I don't know what to do ?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Jun 9, 2006.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    My Mom called me last night and asked me to take her to the ER for the cleeuitis that she has and has been on antibiotics for 2 days. It was getting sore again and hotter to the touch. So after calling the doctor she asked me to take her to the ER as she thought that if they put in a IV she would have to stay there untill it was all better.

    The only real problem was that her BP was high and it was high the other day when she went to the doctor as it always is. It was 138/92 and Mom is 78 years old .In the past 5 years she has been in the hosptial alot . The first time was for blood clots in her lungs and she almost did not make it through that one. And then she had a rectal bleed this past Jan and spent 5 days in the ICU for treatment for this . They never found the reason for the bleed except that she is on blood thinnners and some times they can do strange things. I think that she was mixed up on how much she was to take as you take a whole pill one day and half pills other days.

    Well as we got to the ER Mom did not want a IV started as she has minuamil viens and it is painful to find the little things. So she said that she would have the shot of Rochephen. AFter the nurse came in and explained that to have that shot she needed some muscle on her rear end and she {MOM Does not have a butt it is flat} And that this drug is not a fun one to have. So they talked her in to a IV and then had to expain that she could go home with a port left in so she could keep getting treatments for this celluitis.

    It turned out that the nurse was really good and got it the first try. AFter being given her rocehpehn she was bandaged up so that the IV would not hurt her or come loose and cause problems. And we left and came home.

    All my Mom wanted was to talk to my sister who will not speak to my mom for some thing that my Pain in the rear end BIL said.

    HE is the kind of guy who gives the wrods IN- Laws a BAD name. And he does. He a *(&^%(*)(*)&*%&%$^%$^# and a pain in the @#$#$%#!#@$ so you understand how I feel about him. Mom has called my sister and she gets no answer from her. Mom is to rest and not get stressed or upset as it is better for her with the condititions she has. I have no way of getting through to my sister that Mom needs her to be there and support her but not to create a scene and not take the problem and twist it around and make it about my sister.

    I see how upset my mom is about htis and there is nothing I can do but be there as I always am and always will be there for and with her. I would do any thing to make sure that Mom gets better as soon as possiable and that she has the best treatment that she can. But my sister is to obcessed with the man she married that she has given up on her life. She does not leave her home, she thinks that she was abbandoned as a child and it goes on and on. This man is bad for her and their kids but as they are co-dependant it will not change any time soon.

    Please don't get me wrong I Love my sister and there was a time when I liked my BIL but alochol and drugs have changed that ,as he is the one who is getting drunk and taking drugs. He got angry and some thing happened and about 2 months ago he called my mom and told her that she said that she did not ever want to see or speak to him again but she never said that he did. HE is the one who does not want to have anything to do with her or the rest of my family.

    But all this tension is hurting my mom and I am at my wits end as how do I help her? Waht is there that I can do?

    It breaks my heart that my BIL will not let the grandkids see my mom or call her on the phone. So mom worries that they are not ok. Things at my sisters home are not so great and there is nothing that I can do about it or change it.

    All I want is for my mom to feel better and to have her family around her when she needs them to be.. I am always there for her and I always will be. But that is not enough for her she needs my brother and my sister and the grandkids to be there to support her and to show that they love her.

    Being at the hospital last night was so very painful for me, AS sitting in the chairs in the ER rooms are not comfrotable. And that I what I had to do was sit. I was going to leave mom for a minute to take a pain pill.

    Mom asked that I not leave her alone there so I buszzed the nurse and she brought in some water for me. I staid with my mom the whole 3 hours we were there, I talked with her about my grandson and the things he does and about his temper and how funny he looks when he gets mad.

    And when he cusses at you. HE is only 14 months old and does not talk but the tone of his voice and the anger you can hear in it you know that you have been told off. And the words are really nasty swear words.

    I talked about all the kids and grandkids to keep her mind off the ache in her arm and the heat that was comming off of it. We talked about life and the things that she had wanted to do with her life.
    And how our lives changed some 30+ years ago when my dad passed away.

