Husband won't let me be assertive with rude people

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by baanders, Sep 3, 2008.

  1. baanders

    baanders New Member

    I've been using a wheelchair for 3 years.

    Taking care of me has got to be hard on my husband. This fms has been hard on us. It has been doubly hard on my husband (making meals, shopping, cleaning, pushing me in the wheelchair, loss of friends and uncaring family on his side, limited intimacy).

    My husband is a good husband, as you can see. However, whenever someone makes fun of me in the wheelchair or if someone doesn't open the doors for us, I will assert myself. It makes my husband angry. He doesn't feel the rejection. He thinks I am un-lady like to assert myself.

    And my neighbors treat me like I'm mentally retarted. There is already so much backstabbing in this community. It is not Christ-like and it hurts me because I've been too trusting.

    Thank you and hugs to you all :)

    [This Message was Edited on 09/03/2008]
  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Becca I'am so discusted some days on how rude people are I wish I could hit them upside the head with a two by four!!!

    It is shocking in the day and age with all the awarness we supposedly have that people would make fun of you.

    I grew up being teased(had polio)in the 1950's and I can not tolerate bullying or making fun of people.

    Just remember for every knothead there is some who does still know how to help or assist.

    I too am a very trusting person and finally learned that now a days sadly thats not such a good thing. Dump the toxic people in your life you don't need them.

    Hugs to you and just roll over their toes with your chair!!!!!!!
  3. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Soooo sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard.

    People can be so rude.

    I know what you mean about one of the pitfalls of small town living. My dad lives in a small town and everyone knows everyone elses business. But he likes it there and feels there are other things that keep him from moving.

    As for your husband taking care of you, I know it is hard for him, but if things were reversed, wouldn't you do the same?

    Maybe part of it is a "man thing". Men (some) don't always like to talk about feelings.

    This is a situation where the Golden Rule needs to be applied.

    Take care.
  4. baanders

    baanders New Member

    My husband must let me assert myself or I will loose my mind. People are so crude.

    He gets ANGRY at me for asserting myself. I am not aggressive or viscious to others, but he wants me to be ABUSED.

    Please help with this one. It is putting a strain on our marriage. I've been violated in every manner possible (I cannot write it on this website) and I have to watch out for myself so it never happens again.

    thanks and hugs
  5. whoachief

    whoachief New Member

    trade you some of your assertiveness for some of my "walk all over me ness" LOL Maybe if we mixed a little of both we'd be "perfect"! LOL
  6. baanders

    baanders New Member


    I have vowed never again to let anyone hurt me, and to protect myself in every way possible from OTHER STRANGERS, NOT MY PRECIOUS HUSBAND.

    My point was that my hubby won't let me assert myself when i am abused by others when i'm in the wheelchair.

  7. 3gs

    3gs New Member


    was happy to hear it was a miscommuntion.

    still you are great to not let people abuse when in wheelchair. tell hubby to sit in awhile maybe he'll change his mind!

    stay vocal!
  8. pasara

    pasara New Member

    i understand your feelings, but it could be your husband just wants you to save your energy for more important things. in that sense, i'm with him. it is not worth the effort to deal with rude people.


    whatever you say is probably not going to change their attitude or behavior. more likely their own defensiveness will make them even ruder. how many times when you have "asserted yourself" has the person stopped and said, "I'm sorry, you are so right. That was completely out of line and I apologize!" ??

    Go on with life. As for "Christ-like" behavior, didn't He say to "turn the other cheek?"

  9. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    we first got married had a fit when I had fit about receiving cold french fries at a drive thru once. I told him drive right back around and I'll do the talking. So, when we got to the window I grabbed my fries and asked the young man at the window "would you eat this?!!!" and he looked at me like I was crazy until he felt one of the fries and said he was sorry etc and I got nice hot ones.

    But my husband was so embarrassed. He brought that up time and time again in alot of arguments. Finally about 10 years ago he started to have health problems and now he tells me "you take care of this one and give them hell!So, I do. He is more tactful with his words and I just freak out, so there are times I let him be the barking dog!

    But you do as a human being need to defend yourself, wonder if your husband was in your condition what would he do? just sit there? I doubt it.
    We ladies have lived in a mans world way to long and we need to stick up for ourselves. Now there are times that I go about it the wrong way and it bits me in the you know what.

    That was one thing I admired about my Mother, she would tell you basically to go to hell or whatever and you'd think you'd won a prize. She never raised her voice but when she did you'd better listen and her word was the last word, period!

