How to tell someone you're involved with?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dani78xo, Sep 20, 2008.

  1. dani78xo

    dani78xo New Member

    So I've had FM and CFS for almost three years. In that time, I just had a few close friends that knew, along with my family.

    My friends were really supportive. They never judged me on it like some other people might have (which is why I didn't tell anyone else). They helped me get through the really rough patches, and didn't walk away when I started hiding from everyone else my age in a bid to forget that I was sick, or to keep them from finding out that I was sick, because it was pretty apparent at school.

    I'm in college now, and I feel like I have a lot more freedom, though I haven't told anyone yet, but there are girls in my house that I think I could trust. Especially one of them, who I've gotten really close to.

    Anyway, there's this guy I've seen a few times, and it looks like it might turn into something long-term. I haven't even looked at a guy since I got sick, because I didn't want to run into THIS situation. I'm really attracted to him, he's attracted to me, we're compatible. But I know it's going to come up at some point.

    No one can get THAT close to me and not suspect something. I don't want him to take it personally if I have to cancel because I'm sick, but can't tell him the truth. I'm good at hiding my pain and exhaustion when I want to, but sometimes it's just visible.

    I'm not planning on telling him SOON, but I know I'll have to eventually. I'm just worried he'll be the first I tell to take it badly. I don't really see why someone WOULD take it badly, but people are people, and good or not they have their own opinions and ways of looking at things.

    How do you tell someone you're involved with that you're sick? I mean, I've been better recently and haven't had to worry too much about troubling symptoms, except for those caused by stress, but I know when winter hits it'll all go downhill. I don't do well in the cold.

    So how do you tell someone you're involved with that you're sick? We're both young, by the way (college-aged). I'm not sure if younger people tend to react differently than older ones.
  2. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I can't imagine how tiring it must be to try to hide an illness...

    If he's a friend then tell him, if he runs, then he's not the man you think he is and you would be better off without him.

    Why are you so worried even about the girls that you think you can 'trust'? If they're flighty and have no compassion for a difficult illness....then they have a lot to learn in life.

    I'm so happy that you're in college and doing better and I know what you mean about the winter months coming. I do better in the warmer months too.


  3. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I can't add much more except to say that I understand your feelings. It's well and good to say that people who love you SHOULD understand, but fact is, they often don't. It's hard. They see you looking good and putting all that energy into pretending and they buy it because it's easier than understanding something so odd.

    Still, Nancy's right. What's true is true and you need to know now if he's going to be around in the hard times. Even without your particular illness, life has a way of giving us lemons now and then. You need someone who will be there for YOU, as you will for them.

    Keep us posted, OK?

  4. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    College is a great time to find out which people are real , transparent and sincere. One way to find out what someone is like is to be real with them and see how they react. If they are genuine , caring people , they will react in an adult way and accept you just as your are.

    If they are immature , flighty , and shallow , you will find that it is all about them . They will go with the people who boost their ego and their agenda and dump people who won't support their life style .

    I say good riddance . Who needs people like that in their lives ? Sometimes illness is a great way to get to the core of someone. I like the quote " People are like teabags. You really know what they are like when you drop them into hot water."

    Take care , you have a wonderful life ahead of you!

  5. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    Personally I don't think you should "hide" your illness from anyone. I mean don't walk around with a big placard daying I am sick but just go about your ways and if people see that you are sick then so be it. If you make friends with someone then explain in greater detailed what is involved with your illness so then can understand from the beginning.

    As for with this guy, I would tell him soon. There is no point in starting a relationship if he is not going to be able to handle it so bring it our front and center, let him know what goes with your territory. If he is a good guy then he will be ok with it and willing to work with you to keep a relationship.

    I have learned in my life that honesty and openess is always the best policy. I don't hide my illness from anyone (I don't broadcast either) I just live. Some people will be idiots about it but we can't help that so we just move on and some people will be really great about it and those will be your good friends. There is no way to find these good people if you're always working on hiding something, not to mention the energy that takes.

    Give yourself some freedom, just be yourself, take that extra stressor out of your life and just live.
  6. soleil16

    soleil16 New Member

    When I started college in 2003, I had been sick for about 4 years but was trying to hold life together. I met a guy within the first week of school and started dating him about a month later. And from all the stress and newness of life, I got really really sick. I hadn't been diagnosed at that point, but I explained to him what was going on- why I couldn't go out or be a normal person.

    We've been married a little over a year now. I know it doesn't always work out like this, but there are guys out there who will be willing to accept you and work with you on this. Honestly, it can be difficult. My husband was scared to date and marry someone with serious health issues. But the whole process of telling someone and seeing how they treat you can really determine if you should make it a long-term relationship.

    I would be up front with this guy about your limitations and explain that he should not take it personally. If he is compassionate and understanding enough to accept this, consider yourself lucky. And if he's not, then also consider yourself lucky that you found out early on in the relationship. This DD is a huge part of your life, and you won't be able to hide it from those close to you for too long, so being realistic about it before you get worse this winter will save you from a lot of stress.