    And before you knew it she was done having the antibitoics and they were putting on a dressing to let her go home . And she was still expecting to have to stay in the hospital. But they told her that she was not that she did not need the 24 hour a day help. She was sick but able to go home and to come back and have another dose of the medication. This morning she went in by her self and it was chagned to some thing else.

    When I talked to her today she still is missing my sister thinking that if she can get her to answer the phone and tell her that she is sick and has been to the ER that my sister will snap out of what ever is going on and come and talk to mom and let the grandkids see her again.

    I feel so bad and I am hurting from the stress of this situation. As my sister will not speak to me either. WE have had problems as she used to take my pain pills and the girls pain meds after they had surgery, She always said she didn't take anything from me or my girls but they saw her take pain meds from one daughter after she had her tonsils out.

    I had to lock up my pain meds many years ago because I would get them filled when I had a headache and it was back in the day when you had to be near death to bet pain pillsss as they all are adictive.

    And my doctors all thought that I was a drug seeker as I would getsome T3's and with in a couple of weeks they were gone and I was still having pain. So I was the one with the problem and she was the one that created it.

    After I found out that my xanax was half gone the day after I had it filled I started to lock up my pills no matter what they were antibiocs too.

    I want to have my sister back in my life . I want to have someone that belives that the pain I have is real and when she is up and about she does belive me. and support me. I miss her and my neices.

    This is not the life I had planned when I was growning up. But then this post is not about me. I am worried about my mom. She is feeling that she must have done something really wrong to my sister to have her treat her this way. And I hate to see my mom upset when she has not done anything wrong.

    MOMMA is 78 years old and is not as well as I wish she was.
    She has polymyligia ruhemictica {sp} and osteoaritis in her back and hips, she has had blood clots in her lungs and is on blood thinners, and is on pregnnnsoe all the time and it is not the best thing to be taking all the time. Mom has always been there for me when i was in pain and needed to go to the hospital or the doctors for a shot of pain meds.

    And I am doing the best I can to support her when she needs me to be there for her. She knows that just sitting in a chair at the ER was very painful for me. She was worring about me hurting because she had asked me to take her to the ER. I told her that it didn't matter that I was hurting I had my meds and I would be fine as she needed me there .And I was going to be there no matter how much I hurt.

    I have done it before and I will do it agian.
    I am at my wits end as what to do about my sister and how do I help my mom feel better and not get all upset about the grandkids that she can't see. What do I do? HOw can I help her? Am I doing someting right for her? PLease tell me that I am.
    Sorry for the long vent but I really needed to talk to someone. who would understand me and how my pain effect me and my abliltiy to help my mom.

    Thanks so much,
    Rosemarie
  2. mrsjethro

    mrsjethro New Member

    This may sound awfully simplistic, but you could sit and pray aloud with your mother. There are a lot of people that feel much comfort from prayer and the power of the prayer itself can also help the other situation with the family in the long run. Your sister and BIL will probably not change until something happens and they most likely will hit bottom before they ever realize that a change is needed. I speak from personal family experience on this one. If they see no need to change, then they are so completely wrapped up in what they are doing and do not so much as consider the effects it has on other family members. Please do understand that it sounds like you are doing absolutely everything that you possibly can for your mom at this time. I think it is just a woman thing to wonder what we did wrong to cause it when something goes wrong. She could have lived the life of a saint and it would not likely have changed the choices the other family members have made. Being there and talking with your mother seems to bring her much comfort, just take care of yourself in the process because you will be no good to her if you over do things and compromise your own health. Until your other family members hit bottom and wake up, it is not likely that there will be a change there. There are so many things that are not within our power to change, but a good heart felt prayer can do much good. Bless you for being the kind of daughter that you are and for being with and taking care of her. You are giving her far more comfort than you are giving yourself credit for.

