Husband Doesn't Understand

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by devans, Jan 3, 2006.

  1. devans

    devans New Member

    I need some advice on how to make my husband understand what I go through each and every day with fibromyalgia. His attitude is "yeah, you're in pain. You're in pain every day and have been for years. I know, it's my fault. You're blowing this out of proportion." And, whatever else is the statement of the moment. He doesn't understand, won't listen, and thinks I'm making this up. I've given him magazine articles to read, try explaining it to him.....but he wont' listen.

    We have been separated for a few years, but I see him all the time. We've tried to work things out, but we're not doing so good. It hurts so much when the person you love says terrible things like this.

    I know others have gone through this. How can I make him understand me and my daily hell? I know it sounds like I should just shove him out of my life, but we're due to be new grandparents in 2 months and we've been together for 25 years. I can't just ignore him.


    THANKS EVERYBODY WHO ANSWERED ME. You know there are others out there like you, but you always feel "you're alone". You all helped me to feel a little better today.
    Debbie
    [This Message was Edited on 01/05/2006]

    I feel so much better knowing there are people out there to talk to. I moved in with my son and daughter-in-law last Saturday and I feel so much relief knowing they are here for me. My husband has been a little more caring the last few days (although I don't know why). I guess I either have to take him as he is or dump his ass in the river! For now, I'll take him as he is. I still love him even though he's an idiot when it comes to my pain. He's starting to feel arthritis pain and now it's all he talks about! Tells me that I don't know what he's going through?? I almost threw a book at him that day. But, I guess the dirty look I gave him made him shut his mouth in mid-sentence. He's never done that before. Maybe now is a good time to start talking about the fibro again. He just might listen.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/20/2006]
  2. blkkat

    blkkat New Member

    i'm sorry your going through this on top of all your pain i cant and wont even try and tell you what to do but hon should'nt you deserve better, someone who believes and cares for you? GOD BLESS ! HUGS BLKKAT
  3. roseylisa

    roseylisa New Member

    Your husband sounds excatly like mine! Mine says mind over matter Etc. if I would just quit thinkning about it or talking about it! I wish we could do that we would all be cured! I think one of the gals that responded to my thing about hubby was right If they can't fix it they don't want to hear it! Macho thinking probably the way they were raised! Hang in their were in this boat together!
  4. angeljoe

    angeljoe New Member

    My husband is the exact same way Devans. He rolls his eyes if I even mention pain or being tired. He has some of the same smart remarks I hear daily. He'll also say I know your in pain, but could you go to the bank, the store and rent some DVDs for the weekend. I'm thinking if you know I'm in pain go do it yourself. Ha Ha.. never does it work that way.

    I do daily chores every single day at home. Including picking up after hubby and both children. Laundry is an ever day thing. So is sweeping and mopping. I do this all in pain so he don't make a sound about it.

    I would copy and print the letter to normals on this board and let him take a look at that. My husband still don't understand and never will. Best of luck to you helping him to understand.
    Angela
  5. AkaPosh

    AkaPosh New Member

    There has to be some good ones left, right? I too understand how you feel. There is not much else you can do if He will not listen. I tried letting all the chores go. My Husband had a week off and told me he could do better and handel the kids (3) to and from school plus...Well, let me tell you he failed the Test...Oh the best part was if he could do it all and better I could not complain anymore....lol...
  6. lolee

    lolee New Member

    you can't live with em' and you just can't shoot 'em. men.

    I SO totally hear where you are coming from. And I don't mean to sound harsh, honestly, I love everyone here. But . . . . that doesn't sound like love to me. And that is speaking from experience. Love isn't like that. Love is understanding, not perect always of course. Spouses, boyfriends, significant others can, do and will feel at times frustration. But to not believe some one you "love" is a matter of trust. And love trusts.

    I don't mean to be hurtful in any way shape or form, and I am certainly NOT saying "dump him, he don't love you". I'm trying to say that HE and you need to really understand what love is. Define it, assess it. See where it fits in. I think one of phrases men hate THE most is " If you loved me, you would _________"

    But I truly believe that those of us who are going through this with our "loved ones" need to define this first for ourselves and then sit down and ask for the guys to do the same. If the definitions of love match up, or are at least something you can live with, on a few points, then great. If not, it is time to reassess the reletionship.

