I am an enigma because of fibro

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lurkernomore, Aug 17, 2005.

  1. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I don't really know how to put this to keep it from being so long so I will just dive in here. Yesterday my phone rang and it was my little neighbor lady of eight years, calling me to tell me that her husband had just past away. Now this couple has always fascinated me as they were in their 80's and so active.

    They went and did everything together including mowing their lawn. They would each crank up a push mower, she started on one end, he the other and it looked as if they *raced* to see who reached the middle part first. They grocery shopped, went power walking, just everything together.

    When I got off the phone I decided to call the president of our HOA and let her know about the neighbor's death. She was very nice and said the sub division had enough money in the funds to send flowers and we discussed putting together a meal for the lady for when family gathers at her home.

    What surprised me though, is that when the prez of the HOA found out who I was, she made a comment something like "oh, so your hubby DOES have a wife! We had wondered since no one has ever seen you out."

    Now, she didn't say it in an ugly manner at all. It was jokingly and she was laughing a bit. It just made me stop and think of what a hermit I have become and how my OWN hubby has to go to neighborhood gatherings and meetings alone. No one here except the neighbors to the direct right and left of me know that I even exist.

    Okay, so I am not feeling sorry for myself. It just made me stop and think of how outgoing I use to be and how it all changed. My neighbor lady is the one who needs the prayers and conndolences. I just cannot imagine seeing her without her husband of all these many years right by her side. So sorry for the ramblings. I just feel like I want to do something special for her and am trying to figure out exactly what and where to begin.
  2. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Hi,
    I think what you are doing for your neighbor is grand. Your compassion and generosity are wondeful and I know they will be appreciated.

    The sense of loss , at not being able to do things with your hubby and be in the whirl with your neighbors is really understandable. These DDs really change our lives. But they also give us a chance to grow in compassion, and you , certainly, have done that.

    I don't know if you want to do this, but you might tell that person why you are so homebound. Maybe that would open the door for your neighbors, and even if you can't go to activities, you will not be forgotten.

    Hugs,
    Terry
  3. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Thank you so much for the kind words. Actually, I saw an opportunity to tell the HOA president that I had (what I refer to fibro as) a neuromuscular disorder, and she was really very kind and seemd very concerned.

    Yes, I do miss going and doing things with my hubby and would sometimes look out my window, watching this couple and find myself hoping that a cure would come along. So that when hubby and I got to our 80's, we could be just like them. I think I was living somewhat vicariously through them.

    I am still trying to reach my neighbor to the right of me by phone to ask what arrangements have been made so that I will know how to progress here. I have moved a big roast from freezer to fridge overnight and am thinking of going ahead and cooking it up just in case food is needed. Right now my neighbor has gone to be at her son's home so there is no way to reach her.

    She sounded so very calm when she called me yesterday, fairly well resigned to the fact that her dear hubby has passed. I realize he was in his mid 80's and had been hospitalized since Friday and she has to be exhausted. Goodness me, I cannot stop thinking about these two who have made such a huge impression of what love and togetherness means!
  4. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    bump, bump, bump...
  5. naturebaby

    naturebaby New Member

    I'm blessed to have in my life a number of older loving couples. My mom and dad, just celebrated their 45th anniversary, are still very active and young and do lots of things together, BUT they also have separate interests. Mom volunteers at the hospital, Dad is a member of Rotary, etc. etc.

    My inlaws are also very loving. They call each other sweetheart and darling and dearest. They aren't able to be as active but that love is also a strong one.

    My neighbours sound just like your neighbours. Peter and Ann are probably in their early '70s. Their gardens are their pride and joy and they are beautiful! They work daily on the gardens together and like to travel.

    My husband John is a very affectionate and loving man. He still surprises me with flowers for no reason from time to time, and has been my rock since my health began to fail. We hold hands - even to walk from the car to the grocery store.

    There's a great saying "You're never far apart when you're holding hands". I think it's so true! So don't worry about your own hubby having to do things on his own.....if that love is still there, just keep nurturing it and it will continue to deepen and grow.

