I am a complete FAILURE

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Feb 28, 2008.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    OK, I NEED to write this for my sanity....I cannot talk to family or friends about this because I am embarassed and ashamed. I would only get yelled at for everything I am doing wrong. So I have come here hoping you all can send some good wishes my way...PLEASE!

    I just found out today that I have bounced 3 (THREE!!) checks. I NEVER, EVER bounce checks. I think I did one or two times, but those were bank errors and they were fixed. See the problem is, my bank has this new policy where...if you put a check in the bank, they "hold" it for 2 business days until it clears...Well, long story short, I had to pay my mortgage VERY late (including the $70 late fee) b/c we are really struggling financially right now. I deposited a ck in the ATM on Sat, and somehow my other payment that I mailed on Fri cashed on Monday, so they bounced all my other checks (that were GOOD BTW...they just don't show the funds cuz of their STUPID new policy). Anyway, I now have 3 overdraft fees, which means there is another $105 down the drain, when I can't even afford to buy food anymore!

    See..my dh & I make good/decent $$ - we bought this house 4 yrs ago when things were really good - we were fine! But since then, everything has gone downhill for us. We were MAJORLY scammed by a mortgage co when we bought this house - our payment ended up being WAY more than we could afford, so we got SCAMMED again 2 yrs later by ANOTHER mortgage co who talked us into a loan that was interest only...which was a MAJOR mistake, so we had to refi AGAIN (3rd time) to get the rates fixed, and ended up $50,000 more in debt than we were in the 1st place. Then b/c more levies passed here, our monthly payment is FAR MORE than we can afford. We have oil heat - and oil prices have jumped almost 200% since we moved here..........we TRIED to compensate by purchasing a wood burning furnace, but it only helps slightly.

    My dh was in a car accident this week - it happened right in front of me - I was behind him. A snow plow came crashing into him when we were trying to get to work - luckily no one was hurt, but we now have to deal with the insurance co, and this is turning into a JOKE! Our car is totaled (yes, the one that the payment is late on)....I am just so frustrated right now.

    I am terrified we are going to lose our home----we fought so hard to get here, and no...it's not some fancy great place (BY ANY MEANS) but it has been our dream. My dh is adamant now that we just sell it and lose everything. We have both worked too hard to just give up.

    I know I am rambling now, but I feel like the biggest loser, a failure. I have never been late on bills or had bounced checks...now I have these IDIOTS from other countries calling me constanly to see when I mailed my payments, and it's making me sick!

    I feel like I am a horrible mom too - these beautiful children deserve better than me....a mom who HAS to work, and doesn't have meals and fresh-baked cookies when they get home. I have to sit at 10 pm to do their homework, and it is all killing me.

    Bottom line is that I feel like I have FAILED BIG TIME in life...these are feelings I just MUST hide - I know deep in my heart I am a BIG failure. Please....what can I do to make things better for my family? I am at a loss. DH and I have STRUGGLED too much to get to where we are and just lose everything..but I think that is where we are headed. I don't understand why I would be blessed with so many things, to just lose it all....when I am hanging on so desperately, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.............Does any of this make any sense?
  2. victoria

    victoria New Member

    but don't be so hard on yourself, you have enough stress without adding all the 'shoulds' and self-hatred for being ill. We are all human, and with chronic illnesses, life is hard enough without torturing ourselves with that. Give yourself room to be human...

    I wonder if a financial counselor could be of help? I know there are some non-profit places... hopefully someone can point you in the right direction.

    Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you...

  3. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    You sure have had a rough time lately, haven't you. Financial worries are such an awful burden. It's terrible to have to worry every day about money. So many people in the US and Canada worry every day about money and are in enormous debt. And, they are perfectly healthy. Most people these days are living paycheque to paycheque. Many spend more money every month than they make and aren't even aware of it. This is a huge problem in a consumer society... and we're talking about well people for the most part.

