I don't know what to do. I don't "fit in" with inlaws.....

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ouch4017, Mar 5, 2008.

  1. Ouch4017

    Ouch4017 New Member

    My problem is my in-laws. They do not believe FM can be "that bad" or if it's even real. I don't exactly know what they think, but I do know that they just can't find it in their hearts to understand, or for that matter what to understand.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I was diagnosed with FM almost 2 years ago, although I believe I've had it much longer than that. I was diagnosed and ill prior to my marriage of 1 1/2 years. I am now unable to work and going thru the disability appeal process.

    At this point I don't want to be around them or have anything to do with them anymore. They have hurt me so bad and said such mean and cruel things about me directly to my parents, myself AND my husband. I was brought up in a very different type of family and I am having a very hard time dealing with this.

    I cannot talk to my husband about my real feelings because he puts his family before me. He thiks that I'm trying to come between him and his family and has actually said this to me.

    I just don't know how to handle this anymore. There is not one day that goes by that this does not bother me or that I don't think about it. I just don't seem fit in with this family. What the heck am I supposed to do????
  2. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Wow your in a tough situation! I Had a mother in law like the family members your describing,,,,,,,it was horrible!,,,,I just got tierd of her "Stuff"!,,,,and told her off one day! well i'm not saying that's what you should do!,,,,,,,

    I would sit down with DH and have a really good talk with him!,,,,after all he married you for better or worse ,,,,,,,,,

    He should respect you and stand up for you with his family!,,,,,if he doesn't then maybe a counceler,,(SP),,,,,could help!,,,,,,,,,,,But Yeah Stick up for yourself!,,,,,,Maybe they don't want their son to have any attention outside of the family,,,,,,,,,,,Sad!,,,,,

    Goodluck and i'm sure there are others here who will give you advice!,,,,,,,Like you Photo!,,,,,,,,,,,,,Sis
    [This Message was Edited on 03/06/2008]
  3. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    First, let me extend my sympathies to you for being in such a difficult place. All of us here know just how bad it feels when anyone, from doctors to friends to family members doubt our illness. That's why I often refer to fibro as 'the loneliest disease.' Believe me, we feel your pain.

    As I see it, your immediate problem is not with your husband's family; it's with him. His family is HIS to deal with, not you and any professional worth his salt will tell you that. That being said, what you need to do is sit down with your husband, in a quiet moment, and speak to him intellectually and unemotionally about your condition. I say this because most men totally shut down when you get emotional, or worse, actually raise your voice!! You must tell him, intellectually (I can't emphasize that enough!) and if necessary, have a private phone consultation with your PCP or rheumy. Tell the doctor that you need to come in with your husband and the doctor needs to clearly explain to your hubby the extent of your fibro. Also ask the doctor to convey to your husband how important it is that YOUR HUSBAND convey to HIS family how serious fibromyalgia can be and any limitations you may have. If your in-law's hear it clearly and concisely from their son, chances are they will see things differently.

    Once I took my hubby to the rheumatologist with me for a consultation after my fibro diagnosis, he saw things very differently. Now, the only time hubby gets upset with me is when he thinks I'm not doing enough to make myself feel better!! It's been a huge relief to have him in my corner and I pray this happens for you too.

    Try this approach. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It may take more than one try, but in the end will be so worth it.

    [This Message was Edited on 03/05/2008]
  4. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    First of all, your husband should ALWAYS put you first and be at your side through thick and thin. Isn't that the vows of marriage???

    I am sorry you are going through this. When I was first married it was the worst first years of my life with the inlaws or actually i should say Motherin law. She was horrible to me and the other daughter in laws. I went through years of mental abuse with no help from my husband.

    I finally had enough and talked to my husband about it and stopped going to family functions where she would be at. He finally agreed with me and must have talked to his mother because things are 100% better now and actually my husband hardly ever talks to her anymore.

    I don't know what to tell you but to just do what you are doing by not inviting them over, going to functions where they are at, etc..... Maybe they will get the hint and your husband will finally miss you enough to finally take your side and be the husband he should be.

    I will keep you in my prayers.

