Humor is healing Let's share some good laughs

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by nonnie1967, Jun 20, 2006.

  1. nonnie1967

    nonnie1967 New Member

    For all of you out there who are hurting and could use a good laugh - here's a joke that I hope will provide that for you:

    A man bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph. he suddenly saw flashing red lights. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90---100---then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

    Now...share YOUR best jokes! :)
  2. onlythestrong

    onlythestrong New Member

    A Blonde's Year In Review

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... "duh".... bottles won't fit in typewriter! ! !
    March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said 2-4 years!"
    April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out! ! !
    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets! ! !
    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
    July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms! ! !
    August - Got locked out of car in swamped, because top was down.
    September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is "C".....isn't it ? ? ?
    October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel...
    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! ! !
    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone! ! !
    What a year! ! !

    Ha ha made you smile,gotta love them!!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 06/20/2006]
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Wonder what a cop would say if a guy used that excuse.... LOL!

    I read a true story once where a cop was just getting off duty and bought a gallon of ice cream to take home to his family, when he got a call that he had to stay on duty.

    Stuck with the dilemna of either having the ice cream melt in his car or just tossing it in the garbage, he came up with a novel idea --

    He drove exactly 55 miles per hour down an expressway - which soon got clogged up as people were too afraid to pass him.

    Finally, one driver did, and of course he flicked his lights on and make him stop. The driver rolled his window down and was surprised to be told by the officer he had just been awarded a gallon of ice cream for having the guts to pass him...


  4. nonnie1967

    nonnie1967 New Member

    This could only happen to a man.... (This is a true story.)
    If you have children, you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father...)

    As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

    "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.

    It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

    Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,
    "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
  5. nonnie1967

    nonnie1967 New Member

    An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

    The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

    The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

    "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again," the 5-year-old said.
  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    A young couple was discussing the possibility of taking a small trip.

    He: You know, just for once, it would be nice to go without your mother.

    She: MY mother. I thought she was your mother.

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