    So, maybe you're not a failure there after all. I can't see the evidence that you are. I think that a very large percentage of us here struggles financially and we're not failures. You don't see us as failures. You probably admire the way people cope with these hardships just like people admire the way you cope.

    As for bouncing cheques, well, aside from the fact it's cost you money (big bummer) the way it happened it hardly counts as a good bounce. I've bounced cheques because of holds at the bank and I refuse to count that as a real bounce:~) If we took a poll among the good foggy souls here, I bet we'd find stories of cheques bouncing not only all over the country but all over the world. Big bummer about the penalties, not a big deal to innocently bounce some cheques.

    The car accident sounds very traumatic. You must have been so relieved that your hubby was ok and then so upset about the car. That was a bad break, indeed. It would upset anyone.

    But, Kjade, none of this makes you a failure! A survivor, yes; a failure, most emphatically no! I know this might sound kinda crazy right now but it really makes it much harder to move forward when you're beating yourself up like this. It takes so much energy to give yourself such a terrible thrashing.

    Can you think about yourself as though you were your best friend. Would you tell her she was a terrible failure? Would you follow her around telling her she was a bad mother? Remember, you are paying attention to your own thoughts all the time. Would you say to your best friend: you were blessed with so many things and you're going to lose it all?

    I think you'd probably say more comforting and supportive things because you wouldn't want to make it harder for her to handle what's going on. In fact, I've seen how kind and supportive you are to others on the board so I know you wouldn't treat anyone else the way you treat you.

    Let's look at it this way, you're going to get through this. Maybe you'll have to sell your house and maybe you'll have to do some other things you don't really want to do but you will get through this. You have kiddies and a husband you love, you'll do it. So, why not give being kind to yourself a shot so that maybe getting through it doesn't have to be so hard.

    I'm not saying it's not hard, not for one minute. I'm just saying that it's hard enough as it is without beating yourself up. You haven't done anything wrong. People get bad breaks. And, they survive them. The most important element in getting through them is love. All the people you feel you're letting down, just want you to love them. Excellent, you do love them!

    You asked how you can make things better for you family. It isn't my place to tell you that but, if I did, I'd say to try very hard to be good to yourself so that you can love them with all your energy and not be any more distracted by your anxiety than you need to be.

    Also, the more calm we are the better able we are to move through all that difficult and confusing money stuff. And, of course, when we are sitting with our beloved and trying to figure out how to get throug it, it really helps to look at him and tell him grateful you are that he is the man he is. Being rich in love gets us through hard times far more effectively than being rich in money.

    You seem to me to be a lovely, kind, compassionate woman with a very generous spirit. If you had a best friend like that I bet you'd tell her how terrific she was. You certainly wouldn't tell her she was a failure.

    It's hard to break the habit of "negative self talk" but it really helps and the more you practice the better you get at it. You have way more wisdom to call on than you realize right now. If you were your own best friend, what would you say to you. Maybe you could write your "best friend" an answer to your post.

    You're a good woman, Kjade. Be good to you.

    Peace to you,
  4. Doober

    Doober New Member

    a failure is someone who does not even try.

    YOU are NOT a failure. It is hard these days for a lot of people.

    How can it not when the price of heating oil, gasoline, groceries and just about everything else is rising faster than we can handle sometimes.

    With average raises around 2.5% to 3% and the cost of living rising each year to about the same level if not more. most of us cannot catch up sometimes.

    The good honest people work hard for everything they have and they get screwed by major companies so they can keep their profit margins as high as they can. So the rich people can get the maximum amount on their investments.

    All we can do is the best we can and hope for the best.

    You are NOT a bad mom, you are NOT a bad person.

    i remember telling a friend of mine that the "world is moving too fast and I am not in a hurry to catch up with it".

    So, hold your head up high because you are doing the best you can. In my opinion, that is good enough considering these times we live in.

  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Good Morning my friend..
    A failure?? Are you kidding me? No way!! What has happened is the bounced checks (which happens to the best of us) is what broke the camel's back and suddenly everything feels like it's just too much. Put that one in perspective.