    Take care and gentle hugs, Mickey

    P.S. By the way, great fish you caught. I love fishing too.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/05/2008]
  5. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    What a great idea, typing a letter to him for him to read. I will have to remember that. Thanks
  6. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member


    Hello, sorry you are having to face this situation. I too had this problem only in my case i suffer clinical depression. Its also an invisible disease which doesnt show any outward signs but the sufferer goes thru hell because youre too tired to move, too exhausted to do chores, feelings of despair and hopelessness dont allow any enthusiasm for anything and its worse than dying sometimes.

    My inlaws ofcourse never heard of depression and they were just mean on top of it. Jealous of any affection my husband might show me. I guess they wanted an active dil who they could use as a workhorse and when i didnt turn out to be one, they felt cheated. Poor things. Hence the incessant carpings and put downs, and insults.

    I stood it for nine years then my husband moved me out into a house of our own. It was like heaven after having lived with inlaws. Husband didnt understand in the beginning, but i bought books, put them where he would see them, and they started discussing depression on tv a lot and how people who didnt get any help even committed suicide. He learnt gradually and is now supportive. He may not understand the extent of my suffering, i dont expect him or anyone else to because people who dont go thru CFS or depression wil never totally understand...but he does know im not fibbing.

    I have as little to do with my inlaws as poss. Am studiously polite as poss whenever a meeting is unavoidable, family function or something. I dont say anything against them to my husband because like your husband he too gets offended.

    I hope your situation improves; please try and get your husband on your side because he is the one ultimately who has to live with you and vice versa, not his parents. JUst move forward and concentrate on making yuor own nest as loving and good as possible. Dont let yuor inlaws gibberings get to you - it is so frustrating and infuriating - try and get it out of your system by doing some exercise, going for a walk , writing it all down and flushing it down the toilet, telling a friend/or here on this baord or something...dont let it fester inside and harm your health because it does. Bottled resentment and rage really begin affecting one physically if there is no outlet.

    God Bless
  7. Doober

    Doober New Member

    I tend to always take my wife's side.

    I remember a long time ago while dating there were the usual things that parents may say if for some reason they don't like your choice.

    I basically told them that who I choose to date or marry is not their decision. They are either to accept it or keep their mouths quiet.

    My family knows that I will have no problem with speaking my mind.

    I think all the ideas here are great for getting your husband to understand what you are going through. But, he is the one that needs to speak to your in-laws and let them know that you are more than worthy of their respect and acceptance.

  8. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    How terrible for you !! I really don't have alot to add but did want to say hi and we all support you. There have been a few very good ideas here. Some people who are not good with sitting down with their husband and confronting then about their parents (not an easy thing to do), I love that idea of printing out a note and give it to him at an appropriate and quiet time for him.

    I can't imagine having to go through something like this, especially having FM, etc when you feel badly enough. It is bad enough even when you don't have to deal with constant pain, etc.

    None of this is your fault dear. Your husband is the one that needs to talk to his parents very seriously. Yes, and if this mother continues it is her loss. He needs to make it plain that if they do not stop the mean attacks against you that they will lose him also. These sound like toxic people to me !! (and not very healthy for you to be around).

    Please keep us updated sweetie.

    Blessings and hugs.Granni
    [This Message was Edited on 03/06/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 03/06/2008]
  9. Ouch4017

    Ouch4017 New Member

    I've read all your posts and thank you all tons for the ideas and solutions. I'm scared...

    I also suffer from anxiety, clinical depression, panick attacks, FM, and I have PSTD. My entire situation is extremely difficult all in itself.

    I should not be afraid to talk to my husband. But, when it comes to his family, he gets defensive and I just don't want to argue. I'm thinking I'm goinog to make him a card ( I have card making kits) to tell him how much I love him. Then I'll include a letter telling him what's bothering me in a tactful way, trying not to place any blame.

    The stress from this situation alone makes me hurt worse. It's amazing how one's body reacts to sitations such as this.

