I am in tears over what husband just said to me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by petsrme, May 25, 2006.

  1. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Yesterday I had to get up early to take my mother to the doctor. I took her and sat in the docs office for about an hour and then went to get my hair done. I only get it done about twice a year (the color). My daughter then came to meet me and get hers done so I sat from 10 am until 6 pm in a docs office and in a salon. I started to feel worse and worse and was aching all over. I was so tired I could hardly hold my head up.

    I had recently been thinking maybe I should try to go back to work for about thirty hours a week after the summer is over. I had it in my head maybe I could do it now. Sitting and feeling like I did yesterday just reiterated to me that I can't work. I forget what riding for hours and being active or sitting for hours does to me. If I don't go at my own pace and get to lie around I just can't function. I start to ache, run a fever and feel fluish. I thought since I had lost all the weight possibly I might could try to get a job.

    Well anyway by eleven pm last night I was so tired and sick I fell into the bed. I slept from eleven pm last night until seven pm tonight. I could have slept longer, but I knew I had to get up for my own self esteem. I just talked to my husband on the phone and told him that I was sure now that I couldn't go to work after what happened yestereday. I said it just wore me out. I said that I must have Epstein Barr in addition to lupus and fms or maybe lupus is causing my severe fatigue. He started yelling and saying "you slept twenty hours!!!! You should be ashamed!" He said there was no excuse to ever sleep that long and that I should use mind over matter. I asked him why should I when I felt my body obviously needed to sleep that long and I had nothing else to do. The house is clean and he couldn't be bothered to come home because he wanted to play cards. Why should I get out of the bed. He said I should get up because it is embarrassing to sleep that long.

    He said that maybe my body needs the sleep, but it isn't good to let it get that sleep. He said he needs a lot more sleep than he gets but he doesn't do it. I told him he should let his body sleep if it needs it and it isn't my fault if he doesn't.

    I am just crying and disgusted over this. I am so sick of explainging myself to people. i am so sick of being ashamed of myself for sleeping too much. My body knows what it needs. Sorry for ranting. I just had to say something even if no one reads it.
  2. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I am so sorry, it is obvious that he doesn't understand your illnessess. have he read any about it at all?

    Maybe if you told him before that you considered working, he thought somehow you were getting better, and is dissapointed and take it out on you?

    You know that you're right, and all you can and should do is stay within your limits and do what you need to do to function.

    Others can take it or leave it. I hope you have considered applying for disability. get it done soon, is my advice.

    many hugs,

  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i look at it if you are sleeping that long there must be something quite serious going on and needs some medical/and or mental attention...i am not saying your mental do get me wrong...

    but sometimes when people are depressed they can sleep for very long hours...

    i wished i could try that some day...20 hours is a long time...i agree but could you really help it? no!

    i hate it when people have tried or told me how they just pulled themselves up by the boot straps...i think boot this...

    i am sorry you are feeling so lousy...

    i would reccomend talking to your medical doctor to see if this normal for people w/lupus etc...

    maybe some medication reacted like this to you as well....

    or your body was just plain old tired...

    i commend you for even thinking about going back to work for 30 hrs a week...pat yourself on your back...

    maybe you could try something 3-4 hours a day then work up to it...

    do (not i forgot to add this the first time...sorry) feel sorry for ranting that is what we are here for...

    you have lots of support here from all of us..

    [This Message was Edited on 05/25/2006]
  4. kalina

    kalina New Member

    I'm so sorry your husband doesn't understand! It's not right we have to go through so much and have to deal with this attitude that we can use "mind over matter" to get better. If that's all it took, we would ALL be well!

    What healthy person would sleep for 20 hours??? You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It's your husband who should be ashamed of treating you that way!

  5. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    ...never and I mean never feel ashamed of being sick, it is not your fault.

    Hey, on my days off I crash big time and take a lot of little naps throughout the day and my house is a big mess...LOL

    The way I look at it is...I am more important than a little (well, a lot) of dust...LOL :)

    Tell you DH to kiss you butt or better yet lay down and take a nap with you. It sounds like he could use one :)

    I will go for weeks at a time with only sleeping three to four hours a night and then my system will crash and I will sleep for 12-15 hours.

