I don't want to move...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Jan 2, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    But my husband will have no part of it. He got a great job opportunity about 1 1/2 to 2 hours north of us that would require relocation. We drove up there one Sunday to look at stuff and spent not even an hour basically doing a "drive-by" of the town that is the only place we would consider living. It is a very well-known, nice, beautiful place with great schools for our 4 y.o. daughter. This should be a good thing.

    But I am falling apart and wanting to move less and less as each day goes by. Our house still isn't even close to putting on the market, but at the same time, as we are finally "finishing" it, it looks so nice and I am so, so sad to leave it. I really try not to get attached to material things, but we completely renovated this, my first house, and did most of it ourselves; plus, it's our daughter's only home, and basically everything is custom to exactly how we want it. The area we are moving to is quite expensive, and while we plan to build something even better, looking into renting something for the 2+ years 'til we can buy land and build a place is not going well. Rent prices are insane, and the places I've seen either are just filthy and disgusting and/or won't even hold our stuff (we don't have a large house by any means). We found one place we liked and were all set to sign a lease when the owners abruptly changed their minds and decided to sell the property.

    Bottom line, I CANNOT handle the stress of this, and I can't take "time off" or get a break as we are under severe time pressure (husband starts up there the beginning of Feb.). I was sick with the flu/bronchitis a few weeks ago and lost a lot of weight. I look awful, I am so sickly skinny, and while I do have "good" days, like yesterday, when I got stuff done, today I have felt awful, sluggish, and exhausted (I have CFS, so I know this is typical). I also am breaking out in little bumps all over my body (torso and back especially), as well as my face, and my skin is hyper-sensitive...all I know from stress. But hubby will NOT back off on anything and we're fighting bitterly about all of this. He refuses to believe anything about CFS and just tells me to get over it. Things are not good, but I can't even leave him because I am too sick to work and have no means of supporting myself. I don't qualify for disability, I have no family to rely on, and our 4 y.o. would be so screwed up if we weren't together. Believe me, I have thought about this intensely for quite awhile. So I really am stuck, at least for now.

    Is there any way I can get through this, or somehow get more options/get my husband to see I just can't handle all of it right now? My health is so obviously failing (I weigh 92 lbs.), but he still keeps pushing, and pushing, and pushing. I just don't know what to do.

    Thanks to anyone who will listen, and sorry I keep posting. I just really have NO ONE to talk to and this is so hard and getting worse each day!
  2. victoria

    victoria New Member

    So sorry to hear what you're having to go thru... maybe there are some teenagers in the neighborhood you could hire to help sort and pack things? Are you going to be able to hire movers who will pack your things for you when it comes time to move?

    If not, do you maybe belong to a church or some other such group who might be able to come to your aid?

    AND are you seeing a doctor? You sound like you need to have a good checkup... this could also be helpful in getting your husband to realize that you really are not well enough to handle this all on your own right now. Make sure your husband comes with so that your doctor can tell him you really are too sick!

    I feel badly for you that you have to move, I know the feeling of just having everything finally settled and then things turn upside down. Has happened to me before, but before I got really sick thankfully.

    We have also now been trying to sell our house after being here almost 19 years, and I need to go through a lot of stuff to get rid of, as we are planning a long-distance move, but don't have much energy myself right now; but at least we aren't under the gun, yet, thankfully. Except to try to declutter things, however.

    I don't really have any answers, just lots of sympathy; hopefully somebody will come along with more/better concrete suggestions...

