I Feel Like Giving Up...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Waiting2Breathe, Mar 16, 2012.

  1. Waiting2Breathe

    Waiting2Breathe New Member

    I'll be 45 in April and I first developed CFS in 1999. Up until 5 years ago, I kept my hopes up that I would be able to finally get out of my house, get off of SSI, and maybe be able to work somewhat.

    Through it all, I tried to keep a positive attitude. Through the crashing fatigue, brain fog, vertigo, anxiety/panic attacks...I dealt with it the best I could.

    In addition to the CFS, other health issues materialized, such as, ringing in the ears and optic neuritis.

    The optic neuritis finally blinded me in my right eye.

    But, for me anyway, the crushing blow came 5 years ago when, at the age of 40, I was told that I needed a pacemaker to correct an electrical malfunction in my heart.

    For 15 months, everyday after that, I cried. Inside, there was only emptiness, almost like a void. I felt nothing but sorrow. It was as if a part of me died before I left the hospital.

    Hard to explain in words.

    Time has passed, and although I don't weep as I used to, I still cannot find the girl I used to be. She simply isn't there anymore.

    Some tears are shed, but, mostly it is a lot of anger. I snap at people that haven't done anything to deserve it. My self-esteem is through the floor.

    I cannot find any worth in myself.

    Before I became ill in '99, I had been caring for and helping my mother, so, I never married or had children.

    I'm all alone.

    I was only approved for SSI, so, I can't live on my own. I can't even afford a month's worth of food for myself.

    75% of the clothes that I have have been given to me by family or the local charities.

    Since I can't exercise, I am overweight. My doctor doesn't understand why I can't lose weight like she wants me too. And, I explain why, but, it goes in one ear and out the other.

    As I type this, I realize that there are many, many others who suffer from this hideous disease that are much worse off than I am.

    I guess what gets me is that I am worthless. I cannot support myself, I can't work or go to school(I tried already), and all I can do is watch the rest of my family that live nearby go about their daily lives.

    They go to work, go to school. My niece and brother-in-law have recently began a martial arts class together.

    It's just getting to be unbearable to watch my days pass as I get older and can only be an observer in life. I missed my niece's graduation from high school because I was in bed.

    I just hate where I have come to. I hate my life. I hate myself. And, I hate that I cannot do anything about it.

    I've tried counseling and couldn't make myself go to the appointments. So, now they won't see me anymore.

    Being around others if very difficult. I sleep through the day and am awake most of the night.

    I'm sorry this has been so long. I just wanted to put in words what it is like for me.

    I have no one that understands what it is like for me. My family tries, but, they don't.

    It's a chore to care for myself and much of the time that goes undone. I don't see the point in caring for something that is broken. And, that's what I am. I'm broken.

    There is a lot more I can say, but, I will stop typing here.

    Thank ya'll very much for reading this and letting me vent.

  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the Board. There is also a depression board although its name
    was recently changed to cognitive and mood.

    I don't have any friends or social life anymore, so I visit the board every day.
    The Chit Chat board is a good place to talk about pets or recipes or books
    or just about anything except religion or politics. Even if you're not up to
    posting frequently, you can read and get to know folks. The porch and the
    lounge threads have no topic; pretty much anything goes as Cole Porter said.

    I got run over by the CFS truck about 30 years ago. The 12 step group
    Emotions Anonymous was a big help for me. Don't know if you are able to
    get to meetings or not. The Book "Feeling Good" by David Burns was also

    Poster Jaminhealth encouraged me to try Vitamin D3 and Grapeseed extract.
    Both were helpful as was the vitamin B12 patch. And various posters have
    encouraged people to investigate the possibility of Lyme disease or low
    thyroid production.

    I have come to the firm conclusion that the most important factor in life
    is luck. Most of us here have way more than our share of DDs. (Darned

    As the baritone sings in "Showboat", I hope some good luck comes your way.

  3. babysnake

    babysnake New Member


    I finally cured from this horrible disease after 12 years.

    I cured through long-term gym and exercising (6 months 2-3 times a week then paused 6 months then did again 2 months), as i detalied in my post in "what worked for me" this march 2012.

    In your condition if you have other problems i think you can still do some fitness bycicle and some low weight arms - shoulders - back - chest exercises with like 2-5Kg weights.

    The curing process is long and results appear in 6 months- 1 year but i think is the only way.

    FM is a neurotransmitter lack in the central nervous system.