    I hope it gets better for you,

  6. jenni4736

    jenni4736 New Member

    I have FM, CFS, and the newest is Lupus. I know what being that tired feels like. When I take a bath I crawl out and go straight to the floor on my towel. That is my idea of "drying off" on a rough day.

    Most people these days run full steam on 6-8 hours of sleep. For them it works... for a while. It used to work for me too. I get it. I understand. There are days that brushing my teeth is too much. It sounds disgusting....and it is....but I know what being that tired feels like.

    If you have never felt it....there is NO WAY you could understand. He just doesn't get it honey. Tell him to stay up for three days straight...and then try to function, think, clean, etc. That is the only way he could even BEGIN to imagine.

    Our loved ones have a choice to TRY to see things our way. The reality is, he probably resents the fact that you "GET" to stay home and "sit around and sleep all day" while he works. He is taking his frustration out on you it sounds like.

    He needs to get some counciling to help him deal with this. I really recommed it!

  7. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    I have learned to sleep when I need to. Somedays I get up when I am still tired because I have to but others I sleep when my body needs to.

    I just slept for almost 2 days in a row 4am Wed till 4pm Thurs. cause I needed it.

    I am so sorry you do not have the support of your husband. Try and hang in there.
  8. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you all so much for helping me. I really needed the support and YES I would love to borrow that stamp! LOL!

    I guess I should have explained myself better, I sometimes don't do that. LOL! This has happened to many times for several years. Ever since I got sick actually with all this stuff. If I go on a trip that is over two hours, go to a reunion, go all day doing anything, I get this way and have to sleep loooooonnnng hours. Even on Christmas and Thanksgiving, I know that I will be sent into a flare and have to stay in bed at least a day to recoup afterwards. I guess it is the cooking and just being up and at em all day. My usual days are me just getting up when I want, lying around watching tv and maybe straigtening up the house at my own pace.

    On the days like yesterday, that I do have to be up and out I will start aching all over, run a fever, feel terrible and fluish and have to sleep for hours and sometimes take days to recover. I hadn't overdone it in awhile and had been hoping that maybe, just maybe the weight loss would have helped with the fatigue and this happening. I don't know about ya'll but I am one of those people who forgets what the pain is like after it is over. I remember that it was bad, but then kind of think oh well, maybe it won't happen again. After many years of it happening I have gotten used to it and know it will happen, but I guess I was just being optimistic and hoped that losing weight and bringing my blood pressure down might have helped. I also never dreamed that sitting in a salon all day would wear me out like that, but I guess I should have known since just riding in a car for hours has always sent me into a flare.

    I hate having this happening to me, but in a way it boosts my belief in my illnesses. It may depress me and make me upset, but it reiterates to me that I AM SICK and not over reacting.

    Thank you all for your support and kind words. You are all super!!!!

    ANNXYZ New Member

    The fact that he refuses to look objectively at your reality , does not make your need to sleep long hours
    a character or personal issue. This is HIS blindspot !

    I went through a divorce after the third year of this disease . The stress made it worse . I could NOT function , and would be isolated at home alone in bed for sometimes two three weeks at a time . I was either sleeping or crying . For at least three years , I required twelve hours sleep each day . I Still sleep at least ten.

    All we can do in this situation is our best . We do NOT have control. The irony of this may be that there will come a time when he becomes ill and remembers his humiliating remarks .

    If it were me ( you can delete this advice or flush it down the toilet ) I would tell him that I feel helpless to
    be able to do better and that his remarks were belittling .
    I would also remind him that feeling demeaned makes aperson want to withdraw and become distant .

    Hold your head up . The fact that you so desperately want to be productive and pull your weight speaks to the heart of who you are . I hope he is generally a good guy , but he is being insensitive and hurtful .

    The purpose of marriage is to build one another up and encourage one another through the storms of life . He is not being supportive , he is making you feel shame for what you can not control . That is unkind .
    You need to tel HIM , in a calm respectful way how you feel , and do not back down and cower . You deserve to be treated with respect , esp when you can not " fix "
    yourself .

