Husband let me now where do I go?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Jun 2, 2003.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Last saturday my husband of 22 years packed up most of his stuff and moved out could not have come at a better time one day after I lost another job . so not not only do I not have a job I am losing a husband . He will keep paying the house payment until he files for divorce and then may be for a few months but I don't have any money to pay this house payment or rent infact he is being so nice as to give me grocery money each friday. I have two of my three daughters living with me and they are 21 and18 . So there will be no child support . Just alimony . Husband does not believe in fibro and the other chronci pain disorders that I have so what do I do? I can't find a job that I can work at in retail I can't lift and can't move fast enough and in the outbound sales I could not memorize the 51 phrases and and 30 hot keys that bring up the phrase's and I had to learn ten key and then I had to add two more screens and get all the responses in the right places and I had two days to learn all this, between the fibrofog and meds I can't memorize worth sh%$ So I get called into the managers office who tells me that he has good news and bad news the good news is that I am picking up all the things I need to learn the bad is that is I am not learning it fast enough and putting to use so see ya bye thanks don't take it personally it does not mean that your a bad person. Of course I am not a bad person I can't learn what they want me to know and understand so quickly and my brain is not able to do it. so now I have to find a job to pay for the lawyer for the divorce that I really don't want and pay rent buy food ect ant to mention doctors bills and of course my meds that cost witha script car a round $ 120.00 per month and much more with out the script card and if I find a job they are not going to give me insurance becasue of all the preexisting condititons. so I don't know what to do except fell lost and alone and hate this etra pain and heartbreak I can't cope with this right now Rosemarie
  2. Dara

    Dara New Member

    looked up some of the past postings you've sent in. It sounds to me like maybe your husband did the best thing for you. You will probably start feeling better physically and emotionally now that you don't have to put up with him. You had mentioned that you had to be careful of what you posted on here because he checks to see what you've written., Can you just change your password so that he can't get into it? Sounds to me like he's somewhat of a control freak. Now, have you filed for SSD yet? I don't know what State you live in but I know there are some states who would definitely frown on a husband abandoning a spouse of twenty plus years with a disability. Also, if there is a divorce, and he has any retirement benefits I'm sure you will be entitled to at least half of them. Another thing, and please don't take this wrong, but girls who are 18 and 21 really have no right whatsoever to expect you, healthy or not, to get up and clean house, cook, etc., if they are living with you they should be helping you with household chores, if they are working there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to help you out financially either. There are programs out there for displaced homemakers, vocational rehabilitation, rental assistance, etc. You said you had a good lawyer, I would ask her about how your disability can work for you, not against you. Some people might think this is too harsh on him, but just think about what he has put you through, so go for it, that's my idea. Hope I'm not coming across too strong. I hope you will start to feel better by getting rid of the added stress he gave you.

    Dara
    [This Message was Edited on 06/02/2003]
  3. PatPalmer

    PatPalmer New Member

    It`s hell right now but the best thing for you my love.

    I agree too with everything said above by Dara and Lifedancer.

    I divorced my ex 7 yrs ago after 12 yrs of mental cruelty, - should have done it much earlier. It`s taken years to feel like a worthwhile human being again.

    There is a better life just waiting to happen for you, believe me.

    Wishing you all the luck in getting through this, I hope your daughters are supportive in every way.

    Love Pat.
  4. JQP

    JQP New Member

    Dear Rosemarie

    As hard as it currently is for you, you WILL find that your life will improve rapidly and you will look back on it all and wonder how you managed to cope for so long with someone who you thought cared about you.

    My ex hated illness, and I spent years pretending to me and the world how well I was. The result is me now. How I wish I could turn the clock back and deal with him at a much earlier stage (like not marrying him!).

    Spend time looking after you. YOur girls are old enough to help you physically and financially. If not, then a hard choice has to be made...but that is for the future.

    My psychologist years ago told me that "You are ill, treat yourself as being ill, just the same as you would care for your friends when they are ill". This amazing piece of advice gave me permission, and staggeringly all became easier to deal with because it was the truth, and not a lie.

    Much love and hugs
    JQP
  5. kredca4

    kredca4 New Member

    I know what Hell it can be when the other Person dosen't Understand, and then Bails on you.

    I left mine 7 years ago, but we worked through thing's, lived in different States, till he finally figured out I wasn't seeking attention or trying to Control him.

    He moved to my State for me after 7 years, and he's a changed man, for most of the time. Trouble is he's a man, and they think different from us. They like to Fix things and when they can't they either, put it away and forget about it, or just Toss the whole thing out.

    Mine did the putting away thing, he start's projects, dosen't finish them, and then keeps them around till he either figures out the problem, or leaves it in the shed.

    If the Hubby is causing you extra Stress, probably is, then you might get better later on as the Dust settles, you will find it very Freeing, in some way's.

    I hope that your Daughter's are able to work and help out, at that age, they wouldn't get childsupport. Please do File right away for Disability.

    Call you local office and they will send you Paper's to fill out at home, then they will get your Doctors Record's, I was even given a Lawyer by them, and I got it the first time out, in 11 month's. So don't wait on that, plus they can help you to find other Programs to help you out.
    Food Stamps are a deal in your case, so you don't have tospend the Alimony on food, but for other thing's like Bill's.
    You can also get reduced rates with the Gas Co. and Electric Co., your Doctor just needs to say that in his Opinion your disabled, waiting for Final Approval, this will be a Big help.

    Gosh I feel so sad for you, 22 year's is a long time.
    We've been togeather for 24 and will be married for 24 in Sept. You Never know what will happen, it's way to soon to call anything a Final chapter.

    Being on His own may not be what he think's it's going to be, and you do have your Daughter's for Company.

