Husband of wife with Fibromyalgia feels so helpless

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Ernie5552, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    My wife is struggling with Fibromyalgia. I've been trying to understand what she is going through. I try to help by giving her back rubs, foot rubs etc, every nite. I do a lotta house works to try to lessen her less physical pain. But way before she was diagnosed with fibro we had marital issues for a long time, and I blame myself, it's been mostly my fault. I've suffered from depression and panic attacks for 20 to 25 years. I'm on an MAOI (Parnate) and xanax and have been on them also for over 20 years. I know these meds have affected me negatively (personality wise) for a long time, and in turn that hurt our relationship and our marriage. Of that I feel certain. Not too long ago I realized how much I Really Do Love Her. I can't even imagine my life without her. As I said, I am trying to understand what she is going through with the fibro, and trying to ease her pain with back rubs and helping with household chores a lot. I'm wondering if the meds she is taking (Cymbalta) plus other meds before that can change a someone pyschologically and their emotions as well. I know the high dosage of xanax I was on made me a different person. I weaned the dosage down to half, and now I feel so much better. It helped me to realize that My wife is My Life. I love her with all my heart and soul but feel so helpless. I guess I need to really focus and put my health issues on the back burner, and focus completely on her. It's hard but I'm trying to do just that. I haven't done a good job of just focusing on her, but if she will let me, I'll try harder. I hurt for her because I know she is hurting so badly. All I know is that I love her with ALL of my heart,,,, All of my life. I don't think any of you out there can help, but I just felt the need to talk a little, sometimes that in itself helps. Thanks for reading my post.
  2. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    ernie, you've made that first step in understanding your wife's needs. It may or may not be the meds causing her to be/act differently. But the fibro for sure does.

    She's in pain and scared and tired. Tell her you love her. Ask her what she needs.

    I understand how you feel too. I'm struggling with both depression/anxiety (20+yrs) and now fibro. I commend you for trying to help her.

    Allow her to take her meds. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out just the right dosage.

    Hang in there! You can do this.

  3. achingbytch

    achingbytch New Member

    There are things you didn't say. I won't give you silly talk that you can find on Oprah or in some book. What I will tell you is marriage is hard enough for the mentally and physically healthy, so the fact that you both managed to hang in and onto each other, is beautiful. Maybe you both don't see it, but you are each other heroes.
    No one can really help, except to listen and care. If you both are serious about wanting to move forward in your marriage, you need to sit down and listen to what the other is feeling and needing and find a way to give it. Marriage is a form of service, not slavery, but service done out of love and compassion. Sometimes we get off track and forget why we ever got into our marriage and who we married:)
    Don't give up and ask her also, not to give up.
    best of luck to both of you
  4. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    Seriously, you have to take care of yourself too. You don't know how much of a help you are just trying to help. So many people talk about how unsupportive their husbands are. I think you are doing a great job. Backrubs and foot rubs? Did I already ask if you had a brother?
  5. momof471

    momof471 New Member

    Part of taking care of your wife is taking care of you. If you are having problems of your own, don't put them on the back burner. You can take care of yourself and her. My husband and I have been through alot over the past three years. No, hedoesn't understand my pain, but he sure has pitched in and done things when I can't. Fibro has put him through the wringer too. We had marraige issues too. Most people do at some point. Take care of yourself and support your wife with what she is going through, it sounds like you are off to a good start.

    God Bless
  6. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    You are so sweet and are making me cry!

    You do need to take care of yourself also like the previous posters said.

    Im glad to hear you are doing better but make sure you take care of yourself because if you are not doing well then it will somehow affect her.

    Just keep on loving her and supporting her. You seem like such a wonderful husband.

    Take Care,
  7. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    StephieBee, for way too long I was not a "wonderful" husband. I did and said things in the past that hurt my wife deeply. I never cheated on her, I'd never think of doing that, but words can be just as painful. Plus I was pretty much wrapped up in myself for a long time and paid little to no attention to her. No, I'm not a wonderful husband but I hope I have the chance for her to see that I DO love her with all my life and will always be there for her if she wants me. I want so much to be that "wonderful" husband for her. Thanks for writing....

