I am having a complete mental and physical collapse...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by petemora, Feb 7, 2010.

  1. petemora

    petemora Member

    I just cannot take this illness any more.

    I think I picked up whatever "this" is, from a blood transfusion in 1995. I toughed it out and was able to work until 2005, when I went on disability.

    I am so tired of fighting - my disability ins. company has reclassified me as depressed and anxious - mental illnesses - so that they can cut my benefits after 2 years.

    I had a hearing with Social Security in 2008 and lost. Filed a new claim and am waiting for my second go-round.

    I'm getting worse, physically and mentally. I used to do the dishes and laundry on my good days. Now I don't have good days. My husband works full time, takes care of me and all the household chores with never a complaint. I feel very undeserving of his love and devotion.

    I have grandchildren I rarely get to see, I miss their school events, holidays, etc.

    For the most part, no one understands. I guess I don't "look" sick, whatever that means...

    Any suggestions?
  2. springwater

    springwater Active Member

    sounds really tough. i understand the 'not looking sick' but 'completely non functional' part.

    i hope and pray you win disability this time, and im happy to hear your husband is taking
    such good care of you, god bless him and may there be more partners like him.

    god bless
  3. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Petemora, I understand what you are going through and sometimes I think the loss of having a life and fighting all the time is worse than this dd.

    Have you tried Allsup to help get your benefits? Are your docs on board for writing letters? There are good letters on here. I don't understand the fight everyone on here has to go thru to get thier benefits. Its crazy.

    Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and he wouldnt be there if he didnt love you. You do deserve his love. He knows this is something you cant not control and would be there for him if the roles were reversed.

    I too rarely get to see my grandkids and I helped raise them for years. That hurts more than anything. Understand about missing all the events. I'm still trying to make peace with this.

    take the best care of you and rest. hopefully with the new info coming in they will figure this out.
  4. petemora

    petemora Member

    Thank you for your kindness in responding.

    I'm just feeling so alone and misunderstood and I have lost all hope of ever getting better. I really can't imagine going through this another 20 or 30 years (I'm 54 now).

    This is how I think of my husband - I had a dream once where I died and went to Heaven. My husband must have passed first, because he was already in Heaven, and he greeted me with a big smile and said: "Guess what, Honey, We got a cabin by the lake". I live in Minnesota where retiring to a cabin by the lake is a dream of many. Anyway, I always think that we'll get a cabin by the lake as a reward to my husband for his caring and loving soul...
  5. petemora

    petemora Member

    Thanks for writing.

    I have a great attorney (this time around) and my doctor is very supportive. My ALJ treated me so disrespectfully, and she very obviously made her decision before we even had a hearing.

    I am feeling just heartsick about my children and grandchildren. I want to be there for them and with them and can't. And I don't know how much they really understand my illness, I think maybe they think I just don't care enough or I would try harder...

  6. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    It is so hard to explain to the gkids. Mine are 16-11-8 up until about 3yrs ago I was with them everyday. I hate that the first thing they ask is "how are u feeling?" are u sick today can u come?

    I've just told them it really stinks being sick and not something I can control. I wish I could be with them or see thier program. Its hard for them because this has gone on forever. Its my biggest heartbreak.

    I do talk to them on phone and email fun things to them.

    While yes they dont understand,I think your gkids know you love them and that you care. It's such a hard road,but if you try harder,you crash harder(I did this). give them lots of hugs.
  7. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Didn't someone post something here last week about Obama changing the health act so that mental illness would be treated no differently than any other illness?
  8. petemora

    petemora Member

    A big THANK YOU to everyone to responded. It really helped.

    I haven't been getting out of the house much lately. Three times in December, twice in January, not yet in February. Three of those times I got out were to go to the dentist for a root canal!

    Physically, I am much the same, but mentally, I am doing better! My daughter came to visit with her family - we had tried to drive down to her home but were forced to cancel our trip THREE TIMES because of the weather - this is Minnesota, after all.

    Anyway, both daughters visited with their families - it totally wore me out but put a big smile on my face!

    Blessings to you all!
  9. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Haven't heard from you for a long time. Sorry things are so tough.

    I have been living in Los Angeles the last 40 years. Born in Decorah, IA; grew up
    in Harmony, MN; went to school in St. Paul; worked in Minneapolis.

    Here is my conclusion after all these years. California has better weather.
    Minnesota has nicer people.

    That routine denial of benefits from Soc Sec is a slap in the face from a govt.
    that doesn't care about working people. Uff-da!