Husband becoming abusive....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by basket21, Mar 25, 2003.

  1. basket21

    basket21 New Member

    I did everything I wanted to do before I got married, this way I would have no regrets and could devote my 100% to the marriage. Going on 20 years now his abusive nature is getting worse and intolerable. I make his lunch, dinners, paying the housecleaning people myself.etc. That's not good enough. He gets his jolly yelling at a cripple. That's me. His drinking is really bad, and I asked him if he had to choose between beer and me and he said he has no intentions of giving up drinking. He goes thru a 24 a day when it's a day off work.
    Last night did it for me. I've had enough. You never know what's going to happen with him.
    My problem is being in the condition I am in, any suggestions on how I can pack without him suspecting? I realize the oouch and large articles I bought will have to wait till the last day, but I need advice on the others.
    Any help greatly appreciated.......basket21
  2. samjenkin

    samjenkin New Member

    I think you need to be fairly careful about leaving if he is abusive. Most abusive men don't take kindly to losing the people they are abusing as they lose power. Please think carefully about how you will do it,especially in terms of money/place to stay, etc. and also if you may need legal help if he follows you or attempts to be abusive once you have left. If you have a friend who can store stuff, try taking stuff out over a few days but in truth, the sooner you can move out, the better (in case he notices stuff missing) - perhaps a friend can help you leave all at once.

    Other issues to consider are kids and pets. You don't mention whether you have either but if you do, you will need to make arrangements for them also. If you can't take pets with you immediately, some animal shelters will keep them for a few weeks whilst you find a new home. Please dont' leave animals behind if you can help it. If you are in an unsafe situation, so are they.

    Be careful also of who you tell - I had a friend who's best girlfriend told her boyfriend and her husband ended up tracking her down.

    Didn't mean this email to be all doom and gloom. I think it is great that you are taking proactive steps to get out of the situation. Although moving out will be stressful you will in all likelihood feel better for doing so. Good luck and take care.

  3. baby-bear

    baby-bear New Member

    I had my parents come down. I too was in an abusive situation where I was afraid of the physical outcome. My first husband drank and would get so biligerant I would have to leave for days to get away. If you don't have parentals then I would get an officer to be there while you load up. I too sat around thinking for years how I would pack up. I would go through the house and point at everything I was going to take...being my parents bought it anyway and it was what I had an officer to stand there while you load up the car. Also friends...big bury type men if you know of any. Hope this helps...also RUN...RUN fast..because when they get verbally abusive they also get physical sooner or later!!! That's what alcohol does...Pammy
  4. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    husband with just the clothes on my
    back. If I was facing that again I
    would find an attorney who would file
    a legal separation, that way they
    take money from his check that's paid
    to you through the court for maintenience. Then the day you are
    ready to go (before he's served) call
    the cops and have one in attendance.
    By filing you can list what is yours
    and he can't argue it. Otherwise the
    cops usually won't get involved beyond letting you take clothes and
    basic necessities. They will tell you
    to let the judge decide property. By
    then your things could be broken, sold or given away. Be sure the attorney is willing to ask that HE
    pay for all attorney and court costs.
    Good luck. And don't go where he
    will suspect you are. Put your things
    in storage if necessary..many shelters pay the freight to send you
    out of town to a shelter away from
    the abuser. Be aware that a friend or
    family who takes you in can be in danger also, so often a shelter is
    best for you and your loved ones.
    Hugs, Bambi
  5. phenom

    phenom New Member

    hi basket, sorry you are going through this. you are doing the right thing by leaving. i have an idea that may help. can u pretend that a friend needs you? say something like "jenny is going through a really tough time with work/hubby/miscarriage (something dramatic) and i'm going to stay with her for a few days"

    you could pack a bag then with no hassles. also you could pack into a plastic bag and say you are going through your old clothes and are going to donate them to the needy, and just store them in your car or something? so it wouldn't be as noticeable, and he wouldn't get upset.

    good luck with this. i really truly hope that you can get out of this situation. power to you (i'm a feminist!).

  6. teawah

    teawah New Member

    considering leaving my hb and last night I did a search engine for domestic violence shelters on yahoo. You can get lists of shelters all over the world. I am thinking about leaving the state so I checked on one. It gave the phone number and I called them and did a phone interview.

    I agree totally about the legal aspect. If you have anything invested there which after 20 odd years you are bound to, making sure you protect your assets is important. But, if you are in iminent danger then you have to decide what is most important and ack accordingly. Nobody knows how bad it is but YOU. You have to do the right thing by YOU.

    All the suggestions here have been great. When I go it will probably be out of state so I won't be tempted to come back. I can't take everything with me so I will lose most of my belongings (not my computer or music though) but none of that is worth taking the emotional batterring that he is putting me through.

    I wish you all the best and SAFE ESCAPE.