    I am so sorry and sad for you. This DD sucks, and not having suppport blows. But the stress of what is going on makes it worse. We are strong people. We have had to be. But we cannot waste time "wishing and hoping they will change". We only have control over ourselves. Action not reaction.

    Mantra for day "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

    My prayers are for you today.

    Lolee
  7. unbalanced

    unbalanced New Member

    are our biggest fans & probably the only people who can bring us to our knees in tears. Try not to concentrate & focus so much on getting your husband to understand what you live with. Instead concentrate on getting yourself to understand what you live with. The more you know about yourself the better you will feel emotionally. I realize it is difficult to have that one person who is supposed to stand beside you through everything be mean. Don't take it personally, he might not be able to cope with the fact that you are unable to do the things you once could, he may feel so badly for you that it comes out through anger, he may be so angry about your suffering that he takes it out on you because he has no other way of coping. There are so many reasons why your husband is behaving the way he is. Try to give him some understanding about how this has affected his life! Talk to him, open up, have a good cry, there is a way to make it all work out, & if you BOTH have an understanding of each other & your love for one another is strong then this shall pass. Communication is your key. No accusations, no blaming, just understanding & respect for each other. Find a common ground, do things together that you can do & he enjoys as well, maybe playing cards a board game, & while your enjoying each others company talk about how both of your lives have changed because of this DD. I have been very, very blessed & lucky to have my husband. He has held my hand through it all!! All the visits to the ER, Drs. testing. PT, therapy, etc. etc. He not once has said a word about any of it. He supports me 300%. Things aren't always wonderful & when I see in his eyes the frustration, exhaustion, & anger, we talk, talk, talk. I'll ask him how he's doing, I'll rub his shoulders, I'll tell him to go lay down & rest, even if I feel like total sh..! He is my strength, my pillar of hope, & he needs to be taken care of as well as I do, we must give to the people we love what we would like for them to give us!! I hope you can work things out & I wish you the best of luck finding your happiness in your husband.
  8. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    God, you are me and I can't tell you how familiar your story sounds. it sounds like you are older than me but age makes no difference where pain is concerned (I'm 35). Pain does not discriminate. I developed FMS at 32 but my symptoms and problems started at 31.

    At the time I had been married for 5 years and together with my husband for 7 years. I of course never in the world thought what happened would happen. At the time I was in a horribly abusive work enviroment. My boss at the time would scream and hollar at me and my job was extremely stressful. Not to mention overloading. I had no support from my spouse in regards to quitting. Financially we could not afford for me to quit as I made alot of money working there as a bookkeeper. My exhusband has and always will be into lots of "toys" (i.e. motorcycles, boats, nice cars etc). he was unwilling to sell anything in order for me to find a better, lesser paying job at the time.

    After a year and a few months I managed to mortgage our house to the max and get myself out of there but I also could not even walk across a room by then. I took 4 months off work. When I returned to work I had to work part-time to start then eventually had two PT jobs to make a full week.

    My ex was always gone, doing whatever, leaving me w/our son. If not for my mom I don't know how I would have made it. I spent many nights, silently crying. Many mornings, early in the garage, praying and sobbing. I was priority number 10 or 20 on his list (so was our child) and he just carried on like nothing changed. He too was completely uninterested in learning. When I asked him he said "I don't read" Swear to god!

    After about 6 months I finally addressed him because he was not catching a clue. I told him I felt like i wasn't a priority etc. That I was unhappy etc. He did not understand the pain. Thought I should go exercise or find a hobby because that is what makes him feel better.

    Eventually I started medicating myself w/my pain meds to deal w/being at home. Abusing them actually to numb myself to deal w/being around him. Yes this was bad. I moved into the guest bedroom because the thought of him touching me made me sick. I wanted a divorce but struggled because of my son.

    My ex had seizures and I never even swayed a second in learning all I could and adjusting our lives around them. How on earth could he be acting like this about my illness? I was hurt, appalled, devistated.