    I will say a prayer for you this evening . Hopefully he will realize his putdowns are making you feel bad about yourself . A person who has a good heart does not want to belittle his partner . That is the same as kicking a wounded animal .

    God bless you . There are so many others who post here from time to time HURT over careless remarks made by insensitive people who do noyt have compassion in their DNA .

    When I was a little girl my Dad always criticized anyone sick and called them neurotic hypochondriacs . I had severe asthma and I always felt a sense of disapproval ( no comfort ) for being physically weak and
    sick ( lots of infections ) . I suffered silently , except for the loud wheezing .

    As my Dad hit his late thirties , he developed terrible heart disease that sent him to an early grave . There is NO predicting what can happen in the future . He may deeply regret his thoughtlessness someday should his health decline . It happens all of the time .
  10. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    I know what it feels like to not have support & encouragement from your husband. Lately mine has been asking if I am feeling better, but I know it is because he wants me to go back to work. I think the added stress that he puts on me delays my progress in getting over this flare. So much for "in sickness and health".

    Sorry for venting.

    You are right...you obviously needed this sleep or you wouldn't have slept this long. I also feel ashamed for sleeping so much, and my house is anything but clean right now. Big Hugs, Tam
  11. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I am sorry your husband upset you. It was not wrong for you take care of yourself, you did the right thing to listen to your body and rest.

    Your illness is real, not imagined.

    Not sure if you would be interested but I found the following support groups in your state. Perhaps one is near where you live. It might be good for you to go and meet others facing your same challenges.

    If none of these groups are near you, maybe they could guide you to a group in your city.

    CFIDS, FMS Resources
    North Carolina Support Group Directory

    Sue Leonard - President
    Wake County's FM/CFIDS Support Group of NC
    PO Box 98913
    Raleigh, NC 27624
    (919) 266-2931 or (919) 266-4296

    We have a small support group. We meet the first Monday of the month at Rex
    Hospital in the Cancer Center Auditorium in Raleigh, N.C. from 7:00 - 9:00
    PM. Rex is located on Lake Boone Trail and the corner of Blue Ridge Road.
    Use the Lake Boone Trail entrance. Come into the main entrance of the
    Hospital and ask for directions at the main desk. We do not meet in July or
    December months.

    CFIDS Leaders and Support Groups

    Ms Karen Raupach
    The Nan Chafin CFIDS Support Group
    1208 Coldstream Ct
    Raleigh, NC 27615
    (910) 849-7019

    Ms Joanna Smaltz
    Raleigh Wake Forest CFIDS Support Group
    2513 Chalks Rd
    Rolesville, NC 27571
    (910) 556-3468

    Mr. Charles B. Fain
    1512 Seabrook Ave
    Cary, NC 27511-5753
    (919) 460-1628

    Ms Brenda Puryear
    6605 Vardon Ct
    Fuquay Varina, NC 27526
    (919) 552-1367

    National Fibromyalia Partnership - The Carolinas Field Office
    Ms. Jane Rankin
    403 Greenwood Circle
    Cary, NC 27511
    (888) 771-8787
    Home Ph: (919) 319-9142
    Fax: (919) 319-9143

    Monica Bagby
    Rt 3, Box 5
    Illahee Rd
    Brevard, NC 28712
    (704) 883-2378

    Dee Jacobson
    Gentle Hugs Fibromyalgia Support Group
    723 Rockford Rd
    Dobson, NC 27017
    (336) 374 - 4611

    Dottie West Autry
    Sampson County CFIDS/FMS Support Group
    480 Browns Church Road
    Clinton, NC 28328

    Ruth McCollum
    Rockingham County CFIDS/FMS Support Group
    272 Estes Farm Trail
    Eden, NC 27288
    (910) 635-0590

    Karen Estes
    5142 NC Hwy 700
    Eden, NC 27288
    (910) 635-0590

    Ms. Jane Birken
    Durham/Chapel Hill Fibromyalgia/CFIDS Support Group
    402 Hamlin Park
    Chapel Hill, NC 27517
    Phone: 919-942-6302

    The CFIDS Association of America
    PO Box 220398
    Charlotte, NC 28222
    For information, please send an SASE to above address
    CFIDS Association

    Charlotte Area CFIDS/FM Support Group
    Ms. Kebbie Cannon
    6237 Pleasant Grove Rd
    Waxhaw, NC 28173
    (704) 843-1193

    Charlotte Area CFIDS/FMS Support Group
    Nancy M. Henson
    (704) 563-0657

    Charlotte Area CFIDS/FM Support Group

    Meets 2nd Thursday of each month at 7PM, Classroom 2, 2nd Floor,
    Presbyterian Hospital Matthews.

