husband informed our kids he is leaving us

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ilovepink4, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    my 11 yr old son ran outside and was on his hands and knees sobbing....and my 14 yr old got on his bikd and rode into the woods to their spot.....my 24 yr old was sobbing in her hospital bed and our 21 yr old threw up while he talked to her over skype.....

    i hope he is happy....this is what he wants....he says he has never loved me....never been happy....we had 2 girls 3 yrs apart and then 7 yrs later, we adopted ....why would he keep building our family if he was so miserable? spending those first few days with our adopted babies were some of the best days of my life....it was just the three of us and we had such a nice time, shopping for baby stuff and loving our baby and cuddling up in the hotel, watching movies while we played with the baby.....you can't leave the state with the baby until paperwork is done....so it is like a vacation, enjoying your new baby....

    how can he tell me he was unhappy then???? but, four years later, i got sick and then he was crabby and suspicious that i was faking it....he even accused me of that today!!!! yes, 6 years of faking this and laying in bed....nice...

    when will my life get better??? will i be alone for the rest of my life? have any of you found love after being sick......i was looking forward to the next stage of our lives....kids grown and hubby's retirement....he is 12 yrs old than me....he shocked me when he said he didnt' love me.....he didn't act like he didnt love me except when he was drinking and was nasty to everyone....

    i am sorry for venting....i have no one to talk to tonight....got my youngest to bed finally....they are having trouble sleeping...
  2. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Hi again Pink!
    Have you recieved my last couple of posts? I was hoping we could talk some tonite. I read this post and think you need to vent, well so do I!

    Hugs, Earthdog
  3. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for you and your kids that you're going through this. I can tell how hurt and bewildered you and the children are by what he is doing.

    I wish I had advice for you and your family, but as it is all I can do is tell you that we on the board here are thinking of you at this difficult time.

    Best wishes,
    Janelle
  4. flannery

    flannery New Member

    This is heartbreaking...I am praying for you and your children.
  5. quanked

    quanked Member

    You and your children sound devasted. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do for others at times like these to make the pain go away. Breaking up a family is earth shaking while it is happening no matter how functional or dysfunctional a family might be.

    I know how hard change is. But your life will get better once you get past your shock and are able to pull yourself together as much as a you can being sick. ASK FOR HELP--from everyone. Both you and your children need all the support you can get. Put one foot in front of the
    other--just keep moving. As someone above said no matter what the outcome with your husband I hope you and your children get what you need.

    My granddaughter's best friend just said good by to her father a week or so ago when he left her mother. She is in such pain--probably much like the pain your children are in.

    As in all crisis things will find a way to stablize in time. At times like these I tell myself that nothing lasts forever--not the good times and thankfully not the bad--I say it over and over and over.
  6. shaz73

    shaz73 New Member

    to hear that you and your kids are having to go through this very distressing situation. Like other posters have said, I don't really know what to say to help you, except that am thinking of you and praying that things will eventually improve.

    Take real good care of yourself now. This kind of stress just isnt good for anyone, particularly if you are unwell.

    Shaz
  7. tamsyn

    tamsyn Member

    Dear Pink, this is a miserable heart-wrenching time for you. I posted yesterday on your previous thread to urge you to decide what YOU need to have a beettr life, and then to pursue that with real focus. Visualize your best life, believe you can attain it step by step. You asked whether anyone had found love after illness and if you'd always be alone now. My partner of 9 years left me because he couldn't handle the restrictions of my CFS; he thought I was just beng deliberately difficult!! I was devestated. I was left with no job, big debts, a son going into Bipolar crisis... I was having panic attacks, and I had to sell our home, find somewhere else to live, arrange financing, find a job, and somehow get as well as I could. But...I met a wonderful, caring man who fully accepted my illness. So on top of everything else, I had a wedding to plan! We sold off stuff, and bought our dream home in the country. With a simlpe, quiet life and less emotional turmoil, I have got so much stronger. I am finally living the life I need. So yes, there is love after CFS and no, you needn't be alone. BUT first, you have to figure out what you need, and be strong enough in yourself to go for it. You can do it! The only one who can rescue you is YOU!! With, of course, some good professional help from lawyers, therapists etc. Pink, we are all thinking about you. Hang in there for better days! tamsyn
  8. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I'm so sorry!

    I don't know what to say really either except that as your kids get older, they will realize that having their parents (their MOM) happy is more important than having their parents being together and unhappy.

    You are going to have so many questions racing through your mind, so many "but why then..." - I think that is so totally normal. Unfortunately I'm not even sure your husband can answer. He sounds like he's almost protecting himself by bulldozing his way through this so he doesn't feel.