    After a few months of living like this we finally divorced. We never councilled which was a mistake. Now we actually have toyed w/trying to reconcile. He hasn't changed much though. We have never stopped loving eachother.

    We have remained the best of friends this last year after the divorce. Our son has done wonderfully. At Xmas I stayed w/him at his house and we were together as a family. He has become the best, most involved father I've ever seen. Something good has actually come out of this.

    If we will ever be together? That is up to God. I don't worry about it because I'd drive myself crazy.

    My advice to you is not to try and force your husband to learn but to not lower your integrity. If he chooses not to support you let him know the consequences. Til death do you part, in sickness and health remind him. Doug did not remember saying that. Or at least it didn't matter to him.

    It did to me and to this day I cry over it. I never thought I would end up divorced and alone. I married him thinking I would be old and grey w/him. Especially once we had our child. He to this day takes no blame in our divorce, says it's my fault. Goes to show you!

    I wish you well but you are not imagining anything and he needs to realize that if he loves you then it is an unconditional love. That is what love is, kind, generous, unconditional.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you
    All of my love goes to you,
    Shawn Force
  9. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    just a little more divorce but still seeing each other. he has spent holidays w/me and blames himself for our divorce...

    neither one of us tried to contact the other i think for the rejection factor...lolong story goes behind all this.

    i have been with him since 1983 now..a couple of separatons...

    he had tried to use my illiness as an excuse for an affair but that really isn'[t the reason...he is bipolar...

    what i am saying is counseling for you both...and if he will not go, go yourself...it took us to go through a divorce...for him to wake up and realize what the heck is going on...plus he had a neighbor over hear a phone converstion about my fibro and such...she explained what she had gone through and the pain...then he saw a tv show about ibro...

    idon't know if we will ever get togehter again...but he has some health issues now he will be 40 this summer and he has bursitis inhis elbows so he is feeling the pain...that is just a little of what i go through daily....

    men don't like to have a problem they can not fix with you...they like to typically fix your problem but in our case they can not...so i think they run away from a failure to fix it...

    maybe you could tell him you do not want him to fix your problem just to accept that you have your good days and bad days....i wished i could give you my email but it is unauthorized in the board and i rarely ever go the the chat room where it is ok...maybe sometime we could hook up in there and talk...i have a hard time following cause it goes a little fast at times...and i have many of nights no sleep...

    counseling could help....maybe he could get an understanding of what is going on with you. take him to the doctors w/you that may help...


    sorry for your stress

    jodie
  10. devans

    devans New Member

    Your situation sounds just like mine. We've been together since 1982 and separated 3 times (all in the last 5 years). I sort of agree with you about the fixing part. He's a perfectionist and he's not comfortable with things that don't go his way or he cannot control. My pain is just that. He has "cluster headaches" which are 1000 times worse than migraines. I cannot help him when these hit and they hit hard!

    I'm moving to live with my son and daughter-in-law. They are expecting my first grandchild in March. I'm going to be the baby sitter. SO, really, what else do I need right now to cheer me up. I want so much to work with my husband, but I don't think it's in the cards to happen. I think part of my problem is that I don't have anybody to talk to when I hurt.

    Maybe somehow, we can hook up and "talk".

    Thanks for your comments,
    Debbie
  11. devans

    devans New Member

    Thanks for the letters. I am going to print them and give it a try. Maybe for once, he'll read something "I" give him.

    Deb
  12. Pinkgirl

    Pinkgirl New Member

    That is one thing I love about coming here, not only do people listen to your story, but they usually can relate! I'm glad you're feeling better about it.

    I've had this DD for 4 years now, been married 6 1/2. My husband flip-flops between being understanding, letting me sleep, doing housework, etc, to just being mean about it, "is there any day you actually feel good?" "can you go a day without whining about pain?!" (No there isn't, I haven't had a symptom free day in almost 2 years!!! ANYWAY, LOL)

    I don't have a reason for the way they act, you never can tell when it comes to most men's reactions to sickness... All I do know is that most of us deal with one or more relatives/friends that just don't seem to get it.

    Hugs!