  8. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    I know you say "I hope I have the chance for her to see that I DO love her with all my life and will always be there for her if she wants me."

    I am sure that she sees that.She may not say it cause she has FM to think about and a lot goes through our minds.

    I also take cymbalta but it does not effect my moods.Were all different on how our bodies react to different medications.If she is having problems with it she should talk to her doctor.

    I have a question for you.Have you ever gone to her doctor appointments with her?The reason why I ask is that my husband comes to all my doctor appointments with me and I have one a month.I see 3 doctors and they all see me every 3 month . I make them one month after another.He also comes in the examination room with me.

    We both speak to the doctors .That helps me so much cause he remembers things that I forget and we use all 3 doctors as our counselors.

    Its wonderful that you do chores and give her massages.I am sure that all makes it a little easier for her. With all that you do she can tell that your there for the long hall.If she does not know already tell her about this sight she will make friends and learn a lot about FM/CSF.

    Take care and welcome to the board.

  9. MoibonFL

    MoibonFL New Member

    I don't invite my husband to go with me although he wanted to. I don't know how to explain to him the things I feel and it frustrates him and we get into arguments. I don't find my doc appts all that informative at this time while we try to figure out what will work for me. Maybe in the future it will be different and I will feel different. Right now I am in the "protect my personal space and time" phase and I just feel that I have to deal with all the internal turmoil myself and try to keep the extraneous upsets to a minimum..For some reason I feel that Is best for me at this time. Especially when I have been so impatient with myself and my husband lately.
  10. MoibonFL

    MoibonFL New Member

  11. jmq

    jmq New Member

    I am blessed with the best husband in the world. He has been very supportive and when I was FINALLY diagnsoed with FMS, we were both so relieved ( obviously still naive ) We went to several doctors eager to figure out what will fix it! Finally found a Ruemy that straight out told my husband and I the truth...we can manage it but it will never totally go away. I looked across the room and a tear was falling from my husband's face. At that moment, I think he got it for the first time. If he was not at that appt with me, I do not think I could have told him the grim reality of the situation. Sure enough, I have been getting worse over the last year. I do not know what I would do without his love and support. I wish all the husbands would get together on a message board to support and share their experiences. Does anyone know about one?

  12. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    The most important thing you can do for your wife is to love her and BELIEVE HER (oh ... and vacuum ... lol) ;-) You are a good man.
  13. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    I'd like to add more info concerning my post "No not really a wonderful Husband". I realize now more than ever, that my wife has all she can do to deal with fibro, and any other issues are extremely hard to deal with if not impossible. It's not easy to talk about marital issues or anything else really, while she's trying to cope with Fibromyalgia. Understanding fibro itself must be more frustrating than I could ever imagine, plus dealing with the pain, doctors appointments, trying to get the right medication that will help, not to mention everyday issues like money matters, bills, etc. It's got to be overwhelming. I think I understand because I've been there myself and it's equally frustrating no matter whether it's fibro, panic attacks, depression, or countless other conditions or health problems. As I said in an earlier post I want so badly to help her, so I give her back rubs every nite to try and relax her, ease at least a bit of her pain, and hopefully help her fall asleep a bit easier. Plus I do as much house hold chores as possible. Wanting and trying to help her out and knowing there is only so much I can do really stinks. But the problem is not trying enough to help her feel less pain. The Problem is Me and my big mouth. I don't mean to, but too many times I say the wrong thing, or I dwell on a subject to the point where it only serves to make her feel more frustrated or angry, which only makes matters worse between us. I don't want to make things worse for her, she has enough to deal with as it is, and when I mess up I feel like dirt The only thing I can do is force myself to stop and think before I say anything. Maybe the old "count to ten" concept would help. What I have to do is keep conversations short and simple, and not push it to the point of making a big issue out of it. I love her with all my heart and soul,,, my very life. I've finally come to the hard fact that if I don't change my ways I may lose her, and that would surely destroy my life, because I can't imagine life without her by my side. She is my whole life. That being said, I have strong will power, and I'd better start using that will power to make big changes within myself or risk losing the only true love of my life God so graciously Blessed me with,, my One in six Billion. I'll close by telling all of you who suffer from this demon called Fibromyalgia, you're all in my thoughts and prayers. God bless, and thanks for reading my long winded post..........