    What is very important is that you do NOT tie your self-worth to him. Of course, you shouldn't - look what's happening, he doesn't seem too 'worthy' right now. Try to remember that. I remember my Mom struggling for years - BUT her life turned around and she was finally HAPPY!!

    As a child, I can tell you that it was critical that my Mom (or Dad) didn't say anything bad about the other parent. I was confused as it was and wanted to be loved by both - so hearing anything that could remotedly be tied to me would have been devastating.
    That part may be hard because you're so hurt and heartbroken. You want to hurt your husband, but you really don't want to hurt your kids. They will remember that and respect you for how you handled things when they look back on this difficult time.

    One step, one minute, one hour, one day at a time....you WILL get through this. You got some good practical advice on the other board (depression? can't remember) Read through that again when you can!

    Allow yourself to go through all of the stages you're going to go through - sadness, anger, grief, loss, even pity, (but don't sit there)

    Take care of your heart today and your kids' - maybe don't do too much thinking today. How about a day off? Order in some pizza and watch a movie tonight.

    Thinking of you...
    Janalynn

  9. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    I don't have much time right now, but I have been following and saw your post title and had to post a quick note. I've been close to where you are now. I know it hurts. The best thing not to do is to focus on the past or the why.

    (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))



    Kat
  10. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I had to laugh when i read your suggestion to get the book you suggested! I read that you recommended it on another post and ordered it and came back and read it here, too!! so check, got the book on its way....free, too! I am a member of paperbackswap.com it is a book , cd, dvd swapping site ....the books don't have to be paperback ..it is a deceiving name....it is a cheap way to get books...you pay the postage to send out your books to other ppl....and get a point for each book...and then you spend your points on other books the you want....

    so thank you for suggestion it...
  11. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i could print out your message and tape it up on the wall. i hope that we have some peacewhen this is over. Right now, my son is so very angry. I have a feeling I will get the fall out from him. he has turned into an ogre since his dad walked through the door tonight. Hewas clinging to me earlier, hubby gets home, and son turns angry but is taking it out on me cuz i won't scream at him or grab at him....

    we have a long road ahead of us....but i think having no more unpredictable evenings will help....you never know what you will get when dad gets home....drunk or not....and it is next to impossible to keep two boys from fighting or making a mess or making too much noise and then dad yells....and yells...and somehow it is always my fault....

    i hope that a happy, peaceful home will be the payoff for the sadness we are feeling. It is like a death.....the man we used to know died ....

    so thanks BDTMU516
  12. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i really appreciate every single word, each of you has written to me.....i can't imagine being well enough to be able to get a job.....i am so unpredictable with my fibro....and myofacial pain...i have to rest a few days before and a few days after an outing...and those outings can only last up to 2 hours....so i need to find at home work...i am a pca for my daughter and get paid a few hours a day, while she is resting and watching TV....i take the easy shifts....but i am her only person all night long....no pay for nights....

    i want to write a book but can't settle on what to write....everyone says they want to write a book...i feel silly saying it....but, i have been thinking of it for years....started it once but it sounded too trite...i needed a betterstory...fiction is almost impossible to get published anyways....non fiction is the way to go....i should write about all the rotten things that have happened in my life that lead me to this illness.....and then, hopefully by then, i will have a silver lining in my cloud and it will have a happy ending....

    i just wanted everyone to know that it means so much to me to be able to come here and have so many messages....it gives me hope that if you can go on, i can go on too....

    thank you for reading my troubles... Pink
  13. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    Pink, my son is a bit younger than yours, but the hot burning anger he initially felt and continues to feel at his father, gets directed at me.

    Here's what works for us. First, I must remember that he is not angry at me and that this is about him. I allow him to get over the rage and burn off the worst of it if he is not putting himself or anyone else in danger. Then he usually cries and I hold him while he gets it out. I then give him healthy options to get his anger out - writing, art, talking it out, some sort of physical activity, etc. After he has calmed down and wants to talk about it I give him the opportunity to either speak to his father or I will speak to his father for him, or we can keep it between us, depending on what it is.

    We are also searching for a 'feelings doctor' that he is comfortable with. My son and I have a very close, open and honest relationship. He knows that I am there for him no matter what. Period.

    The anger your sons are taking out on you is their way of testing you to make sure you are there for them no matter what. It is natural. It is normal. If they were not doing it then you should be worried.

    Let them know you hurt too. Let them know you are there for them. You always will be. Let them know they are in a safe environment. That anger is a natural and normal emotion to feel, but that it has limits.

    You will all come though this together. maybe some scrapes and bumps, but stronger and together on the other side.