how to make progess ANYWHERE when symptoms constantly cripple me...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bewell4, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. bewell4

    bewell4 New Member

    Help, help, help.
    I hate being poor. It really scared the life out of me. Just a few months ago I started reading lots of books on money management. That was good, as I realized that lack of money was not my only problem. How I spent/did not save was also causing me to feel terror about being able to pay the rent, etc.
    One problem is that I just really do not like living on welfare-level "wages".
    Some days/moments I think I am better and that I must get a job...other days/moments I am bawling like a baby and can't even get myself showered, dressed, or fed.
    I keep trying to come back to just getting out of the negative thought patterns/ feeling like a victim (frankly, I think I am a victim...but crying about that doesn't get me too far, so...)

    Today there was a yearly business meeting with the local people doing the business I am trying to do. And I think I could make a livable wage doing it. But it requires things like NETWORKING (what I missed today and a thousand other times over the last few months and years) often when there is a chance to do something important, then my child is exceptionally high-needs that day and sucks all of my energy. Or I wake up feeling like I've been kicked in the head and slipped some nasty drugs in my sleep, or in so much pain I can't function.
    How do you deal with the ups and downs??? without the downs just kicking you and keeping you down???!
    Sometimes i think i just need to face the fact that this is it and i have to adjust to living this way. but i can't afford rent or groceries and so how can i just face it?
    I am just so full of grief and anger today....I really really have so much I want to do and I hate not being able to do it! Plus that fact that i want to financially stable*******!
    I know, the economy and all...but I don't care. i still want to feel safe! and i actually want to find a way to BE safe financially!
    How is anyone managing to survive with an illness like this???
  2. quanked

    quanked Member

    physically, financially, mentally, etc. If anyone has a formula to achieve this for all then that person would be financially safe for life : )

    I can only share with you what works for me when I remember what works for me. In the end it all boils down to perception and the thoughts we feed ourselves. Sometimes I forget what I am about to write here but I eventually remember after I twist in the storm for awhile.

    First, nothing lasts forever--not the good times or the bad times. I have had my ups and downs physically, financially, relationship good times and bad, family relations good and bad, etc. When I am able to reign in my thinking to where I am being more balanced and reasonable in my thinking then I know I will be okay. I have times of plenty monetarily where I worried about having enough. I have had times of being on the edge fianancially and feel like I had all my needs and wants met, and all the lies between these feelings. When I have a surplus of toilet paper (lots of it) I feel wealthy yet be broke in reality. Silly, I know, but this is how I feel.

    Dealing with my illnesses is more tricky. When I have bad days after bad days I can begin to feel very fragile mentally speaking. I have survived a great deal of loss, emotional turmoil, abuse, etc. and I know that terrain well. When I was in my 30's and took stock of what I had lived through I knew then that I was strong and could survive anything. With these dd's I am in unknown territory and I am not so certain some days. But I have learned that, as with my life, there are better times and some tough times and that neither seem to last forever. How we deal with the variations is through perseverance. We put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Some days I cannot allow myself to think much because my thoughts can bring me down even further than I already am. I have to be careful because I do not want to beat myself when I am down. If I am able to I come to this website. It helps me to think about others and their needs and I often find comfort by reading others' posts meant to comfort others. It diverts me from my own suffering and it helps me. Sometimes I just go to bed and cover myself and tell myself comforting things because I can no longer physically move. I try to treat myself like I might treat a sick and suffering child. I tell myself that I can only do what I can do and there is no point in berrating myself for what I am not capable of doing. I would not do this to an enemy. I give myself some mercy. I tell myself whatever does not get done does not get done. The world will not end. If I cannot keep my surroundings in the state I would like then so be it. It will not kill me. A lot of things do not kill me these days : )

    In the end I ask myself what is the worst thing that can happen to me if I do not have something or cannot do something and I let it go. I can only do what I can do and feeling bad about it and being cruel to myself about it does NOT help me or anyone else around me. I do deep breathing and let lots of things go. I am not who I was with these diseases and no one else here with these dd's is--no matter how much we want to be.

    Grief and anger are just part of this process and they do not leave one anytime soon. We have to learn how to live with uncertainty on a level that people who do not have these dd's do not. Just a fact of life that we can argue with but we will never win that argument. Sometimes I just have to taLK to myself like a teacher or parent might talk to someone less wise. I have to point out the obvious and logical to myself one more time. If I don't I often find myself acting and thinking foolishly--behaving in ways that are detrimental or at the very least in ways that do me no good.

    Hang on and remember it is a process and always remember--this too shall pass.
  3. maps1

    maps1 Member

    I can truly relate to your feeling of feeling safe and the grief and anger this illness creates is devastating but unfortunately for a lot of us it is grieving process until we reash acceptance. You are being way to hard on yourself, perhaps making a list of things you have managed to do in spite of this illness, one of which you have obviously managed to find food and accomodation for you and your child.

    If you do not have any money for rent or groceries this is quite serious, are there any organizations you can reach out to for help on this because this is scary

    I try to do one thing a day to move my life forward and when that does not happen i just write the day off and tell myself thier will be a next day. Small steps are great but if you set the bar higher than your illness will allow their is going to be a crash and it really makes the illness worse.

    So sorry you are feeling this bad and I really hope you start to see some better days.


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