how would you like your dh to treat you?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by homesheba, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. homesheba

    homesheba New Member


    i would love him to
    actually OFFER to help me with something,

    with out grumbling.
    or without 'the look'..
    .or the 'blowing' noise...

    i wish he would bring me a flower every now and then, even if its out of the yard...

    id like for him to bring dinner or lunch home
    for us or offer to cook for me...

    i wish he would put his arm around me
    when we are at church...

    id love for him to ask me if i needed anything...

    id love it is he would help me in and out of the car- (that is IF we 'ever did' anything together....)

    what about you?

  2. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    but sometimes it is hard not
    to think about the ' what ifs'..

    we have been married 35 years this may.
    i just wondered if anyone else had
    these same thoughts as i do....
  3. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    My husband is a gem. A precious gem.
    He asks me how I am every day (several times), He will walk to me carrying a bottle of lotion, then carefully lift my legs from the couch, sit down and start rubbing my legs and feet.
    He encourages me to rest or nap.
    He runs all errands.
    He cleans if I simply cannot. He always does the toilets =)
    He kills spiders.
    When I haven't prepared a meal and I am in tears because I don't know what to make (it's too late) or have no energy, he takes over without a word.
    He brings me fresh flowers every week. I don't care if they're from the grocery store, or the backyard.
    He's loves my Mom and would do anything for her as well.

    There are other areas that I always wished he were a little different - more of a go-getter, took more control over our finances, better communicator etc. but he has more than "shown up" in other areas, that I just can't complain anymore.
    I've learned you take the good with the bad. If he were all of the other things that I had wished, maybe he wouldn't be the way he is where right now it counts for me.

    He actually brings tears to my eyes when I see him carry my cup of coffee to me because I can't walk.
    Right now we are going through a very difficult time (he just lost his job) and it's been a horribly stressful week, but writing this post just made me realize that in spite of the devestating hardship we've been handed, I AM blessed.
    Watch for them (the blessings)look in every nook and cranny, in every person in your life. They're there, either in a corner or around a corner...

    Sorry to "hijack" in a way.

  4. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    my husband takes great care of me, he cooks, cleans, brings me meals in bed if I'm not able to get up.

    HOWEVER, I find that I actually resent him sometimes because I don't want a carer, I want do these things myself.

    He's not a saint by any means but he's good to me and I'm very lucky to have him. He understands my illness and he loves me.

  5. cookie1960

    cookie1960 New Member

    like a Queen! But it didn't take this DD to get to that point. He has always treated me that way. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones from some of the posts I have read.

    My mother always said: "Judge a man by the way he treats his mother". She was right. Now he takes care of both of us*.


    *but she lives in her own condo - I'm not stupid (lol)
  6. katiebug61

    katiebug61 New Member

    This is a 2nd marriage for me and DH. We have been married 7 1/2 yrs and he has been a gem since I married him. He is my reward for what I went through the first time around.
    He brings me home a bouquet of carnations, my favorite flower, when he knows I am really down. He can tell when I am hurting before I can even say anything. He makes supper when I am hurting too bad. He doesn't grumble either. He does most of the laundry. I do what I can when I can and he appreciates that and knows I am doing what I can. I have had back problems and several deaths in my immediate family and he has been such a rock for me.
    I can't complain one bit. He treats my boys as his own. I wouldn't trade him for the world.
    I am not trying to make anyone else feel bad, but I do thank God for sending DH my way!
  7. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    wow everything you wish for i have my hubby is a sweatheart i wish you had these things too
  8. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    I had a long discussion with my ex-fiance earlier today about how much easier this DD is withOUT having to deal with a difficult DH. My ex-h was fond of calling me lazy a$$ and this was years before FM overtook me. I had to ASK permission to take a nap or to sleep late and he grumbled whenever I did.

    Our son was a handful in those early years and did not sleep through the night until he was 4 years old (no joke). I was heavily involved in my daughter's activities (sports, scouts, school), going to Univ of Houston part time to finish up my degree, AND trying to deal with a very precocious, difficult child. I was the walking dead. "D"h was of no use. I used to cut class just to get some sleep.

    So now I do as I please, nap when I want, sleep until 3:00 pm if my body demands it. I'm not lonely nor do I long for a man in my life.

    I am sorry your DH isn't the man you wish he could be.

  9. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    but youd have to know
    the particulars in us 'getting, being and staying' married for this log...
    but truly i am very happy for you ladies
    out there with good and loving mates.
    it is a blessing
    and i do look for them in my marriage also.
    sometimes tho-
    i do need someone to talk to-
    girl to girl,
    so to speak-
  10. deb_46

    deb_46 New Member

    Been married 31 years and it has not all been great but we made it work. Before I got sick I worked a very physical job and he was always good to help me around the house and such.

    About a year ago he started going through a "midlife crisis" after he turned 50 and it hasn't stopped yet. It got so bad I filed for divorce in January but we reconciled but it's been very tense and awkward since. He developed a gambling problem during this time and I couldn't keep him out of the casino and finally convinced to have himself banned, that was the condition to reconciling. But, it's still not over, as I type this he is gone to look at motorcyles. We had this argument a couple of years ago and he got a four wheeler instead.

    This past year in a effort to keep him happy we bought a boat. As I figured he hasn't used either one a dozen times total.