    What your kids will take with them as they grow up are 'feelings' - feelings of love, safety, hope. I always wished I could be a stay at home Mom, but unfortunately I couldn't be. You make the most of what you're dealt in that department. You care. Right there, that proves you're a wonderful mother.

    I will not discount your feelings. You're having a tough time right now and I think it's important that you feel them, that you get it out...you can't change "feelings", but you can change 'thoughts', which in turn change feelings.
    It's funny, I read what rafiki posted and I had to see if I posted it. I would've writted the exact same thing. That is SO how I think.

    Financial troubles are so heavy. I am feeling them as well and have recently had to take on another 'opportunity' in addition to my part time job. I am stressed to the hilt. BUT I will do what I have to do. I have a feeling you are the same way. You are doing what you have to do. It's damn tough when you have physical limitations like we do. But we are strong, you are strong - in your heart, more than anything. Please don't get me wrong - at times, we all HAVE to be weak, and let go and cry and everything else, because we carry way more on our shoulders than most people do.

    You are still blessed. Don't forget that. You're having a moment where everything seems impossible, but it's not. Take the time you need to feel what you're feeling. Don't hide those feelings from yourself. You will find that inner fighter and push forward.
    Wrap your arms around yourself (it feels weird at first) give yourself a big hug, be your own best friend and tell yourself that everything WILL be okay no matter what - you will always have your beautiful children - the rest you will figure out. You will.

    I don't feel like I can articulate very well this morning, so I will come back this afternoon.
    In the meantime, please know I am thinking of you.
    We all are.
  6. sisland

    sisland New Member

    I'm thinking of you and praying that things will get better soon! You are are a beautiful person and NOT a FAILURE!,,,,,,,

    Like stated above There are alot of Folks that have been in the same situations! (Including Me!) But we lived through it!,,,,,,,,,,,,

    It has nothing to do with what kind of a person you are!!

    Maybe it has to do with the type of Government we are under right now!

    I can only offer some advice,,,,,like go to the bank and sit down with them and try and work out the check situation,,,,,,,,

    or Close all your accounts and pay your bills with Money orders!,,,,,,,Banks make big money off of consumers who occasionaly make errors in their checking accounts! ,,,,,Some of their so called time lines are set up (imho) for just that purpose,,,,,Could be wrong on that one!,,,,,

    I know it's hard ,,,,,But go to a local Food Bank to help ends meet with grocerys!,,,,,,You have to feed the kids! and yourselfs!,,,,,,,,,,

    You are a wonderful Gal and will live through this without so much as a scratch,,,lol (well Maybe a scratch),,,,,,,Hang in there and i'm praying for you and your Dh and Kids!,,,,,,,,,,Sis
  7. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Oh Kjade, I feel for you honey. People make mistakes, that is how we all learn. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a failure, and you are definetly not a horrible mother. Your family is lucky to have you in their life. Just sit back and think, "what if my family didn't have me", then you will see how thankful they are to have you.

    I know right now it is hard, but it will all work out. I was in that situation when we were first married and we went check to check and sometimes only had mac and cheese for dinner, off brand cereal, not treats, just things that were needed.

    Just remember, God only gives us what we can handle. I am glad you came and talked to us about this and i hope it helps you Kjade. Maybe now is a good time to practice your writing, you could try kids books or anything. You never know.

    You will be in my prayers!!!!!!
  8. monica33flowers

    monica33flowers New Member

    Don't think you are a failure by any means! I just want to start off with lots of cyber hugs for you...please don't carry this burden all on your own. Talk with your hubby and share the burden. Four shoulders make it much easier than just two. You are a beautiful woman who has been dealt a bunch of bad luck lately.

    As for the kids, honey, you are giving your kids a loving home and so many kids don't even have that now a days. So what if you're not making cookies it is your love that counts....as your children grow older they will understand and admire you for what you did give them --- not what you didn't!