    God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot chance, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time accepting hardship as a pathway to peace taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as we would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if we surrender to His will; so that we may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

    Thought maybe you might enjoy the entire serenity prayer. Take care of you too and I will also pray that your family and their relationships are able to heal soon.
  3. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    You are a wonderful daughter, it comes through in your letter that you are selfless when it comes to your mom.

    It is so hard when someone we love is hurting and we feel we can do nothing to alleviate it.

    Is there anyway you can talk to your bil and appeal to any goodness he has? Not to criticize him, but to appeal to his merciful side? Can you write your sister a note that she might read even though she is not taking any calls?

    I would be as matter a fact as possilble and stay away from going over the past history with your bil. Nothing is to be gained from that, obviously. Just state that your mother wishes to resume a relationship with her grand daughters and does she see any possible way to make that happen?

    Remind your mom when you are keeping her company of the happy times you and your sister had with her. I hope in her heart she knows she has done nothing wrong.

    Bless you through this...your friend,

    Jana
  4. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I try to live a good life and not to be judgemental of people. As I am far from perfect. But as far as my /BIL is concerned he has NO shred of goodness in his hard heart. This man had done some of the most cruel things to his daughters , has hurt them and it was not just being angry , but being drunk, on pain meds and mad and then he takes out his anger on my neice. I can't go in to the rest of it as I want my neice's to be safe and out of harms way.

    Then he plays the pity me card. Oh I had a hard life and such. WEll so have I. My family has struggled with many issues as I lost my father over 30 years ago. Now my sister thinks that she was ignored , by the family. The thing is that up untill she saw a " Counsler" she was fine with life as a child and she remembered some good times but after this " counsler "talked her into believeing that she was abandoned" she changed . Stopped living.

    She is not the same person she was 10 years ago. She is totally dependant on this BIL and will do what ever he tells her to do. Maybe she is doing it to save herself from being hurt I don't know but I do know that the kids are being hurt and need someone that would really love and appereicate them for the beautiful children they are.

    I have been told that I changed , I stopped living my life after I was dx with fibro, I stopped going out to movies as it hurts to sit in a theater and the sound is so LOUD that it is painful for me. I can't walk through the mall with my daughters as it hurts me too much. And of course the worst thing I take narccotic pain pills and I am addicted to them. This is what I get told by my family .

    It is so hard to watch someone that you love just stop living because they don't want to do anything, I would love to go back to work but when you have been told by 3 doctors that you can't not work at all because of the damage I did to my left wrist that I shattered and the CMP , Fibro, degeritive disc disease, spinal stenosis, and a few other chronic pain issuse's.

    I know that there are things in our life that when they happen it changes you and you can't find your way out . I have been there and it is not a fun place to be living in. I want the best for my sister and her kids and that would be to lose the BIL and that would help her so much and be better for the kids. But it is not my place to tell her this as she has not got to the place where it is ROCK BOTTOM and until she does she will keep on doing the same things .

    I didn't want to be like this and be dependant on pain meds to do my dishes or wash clothes, but I am .IF I want to be able to function I must take my pain meds or I cant do anything that I would like to do.

    There is so much life that I want to live and to be happy with . I am so happy to have my grandkids and to beable to play with them and love them. I am glad that although my mom is not well I am happy to be the one that cares for her and will stay with her while she is in the hospital when she just needs to know that someone who loves her is there. I can't do the medical stuff but I can love her and keep her company when she is ill. AFter all that she has done for me this is the least I can to for her.
    I know that I should not be so angry at a person but this one deserves it .

    Rosemarie
  5. ellie5320

    ellie5320 New Member

    I has a similar problem with a relationship my daughter was in all i can say is do not give up on her my daughter ex used to use the speaker phone so we couln't talk i couldn't see me grandkids it was really bad if possible go around and see her just don't let him win he is probably controling her but keep persevering she needs to know to know your mum is ill as she may just need this to stand up to him I remember my daughter said it was easier to give in to his control but eventually she just left when he was at work with a lot of help from us she had nothing except family. I wish you luck and hope all works uot for you this stress is something you do not need
    Linda