i am so mad and sad at myself

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by 69mach1, Feb 11, 2006.

  1. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    if you have been following my drama of my life w/ex-hubby...you know i had become intimate almost two years ago...but i am so mad at myself for allowing myself to get hurt again...

    anyways now i am depressed even more so than i have been for a while...i feel like an idiot for doing this..but then we had a talk about our love for one another and his mistakes and my health issues....

    last sunday we had a talk again, i guess i must have been in denial about the 25 yr. girl he moved in w/ back in march 2001...but when i met her when she was 21 she was well gay and i had met her gf..tonya...

    i do blame him for his actions and her as well...more so him but she had met me a few times before they started there thing...

    i guess i have been but 2 and 2 togehter during the past...and know valentines is coming up..which is b rining back some bad memories...such as him telling me on that valenitnes 2001 as he was driving me to a dinner date...how this 25 now has a boyfriend and of course i remarked that i though she was gay...he said i guess she had a bf that beat her up and she left him so that is why she turned to women...along he was talking about himself...being the new bf...

    i found a itty bitty 32aa bra in the bed of the p/u truck and saw it but i guess my first insticnt was that maybe someone threw it in there from doing their laundry and dropped....i forgot about then a few days later hubby and i were walking out to the truck and he saw it there and he said someone must be trying to get him in trouble.....it must have been her...

    i thought i had forgiven him but maybe i have not i am angry at times and just plain old crying...this is no life for me and my son...it is saturday night and i am at home...thinking what am i goign to be doing when my son graduates from school in a couple of years....

    well i feel like calling him up and yelling at him then i think why should i let him think that i care...i guess i am p.o'd that when i asked for the truth he was not willing to admit it...

    after last sunday i figured things out for sure...i know we have a teenage son together but i feel badly for our son...his dad dropped him off last sunday and hasn't even called to see how he is...not new i guess...i don't understand how these men can do that they take them when they want to....then his father calls his friend, andy, who actually cheated with the ex-s girlfriend...i don't understand how they could even still be friends not to mention they are working together w/o business license contracting under the table security to bars in san jose, ca...

    well i just was venting and was hoping i may feel alittle better about my situation i put myself back back in march of 2004...

    iknow the ex claims he is seeing a therapist now, and the therapist said he is like a rich man w/no money...very selfish and treats bums off the street better than his own famuily...i guess there is a part of me that still wishes for my family together...and i just wonder how i will ge through life...when our son graduates high school and hopefully college, marriage and grand babies...ex says he doesn't know what he wants and wants to be friends for now three weeks ago...then he said he wants to be friends last sunday...

    he said he wants to still g and do things with me and maybe sometime we can go on a cruise togehter and who knows maybe we will find someone for eachother....

    what does he think we are going to share a cabin togehter?

    well just venting and need to express myself...thank you for reading...

    jodie
  2. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    THE FLAWS ARE NOT IN YOU BUT HIM....

    I do not like the ways he takes advantage of his relationships and his work selection.

    He is cheating himself in the long run, but it would be difficult to convince him of this and it is really deep seated and a part of what makes him. You can not change it.
    He makes his life for himself and in doing so breaks the rules he should respect.

    Yor attraction is because you had a past with him, a son by him. We all think of the good things of a relationship, that was or is. We avoid the negative. We make ourselfs feel that we need this person...but we do not.

    You would feel so much better if you made a clean break.....not him make it, because he will not make a clear and dry break. He likes playing with your feelings as it makes him feel good about himself, to still have you and yet playing with others also.

    You will really struggle at first and have times of weakness for him, but fight it. In time you will see him differently and yourself also. You will feel free and I bet your illness will feel better, tension makes it worse!

    There is men out there that can care for a woman with this illness. He is not the only one out there. Just be careful about selections on men and stubborn about the type you date or see. You can find someone ever so much better for you. Just do not be in any hurry to find one. Learn more about yourself. Spend time with that great son and enjoy yourself.

    Some day you will look back and wonder How In The World, did I think he was so great (?) and laugh about it! Your son deserves this also. Make your life better for you and your son will profit also.

    I wish you all life's joys and a wonderful recovery from him.

    You are special and deserve so much better and so does your son.......THE FLAWS ARE NOT IN YOU BUT HIM....
    LOVE AND MANY HUGS................Gentle ones
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i have been talking to a friend of that lives downstairs, ilive in an apt...she knows the situation...she said jodie i know you love him , but do you want him to come back to you and do this all over again and keep playing with you..just what you said...

    i guess i always think people can change, but you know what sue, i should have asked him that in the first place almost two years ago...what makes you think you changed?

    thank you for your support and forwardness i love that, i don't need anyone to sugar coat it for me...

    thank you for all of the hugs i will get stronger,,

    jodie
  4. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    No matter what ..it will not and is not easy......

    But You making the break will give you the freedom.......tell him that there is no talking anymore. Do not let him play with your emotions.

    This is experience speaking here......it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life......and also the best thing I did for myself in my life.

    Many HUGS....to you and your son.....Love to both of you.
  5. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i have been still speaking to him...really i called him saturday afternoon..told him i was calling for business, well i have himm bringing his w-2's over so i can do his taxes...i am not doing this for him but me...reason you say...

    well i have not changed or modified the child support since the first order back in 2002...he was making at the time like 22.oo p/hr..now he is making on his day job pipefitting union 40.00p/hr...he is finishing up his apprenticeship end of may then he will be a journeyman..he is getting paid at the rate of 35% of what a jouneyman makes...and well i am now getting ssdi..so it is over due..plus he works in bars some on the table and much is tips and cash under the table...so we will s..

    plus he owes me over 19k, child support arearages so if i can have him claim our son as an exemption then the irs intercepts the refund to go to his child support to me...

    so i have my motives...but i do think i may have to take a break of talking to him and decide how permanent i want to take it...only reason i say this because he does come up for
    cody's football and track...

    then one thing i do not want to discuss is my personal relationship w/any dates, which are none at the time...i don't even know if i want another man in my life again at this point...and i do not really want to hear about who or what he is dating...but i also don't want to hear it from our son at this point...i do need some space for now from the ex...


    thank you again for reading and replying i appreciate it so much...thank you


    jodie
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    yes he is now in therapy, he said he is finally taking some of my advice..so right now the psychologist sia he should not be in any relationship no sex...that is his story...

    everyone or alot of people say oh he will be back but do you want him...no i do not want him like him being like he has in te past...i can not take the emotional drainage from him...

    so i need to focus on me get real estate license again...

    and move forward...then get ready to realy retire someday...


    thank you for you support...

    jodie
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    he did fall for the taxes...again...yu see if anything got paid or done in the home it was cause i did..for the most part...he will not deny that...

    but if he doesn't fall for it then fine my attorney will go for it!...i have about two and a half more years of child support to come...rent is expensive here and i do not live in a lavish place...1245 a month rent two bedroom two bath...

    well thank ;you for your support...


    jodie