Hubby has NO CLUE about my DD's

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kellyamos, Sep 8, 2006.

  1. kellyamos

    kellyamos New Member

    I am 44 years old and I was dx with RA in 1999, 1 month after our wedding. Then dx with FM in August, 2005. My husband is just downright insensitive and rude to me. I just don't know what to do, I am devastated by how he treats me. I am hoping someone can PLEASE give me some advice. Let me give you a little history:

    I have been working full time (don't know how I have been doing it though)and we both work for the same company but in different locations, up until June 1, when I had to have surgery on my hand for carpal tunnel & tendonitis. Surgery went fine, but the day I got the stitches out, I was driving down my street to go to the pharmacy and a lady just backed right out of her driveway. To keep from T-boning her, I slammed on the breaks....well my hand hit the steering wheel and ripped the incision wide open. Blood and fluid was literally pouring out of my wrist.

    Over a period of the next 3 weeks it got severely infected, another surgery, then over the next few weeks after the second surgery, the whole in my wrist would not heal.... another surgery to cut out the dead tissue and sew it up.

    So I have been dealing with the stress of 3 surgeries in 3 months as well as the pain of the RA and FM. So now, on to the hubby's nastiness.... He tells me periodically that many people ask how I am doing and they are concerned about me. He told me his response to them is "Oh, she is doing just fine". I told him I am NOT fine and he knows it, so why sugarcoat my illnesses as if they are no big deal. Also, he didn't even tell his parents about all of these recent surgeries. They found out when they came to town a few weeks ago and we had dinner with them (they live about 4 hours away) and they saw my arm all bandaged up.

    Now here is one that REALLY cooked my goose. A couple weeks ago, there is a lady that works for the company and her boss had my husband do an investigation on her because she was seen falling asleep at her desk many times. (my hubby is a Security Investigator for our company. He told me that apparently he discovered that she had CFS and how he felt so sorry for her and stated "Now THAT is a horrible disease that I would not wish upon anyone".

    I then said to him "So what, do think my diseases are a just a walk in the park and that having CFS is sooooooo much worse than my RA and FM"? He then said "Trust me, you do not want this disease, it is really horrible".

    I was flabbergasted. I have asked him many times over the years to read up on my DD's so he can know what I am going through. Of couse he never has. But now he feels so bad for this lady, but WHAT ABOUT HIS OWN WIFE?

    These are just 2 examples... I could go on and on.. Another frustration I have with him is after work, Monday through Friday he goes to this bar that is by his office. He stays there for at least 2 hours every day so he gets home between 6:30pm and 7:00pm every evening.... I have had it. I keep telling him many times over the past year or more that this has to stop, he is spending a TON of money. But to no avail.. He also buys crap all the time that he does not need.

    I even printed out a list from my bank's website of 3 months worth of all his spending and highlighted all of his charges to the debit card to show him. It averaged out to be about $900.00 A MONTH. I was floored. He just threw it to the side and said "I am not looking at that".

    Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest. My doc took my blood pressure last week at an appointment and it was 153/100. They could not believe it was so high as it used to be like 102/62.

    I don't know what to do. I am so frustrated and stressed which of course we all know that causes our DD's to become much worse. If anyone has ANY words of encougagement, I would greatly appreciate it....

    Thanks All, Kelly
  2. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    Why do I have the feeling your husband is FULLY AWARE of your condition??? Sounds like he's very hostile towards you. Has it been that way all along through your marriage? Or has it started more recently?

    Regardless, (my opinion just from your story) there's some serious communication needed between the two of you. My hubby is basically a good guy but he has hostility toward me sometimes. He's such a good, stable person normally - it's passive/aggressive behavior on his part because he doesn't like confrontation. Problem is, I don't know what the REAL problem is...why is he hostile? He won't tell me what's wrong.

    And that is the question I have for your husband. What is really going on? What is he angry about or afraid of???

    I hope your husband will TALK to you...mine won't. I go to counseling by myself and it has really helped me to deal with this. I can see now that, believe it or not, I also contribute to our marital mess...we all play a role, even if it's a little role. I realized that I wasn't being the loving wife I should be. His behavior doesn't excuse mine.

    Speaking of which, I heard a wise man on the radio once. He is a psychologist and had a female patient who was on the verge of leaving her husband who was very inconsiderate and hostile. He advised her to take just 30 days and for that 30 days to be just as kind and loving as a person could possibly be towards her husband. He suggested that after she did that for 30 days that she could leave and the husband would be devastated. This idea appealed to her as she wanted to make him hurt.

    The patient didn't ever come back in for another session. The psychologist ran into the woman a few months later and asked how she was now that she was divorced. She exclaimed "Oh, NO! I'm not divorced! I wouldn't dream of divorcing such a wonderful man!"

    Then she shared her story:

    She took his advice and did just that for 30 days...showed this man unconditional love and kindness...went out of her way to be good to him even though he was still nasty to her. After the first couple of weeks, she started noticing some small changes in her husband's attitude. By the end of the 30 days, even though their relationship wasn't perfect, it was definitely headed the right direction. She continued to show her husband love and her marriage completely turned around within a matter of months.