    Thanks a bunch.
  10. Ouch4017

    Ouch4017 New Member

    Well, after reading all of your posts, let me start by saying thank you. I did take your advice and typed a letter to my husband (writing hurts too bad). I explained to him how hurt I am because of his family. So, we discussed my concerns and I felt better about getting all of my pain off of my chest. UNTIL.... his mother came up that following weekend. He actually told his MOTHER about my letter to him and how hurt I am etc., Then, his Mother decides to talk to me about it. She was in the process of inserting her foot in her mouth ( as she usually does) and my husband told her to shut up before she says too much. I was in disbelief that my husband shared this with her. I poured my heart out to him and he summed up my entire letter in a two minute discussion with his Mother. I put my heart into that letter and trusted my husband to figure out a solution between the two of us. Look where that got me. My trust was betrayed. I'm having a real hard time recovering from this. I find it difficult to trust due to my mental health conditions and my past. Unfortunately there are very few people I confide in. Now I feel I cannot confide in my husband. How can I continue a marriage and relationship with him? His brother and mother come before me. I also feel like my husband purposely tries to get me "wondering". He has several "secret" email addresses, guards his phone like a doberman and is continually talking to his brother or mother on the phone. I swear he is on his phone out in the garage for about 2 hours per night! It's unreal. What to do???
  11. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Just an idea but can you go to DR.Phils website for relationship advice? it's just Dr. Phil .com,,,,,,Maybe you can find some stratagies that will help you out here!

    I hope so! It sounds like a miserable situation! I know that Dr. Phil would tell your Husband that You come first in his life!,,,,,,,,,,,And that he should treat you like a precious human being!,,,,,,Goodluck Dear!,,,,,,,Sis
  12. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    You have a problem that goes beyond fibromyalgia.

    Please seek out some type of relationship/family counseling as soon as possible. The dynamics in your family seem to be askew and their will be no understanding your condition until the relationships, and hubby's idea of his role and responsiblility to you are addressed and clarified for him by a psychiatric professional.

    Please keep us posted as we are all concerned for YOU.

    [This Message was Edited on 04/01/2008]
  13. victoria

    victoria New Member

    marriage counseling could be a great help here...

    You know, he could see what he did as being on your side since he did tell his mother to shut up, and think he was doing the right thing by telling/explaining to his mother some of the things you had expressed? A lot of guys don't understand the need to keep what is, to us, our innermost feelings private. I've also heard guys complaining that women discuss everything they've said with their girlfirends or mother too.

    Just a thought, from what you said, that there could be a huge misunderstanding on his part and that he maybe thought he was actually doing 'the right thing'.

    But of course this is even more reason to to get into counseling so you can talk in a neutral and mediated situation; that way both of you can maybe 'hear' each other better. the part of his needing more 'privacy' (ie, being secretive) doesn't sound right tho... also needs to be talked about. If he won't go, you should go for your own sake to sort things out.

    Hope you can work things out for the best, one way or the other...
    all the best,

    [This Message was Edited on 04/01/2008]
  14. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I think marriage counseling is the only thing that is going to save this relationship. There needs to be someone besides you telling your hubby to stop this hurtful, childish nonsense.

    I'd get that cell phone bill and find out who he is talking to for hours on end out in that garage. The longer you put up with this, the harder it is going to be to stop.

    What would I do??? I'd change every darn rule in the game. When he gets on that phone, I'd get in the car and disappear. Do not tell him where you are going or when you are coming back. Go to a movie, go get your hair done, go to a friend's house. You are waaay too dependable and predictable. You need to rattle his cage.

    I'd probably also tell him that if he doesn't have the ba**s to act like a real man, then why did he ask you to marry him. I'd probably hand him a scissors. When he asks what they are for, I'd tell him to cut the umbilical cord and start acting like a husband.

    You two need counseling. The relationship that he has with his Mother is more like a teenager would have.

    I'd probably also kick his fanny to the sofa for awhile too.

    If he starts this garbage about you making him to choose between you and his family, I'd tell him that he has already made it quite clear what his decision is---and that it has nothing to do with you. He is trying to guilt-trip you into putting up with this childish, hurtful, betrayal of confidence. You need counseling or I don't see this relationship lasting. This is not a healthy relationship for you. You don't want to be in this same predicament 5 years from now. Change the rules of this game and go for counseling. If he refuses, you have 2 choices:
    Put up with this garbage
    Move on and out of that house.

