She does live in the UK and she has received counselling in the past. She fights to deal with her past, to keep it inside for fear of breaking the 'family' up. She also received counselling last year when she had her other miscarriage. She also tried ending her life. So scary. But, I will be there for her no matter what. Your advice of what not to say and what can be said, soooo helpful.

    Hugs and love,
    Lynda
  12. nina2

    nina2 New Member

    my only advice would be to just go and be with her.
    She needs your friendship now more than ever.

    Just don't hesitate to be there for her. This is the true meaning of friendship.

    nina
  13. Mary100

    Mary100 New Member

    I have had 3 mc. I found a great chat board babynet.com that really helped me through them. They are very hear to deal with. She is so young to have been through so much. It might do her good to get some counseling.

    All you can really do is pray for her and be a shoulder/ear when she needs one.

    I planted a bush that blooms every spring to remind me of my babies. I also named them to always remember them.

    I hope this help.
    Mary