    I just wanted to share that story. I've never been able (or willing maybe) to try it myself...but it makes sense. Just something to think about!!!

    GOOD LUCK! I hope things do get better for you!!! Sorry for such a long post!

    TERRY
  3. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    But your husband has some serious issues that need to be addressed! You need to love him enough to confront these issues and NOT BACK DOWN!

    AND if he refuses to change or work it out... then you'd better see an attorney!!

    Take good care of you!!

    CarolK
  4. encantare

    encantare New Member

    I went thru this whole thing with my first husband...and I say my first husband because we are now divorced and I'm (years later) engaged to a wonderful man who is completely opposite. It became impossible to please him or even get him to comprehend what I was going thru. Also, I posted yesterday about FMS and CFS being the same illness. It just manifests differently in different people. So there is really no reason for him to feel sorry for this woman and not give you the support you need. I hope you can find a way to work thru the issues with him, or without him...but just do what's best and right for you. You are not alone! Just remember to always be honest with yourself and your partner. You can't really go wrong that way.
  5. barbinindiana

    barbinindiana New Member

    I hear this problem sooo many times on this board. It's just sickening that so many people treat the person that they are supposed to love the most so awful.

    I'm just so so sad for everyone on this board that have loved ones that are treating them like dirt because they can't understand, care enough, love enough, or don't want to.

    I've heard many times that we teach others how to treat us. I know in the 21 years that I put up with a unloving husband that was what I did without realizing it.

    You may just have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not, and let him know that you expect and demand better treatment. That you expect to be loved the same way he expects to be loved by you.

    You didn't ask to FM, but you've got it anyway. FM and CFS are so much the same, but most people with FM are in more pain than those with CFS alone. I know they are both awful. I had FM many years before I developed CFS. So did my sister.

    I think if I were told that I could get a cure for one but not the other, and I had to chose which one I wanted to be cured of, it would have to be FM.

    I would chose to get rid of this terrible pain. It's worse than all the CFS symptoms put together, and they are pretty bad.

    I hope you get things worked out between the two of you. Just remember you deserve to be loved with all his heart, and don't settle for less. teach him to love you well.

    {{{{HUGS}}}}
    [This Message was Edited on 09/08/2006]
  6. kellyamos

    kellyamos New Member

    Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I have talked to him many times to see a marriage counselor but he says he knows what he needs to do to fix things, so he doesn't need anyone telling him.... But, has he changed his ways? Of course not.

    When we were dating and engaged, he was a completely different person, very loving, caring, sensitive, complementive, but it seems that right after the wedding ring was on my finger, it appears he "had me now" so he could revert to his real personality.

    We certainly come from different backgrounds. He was raised as a Mormon with five kids in his family. He did stop going to that church when he moved out at 18. I can certainly tell that his parents never showed real love, support, guidance or praise to him and his brothers and sisters. They do tell him they love him but that is about it. None of them went to college after high school of course because they were never encouraged to do anything to enhance or better their lives. Heck, his 34 year old sister just recently moved out and now is living with the other sister.

    My father is a retired minister (non-denominational) and we were raised with so much love, understanding, encouragement & support. My siblings are educated professionals with extremely successful careers.

    I really can't talk with his parents as one of you mentioned, because we have such vast differences in our beliefs as I am sure you can tell.

    I really thought my hubby was different, but to no avail. Unfortunately, he still has some of his religious beliefs locked in him whereas he is the man of the house and can do whatever and whenever he wants. He hid all this in the early part of our relationship. Pretty sad in this day and age that men can believe that.

    And to top things off, I just found out an hour ago that I am going to have a new boss when I go back to work in a couple weeks.... UUUGGGGHHHHH! My department is going through a re-org. More stress.....

    I really appreciate all of your concerns and encouragement. I guess I really need to weigh the facts to see if I can continue this way of life with him. Trust me, he is NOT going to change at his age. His beliefs are so engrained in him.

    I think I am going to just have a drink for now and try not to stress for now...... Thank you all, you are wonderful...

    Kelly



  7. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    I will keep you in my prayers. I so hope things will get better, but it doesn't sound good. My doc put me on Zoloft a few years ago because I hated my husband. It's helped me to tolerate him and his insensitivity.

    My husband leaves each morning by 6:00 and doesn't come home usually until about 7:00 p.m. He eats some dinner and then goes into his office in the basement where he stays until it's time to go to bed. He's gone all weekend until night time. (He has a full-time corporate job plus 10 rental homes that he owns and cares for). I hardly ever see the man, and, when I do, he has nothing much to say to me. He never offers to help...won't even take out the trash for me...he piles it up next to the trash can. He leaves his two daily newspapers all over the house!!!

    I used to plot and plan how to leave him. Now that I'm so ill, I figure I just need to hang in there and make the best of things.