    Ms. Cary Collins
    2919 Saintfield Place
    Charlotte, NC 28270

    Diagnosed with FM in 1996. Works as a therapist providing supportive therapy for those with chronic illness issues (patients and famiy).

    Peggy Mullinax
    3272 Lakeshore Rd S
    Denver, NC 28037
    (704) 483-3977

    Peggy Mullinax
    3272 Lakeshore Rd S
    Denver, NC 28037
    (704) 483-3977

    Ms Becky Sleight
    Western NC CFIDS Support Group
    317 King St #75
    E Flat Rock, NC 28726
    (704) 692-7727

    Mr. Steven K. Hennings
    PO Box 8419
    Greensboro, NC 27419
    (910) 299-0989

    Joy Page
    Greensboro CFS/FMS Support Group
    3701 Vandalia Dr
    Winston-Salem, NC 27104

    Margaret Holt
    Greensboro CFS/FMS Support Group
    808 Lakecrest Ave
    Chatham Woods, Apt 702
    High Point, NC 27265

    Mary Pretlow
    Jamestown CFS/FMS/MCS Support Group
    (910) 883-8937
    Jamestown group meets on the 1st Wednesday of each month at 10:00 am in scout hut behind Jamestown United Methodist Church. Meetings are focused on sharing and prayer.

    Archdale CFS/FMS Support Group
    Sarah Turner
    (910) 434-1139
    Archdale group meets on 4th Tuesdays of the month at Trinity Methodist Church

    Grovina Johnson
    (910) 495-5607

    Guilford County CFIDS Support Group Leaders and Contacts

    Fran Stafford
    Greensboro CFS/FMS Support Group
    5101 Bennington Dr.
    Greensboro, NC 27410

    Mr. Robert Milan
    CFIDS Counseling Group
    200 E. Bessemer Ave.
    Greensboro, NC 27401

    Ms. Mary B. Elliott
    425 Lexington Ave
    Thomasville, NC 27360-3717
    (919) 475-8060

    Ms. Michelle Walser
    11 Dearr Dr
    Lexington, NC 27292
    (704) 246-6968

    Ms. Harriet J. Zimmerman
    206 W 3rd Ave
    Lexington, NC 27292
    (704) 249-0274

    Mrs. Joyce Armstrong
    CFS/FM Support Group
    805 Little Dr
    Fayetteville, NC 28314
    (919) 867-3330

    Mr. Bill Tate
    902 Meadowood Drive NE
    Lenoir, NC 28645
    (704) 758-7065

    Curtis Fowler
    406 Airport Rd
    Kannapolis, NC 28081
    (704) 857-2094

    Ms. Elizabeth G. Williams
    405 Windswept Drive, Apt 602
    Asheville, NC 28801-4216
    (910) 343-1676

    Monica Bagby
    41 Hillcrest Road #B
    Asheville, NC 28804-1212
    (828) 645-0276

    Brian Jaudon
    PO Box 1215
    Black Mountain, NC 28711-1215
    (828) 664-0022
    email: bejaudon@mindspring.com

    Ms. Elizabeth Gwinnett
    Burlington CFIDS Support Group
    1916 Delaine Dr
    Burlington, NC 27215
    (910) 227-9820