    Perhaps you could write her a letter, describing some of the loving moments they shared that you witnessed, and what a powerful impact it made on your life. People who are recently bereaved WANT to talk about their loved ones. So many people are afraid to talk to them about it. I'm sure it's a letter she would cherish.

    You have a kind heart. Bless you for it. Wishing you well, nature
  6. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Well, you do have some beautiful examples of loving couples in your life too, don't you? And I am so happy that your hubby brings you flowers and is so romantic like that.

    My hubby is not as romantic as in bringing flowers. His way of proving his love is that he works so hard so that I don't have to and never complains or doubts my pain. He never has been ugly or mean to me or shown any signs of frustration by the way our lives have changed.

    And just yesterday, because I am diabetic and had mentioned how weary I was growing of drinking tea with Splenda, he drove around to three or four different places, searching for the flavor Fruit2O that I had mentioned I loved.

    Love comes in so many different shapes and actions, doesn't it? But as the song goes, as far as my hubby goes, "He's close enough to perfect for me." Thank you for the lovely idea about a memory book I could work on for my neighbor. I am really intrigued, and think that is a wonderful idea. I love to write, use to for a local magazine, so that is right up my alley! Thanks again and bless you for your kindness!
  7. naturebaby

    naturebaby New Member

    Hi lurker,
    We seem to have a lot in common! I think your husband sounds like a peach! You're absolutely right - love expresses itself in many ways. Flowers are not required! It's about honouring and caring for each other, isn't it? I treat my husband like a king......and he treats me like a queen.....it works for us!

    I'm a writer, too. Have done lots and lots of corporate writing -- PR stuff, brochures, newsletters, website content. Can't do it professionally anymore.

    I haven't written for pleasure since my teens. Now I'm finally getting that novel written -- it's been cooking in my head for years! Don't know or care if anything comes of it. I'm enjoying the creative process and am pleased with my efforts so far. Give it a try when the spirit moves you!

    Your "memory book" will be cherished, I just know it. It's great to get to know you a little better. I'll keep my eye out now for your posts, and hope you'll do the same!

    A kindred spirit, nature
  8. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I had started on mine too. Then our computer died and hubby bought a Dell, which I truly love. But I don't think my writings were saved-eeks!

    But it's okay because I have known for a long time what I wanted to write about and which direction I wanted to take the book so it will just be about my stopping the procrastinating and getting back to work on it.

    It is about a girl brought up in the south, (surprise, surprise and....wait, I don't want to give too much away here, ha ha!) I do know I have quite a bit of research for one particular aspect and with evrything going on right now around here, my mind just is not focused nor is my heart into it at this point. But someday soon!
  9. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I learned the visitation and funeral are tomorrow so I will be going to those. Following that, I will just play it by ear and try to take my cues from her.

    She is a very private person so I want to be careful not to impose. And she is blessed in that she has a grown son who lives nearby who has come, every day without fail, on his lunch hour to check on her husband and her. Isn't that wonderful?

    But there will be times, I am sure, when the services are over and everyone has gone home, when she is bound to feel terribly lost and alone. I just want to let her know that I will be available for her during those times, night or day. (I don't sleep much anyway.)
  10. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I will definitely be close by for my neighbor. I haven't always and am not always housebound so I can sometimes make a check on her. I did that this past winter, when it was so cold here.

    If the power went out I would go and see if the two of them needed candles or flashlights. When we all were snowed in I had them and the couple to the right of us over and had baked cookies, made a veggie platter and a few more munchies.

    The neighborhood association has really tickled me by sending flowers and I found out today that we will be serving a meal for her family the day after tomorrow. I can't cook a lot right now but have a roast slowly thawing in the fridge that I can put in the slow cooker for them.

    It is so great to know I am living in a neighborhood or sub division that is taking such good care of it's own! We are all we have got, so this is great to know! Oh and thank you so much for the kind words. I do believe that fibro makes us all more compassionate and who knows, maybe this is the reason for it. We will never know, but if it causes us all to stop and think, to care a little more for one another, then I am okay with that.