    Hoping for all the best for you,

    [This Message was Edited on 01/02/2006]
  3. Sue50

    Sue50 New Member

    that you are going through such a stressfull time. What does your Dr. say about your health? Maybe if you could tell your husband what your Dr. says you can and cannot do it might help him realize you are ill and can't function well enough to do everything he needs you to do involving the move. You definately need some help,you can only do so much. Maybe you could get some professional help to get through this trauma? A good counselor has always been my way of getting through the tuff times. I still need to say to myself through out the day "Just one day at a time"
    think about today and what you need to do and try not to stress about what tomorrow will bring.
    Have you seen a Dr. about your skin problem, it might be a good idea to get some advice about that.
    Take care and keep us posted.
  4. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    For your helpful advice! Yes, I have been seeing an excellent naturopathic physician regularly for well over a year...he's helped me make a LOT of progress, as well as hugely helped with our daughter, who was dx'd 1 1/2 years ago with "mild to moderate autism" and now has no signs of it whatsoever. His office was closed for the holiday today, but I plan to call tomorrow to ask about the skin rash/"itchy bumps". I did restart a gentle detox protocol he had wanted me to do (had to stop it when I got sick), so I am sure that is "stirring up" some stuff, which the stress is aggravating. I'm trying to drink more water to flush whatever it is out of my system. But my body tends to do "dumps" when detoxing, where it basically releases a lot of toxins all at once which cause flare-ups. I got the worst migraines when I first started...at least I haven't had one of those for awhile (knock on wood).

    As for helping with my daughter, no, there are no teenagers and really very few kids in our neighborhood. She was at my in-laws' this past weekend so we could get stuff done, although we had to pick her up early today because we had a big winter storm roll through (I'm on the west coast). That was a fun drive...in the little over an hour ride home, one road by my in-laws was closed (accident or fallen tree...not sure), we saw maybe 3 or 4 cars spun out on the other side of the freeway, and then we saw two separate rollover accidents within 10 mins. of each other. Meanwhile, my husband kept ignoring my pleas to slow down, as it was raining hard and there was a lot of water on the road. Where we live, it doesn't rain very much, so when it does the roads get quite slick, as evidenced by all the wrecks. Meanwhile, our daughter kept throwing fits in the back, kicking my seat, and just really acting up, so I was fit to be tied by the time we got home...at 10 am. That is pretty much how my life goes.

    Luckily, my daughter goes back to school tomorrow, where she currently is from 9 to 5 four days a week. I am having her stay later 'til her last day, which is in 2 weeks (when her daddy leaves his current job). Fortunately, she loves school and really enjoys staying late, which gives me the time I need to get stuff done and rest. I very much need my space.

    I'm also going to try to hit the gym for a very light workout tomorrow morning. I haven't been in months, but it is very effective at burning off stress, and nothing else seems to work. But still, I don't know how I will handle all of this! Fortunately, we have a great relo package so we can have the movers pack and unpack our stuff. I normally am so the DIY type of person, but there is NO way I could handle packing up everything alone right now. Again, on paper it all sounds great, but I am getting such huuuuge "gut feel" misgivings about the whole thing, much stronger than I should, and I can't shake them. I normally am not like this, but I am having such a hard time of all of it. I am hoping it's just the CFS stuff and I really am not losing it!

  5. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    There is no way my husband would go to my doctor's appt. with me. I have been lucky in the once or twice I BEGGED him to pick up medicine for me on his way home from work (he passes very close to the office, which is a 20 minute drive up the freeway for me). And my doctor doesn't really want to get in the middle of our squabbles. As for a therapist, we tried to find one when our daughter was little and severely colicky (it was so stressful), and we couldn't find anyone we liked. Honestly, by the time I'd find someone we'd be gone, and I just have never gotten any relief from counseling when I've tried it in the past. But thanks for the suggestions...I'll see what my doctor says when I talk to him tomorrow. Hope he calls me back...I'm sure he'll be swamped as the office has been closed for the holidays.

  6. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Sorry I type so much. I am trying to have a good outlook on this and not get overwhelmed. This is a tall order as our house is such a mess right now. But I do a little each day, and if a day goes by where I do nothing, that's okay. The house will list when it lists, and worst case, my husband can go up there without me. The only bad thing with that is we had to give 30 days notice for our daughter withdrawing from school, and the director has been so nasty to me since then I doubt she would extend my daughter's stay. I've been quite open in expressing my concerns and unhappiness over some regressions in our daughter and issues with a new teacher, which the director hasn't taken well. Honestly, it will be good for our daughter to get to her new school as soon as possible.