    I just want to reach out to you and tell you everything will be OK. I've been in a similar situation and I started with letting go of the purse strings. I gave everything to Randy and said, "here you go, I can't carry this burden any longer." Randy use to blame me a lot for reasons for not having money for bills, he would say, "what do you mean you can't pay this bill, what did you do with the money?" This just use to cause me so much more hurt and then I turned the tables....I made him take care of paying all the bills, etc. He truly understand how hard it is on a limited income.

    I just want to say we are all here for you, all of us have strong shoulders for a good cry....be easy on yourself and don't blame yourself any longer.

  9. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I wrote this post late last night. I was feeling very down and very overwhelmed with things. I needed at vent somehow. It was very late, and after I finished writing, I just went to bed, very sad...I prayed for things to turn around for us.

    Then I woke up this morning, and the first thing I thought was that I needed to get in here so I could delete this post. Since it was so late, I knew I wrote things I wouldn't normally because I felt so low, and I was a little embarassed. But THEN...I came on and saw all of your wonderful heartfelt replies to me. You truly are such a great group of friends - I don't know what I would do without you all and your support. I cried (which is something I never do anymore) when I read your replies. I guess I really needed to do this. It is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

    Victoria: You are right-it is hard enough to live with illness, and to constantly beat myself up for everything only makes me worse. I do torture myself, and wish I could learn how to stop that. I have thought about a financial counselor - I am so afraid of dealing with anyone anymore though b/c we have been so screwed over by most people we have ever dealt with. Thank you for your support and advice.

    Rafiki: Your post made me realize that I would NEVER, EVER treat my best friend like I treat myself! EVER!! In fact, I would be hugging her and trying to soothe her and trying to make her laugh. I would be trying to think of ways she could help herself, and I would be going out of my way to make sure things got better for her. So why do I berate myself so mercilessly? I think I know deep down that I am NOT a "failure" - actually I am a survivor. But for some reason, it's easier to hate myself than to hate the world. Everything you wrote touched my heart....I loved when you said "Being rich in love gets us through hard times far more effectively than being rich in money." DH and I have struggled so much, but we ARE still here together, and I know we can get through anything. I cried when I read that. It was very scary when he got hit - I don't know how he wasn't hurt because the driver door was the most damaged - the guys' hitch put a hole right through the door - even shattered the door handle. Thank God my kids were in my car, but we were behind him and they saw it too. They seem to be ok about it though. Thanks again Rafiki. You are such a sweetheart.

    ovrwhelm: We do have these little portable heaters in each of our rooms downstairs and they do help. Our wood burner helps too...I just wish the oil prices weren't so high. When we bought this house, the oil was $1.40 a gallon - yesterday it was $3.29 a gallon. It costs about $1000.00 in the winter for us to heat the house, and that is with the woodburner! But thank you - you made me laugh when you said Can't you just run away?

    Molly: You are right - what is happening in this country with mortgages is TERRIBLE! People are losing their homes because of the types of loans we got roped into. Where I live, there wasn't any type of regulation on these predatory lenders, until recently of course..now that it's too late. And I'm sick of being blamed - people keep saying to us "well you are the ones who signed the forms! You should have read what you were signing!" Yes, we did sign the forms, but we were also mislead by some very manipulative, conniving criminals, IMO who should be in jail. I guess you live and learn. Things going on in this country right now are just making me sick.

    Doober: My co-worker and I were just saying that same thing the other day. Our annual raises don't aren't even enough for a tank of gas anymore, let alone "cost of living". Prices of groceries keep going up like crazy (a dozen eggs was $1.00 at our store - they are now $3.09) - and they keep blaming the gas prices. When is it all going to stop? When everyone is unable to even drive to work or eat anymore? Thank you - your reply reminds me I am not alone.