    I have my children and my mom who are great support for me (emotionally at least). I hope you have a strong support system!

    TERRY
  8. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    My dear Kelly,
    I'm so sorry you are in the pickle you are in. It seems that you have married a child - and a child who is in denial, and cannot stand illness clese to him.

    If I might suggest, I think you both need to go to a counselor. Maybe a third person can make him understand. However, compassion comes from a certain maturity. Any married man who frequently goes out with his buddies instesd of coming home, is showing that he is not ready to be a husband and, heaven forbid, a father.

    His lack of caring for you also shows his selfishness. He should want nothing more than to make you happy, and aleviate your pain. Rheumatoid Arthritis is one of the most painful illnesses there is. Maybe he just cannot face it, and the possible consequences. He might secretly be overwhelmed. Or, he just may be a baby. Only you can tell.

    Please see some kind of counselor soon.
    Big, big, hugs,
    Terry
  9. Bren2135

    Bren2135 New Member

    .. from what you've told us, your husband has the capacity to be empathetic and understanding. Problem is, he's doing it for people other than you, the woman he promised to love, in sickness and in health!

    I'm so sorry you're being treated with such disregard. If my husband ever said something so unkind, I would be just devastated.

    Of course, I could be wrong, but it seems almost like he's TRYING to hurt you, in some way. For whatever reason, he's def-ly sending you a message, a very negative one.

    My suggestion, would be to find a counselor -- for You. Don't wait around on him to change. There's something very supportive about an objective person other than friends and family, who can help you sort through your feelings, and find solutions to what's causing the distress -- because this situation is obviously compromising your health. You gotta take care of you, girlie...

    Hugs,
    Brenda

  10. KimberlyChic

    KimberlyChic New Member

    Hi Kelly, sounds like you are going thru a lot. I also have Fms and Cfs and have gone through surgery which as we all know take forever to heal because we have a low immune system and always get an infection!! In regards to CFS/FMS alot of my friends don't even know I have it. If you look fine, people think you are a hypochondriac. I avoid visiting on bad days. Is hard to hide at work. It took husband a while to realize I was never going to get completely better. I was bedridden at one point, had a lot of bad years. But with self determination (and some drugs!) I've gotten better somewhat. Doc had said I might never walk normally again. That was 10 years ago, when I couldn't stand up for more than 2 minutes without flaking out from pain.

    Last month I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I was tired of being a doormat, and everything was always about him. I told him I had made a lawyer appointment. I told him I don't need you anymore. I am doing everything on my own anyways. He is a pilot and when he was not gone for a month at a time he was farming. He was spending all his time working and neglecting his children and me. I have been with him since I was 20. It's been 17 years.

    When it came right down to it, he didn't want a divorce and was devastated. He quits flying Oct 5th, and starts a new job 2 weeks after that in town. He has started spending more time with us. It will take awhile to build the trust back up though. A lot of broken promises.

    I finally woke up and realized there is more to life than being depressed and also ill. I also realized that a lot of the stress was from dealing with my husband. I told him I am not giving in anymore and he better start treating me better or I will find someone who will. I also got a few books on "Marriage Rescue" and husband read one. "People treat you the way you expect to be treated" is a major point. I have started to change myself by being more assertive. I have noticed people are treating me with more respect also. Especially my husband and family.

    You can leave your husband hoping for someone better, but unless you change yourself and how you expect to be treated you will find another man exactly the same. Woman are self-sacrificing. We forget about ourselves. You get to a point that you either accept your marriage as is forever or you must do something to change things.

    You sound like you are at your breaking point. Please do something to change things. You deserve to be happy. Best of luck!!

    Hope after all these years!! KimberlyChic
  11. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I've had some problems with my husband, but not like what you are going through. If he absolutely won't go to counseling with you, then go by yourself. I have gone through counseling several times in my life for various issues and it was a real lifesaver for me. Obviously, it would be better if you went as a couple, but at least if you went by yourself the therapist can give you some support and ideas for handling the problems you are facing.

    When you said that your husband goes to the bar for two hours every day, a red flag immediately went up. If he is not an alcoholic, it certainly sounds like he is well on his way to becoming one. Did he drink at all before you were married? Because he is in denial about your health problems, it sounds like he has turned to alcohol.

    What really helped my husband understand FMS and my other health problems, was going to a conference on FMS a few years ago. He still has times when he takes some steps back in his behavior, but in the long run it really helped. From what you have said, it sounds like he has really shut down and would not be open to anything that would help bring the two of you back together.

    Like you, I was also married in 1999, but wasn't diagnosed with FMS and other health problems until a year after we were married. I was having pain and other symptoms and finally could no longer ignore the pain.

    I wish I had more advice to give you, but I definitely think the counseling for you would be a good idea. But try to find a counselor who knows and understands chronic illnesses. Otherwise, you will spend some of your sessions trying to explain chronic illnesses to the counselor and how it affects your relationships.

    Good luck. Keep us posted.

    Ellen