    I guess it will work out...it always does. I have already talked to our realtor (who happens to be a good friend's husband) about the possibility of not listing the house 'til we move and leaving it vacant. But now there's a chance we won't find a rental this month, so we could have to cram into a corp. apt. in the meantime (hubby gets a few mo. rental allowance). It would be small, but in many ways it would be better to just leave our stuff here and go, so at least I wouldn't have to do the 3+ hour round trip to go look at rental properties. But where we are moving has a lot of seasonal activity where prices jump and availability goes down the closer we get to summer. So this really is the best time to be looking. It's just really, really hard, esp. as I am doing so much of this alone. But that's how it's been for so long...I am used to it, but my body is not tolerating it anymore.

  7. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    I am sorry to hear that you are having to go through all this on your own. Moving is a huge deal even when all the circumstances are right... but to do it with a disease like FM or CFS and to also have a child with some health issues as well, is a very difficult situation indeed.

    Do you have family that can help? It sounds like you have a pretty strong willed husband who just doesn't seem to want to listen to the realities that his wife is presenting to him. Sounds to me like you really need to take stock of your own strengths and stand up to him. He is not just moving himself, but his wife and child too... which by the way should be his first priority!

    No one can do this for you... you must find your own strength to confront the issues that you know in your heart are wrong! I don't mean to just argue with him... but sit him down and discuss the realities of what this move is gonna mean for your health and that of your daughters.

    What is the point of a "glorious new job" if everyone is miserable! What kind of a man is he where he puts his wants, wishes, desires, ahead of the welfare of his family! I don't blame you for having some serious "gut feelings" about this move!! I think you two better get some open, honest communication going between the two of you. This sounds pretty one sided to me and he needs to consider the toll this move is going to have on you all.

    I hope you find the inner strength Cinca to deal with these difficult issues. I know that when you are not feeling well it is hard to take a stand or hold the line... but you deserve to be treated like an equal in the marriage. Marriage is a team effort... not a one-man-show!

    Be strong Sweetie and speak up for what is right! The more you stay silent or back down in fear, well the more he will keep doing this to you. Having to appease a person all the time is not exactly a healthy relationship. Get some help... get some support for yourself.

    I will pray for you! Blessings... CarolK
  8. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    I'm sorry you are having to do so much. You need a vacation, away from all this stuff just you and your daughter and a nanny and a cook and a sleep # bed.

    Please keep venting!
    Take care Dee50

  9. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Thank you so very much for "listening" and offering help, advice and support. Yes, believe me, I DO stand up to my husband...I am EXTREMELY strong-willed (like my kiddo) and quite up-front with my feelings. But he sees all this as just one of my "mood swings" and my negativity at play, as well as my natural aversion to change at this point (all of these things are true) and thinks I will like it when I get there. Maybe, and it's true there are a lot of things I am not happy with where we live (we've had huge growth in our town and things are getting very crowded, etc.). It's just so much to do, and it is very hard to not feel overwhelmed.

    Thanks again!
  10. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    Cinca... I wish you and your family the very best on your move. I live in California too... the Silicon Valley. The growth here is just phenominal... so as a result we are probably going to move out of state..Washington. I am a fourth generation San Josean! My roots go very deep into this area... some of my great-grandparents help found the city! So leaving for me is going to be quite an event.

    Like you, I am not looking forward to the actual move because of the FM and the CFS. Just don't know how I am going to do it either.. and I am 60. But with the help of family and friends... and a whole lot of God's grace.. well it will get done.

    Blessings to you Cinca and have a wonderful life! CarolK
  11. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Good luck on your move, too! Wow...that's a big change, but I used to do a lot of work in the Bay area (hubby, too), and Silicon Valley sure has seen its changes in the past decade! I am in the southern part of the state, BTW, but even our little beach town has nearly doubled its population in the 8 years we've been here, thanks in part to a lot of inland "master-planned communities" springing up. Many changes. That is the one nice thing about where we are going...the whole town's population (which is very spread out) is, I think, less than the one prevalent "master-planned community" most of my mommy friends live in. It's just hard, because as shallow as it sounds, I love my little house, esp. as it is so "mine" since we completely redid it. I think if we were moving straight into a new custom home, I'd have that same sense of ownership, but the rental thing, while short-term, is just going to be hard strictly in terms of logistics (i.e. fitting our stuff...a lot of places aren't even 1000 sq. ft.). I am hoping it will work out...I had good phone calls today with both the agent who is selling our house (my friend) as well as the one we're using to find a lease.

    Thanks much.

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