    Janalynn: You are right - the bounced cks really just did me in..it really wasn't the end of the world, but I have just been dealing with so much, and that was the final straw. You are so sweet. When I take a step back, and really look at my children, I see very bright, happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids. I try to tell myself I must have played SOME part in that. They are still young, but they REALLY are good kids. They make me very proud. I can only pray they will continue to grow and flourish and one day be happy, productive adults. No I have never been able to stay home with them, and that has been a really tough thing for me. But I see how great they do in the world, how polite and kind they are, and I think I really don't give myself enough credit. I am always saying what a great role model my husband is for them, but I fail to ever acknowledge that I have any role in how well they are turning out. Thank you for such nice words - I do know everything will be ok.

    Sisland: You're right - bouncing cks doesn't make me a bad person, making mistakes doesn't make me horrible, it just feels that way at the time. You are such a dear! I think I agree with you about the banks. I just don't understand about these new practices of theirs - it seems they were all put into place for them to profit more. Where do these FEES of theirs go anyway? Back into the bank? I laughed when you wrote about a scratch. Wow, if problems were really scratches, we would ALL be pretty nicked up huh? Thanks Sisland.

    Mickey: Thank you for writing to me. We also live paycheck to paycheck. I buy only generic cereals and other foods. My poor kids mostly get TV dinners, hot dogs or chicken nuggets for dinner. And they are still healthy. I wish I had more time for big family dinners though---that is something we do on Sundays, and my kids really look forward to it. They love when I make my big meals - I just wish I could do it everyday. And you are right - God only does give us what we can handle...it's not always easy, but I guess I have handled everything so far ok. Writing to you guys really DOES help me. It is therapeutic - I've said before that writing here is much cheaper than going to my therapist!

    Elaine: You are so right....this negative self-talk does come from my childhood...I still haven't quite grasped how to stop. You are all helping me so much, you have no idea. Thank you so much for telling me I'm not a bad mom. Everything in my life revolves around my kids. Maybe I should stop putting myself up to this image of what I THINK a good mom should be, and just realize that I am the RIGHT mom for these kids. I am all they really need. (even though they don't show it all the time!) We do shop at thrift stores...my FIL took us to one once, and I was embarrased to go in there, but after I started to see all the great clothes and the prices, I never really shop anywhere else! The kids only get new clothes on their b-days or Christmas - everything else comes from Thrift. You can go in there with $50 and come out with 20 different things or outfits! I am no longer ashamed. You are such a dear sweet friend.

    I got some good news this morning...I called my bank (even though I didn't want to) and basically begged. I spoke with a very nice gentleman (which is VERY rare anymore) and although I spent 45 min on the phone with him, I was able to get them to remove the bounced fees. I can't believe they did, but my prayer was answered. Also, my brother called dh to work with him this weekend for overtime pay. And the car insurance co is going to drive out to us today to look at our van and do the estimate so we can get it fixed ASAP (it is not safe for dh to drive in the state it's in now).

    I thank you all soooo much for your thoughts and your prayers. You all ARE my extended family. I don't know what I would do without you guys. I only hope I can be there for everyone when they are down as much as you all have been here for me.
  10. kjade

    kjade New Member

    You must have replied while I was typing! (I see I had quite a lengthy reply!) Thanks so much for the hugs----I can REALLY feel the love from everyone.

    I have told my dh to just take over with the check book. He too gets frustrated because I will tell him we need to borrow money from my FIL (which he hates to ask) and he will say "what happened to the money I just put in there"? He doesn't understand that I just had to pay tons of bills and it's gone. He works in construction and although he makes good money, he doesn't always work 40 hrs/wk because of weather or supplies not being ready....it is very difficult, especially this time of year for us. He always tells me "you knew you were marrying a carpenter!" And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way....I love him more today than I did when we met.