    Love teawah
  7. mojo_jm

    mojo_jm New Member

    I am not quite sure what the laws are in your area. But in my case I filed a restraining order through a lawyer and had my ex removed from my home. You may want to seek legal advice on this and see just what could be done about putting him out instead of you.I mean after all why should you be the one who is inconvienenced he is the abbuser!
  8. Hidn

    Hidn New Member

    Basket, I have not written anything here in a long time, things have been very hard for me this last few months. But when I saw your post it reminded me of my leaving my abusive ex.
    Does yours work in the day time?
    I will tell you what I did. I took mine to work, took the van to a u-haul place and got a small trailer. Went home called a friend (she knew this was coming) and we loaded everything balonging to the kids I could, went to the schools and picked them up, (they knew about all this too) collected their records (they were waiting for us) I already had their medical records, and we left Fla. I called my ex for New orleans, I told him I took the car and the kids. He asked how he was to get home from work? I said walk.
    I had 500.00 in my pocket, 2 kids and myself , we drove to Ca, I finally got a job... and after 2 years I was not afraid to come home, the "black cloud of fear" was gone.
    All this took some p-lanning. If you have kids it is toughr, I wont say it has been easy. But the best thing you can do IS GO.
    As far away as possibly, somewhere he will never think of you going to.
    I wish you great luck, and remember out of everything hard we go thru, there are great rewards.
    I hope you can understand all this, I have gone over it to correct as many mistakes I could, sorry to be so long winded too.
    Please remember you are not alone
    Hugs to you
  9. Achy-shaky

    Achy-shaky New Member

    Only those who have been thru serious abuse can understand what you are going through and I have been there and agree with all the posts who say you MUST leave and seek shelter somewhere he can not find you. Do not assume he will not try to hurt you if you have him removed from the house...all the restraining orders in the world will not save your life if he goes into a rage like so many alcoholics can do. It took me 9 years to leave my ex because I was in denial thinking I could change him but what was happening is he was changing me by brainwashing me into submission and a pathological was horrible. I attempted to leave him several times that failed because he would somehow track me down and convince me to come back - I turned into the biggest codependant and my self esteem was in the toilet...he actually had me believing I deserved his punishment. I finally had some sort of nervous breakdown and literally walked out with the cloths on my back. I found out years later that he was dx as a sociopath/paranoid schizophernic and I thanked God I escaped when I did.

    That was 28 years ago and there was no one I could turn to like there is today so please don't waste time - get the legal help set up and a shelter to go to, leave when he is at work and set yourself free from the jail you've been in for so many are worth much better treatment. Also get help from Alnon and join a codependancy support group - they will help you tremendously.

    My thoughts and blessings are with you.
    Warmest hugs,
  10. basket21

    basket21 New Member

    lifedancer for checking up on me.

    All your advice is greatly appreciated. You make good sense.
    Some items I never would have thought of.

    No kids. We married later in life.

    I am packing boxes in the open. When questioned, I said I was spring cleaning getting items ready to go to Amity.

    One of your messages gave me the idea. Amity supposedly came while he was at work, but actually went into a rental storage.

    All you have given me a calm that says I can get through this.

    I am grateful to you all. This calm is lessening my pain as well.

    Love, basket21
  11. WorldFalls

    WorldFalls New Member

    Hello there,

    It looks as though the kind people of this board are giving a lot of great advice. The best of luck to any of you going though this...I know how hard it is as I've been there myself. I've been away from my abusive ex for more than three years. I'm now with somebody who loves me, understands my illness, and makes me feel more whole and loved than ever before in my life. The same will happen for you. There's a good person waiting to love you, one who will never hurt you.

    I'd like to add one thing to those of you considering leaving your abusive partners...please be aware that he or she CAN (if computer literate) track your internet activity. There are some ways that you can prevent him or her from discovering where you have been. I'll give you a few simple steps...

    1) Hit the Start button
    2) Go to Control Panel
    3) Go to Internet Options
    4) Delete Cookies
    5) Delete Tempary Internet Files
    6) Delete History

    Deleting those three things each time you go on the computer will make it very hard for him to discover your internet activities and potential ruin a safety or escape plan.

    The very best of luck to those of you in this situation. Be strong and always know that you deserve better than what you are living with. It's a hard time, and leaving is hard...I know, but after you are gone, your life will improve by leaps and bounds. Three years from now, you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come!!!

    Be safe.

  12. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    Just wanted to write and say how much I admire you and the other brave ladies who have gotten out. I was actually in a slightly similar situation, no physical abuse, but big-time verbal abuse, to the point where I was terrified whenever he was home. I am sorry to say that I was paralyzed with fright and could not leave, afraid because I am so sick and moving is so difficult, also afraid because I cannot work, also afraid because my children would not understand and would blame me. He is not alcoholic or schizophrenic, but has Narcissistic Personality Disorder with sociopathic tendencies and sadistic tendencies. He actually left on his own last year. My health has gotten even worse due to strain of divorce and moving, but hoping that when the dust settles I will get a little stronger. Prayers and blessings to all of you.

  13. jstbrznby

    jstbrznby New Member

    Hi Basket, WOW, what great help everyone has been. I wish I would have had this kind of info when I bolted from what sounds like coulc have been your husbands brother! LOL Everyones situation is so unique, I left while my DH was at work knowing it would be ugly. But I had a 2 yr old son and no idea what really to do. I have always regretted being the one who left as why should I have been the one to loose the house, find a job, and keep my baby safe all at the same time. Bottom line, to this day I really think he would have done serious physical harm and with a baby I just couldn't take that chance. So, as everyone says, weigh your options, is the house yours, do you have kids or pets, and BAMBI had some great ideas that might help you cover your self as well. Anyway I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru this it is hard no matter what and when you have been together for such a length of time it is emotionally draining as well. Please be careful and don't hesitate in looking out for your safety, I felt so badly about things that it gave him a window to rake me over the coals, I never should given him that opprtunity. That is the one thing I for sure would do different, Put yourself 1st! I just thought that felt so cold blooded but I was young and dumb, I think we are well past that stage, aren't we? Anyway, take care of yourself, HUGS,,,, Pam