    Read my post in "what worked for me"

    I wish you all the best

  4. Allen

    Allen Member

    I have had Fibro for 20 years and most days I feel like giving up. So your feelings are totally normal.
  5. Allen

    Allen Member

    I have had Fibro for 20 years and most days I feel like giving up. So your feelings are totally normal.
  6. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    You're not worthless, but you're telling yourself you are. No one should do that to themself. We really don't have the right to tell ourselves we're worthless. You wouldn't treat a dog or a friend like that. But you are judging yourself extremely harshly because you are sick which of course would make it very difficult if not impossible for you to do anything to try to get well.

    Somehow you need to develop some compassion for yourself, instead of telling yourself you are broken and therefore don't deserve care. You say you cared for your mother - well, would you treat here the way you're treating yourself? Try to imagine you are someone, maybe a small child, but someone you believe is deserving of care, and when you do that you may get a sense of how extremely destructive and cruel it is to tell yourself you're worthless and underserving of care.

    I know these illnesses can be extremely difficult to cope with, particularly since no one who hasn't experienced them can begin to understand what it's like. Which is all the more reason for you to stop beating yourself up.

    I strongly recommend EMDR counseling - it's a therapeutic technique, extremely effective and works much quicker than traditional talk therapy alone. It turned my life around when I felt like I didn't really deserve to live either (traceable to childhood abuse). If you go to emdr.com you can find counselors trained in this technique.

    I had the same problem of not being able to lose weight because I can't exercise, but I found that when I started eating low carb, high protein, moderate fats (good fats), no sugar, no white bread or pasta, etc., and no eating after dinner, the weight started to come off. Very slowly, but steadily. It really worked. I was able to lose 45 pounds this way. So it's not impossible. No french fries of course, I had to be very strict about how I eat, but when you see the weight start to go, it's very encouraging and makes you want to stick with it.

    There are people on this board who are making progress, but it's not easy. But the ones I see making progress are those who do a lot of their own research, they don't rely on just what their doctors say, they're willing to try new things, many things outside the box, etc. We really are on our own with these DD.

    Someone suggested a simple technique for anxiety - slow conscious breathing. So instead of waiting 2 breathe, you can try this - just slow, deep breathing, and pay attention to nothing but your breathing for several minutes. You will feel differently just by doing that. Do it often enough and you might start to make other changes. You can learn how to meditate (it's easy), and you might get motivated to try counseling (with EMDR!) again, and start taking an interest in your life again, and trying to get well.

    Take care -

  7. ILoveGreen

    ILoveGreen New Member

    You are not alone. I am so sorry about your loss of vision and now your need for a pacemaker. That is a lot to go through for anyone, especially at your age. It is hard to be thankful for what we have when we feel so alone and are searching for strength.
    It was very brave of you to post your true feelings.
  8. Waiting2Breathe

    Waiting2Breathe New Member

    All of your responses were so kind and heartfelt that I will address each of you personally.


    I’m sorry to hear that you have been sick for such a long time and I really hope that you can find relief soon.

    You’re right when you say that we have to be our own health advocates. I developed CFS a few weeks after a tough bout with the flu. It just hit me one day and never left. Doctors ran all sorts of blood tests; couldn’t find anything wrong they said.

    I began to research my own symptoms and the closest thing I came across was ‘post-viral fatigue’, so, for a few years I called it that. Then, three years after I became ill, my physician gave me the CFS diagnosis.

    I discovered the value of Siberian Ginseng around that time and, I do believe, it is what kept me from being totally bedfast in the beginning.

    I checked on the Emotions Anonymous for meetings, but, there is none near me. I live in Virginia and the closest one is in Greensboro, NC.

    I’ll check out the book, Feeling Good and I’ll also read Jaminhealth’s posts about the Vitamin D3 and Grapeseed extract.

    Thanks for mentioning the Lyme and low thyroid. I’ve had the Lyme test(negative) and the doc says that my thyroid TSH is within normal ranges.

    Thank you again for writing. Take care.


    I always love to hear about other people who have been sick with CFS/Fibro say they finally got their life back. Although twelve years is a long time, I am so happy for you that you are doing so much better now. Do you have any residual symptoms?

    In the past, I have tried exercise. I would walk for about 15 minutes, then, the muscles in my legs…especially my thighs….. would fatigue, burn, and hurt so much I would press on them until I could get back to my chair. It was very discouraging and I couldn’t get past the 15 minute mark. Sometimes my local Goodwill has exercise bikes for sale for around $5. The next time I see one, I’ll buy it and see if I can do better on the bike than walking. My niece’s husband lifts weights. I’ll check with him on the lighter ones.

    I’ll also read your ‘What worked for me’ post.

    Thank you again for all the helpful suggestions. Take care.


    Thank you so much for your understanding reply. I’m sorry you have been sick for so long with Fibro. I have always been thankful that I didn’t develop the pain of Fibro along with CFS. I’m sorry you have to deal with that everyday and I hope that you will find relief soon.