    Keep us posted and Vent when you need to, that's what we are here for, to help each other through the ROugh times,

    Sincerely
    sharon
  6. tulip922s

    tulip922s New Member

    Rosemarie to hear so much is going wrong. I have responded to your posts before and believe it or not, your husband leaving you may just be the best thing that ever happened to you. I have also read the responses to this post and they contain great information. Seek help,,,,there are many things you can do.

    I was in the same boat a year and half ago,,,,I can now say EXHUSBAND, couldn't stand illness and living with an
    "invalid" when I was struck sick. I had to leave my home and lost my job due to illness,,,,it was a horrible time, but, now my life is soooooooo much better. It didn't seem like it at the time.

    Are your girls working? Can they contribute to the household expenses? Whatever it takes to hold your life together,,,,get help,,,apply for SSD, food stamps, relief from gas and electric bills, etc. etc.,,,,so much to do. Best of luck to you and keep us posted. There are alot of wonderful people here with great advice. Tulip
  7. Mumu

    Mumu New Member

    I agree with the others. This is probably the answer to your prayers. Your life up to now is what made you ill. God can't build you a wonderful new life until he tears down the old and gets it out of the way. I read that when Thomas Edison's business burned to the ground, he said, "Thank goodnes all our mistakes are wiped out and we can start fresh." Pray for guidance each day in creating the life you really want. Good luck to you!
  8. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I am so terribly sorry to hear all you are being put through. I guess I agree with the others, but do not let any time pass before you start for your SSD, and any other help that is available for you.

    If your daughters are still in school, some states require that they still be supported by their Father, look into that too.
    If not in school, then they should help with the finances, two salaries, plus your husbands support should make life a lot easier for all three of you.

    If the house is way above your income, then sell it and the monies that you get from your share, put on a home you can afford without a problem.

    I am so sorry that he has picked such a bad time to make his decision. But sometimes bad things happen for a good we can't see at the time they are happening. I hope this is the case for you.

    It happened to me a longtime ago, I was left with two small children, no income to talk about, and he left the country(no support at all from him)!

    I was sick, but young and I opened a ChildCare Center to support us, started with boarding two children, and it grew too where I needed to hire help!
    I was living in an enourmous house, on an acre of land fenced, so had room to spare for everything the kids needed.

    I was making more money than you could imagine. But it was demanding, and hardwork. I did this for ten years.

    Then I met a great guy that I have been married to now for 30 years, gave up the Childcare and he has supported me ever since.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel, believe me, I have been there!

    Take care, and start looking into whatever is available for you, and talk to your girls about helping right away.......


    Shalom, Shirl





  9. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    Timing is never right when it comes to a split. You probably will find a silver lining, just not right now. It is funny how the mind will remember all the good times and forget all the lousy times.

    I agree with most here. But, 1st call disabilty, I know it is hard to think of now. You will get back pay you may need down the pike. Just 1 phone call.

    See if you can work most of it out without an attorney 1st, remember the only one who usually makes out in divorce.

    Start protecting your assets, immediately,even though you do not feel like it now. You are ill & will need all the help you can get. Divorce takes alot from a healthy person.

    Sit down with your kids, delegate,delegate,they are old enough, it will keep their minds busy and feel more useful.

    Our blessings and Hugggsss are with you.
  10. overwhelmed2

    overwhelmed2 New Member

    Hello Rosemarie, I don't write much but I had to when I read your message.My husand left me shortly after I had a double mastectomy (he couldn't stand to touch me) it was around Christmas and he took my 2 kids for a "visit" to see family up north, registered them in school there makig it their legal residence and didn't even say bye. That was 20 some years ago but God has a way of working things out. Anyway I DID have to get my act together, eventually met a wonderful man and the ex is now a lonely old man. Take all the advice you've been getting here.(write it down and get organized) and just do what you need to do for you, be good to yourself,don't even waste time asking why me...I'm sure with all the sage advice, prayers I'm adding to all the others, and all the help that's available out there you will do better than your wildest dreams. I wish you strength and all the things you truly deserve. God Bless
  11. tansy

    tansy New Member

    So sorry you are going throught all this now. I have to agree with the other posts because like them I went through my marriage breaking down through this DD. The moment my ex and I seperated my life changed for the better.

    You need to get the finances sorted and your daughtersare quite capable of looking after themselves, they need to learn to anyway otherwise how I they going to cope when they leave home.

    Take care of your needs now and remember that there is life after divorce, in fact it is almost always a better one.

    Thinking of you

    Tansy
  12. dan0248

    dan0248 New Member

    I haven't taken the time to read all of the other post, I know that to attack anyone person on this board is taking on all of us it seems. As a male and as someone who has gone through a divorce, I can tell you right now unless he gets a really and I mean a really good Attorney his a double ss is going to fried
    He could damn well have to pay alimony and medical care until the end of time or the death of one of you or the other. BUT if his estate is big enough it could be ordered by the state to continue on from there. There is a world of advice here and get a good attorney that knows about these diseases. I was divorced two times and each time it was pure hell, but I got remarried about 9 years a go and we get along great, there are rough times but that’s life. I would take the chance and share more advice here but as one of the other members has pointed out he might be able to get on and try to block you from there. My best to you and your family.
  13. tulip922s

    tulip922s New Member

    How are you doing today. Please keep us posted. Best of luck. Tulip
  14. debkmpf

    debkmpf New Member

    Rosemarie,this is my exact story except I am bipolar.I too was married 22 years and blindsided.I couldn't afford our home,so he had to give me half of what it was worth,half of his 401k,and pay alimony.I moved into an apartment,enrolled in college,got a work study job there,and just finished my freshman year!!!And I'm 48 and my kids are all grown too..Best of luck to you.Don't give up!!!There is light at the end of the tunnel.debk