I feel like getting a divorce

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by opticaltech, Sep 29, 2006.

  1. opticaltech

    opticaltech New Member

    This DD makes me so sad for my husband...We used to do alot of things together and Now I feel like Im holding him back because I cant do things anymore....I dont think it is fair to him...he will be 49 soon and I cant see him missing out on life because of me........L.
  2. msbad66

    msbad66 New Member

    opticaltech if you love your husband, you ask him what he thinks. He can do stuff without you and still love you just as much as always. Don't decide his life for him, talk to him and find out how he really feels about how your life together is changes since your dx.

    free advice from someone who has been there.

    msbad
  3. jole

    jole Member

    That's one of the hardest things about this DD - It not only affects us but the entire family. I'm not sure how bad your symptoms are, but if it's to where you just can't go out and do anything, maybe you could let him have a night out occasionally by himself.

    Sometimes we have to trust them enough to let them have a life too. My husband is older, but he does go and do a few things while I stay home (not bars, etc.). He goes to meetings adn will sometimes get together with friends so he doesn't feel so alienated. I just can't go anymore and you're right, it's not fair to him.

    I do trust him, and he is good to me. Even my children (all married but one) worry about me, and I don't want that. They have their lives and I want them all to be happy. Just because I can't go and do doesn't mean that they shouldn't live life to the fullest possible.

    You are a good person to worry about him, but I'm sure if given the choice he would rather be with you, problems and all! We didn't, after all, ask for this life either.

    Friends - Jole
  4. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    I often feel badly about the fact that my husband, a terrific man, is missing out on so much because of my illness. But, you know what, what if things were reversed? I would stand by him, no question. He is more important to me than going out and socializing and traveling and all the other stuff that couples do. I know he feels the same way about me. This is real life. People get sick in real life. Marriage is a partnership, a commmitment. You might want to have a talk with your husband and see how strong your commitment is to one another. If you are only thinking of divorcing him because you are sick, I think that is a mistake.

    What exactly is your husband missing out on? If you got divorced, he would miss out on the opportunity to be with the woman he married and the opportunity to grow in really important ways. Adversity can makes us stronger, better people.

    Lolalee

    P.S. I just read lisapetrison's post to you and I wanted to add that I have done exactly that with my husband. At first, he did not feel comfortable leaving me at home and going out without me. I just kept encouraging him and now he has joined a men's group, a sailing club and goes sailing with his buddies, a men's bible study group at church. When he is at home we talk and support each other emotionally. We watch movies and cuddle. He is living a very full life. As a matter of fact, he does more now than when I was healthy. I think that my being ill has shown him how precious life is and he is expanding his horizons. I had to keep encouraging him to do this, though.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/30/2006]
  5. janieb

    janieb New Member

    It will probably sound strange to you, but I think you're very lucky!

    Our marriage wasn't great from the early years, but it's only gotten worse. We don't fight, we don't do anything.

    He has his own part-time business and I have a great pension and investments. I can't afford to divorce him with community property and he can't afford to live his life style without my income. Isn't that just too sad?

    He just got back from a month of hunting in Colorado that (on the budget plan) cost $5,000. There are lots of things we could do with that money; like spend the winter where it's warm. I loved Arizona and he hated it. There's nothing for him to hunt there.

    This just isn't as bad as it sounds. We're both good people and we take care of family, as best we can. My mother lived with us for over 2 years with alzheimers and he never once complained. I cook, clean and do what I can, even though it's in pain. I believe he loves me as best he can. It's just not in him to do more or be more thoughtful.

    We have tons of family who look out for both of us. A day doesn't pass that I don't get at least 4 phone calls from some of the kids, grandkids, and in-laws etc.

    Life isn't miserable; it's just there. Made an appointment with my doctor to talk about depression.


    Blessings,

    janieb
  6. Slayadragon

    Slayadragon New Member

    I'd be inclined to encourage him, in a very loving way, to do on his own or with other people any of the things that he's not doing because of your illness.

    If you make it clear in a loving way that you really want him to get the most that he can from life despite your circumstances---and then remain loving and accepting and emotionally open when you are togeher---I suspect he'll be a lot happier with his marriage than most men are, and that your relationship will remain strong or become stronger.

    (If he's a good guy, which hopefully he is. It sounds like it, since you're feeling sad for him missing out on things.)

    I think that what most men want from marriage is someone who supports, accepts, appreciates, and loves them. Doing things together is nice, but the emotional stuff is more important.

    For a lot of men, physical stuff within the marriage is extremely important too. I would want to make sure that my husband was okay on that score, and if not, I would prioritize my "spoons" to make sure I left enough energy to make him happy regarding it.

    But things like going on camping trips or traveling or attending basketball games? Sure, it's sad that you can't do them together as much as you would like....for you and for him. But if he feels he's "allowed" (i.e. encouraged) to some of them on his own or with other people, and he feels satisfied with your emotional and physical relationship, I don't think that you will have held him back at all. Rather, you will have given him far, far more than a great deal of wives who are perfectly healthy give their husbands. And again, if he's a decent guy and loves you to begin with, I think that he will be happier than most men are.

    Maybe you should ask him about his feelings about your illness and the changes that have happened in your marriage as a result? If you do this is a caring and accepting (rather than "wanting reassurance") way, hoping only for honesty, perhaps he will open up and share some of his feelings. Regardless of what those feelings are, that would be helpful in terms of making him happier and your marriage stronger too, provided that you respond in an understanding and accepting rather than hurt or angry way. People like to feel like their feelings are being listened to and accepted, once they get used to opening up (and have good experiences when they do so). That sort of conversation might let you know what kinds of small changes might make things better for him, and bring you closer together besides.


    [This Message was Edited on 09/30/2006]
  7. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    You know this is what "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means. If he were sick, what would you do???

    Honey, you cannot help being sick and he will know that.

    Love Anne
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    that you're concerned about your husband. I think the above posters have given some good advice.

    (From a guy.)