I feel guilty

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by UnicornK, May 1, 2006.

  1. UnicornK

    UnicornK New Member

    How do you react when someone, who has kids, makes you feel guilty for being tired all the time, when you don't have kids. My children are grown and gone. It's just me, hubby, and 3 cats. I have CFS/FM and for some reason, I feel guilty when people talk about all the time they spend with their kids, and I have all the time in the world and can't do anything.

    I know I shouldn't feel this way, and no one is actually saying anything, but I still feel this underlying guilt. Like, if I have all this time, why don't I do more? More what, I don't know.

    I don't know if I'm making any sense...fibrofog. I just needed to get this off my chest. I thank you all for listening.

    Like I said, no one is actually saying anything. It's ME thinking this. It's all in my head...negative self-talk.

    Thanks again.

    God Bless.
  2. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    I think we feel guilty because culture today tells you that you CAN do everything and you CAN DO IT ALL.

    This is absolute B.S. - there is no such thing. An unattainable standard is held up to us and we feel like failures when we can't meet the ideal.

    No one will EVER meet that ideal. It's got built in failure written all over it.

    All you can do is make the best of what you have - regardless of your degree of disability.

    Hugs,
    Madame Curie
  3. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Oh, dearheart, you really are shoulding on yourself, aren't you? Been there, done that - a lot - and I finally figured out that most of us are doing the best we know how as long as we haven't given up. It's us we must convince before we can convince anyone else, if we care to.

    I'll try to make a long story short. On an NPR radio program I heard an interview with a parapalegic psychologist who is the author of the new book, Letters to Sam in which he wrote to his nephew who has autism. He said (approximately)this about his parapalegia:

    "Most of us spend all our time and energy trying to be what we believe others want us to be. I consider myself blessed because, now, all I can be is myself." I was so touched by that and thought how that really applies to those of us with CFS/FM.

    I hope this helps you as it did me. "Ourself" is really the best we have to give the world, after all.

    Hugs and understanding,
    Marta
  4. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    My daughter is pregnant, has a 5 yr old.And runs a daycare!!LOL
    Makes me tired just writing it!!!!

    And my coworkers are going on 60 and 65,( not saying their old!!) But I was younger than they were and they were working circles around me!!!!!!!

    I know I am sick! BUT LOL. I feel so useless,guilty,and lazy!!

    And it scares the dickens out of me!!:>(

    You All Take Care!!
    Jordane
  5. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I know just what you mean.My dishes piled in the sink ,cloths needing washed and things needing picked up.I use to love to keep a clean house .guilty I think sometimes I blame myself for feeling so tired and worn out.My husband has been really good to me and does do things when I need him to. that even causes more guilt because he works long hours at another job.He never complanes that I dont do stuff but I complane .I do things in my head a hundred times a day maybe thats what wears me out.I really do miss being able to just keep up with things,sounds dumb but I miss the days I'd wake up with a list of things to get done.I miss the early mornings I'd go out and garden a few hours before breakfast.I miss the thrill of running the vacume and picking up the papers after breakfast.I really miss the feelings of "job well done "at the end of the day.Call it guilt or exustion I miss being me and I guess I mourn the death of my energy.I'm 53 and feel like I live in an 95 year body.I feel guilty if I complane and guilty about things I know I will need done tomorrow and I will not be able to do them.The only thing I do really good now adays is feel guilty.I think that guilt is one of the contributing factors of this DD
  6. jole

    jole Member

    Guilt is a monster that takes over our lives if we let it, and some days we do. Unicork, I certainly hope it's normal to feel the way you do, because if not, I'm in trouble too! I can only say you are a wonderful person, and we have a right to our feelings, as long as we don't dwell on them for too long -

    Carebelle - Oh, I could have written your post myself (not nearly as well, though). That is EXACTLY how I feel. I would like to say we're fortunate to have ever had the days to have been productive, but just can't feel that way. I too would like to go back to them, and after 4 years I still can't seem to "accept" the fact that it probably will never happen again.

    BUT we are still valuable in our own ways - whatever they are. Just that today is not one of those days for me.

    Friends - Jole
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    We don't have the energy to waste on it. Seek some therapy to help you deal with these feelings. Free yourself from guilt's grip.

    Love, Mikie
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    that is the key...positive thinking...you've beent here done that...just rembmber how much energy it takes raise those children and be thankful those days are gone....enjoy the memories...


    like mikie said counseling and set the guilt free

    j
  9. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    unicornk:
    Maybe you are right! They may be giving off 'vibes' that you are picking just in their tone and choice of words.
    I usually trust my instinct if is something like that.
    Usually I start being assertive with those people and start asking them questions about other things they might not be doing. Just play a hunch is what I guess I am saying.

    hugs,
    nyrofan
  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I didn't do anything wrong.

    Some days I feel really depressed and sometimes angry, but mostly I feel unlucky.

    I do the best I can. Nobody can do more than that.
  11. UnicornK

    UnicornK New Member

    I know that I have done nothing wrong. I guess alot of the guilty feelings come when my wonderful hubby is doing "my" work after he's worked hard all day at the office.

    He does "his" work here...mowing the lawn, cleaning the cat box, etc...then he does "my" work...dishes, laundry, vaccuuming. I get to feeling guilty because I'm just "lying around". He never says anything. Well, maybe something like, "Don't wear yourself out. You'll hurt more tomorrow." or (when I'm actually doing something) "Don't overdo it!" And he means it!

    I know I'm very lucky to have him. He is so supportive.

    I guess guilt is more like...I wish I could have my life back...envy?

    Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone with this feeling. We Will Overcome This DD!!!!!!!!!

    God Bless you all.