Huge fight with Fiancee...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Liz919, Nov 10, 2006.

  1. Liz919

    Liz919 New Member

    I just got into a blow out fight with my fiancee, Brian. Brian has been smoking for most of his life...and I told him when we got together (5 years ago) that I didn't date guys who smoked. He said he'd quit and he would but everytime he quit something horrible would happen. His mom tried to commit suicide, his dad died, etc. He'd relapse and I wouldn't raise hell for awhile because things were already so bad for him. He'd smoke awhile and then quit again...then something would happen and the cycle would repeat. Well now we live together and have a toddler. He still smokes and doesn't appear to be making an effort to stop. He only smokes outside and never around the baby but he still reeks of the smoke and the baby had chronic and somtimes almost constant ear infections. Granted they are partly hereditary (my entire extended family had horrible ear infections as children and some still do as adults). So tonight he wanted me to go get him more cigarettes...and I said no. He threw a hissy fit about why I wouldn't do him this favor and I told him it was decause I refused to enable his horrible habit. Then we got into a big fight about him never trying. He'd been drinking, which I also hate when he does it because he does it alone and he gets fussy. Not mean or abusive or anything but fussy and touchy and terribly insensitive. Point is he's stormed off to bed because i'm being "mean" when I really could've brought him to his emotional knees by accusing him of causing Ari's ear infections and making her sick. I don't know what to do about him...I don't know how to make him stop when everytime I ask him to cut down at least he throws a temper tantrum and says he's trying. I know it's hard but damnit I need him to quit for real now. It's not just me anymore it effects. I need any advice you guys have. You're all much more experienced with life than I am. I hope you can help me out. Thanks a lot.
  2. jmcdelaney

    jmcdelaney New Member

    Hi Liz,

    My husband made me promise to quit smoking when he asked me to marry him. I tried, then hid it, and tried again and again. I was able to quit with both pregnancies, but started right back up again. (Not around the kids...heck, I have a 16 and 12 year old and nobody believes it, but I just told them 6 months ago and both were shocked.) I also quit somewhere in there for 5 years. I had a knock down flu with 104 fever for several days...delerious...when I woke up I figured since I hadn't smoked for a week the worst must be over and was able to quit. REALLY long story about how I started again, but I did.

    Anyway, not what you want to hear, but you can't "make" him quit or want to quit. As with any addiction you have to want to do it for yourself. It sounds really sick, but cigarettes become your best friend. They are always there for you when you need them. Yes I know how bad it is for me, and there are times when I actually want to quit and am able to cut down to a couple a day, then before I know it I am back up to a half a pack.

    I don't think you are wrong for refusing to enable him, my husband won't buy them (or tampons) for me either.

    What you need to really understand, and like I said, this is from going through it, the more you try to make him quit, the more he will want to smoke just dispite you. It's very childish, but for whatever reason, perhaps a control thing, that's the way it is. He may never quit. It is a gross, smelly and terrible habit, but you have to decide if you love him enough to accept it.

    One would think that if you loved your family enough that would be enough inspiration to quit. Unfortunately loving your family has nothing to do with it. You would think it would, but it just doesn't get you there. The fact that he won't quit does not mean he doesn't love you or the baby enough. I know there are times when I am on the deck smoking, looking in the house at my boys and husband and I kind of feel like I am dead, watching them, how they would do with out me, thinking I should really quit (really eerie). But that "would never happen to me" thing kicks in and the desire to quit takes off faster than it came.

    As for your sweet babies ear infections, (my first son had cronic ear infections...man does that suck...my second child did not) my understanding is that it is the actual smoke that can worsen the problem, the odor from him/his clothing wouldn't contribute to the infections.

    I appologize, I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear. But maybe it can help you understand where he is coming from and therefor help you stress about it less.
    We smokers can be really stupid.

    Joann
  3. monkeykat

    monkeykat Member

    Hi,
    I'm up in the middle of the night b/c I can't sleep.

    I'm sorry you are both fighting about this issue. I understand your anger and concerns.

    I am an ex-smoker and I know how addictive smoking is. They put tons of chemicals inside cigarettes which increase the addictiveness in a major way.

    Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I did in my life before I had to deal with this illness. Now coping with this illness is the hardest things I have to do.

    Anyway, Joanne is right. You cannot make him quit. Bugging him and threatening him will not work. I know that he promised you that he'd quit and he probably really wants to quit but doesn't know how.

    I believe that our addictions come out of our inner pain that we are trying to suppress with an addiction. At least that's my thought. It seems like people who quit one addiction often become addicted to something else if they quit. I have a mother-in-law who is addicted to religion. I have numerous work-a-holics in my family. Also, people with food addictions. How do you know when someone is addicted? Because there addiction comes before everyone and everything and they create imbalance and cannot be flexible or adjust to a reasonable level of that activity or stop the activity when needed. Maybe going to a group for addictive behaviors would help. I know they have AA for alcoholics. OA for overeaters. And other addiction groups. Do they have a group to stopping smoking?

    You may want to find a wise counselor to help you to know how to cope with all of this too. You don't want this issue to continue to come between you too.

    I'm just learning through having this illness that I cannot change anyone except myself. I would like to change others but I cannot control anyone's behavior except my own. Just remember that YOU can't change your fiancee. You set limits as far as what you will put up with but be realistic and don't overexaggerate. Clearly think of what you will and won't put up with. Is this issue big enough that you would end the relationship? You have to be honest about that. If he decided not to quit or just couldn't quit smoking then would you rather not have him in your life? That is what you have to know first of all. If you still want him in your life than all you can do is support his attempts to quit and set limits with where he smokes...but set limits gently and in love b/c you would want him to treat you with love and patience as well.

    Anyway, I hope you both can work through this. Addictions are horrible. Think BIG PICTURE about your relationship and realize you cannot control him.

    Keep hope alive, Monkeykat

  4. Mini4Me

    Mini4Me New Member

    So sorry you're going through this. My 27 year old daughter is going through this with her current boyfriend. He is so addicted to smoking, he has to get up several times during the night to go outside to smoke!

    My heart goes out to you. I don't think you have any effect on his quitting. He has to want to do it himself. I think he knows that you will stick with him regardless (since you have a daughter together) so there's no real great motivation for him to quit.

    Sending love and hugs and hope it all works out!
    Mini
  5. Carta

    Carta New Member

    I agree with the above messages but it's not right that he has you get his cigs. Some compromise might be whats needed. He should budget for his smokes and shop for them. Also, could he have his own area to smoke like outside or a porch.