    P.S. This is likely the last post I'll make for some time to come. I'll continue reading others though, as I hope to gain as much knowledge as I can about fibro. After all, knowledge leads to understanding. Thanks .....

    [This Message was Edited on 02/24/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/24/2007]
  14. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    Shalala, yes I do vaccumn! (and it sucks! LOL) ....Just kidding, I'd do anything to help my wife out. Thanks!


  15. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    Hi jam, I agree with you 100%. I know how mind altering drugs, be they prescription or otherwise, can drastically change one's personality. I know because for a long time (20 + years) the high dosage of xanax my doctor (former doctor I might add) had me on, changed me into someone else. He also put me on an MAOI (Nardil then later Parnate), and now I'm going to tell my doctor during my next visit that I want to be taken off of the Parnate as well and explore other options. Looking back now, I didn't like the person I'd become. Not one bit. I'm not off of xanax completely, but I am taking a much smaller dosage and it's made a huge difference. But a lot of damage has been done through the years while I was this "other person". Damage to marriage, friendships, etc. It seems to me that taking drugs for a particular health issue only creates another one. But here's the sixty-four thousand dollar question: Is it worth the trade off? It's something I feel everyone should think long and hard about before starting any psych medication, and I don't think asking your doctor is enough. Ask a doctor who specializes with treatment of the illness / condition in question, and don't stop there. Get a second and even a third opinion about any Drugs that are prescribed. Also, read all you can find out about the medication, gather every piece of information that is available on how the drug will affect you physically, and equally important, how is it going to affect you emotionally. Also ask your pharmacist, he or she knows a lot more than people give them credit for. Too many people just take it for granted that their doctor is always right, and they follow his or her instructions without question. I learned the hard way that trusting isn't good enough. My doctor had me on way to high a dosage of xanax and I am partly to blame because I trusted him not only as my doctor, but as a friend, plus I didn't even ask how the drug would affect me. Most doctors have our best interest at heart but they are imperfect humans like anyone else and they can and do make mistakes sometimes. What people have to remember is that psychotic drugs are mind altering drugs, and the danger that they can change our emotional state of mind, even our entire personality is real, and there are risks involved. Just my thoughts and opinion for what it's worth. Thanks for your post jam.

    [This Message was Edited on 02/25/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/25/2007]
  16. deliarose

    deliarose New Member

    your message could not have come at a better time for me. My mother was just prescribed some drugs for a psychotic disorder.

    I will check into it, and see what I can find out.

    Given my background with CFS, and what I have learned about doctors (most of them are mediocrities who are pathologically unable to admit they don't know everything) I should already have thought to look into this....

    But I've been busy with other stuff.

  17. deliarose

    deliarose New Member

    There is a product called Recuperation that some FM people swear by.

    They say it helps with pain. It's an electrolyte drink. I think you still have to order it from Spain, but postage is cheap.

    If you or your wife is interested, there is a yahoo group of Recuperation users who discuss how to treat with this.

    And I do not have a financial interest in this product. It's just something I ran across during my 2 years of frantic research to try and find a solution to my CFS.

  18. Ernie5552

    Ernie5552 New Member

    Ernie here again jam, and I just wanted to add that I feel as if we are all guinea pigs in one giant experiment when it comes to prescription drugs. Paranoia on my part? No, just have read about too many people who could not afford meds, so they participated in programs with "experimental" drugs and had horrible experiences. Plus I wouldn't be shocked at all if we found out that many doctors are getting kick backs ($$) for promoting drugs by the giant pharmaceutical companies. Scarey thought isn't it?
  19. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    Dont dwell on the past hun.

    Look toward the furture. All that counts now is that you want to change. She has stayed with you and you now have the chance to show her the side you have shown us.

    I too had a bad experience with Xanax. I reached the maximum dosage and it made me a person whom I was not. My fiance today...who was my boyfriend back then, stayed with my through those times.

    I truely believe my prescribing doctor did not know what he was doing. I was only a teenager back then and didnt know any better. You and I are better people know for over coming this.

    Dont worry...only the best for us now lies ahead.


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