    And stop justifying. They are just using your words against you.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/01/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/02/2008]
  15. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I've been thinking more about your situation while walking my dog. You need to find out what he is talking about out in that garage. I want you to seriously consider getting a battery operated , voice-activated tape recorder. I also want you to purchase an extended length tape. I think they are good for a couple hours. They are more expensive than the other tapes, but you are indicating that he talks for a couple hours out there.

    You need to find out what he is saying. he obviously doesn't want you to know or he wouldn't be doing these childish tactics.

    You need to know where you stand, and I'm suggesting that you take action to get FACTS. No assumptions, you need facts. I'd also get ahold of that cell phone bill and see where all of these phone calls are coming from.

    You don't know what is truth or lies. You don't know if your hubby is telling you one thing, and telling his family something entirely different. Is he talking to an old X girlfriend out there that his Mother wanted him to marry instead of you???? You need to find out these facts.

    Buy the tape recorder and set it up where he doesn't see it. Find out what he is talking about. This is to protect yourself because he can't be trusted.
  16. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member


    Dont panic...you have enough on your plate without getting hysterical over something that might not even be really serious. Do you think he's talking to someone he met online or something? People do that sometimes. But it doesnt mean theyre on the verge of running off and eloping. In my earlier days Ive chatted exclusively to a male online friend discussing depression and past traumatic experiences amng other things and Ive resented it when husband comes around because it seemed private. Not that husband wanted to really really see what it was we were talking about, just general curiosity. But still I didnt like it. Yuo do need to find out whats going on, but dont panic just yet.

    I was pretty wild with my husband once couple of years back when he started paying attention to a young staffer in his office, he used to bring her back make up from his trips abroad and i once found a photograph of hers in his office briefcase and let all hell break loose. I shouted at him. He told me he was helping make her citizenship papers (hence the photo). But it was very ugly between us for a month. I even went to the office and warned her. I was soooooooo angry.

    Long and short of it was - she got married a few months later and has a son now. I wasnt really worried because she was the empty headed type who fed my husband sob stories about how hard she had to work at home and how bad finances were and how sick her dad was (she is a distant relative of my husband). Maybe she just fed my husbands ego by making him feel like Tarzan or something. Yuck. But yes, when i was in the middle of all that ruckus it did feel as if my world was crashing down around me. And i can understand how you feel now. This may not apply to everyone but I am really glad I didnt pack my bags and leave for something that wasnt even really serious.

    Your husband told yuor mom about yuor letter. Men arent that sensitive to what women want and how they should go about things. He was prob at a loss to explain them your problems and quoting your letter was the easiest thing to do. How does he treat you over all? How long have you been married. What kind of husband has he been so far overall? He did tel yuor mum to 'shut up' in front of you. Rather than letting her talk too much nonsense and hurt you further.

    You MUST ask him out right about these secret email ads and the long phone conversations. If anything is brewing it could be enough to stop it in its tracks. Tel him you've been observing him and that you dont need anything further complicating your life. YOur health and other issues are enough to deal with at the moment. Do yu have any children?

    I know it all seems like a nightmare at the moment. But crisis turn up in all marriages, or at least 99% of them and most of them turn out al right. Other wise everyone would be divorced. Dont think youre alone. Be strong. You 'll get thru this. In stressful times its easy to let yuorself go. Pleae look after your diet and yuor own needs. If your physicaly healthy, its that much easier to deal with other things.

    Prayig for you

    God Bless

  17. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    You don't have to get hysterical, you get smart.

    You don't act on assumptions, you get facts.

    THEN you approach him. If he denies facts that you have evidence and not assumptions---I'd give him 2 options: marriage counseling or the highway.

    He isn't going to respect you until your body language and behavior indicate that you deserve respect and respect yourself. My MIL tried to break up my marriage after my FIL died. I know how hard it can be when the "other woman" you are competing with is HIS MOTHER!

    I'd also go to the library and check out the book,
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Ask him to read it.
  18. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    The best advice I can give you is don't try and handle it. Just let them think what they are going to anyway, and stop worrying about their opinion. Just do the best you are able to.

