How to make hubby understand

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by annieoakley63, Aug 2, 2006.

  1. annieoakley63

    annieoakley63 New Member

    Hi everyone. I have days (moreso now than every before) that I feel like doing nothing. I hurt all over and have trouble sleeping. When I say I need help with things in the house he usually comes back with a statement such as this..."Making sandwiches and fixing coffee doesn't take more than 10 minutes....and you don't cook every night...and the dishes can be put in the dishwasher". I'm tired of trying to explain to him. There are times that I want to cry when he makes these remarks and then there are times that I'd like to hit him in the head with a skillet!!! But it would hurt too bad to pick it up. Why can't our hubbies understand what we're going through. And why does he belittle the things I do? I make both our lunches every night, iron all our clothes, cook 5 out of 7 days in the week, clean the kitchen, let the dog out and make coffee. This is an every day thing. If anything gets dusted, washed or vacuumed, I'm the one to do it. He will help on a rare occasion, but he doesn't go out of his way. I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/02/2006]
  2. Lendy5

    Lendy5 New Member

    Hi annieoakley, I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now and I understand because my first husband was this exact same way. My husband would do these same things and belittle me in public.

    Everyone else around me noticed it but I loved him so much that I was blind to it.

    Your husband needs to be taught a lesson to appreciate all the things that you do for him. Have you thought about letting him fix his own lunches, make his own coffee, iron his own clothes, etc. ?????

    Please forgive me for sounding a little harsh but look at the way he is treating you. He needs a wake up call!

    I do hope that the both of you can work things out.

    P.S. You are a beautiful lady


    carolin
  3. annieoakley63

    annieoakley63 New Member

    Carolyn thank you for the compliment and thanks to both of you for your replies. I've tried not fixing his lunch and doing all the other stuff, but then it just piles up. His famous phrase is "If it doesn't get done today, it'll be here tomorrow". I'm trying so hard to make this work, but I get so stressed and frustrated and that only makes my symptoms worse. I'm starting to get depressed, but don't want to take more meds. I'm sure things will work out.
  4. NancyMystic

    NancyMystic New Member

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of feeling so ill. I don't know if there's anything you can do about your husband's behaviour.

    So

    my advise to you would be to primarily focus on caring for your health the best you can. YOU are your best & only caretaker.

    Since rest, avoiding stress, and pain relief are so important to getting stable with this illness, do only the things that are truly essential, when you're able to do them, and leave the rest.

    I would surmise that your dear dog is number one :) since he cannot care for himself and depends on you for that. He probably gives you love & support more than anyone else, too, and this is very healing.

    The rest may pile up, yeah. Let it pile up.

    Or if you can afford it, hire someone to take care of it.

    Getting good therapy to help you sort through all the stresses and deal with them calmly is something I hope you have in your life, too.

    Couples counselling might be helpful.

    I truly hope you'll take good care of yourself in order to feel that you have some control over this illness and your life.

    Nancy
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I've quit trying! I think it's useless to try to get men to understand and/or have any compassion -- especially if they have never been sick a day in their lives.

    My DH still works full-time, runs our farms after his "day" job and on weekends, does all the outside work like cutting grass, etc.

    He's 61 now and says he's too tired to do anything in the short amount of time that he's in the house in the evenings and if I'm not able to do it --- for me just to NOT DO IT!!! He has arthritis and hobbles around here like he is just as bad off as I am!! LOL He always tells me that I"M not the only one sick in this house! LOL

    So, I just let things go that I'm not able to do. My grandsons stay all night about 1 night a week and I pay them to help me a little -- but they are only 8 and 10 yrs old! My one daughter will help some running vacuum and the other will help cook a meal on Sunday afternoons (only then).

    I do what I can, and what I can't, I just don't worry about any more.

    But I have given up on trying to get the DH to "understand." I save my breath, I need it more than trying to talk to him!

  6. jjdg

    jjdg New Member

    I guess we are all seem to have DH problems,well most of us anyway,i have complained before about mine.He has been treating me like crap for about 6 months ,this time,he has done this before and he doesn't undersatnd that it is abuse,i was in an abusive relation ship before but it wasn't just verbal and emtioal,it was physical too,but i always fought back,this one hasn't hit me and he knows no matter how bad i feel i can muster up the strength to bust his chops if he ever hits me,and i will call the cops too.I feel the mental and emotional is worst than getting hit,the bruises heal the words don't.he swears im not sick that he heard the doc's say it was all in head,which one did,but i had my doc now give me a letter saying i was totally disabled pysically,and i see a therapist who also told him i'm not well,and how stress makes me worse,he doesn't seem to care he has been working out of town the llast 2 weeks and I LOVE IT,i have never lived by myself there have always been kids here or husband,i feel so much better with out him,he will be home tonight and my sugar is up and i'm getting stressed,i have nothing to fall back on except my kids who are there for me,but i don't want to live with any of them i want to be by myself.sorry to ramble,good luck with what ever you decide to do.janet
  7. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Hi AnnieOakley,

    I hear the pain and frustration in your message. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. Your husband will never understand fully. Even my husband who is totally compassionate tells me that he cannot identify with what I go through. He says that he would probably put a gun to his head if he had to go through all the stuff we do.

    My advice,hon, what has really helped me. Let it go. As long as you push yourself to do anything that is more than you can do, your husband and everyone else will think that you are fine. You have to stay in bed or on the couch. Someone else suggested that you just take care of yourself. I agree with that. That's what I do when I am too sick to do anything else. It's hard to do, but that's the only way they will get that you cannot do anything and need help.

    Don't complain or plead or argue. Just be your sweet self and take care of your sweet self only. Love your husband and maybe tell him you wish you could do more, but you can't.

    Best of luck,

    Lolalee
  8. annieoakley63

    annieoakley63 New Member

    Thank you all for your replies. You'll never know how much they mean to me. After this weekend, I'm going to take your advice. I'm going to start concentrating on ME and what MY body tells me I can and can't do. I'm going to stop karate altogether becuase it just hurts too much. (Sorry if my spelling is off, but my meds are kicking in) My step-daughter invited herself, her girlfriend and our granddaughter over for supper tomorrow night so I'm cooking for them. But I'm going to make them clean up the mess. I'm finally realizing my limits.

    Thank you all again.....soooooooo mcuh!!!! You're all a blessing!!! BIG HUGS!

    Donna
    [This Message was Edited on 08/04/2006]
  9. IEMom

    IEMom New Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so important for your husband to realize your pain is real. Will he read an article or document about FM? Would he come to this site and read some of the postings?