  12. kriket

    kriket New Member

    I am sorry that your husband does not understand. If only they could live with it in their bodies for about 2 days. He would never say another ugly thing to you. I have weird sleep patterns too. When you have to lay down and sleep, you have to lay down and sleep. That's all there is to it. Sometimes we don't sleep at all and sometimes we sleep for 10 plus hours. Tell him that you will gladly stay up when you don't feel like it, and see if he can live with you. Bet he can't. Hope that you are feeling better. I am sure that you are in a flare from husband's words. Maybe he will apologize when he figures out how bad he upset you. BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

  13. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    sleep for three days without getting out of bed except to bathe, eat something and go back to bed. I get no rift from my husband or 19 year old son. My husband I own our business, so when I am out it makes it hard on him, but I have had a talk with him about me being out of the office when I am in extreme pain and fatigue. I work 50 hours at the office per week, so he better not ever yell at me about being out of the office a total of 6 days a year.

  14. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I have to say that as a counselor for many years I have concluded that about 85% of males have a genetic deficiency that makes them complete and utter selfish jerks.

    Sorry he was so clalous. Ignore him as much as you can. I am a believer in stearing clear of beauty shops as the chems. in them can trigger the sort of reaction you had. Do they do nails there? This is a biggie for chem sensitivities.

    Love Anne C
  15. ANNXYZ

    ANNXYZ New Member

    Why do you think the males have this issue so often ?
    I have to say that I often agree with your statement .

    I do not understand it .
  16. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    no matter what they are sick with. They were just imbred to behave this way. I have worked on my husband's attitude about this issue and he is a lot better and knows not to critize me when I am in a flare. I think he would rather have me resting and being able to come back to work in several days, than to tick me off with an attitude and then have to deal with my attitude towards him for weeks.

  17. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    I'm so sorry that your husband seems to be insensitive to your needs right now. He obviously does not understand the magnitude of your illness, and how sick you feel after a day like that. But, then again, it's really not possible for someone without the disease to truly understand what it's like. I think sometimes our loved ones need to vent and let their frustration out, however, it's not fair that he aimed it directly at you. He should be mad at your disease, not at you.

    Please don't be embarassed for doing what your body needs you to do. I used to feel embarassed about sleeping so long and about not being able to wake up with my son in the morning. But, I've come to accept that I need the rest, and if I sleep for 12 to 14 hours at a time, then that's okay. I have to listen to my body's cues, otherwise I'll just get worse and worse until I crash. And then, I'm forced to rest whether I like it or not.

    I know how you feel with the fevers and achiness when you've overdone it like that. The other day I took my son to the park and visited a friend in the hospital. That's all I did all day, and by the time the evening came around I had all the flu-like symptoms that go along with CFS. I knew it had been too much and that I needed to rest, so I did. My husband, I'm sure, gets frustrated, but he tries to be sympathetic of the fact that I cannot control this disease.

    If you are not ready to get a job yet, don't stress about it. If you can financially afford to not work, then don't rush into looking for work. Even working part-time can take a major toll on you. I work 16 hours a week (2 days a week), and even that wipes me out for a couple of days.

    Well, sorry this is so long. I hope this helps a bit. You need to take care of yourself first. Your hubby may be embarassed about you sleeping so much, but that's something he has to deal with. You are doing what you need to do to function.

    Gentle healing hugs,
  18. halo52208

    halo52208 New Member

    Koodles to you for trying to get out, at least you tried.

    If your husband ever gets the flu, make sure you let him know, that is how you feel everyday.

    If you ever want to know how you would feel at work. Try doing extra work around the house. At least that way your in a safe place to crash.

    It is easy to forget the pain. I thought I could wean off my cymbalta since my other meds were working better. But I found out that the cymbalta was helping me. I forgot how bad the pain could be. Now I am just trying to get back to where I was.

    Please always remember we are here for that ranting and raving. We would all be in a psych ward if we couldn't rant and rave here.

    Love, Halo
  19. Personally I find no one can really understand what we go through with this dd. Most days I can't even understand it.
  20. browneyelady48

    browneyelady48 New Member

    I am sorry you had to go through this. I guess I am so blessed in the husband I have. He never complains.

    The way I feel is we wouldnt be sleeping so much if our body didnt need it. We would wake up all refreshed if we was ok. But we are not ok. And its our body's way of telling us we need the rest.

    Have a Blessed Day

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