    Here is a good mantra:

    I don't really like these people
    I would never trust their judgement
    These people say awful things about me and to me
    But I would never trust their judgement
    Instead I will only listen to the people who know me well
    And are kind, and caring

    Also, what is happening is this. You will get on your husband's case about his family and then he will defend them, even if he may agree with you. Then the family have won, they have created a rift between the two of you.

    Don't let that happen. Try to totally ignore what they say. Don't complain to your DH about them-what can he do anyway, pin them to the ground and make them stop?! Just spend your time together NOT having his family dominate your thoughts, conversations etc.

    This is why they are doing it-they are jealous he married you, and they are doing it on purpose, so ignore them, be polite, be as cordial as you are able but never discuss anything personal with them again, they will always use it against you.

    Just stick to Nice Day, type of conversations and THEY will be the ones not knowing what to say or do!!!

    This will always work in your own interests-I was a counselor for over 20 years and this always works to enhance your life. Stop trying to make them nice people, just put that wasted energy into your well being instead.

    Love Annie
  19. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I know it seems like it will never end, but I am married 33 years and my husband felt it was his place to keep his mother happy, though she had a husband.

    She would sit at home, didn't want to learn to drive, so in the beginning I had to give up every weekend to go to her house, sit in the kitchen with her, while my husband slept on the chair in the living room. Weekends wasted.

    Eventually, I stopped that, then she decided she would go to church with us every Sunday, when our kids were older and we started to attend. She would then stay at the house and just sit there and I felt we had to entertain her then.

    Eventually I stopped that, too. Then, I was the bad guy, but I didn't care anymore.

    So, when she bacame ill and in a nursing home, I visited once in awhile, but I never felt any affection towards her. She would tell people I was cold, but I grew up with "duty" kisses and I won't do them.

    What helped me was the ACOA programs, group, one on one, and Al-anon. I was treated for PTSD, too.

    I took my power back and nobody was taking it away from me ever again.

    I suffered anxiety attacks, panic disorder, until I got sick with CFS and got into treatment for the emotional pain.

    I don't consider myself a survivor, I am an overcomer through the grace of God.

    But, it is temporary. An older woman had told me that years ago and I am now at the same place in time to tell you that, too.

    God bless.
  20. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Dear Ouch4017,

    I wrote to you before and this post came back to the top and had to read it all with the updates again.
    I truly thought as I was reading your story after you had written that card and given it to your husband,and then he told his other to shut up. I thought, that it sounded to me as if he was taking your side. It sounded like a good sign to me but of course I do not really know what else really transpired after that.

    Your husband didn't know not to keep it all under wraps unless you told him not to. Well,that might just have been his way of sticking up for you. As someone else said many men aren't that sensitive and don't understand that you wanted to keep that quiet unless you said something.

    Also, I have no clue of what else is going on with him, you and his parents after this situation. There have been lots of good ideas. I do not know what to say about his secretiveness, etc. That is a good idea about that taping if you do suspect something but it could be very innocent also. I guess you will never know unless you take that chance to see what he is talking about.

    I just feel so terrible for you. Just try and be strong and try not to let this all get to you. Have there been any more incidents and has your husband shown in any way , since your card and letter, that he understands you and the situation with hisparents any differently?

    Please know also that we are thinking and praying for you.

    Keep us updated and I hope that you find the strength to get through this. I am sure you can !! Have faith !! My dear, I am sure that you arestronger than you think you are or may be. I know that my DD#3 went through hell with her x and her children and no job and left him and is doing pretty good now with a pretty good job, living with two children with problems and the eldest with the xh.

    He was very mentally abusive and never gave her or the kids much of anything. It is such a long story. She also during and after the divorce went for therapy which she agrees kept her sanity and helped her to keep strong. He also blamed her for everything !!!

    Hoping that things will work out for you and that things will work out with your husband. However, if not you have alot more strength to get through whatever life has to give you.!!!

    Sweetie, know that we all care for you. Sorry for this BOOK but kjust know that you are alot stronger than you think you are right now.

    Blessings and hugs,