    Every day he asked if I've heard anything about my SSD, had my hearing June 6th. I know if I get it he is going to make a b line and get a motorcycle. I'm driving a 1996 Honda and he is driving a 1989 Chev. truck, we both need new vehicles but he has become selfish enough this past year he'll get a motorcycle instead. The plant he works at is in trouble and they have cut out all overtime so we are barely making it as it is.

    Wow, I better shut up, kinda got wound up. Bottom line, he has no sympathy anymore in regards to my health isssues so I keep all my issues with that to myself and deal on my own.

  11. layla1954

    layla1954 New Member

    My husband and I were married for 9 years, my third marriage and his second. He was so good to me, always did his share of the housework or more, was great with my family, we went to church every week and he would always put his arm around me or take my hand.

    He drove me to work if my equilibrium was messed up, and always did the grocery shopping. He was understanding of my not being able to have much of a social life because of fatigue, and he would tirelessly rub the knots in my back - I didn't even have to ask.

    He always knew just what gifts to give me for Christmas and special occasions and he NEVER forgot our anniversary or my birthday.

    I always treated him just as well as he treated me... we were both so good to each other, kind and thoughtful and we never argued. We always enjoyed the time we spent together. There was never once any doubt in my mind that we would grow old together.

    Then came a time when he had some personal stresses in his life (dad died, job problems, a difficult recovery from minor surgery) and although he wouldn't talk about anything much I knew he was depressed.

    One day he hinted that he'd been checking the classifieds about the cost of renting an apartment, that he was thinking of leaving. I was STUNNED. He said he loved me but he just wasn't happy anymore. That he was a "free spirit" and needed to be on his own to pursue his own goals.

    The next thing I knew he was gone. I was going through physical therapy at the time and barely able to work. He left me with a house, a mortgage, a lawn, two cats and a dog, to take care of by myself.

    I couldn't afford to keep the house and I couldn't take care of the yardwork, so I moved away to be near my family and got an apartment, found a wonderful new job, and set to work on learning everything I could about this DD so I could, hopefully, improve my condition enough to have some kind of a life.

    So that's my story. Things change, people change, or sometimes they turn out not to be who you thought they were at all. It's been over two years and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I have gone through all the rage and grief and shock and come out the other side. It's still hard, but I've learned a lot of new coping skills and I feel good about my own courage and determination.

    For those of you who have wonderful marriages, you are so blessed! Every day of your life that you spend with someone you love - husband, kids, grandkids, friends - is a day worth living, IMHO.

    Gentle hugs to all, and sorry this post is so long,
    layla1954 (Lee Ann)
  12. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    mine - he also went thru the biker stuff,
    and addictions and i think now-
    the midlife crisis...
    in fact he keeps a journal laying around with stuff written about me
    and daily activities,
    which of course he must Know that ill look at it-
    that HURTS alot....
    there is no need to ask him why..
    he will just give me a look and well-
    he really doesnt care to put it mildly.
    so anyway,
    i also am glad that many here have good marriges,
    and i pray they last
    and will get even better as time goes on.
    i pray that someday mine will get better also.
    actually it has to some degree.
  13. deb_46

    deb_46 New Member

    My marriage has gotten so bad he has threatened to call SSD and turn me in because if I feel up to it sometimes I'll watch our year old grandson. He says he'll call them and I'll end up with nothing. This happens when I haven't jumped through the proper hoops for the day in his opinion or crawled far enough up his a$$.

    I too, am so happy for those on this board that have loving and supportive husbands, it is a blessing, as I said mine was pretty good until the "midlife" stuff hit and it is just not ending. I've begged him to try anti-depressants as I can see he is depressed but he won't, heaven forbide, that might solve the problem.

  14. otis89

    otis89 New Member

    homesheba, i, like you have alot of "i wishes" as far a as the husband goes, mine, like yours, dont have alot of sympathy as far as what are limits are in dealing with this illness, you would think by now that they would realize how hard it is just to do the simplist of things like pushing the cart at the supermarket, i always without fail asking him to do it because im too weak, by now i would think he would remember and do it automatically, but no he doesnt, and odds are he never will, and that hurts alot, i definitely know what pain you are in emotionally, but we cant change them no matter how hard we wish, i would literally fall down in shock if he would ever say"oh, let me do that for you", or "would you like some help with that", i get more sighs, and heaves and hos,that you could imagine, i weigh done his life, and he isnt
    going to stop living on my account, so he says, but, like
    yourself, probably feel like we couldnt make it on our own, thats what we need to overcome, or at least i do, i can only speak for myself, but, a hug goes out to you.....otis89

  15. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    we all lived closer.
    even my friends here dont understand - as they all have good mates
    and dh treats them like real people....
    it hurts so bad but like you said-
    there is no place to go .
    and now i cant see who would want me anymore...
  16. shaz73

    shaz73 New Member

    its such a shame. I don't have a partner at the moment, but just had to end a situation I was in with a guy. Although my CFS wasnt why its ended, I know that having to explain why I was tired so much was, well tiring actually! And all the emotional stuff of getting close to someone didnt help me dealing with life day-to-day. Does anyone else know what I mean? I feel like I am oversensitive to romantic rejections.

    Those of you with understanding partners are truly blessed.

  17. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    mostly inores me it feels like.
    so either way,
    it feels pretty much the same...
    he may come in 'to ck on me',
    but in reality
    it really feels like he wants to know
    if im asleep so he can leave or whatever.
    pretty sick huh?