    I don't know if this helps you but at least you know that people here care about you and at least you can vent here! Take care!
  10. TXFMmom

    TXFMmom New Member

    When I have been out shopping I use a scooter. People cut in front of you and stop dead while looking you in the face. I have them race around me just to cut across me. Can't they just cross behind? One man actually fell across the front of the scooter and me and then claimed I tripped him. Three bystanders straightened him out along with myself.

    I try to be assertive with people who demean me or use up my energy.
  11. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    and I agree you should stand up to them if they're making fun of you or demeaning you in any way.

    But as for not opening doors...I guess my feelings there are different.

    I was on crutches for several months not long ago, and as you may know it's almost impossible to open a door for yourself while balancing on one foot and managing the crutches. I was always very grateful when someone would hold open the door for me (and it was sometimes surprising that the people you *least* think would offer this courtesy were the ones who did so!) But I never *expected* anyone to do it.

    If they did, I was grateful, but if they didn't they just didn't. I accepted that and struggled through.

    Were they rude not to? Maybe. But I think I would have been ruder to demand it of them. (Not saying that's true for you, but just that I felt that way myself.)

    And now that I'm able to limp along on my own two feet again, I'm extra careful to help others who need it.

    Best wishes,

    [This Message was Edited on 09/04/2008]
  12. jenn_c

    jenn_c New Member

    But 1) you give them what they want when you react.
    2) Becca, I literally have been there re: being hurt by people. I know the feeling of anger and not wanting it to happen again. To be perfectly blunt, and I am sorry if this comes out the wrong way ; You have every right to be angry, sad or scared (at/about/of) the people who have hurt you. You are letting your anger dictate your life and it probably has a huge impactyour fibro. My best friend sounds just like you, and when we go out she is not assertive with other people but she is rude. It is almost like she wants to do it before someone does it to her. It is very embarrassing. Please go to counseling. I have seen what anger does to a marriage. Anger eats at you, takes up way to much energy, it is unhealthy both physically and mentally. And it eventually will make you alone. I hope you get some help and have a happy peaceful life with your wonderful hubby. you deserve that.

  13. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Your husband should let you defend yourself. You have a right to stand up for yourself and I applaud you for doing so.

  14. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    It is healthy that you want to assert yourself . You can be a lady and still be assertive.

    Here is a funny situation that happened to me :
    I used to ride the bus because we had no car. I have a balance problem and I HAVE to sit down on the bus or I will fall.

    One day , I got on the bus and all the seats were full , the seats for the elderly and disabled ( I used a cane at the time , so they know I was disabled) were being occupied by several teenaged boys.

    The boys wouldn't get up for me to sit down ! The bus started back up and I FELL ON TOP OF THE BOYS !!! I am not a small person . YOu can bet more than one of them got up so that I could sit down. ; )

  15. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I don't mean rude people. I mean people (like your husband) who are offended when people stand up for themselves. There was one time when we were first married that we were out walking and came upon some men loitering near a basketball court in a dark, lonely corner of our apartment complex. I immediately crossed the street and started walking more toward the lighted area.

    My husband got really upset with me. I was so surprised. When I asked him why, he told me it was because there wasn't anything to be afraid of, and it was like I didn't trust him to take care of me. I told him that he was 6-4" and 300 lbs. -- there were very few people that would see him as an easy mark. But I'd been a single woman for most of my life, and I was acting on the instinct of what I knew to be right for me. He really has never understood that -- we've had to agree to disagree.


    The other day we were at Taco Bell. I went first and ordered a combo -- and requested that the beef be changed to chicken. The bored-looking counter help (looking over my shoulder, never in my eye), told me that substitutions were not possible. I immediately told her that she was mistaken, and that I'd had the same order every time I'd come in the place, and that she should check with her manager. She walked off, and came back with the manager, who showed her the right buttons to push for my order. Never once did she acknowledge me. When we reached the table, both my husband and son told me that they'd never seen me so angry (I'd substitute 'irritated'). What was I supposed to do -- roll over and accept something I didn't want because the new employee was too lazy to ask for help?

    When I asked them what they would have done (and it was academic, after all, because they stood there and didn't say a single thing), they had no answers.

    Stand up for yourself. It is good practice. None of us want to think of it, but there is always the possibility someday that our loved ones won't be there for us, and we'll have to go it alone.