    Thank you again for being so sweet. I do feel like I got a HUGE hug this morning!
  11. pumpkinpatch

    pumpkinpatch New Member

    kjade: My husband is a plumber and we started our own plumbing business last year and he does mainly new home plumbing installation so I totally understand how cold weather can effect our income. very stressful. We also have 2 other employees and I try to maintain payroll.
    We are relying on savings.
    Also we need a new transmission in our 2005 Explorer. We have NO REVERSE and it's going to cost $3,000.! Luckily we live in a brand new home and the heat costs are very low. However, we do have a high mortgage. But don't have to spend money on renovations since the home is new.
    I just wanted to say that we all have our challenges and I'm always looking for strategies, solutions and revamping my financial and living plans. I find for myself this makes things less stressful.
  12. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    I am so happy for you for the little things that God has "fixed" already. WOW, you are living proof that God works in mysterious ways.

    You are a good person Kjade, i can just tell by the way you post, even though i have never met you.

    You deserve to be happy and you know what I only have time to fix big dinners on Sunday too and I am kind of glad. It makes Sunday something we all look forward too. A big dinner, time together, etc.... If i did it all the time, it would take the fun and excitement out of it.

    I am so glad some of the problems have turned around for you. I will keep you on my prayer list for the other problems and who knows tomorrow maybe when you wake up there will be another happy thing that happens.

    Love ya and keep on truckin.

  13. jole

    jole Member

    Just now saw your post, but had to say how much I admire you for being such a caring person. There is no way you could ever be "a failure". The most important things on this earth are love and compassion, and you my dear have those.

    As for the checks, is that any worse than forgetting to sign them, or signing your maiden name after 40 years of marriage??? Oh yeah, that's where I'm at...and feeling pretty foolish about it too when the bank calls to verify and ask if they should put them through!

    Friends - Jole
  14. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    You've got a fan club!

    Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. It makes us all aware of what we are capable of. We need to know that a new day can bring some solutions. You give us hope!

    I'm so glad you didn't have an opportunity to erase that post! We needed it!

    peace to you,

  15. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    think you are a failure, KJ. I think you've had some bad luck.

    The laws prohibit lenders from charging usurious rates, but banks are allowed to charge outrageous fees and credit card companies charge 20 to 30%.

    There are economic forces at work that we have no control over, just like the folks who lived during the great Depression.

    The middle class is shrinking. Not much we can do except struggle along as best we can.

    The above posters are right. Don't blame yourself.

  16. doloresf1

    doloresf1 New Member

    Consider this: A failure is an event, not a person.

    Love, doloresf1
  17. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Just wanted to give you some (((((((((hugs))))))))).

    You have some great advice here from some great friends. What more could I add to this??

  18. desertlass

    desertlass New Member

    But I just want to chime in, too, that you are nowhere close to being a failure.

    I don't care if you serve chicken nuggets or hot dogs for every meal-- in my book, you are one classy lady.

  19. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    you are not a failure. You hae had alot of bat luck and circumstances that happened so closely together but that is not reason to feel like a failure. I know tht you feel really bad about everything and probably very frustrated which is very NORMAL.

    However, a failure are not sweetie. Soory I just read this and I have to run right now but Iwantd to let you kow how sorry I am for all your bad circumstance but just try and give it some time and maybe looked into some of
    the things others have suggested ike s-elaine.

    Bye for now . It is night nite time.

    (((KJADE))) Luv, Granni
  20. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    ---that so many bad and disappointing things have happened to
    such kind and caring people! You know, Kjade, things that have
    happened to you are not of your making. You are certainly not
    ALONE in your current problems! Many of these "refinance"
    contracts are thought to have been perpetrated under fradulent
    circumstances! Yours may have been one of them and I'd attempt
    to contact Legal Aid in your community as well as a source of
    Credit Counseling by a "Non-Profit" agency near you! They
    should be able to help you and Husband evaluate your situation
    and arrive at a realistic solution.

    Furthermore, the only "failure" is found in not trying at all!
    You and Hubby had the courage to reach for a dream and it will
    happen for you again. I'm confident of it!!

    Huggles Kiddo!