    Take care of yourself.


    I didn’t use to be like this. I use to see each coming year as an opportunity that maybe I would feel better than I did the year before. In thinking about it, I believe that the heart disease was one blow too many and that was why it was so hard to cope after that.

    For about four months, I struggled with a dark depression after the surgery. The doc started giving me Klonopin 0.5 mg three times daily and I’m still taking it. Thankfully, the worst of the depression lifted. The only discomfort I have is my chest feels like it’s being squeezed by a band through the day and sometimes I’ll have brief periods of being short of breath.

    And, also, it is really hard when I would like to have a little money to maybe buy myself a dress or maybe get my hair done. If the stress could lighten up somewhat that would help a lot. Every month without fail, I worry about how long my money is going to last. It would have been better if the Administrative Law Judge could have awarded me SSDI instead of SSI, but, due to the fact that I worked mostly part-time jobs while helping my mom, my work credits had expired.

    I know you’re right about curbing the negative thoughts. Last fall, it was really bad. I’d have horrible things race through my mind about myself. I knew they weren’t true, but, they hurt so much. It was derogatory thoughts about my health, my weight, my future, etc. Just on and on they would race across my mind.

    Around Christmas time I saw a movie that I can’t remember the name of right now, but, it was based upon a novel titled ‘Safe’. It was about a well-to-do woman who becomes so ill that she cannot live in her own home anymore and goes to a retreat far out in the country where there is no perfumes, smog, manmade fabrics, cleaning supplies, etc.; anything from modern society to cause her symptoms which were horrible.

    When she got there, she met a very nice lady who had the same problem a couple of years earlier and this lady could tell that the woman had developed a ‘hatred’ for herself since falling ill. So, she told her that when she first came to the retreat, she felt the same way and would sit in front of a mirror and tell herself ‘I love you’ over and over again.

    I haven’t tried that, but, I could identify with the main character in her struggles. The more I thought about it, the fainter the negative thoughts became. Maybe this year I can lift myself the rest of the way up and finally get rid of what remain of those feelings.

    I will check out the EMDR counseling website. Thanks for telling me about them, I had not heard of them before.

    Some years in the past I tried to meditate, but, I always stay so sleepy and tired that I usually fall asleep.

    I’ll keep looking for myself. I’ve never been someone to give up totally. I don’t think I would have lasted this long with everything I’ve been through. It might take awhile longer to finally quit beating myself, but, I do feel I’ll get there.

    Thank you for your kind words and take care.


    Hi, and thank you for writing such a supportive reply. I guess what bothers me the most is I can’t see how I am going to support myself. I think…. “If it’s this bad now, and you’re not getting any younger, how bad is going to be 5 or 10 years from now.”

    I still live with my mom. She turned 80 last October. My dad died when I was 17 and I know that she and I will part one day. Although I can do only a little, I worry if I should die before she does..what will she do? Then, I worry about what I will do if she goes first.

    And, I know that I’m allowing worry to steal away the time we do have left together. I have just gotten myself into such a hole that it will take awhile to get out. I’m gonna keep trying, for myself and my mother.

    When you’re feeling low, it is so easy to allow yourself to get swept away by negativity; so easy.

    There are some alternative healing modalities that I would very much like to try…one being the Vitamin C IV drip therapy…but, my VA Premier doesn’t cover treatments like that. Maybe I can do something similar at home with buffered vitamin c, only in smaller doses.

    I would give anything if I could go to Dr. Whitaker’s clinic out west for treatment. He sounds wonderful and has helped so many people.

    I’m gonna drop in on the chit chat board this week.

    Thank you for all the very kind words.

    Believe it or not, but, I use to visit this board a very long time ago when it wasn’t called prohealth. I think it was called chronicfatiguesupport or something like that.

    Take care of yourself, Leah.


    Thank you for your kind words. It is hard to see the good things that are still in my life, but, I am working on it.

    I have always had a dream of becoming an author. If I can only find something to clear away the fog, I might could do that. Or, at least, I could attend online classes.

    But, to have to battle both mental and physical fatigue, is just too much.

    I miss working. I remember the last job that I held the fall before I got the flu the following February. It was a sewing job in a warehouse from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m. Sometimes we would even work on the weekends when the load supported it.

    I loved my friends there. I looked forward to going to work in the evening and through the day mom and I would make plans for when my next payday came in. We might shop a little or I’d get online and show her things that she might like.

    We would always go to a local restaurant and get a piece of pie or cake.

    Lots of short road trips, because she got tired easy.

    I just want to get some of that back while we can still get out and do things together.

    I’ve been so tired this past year, that I can’t even do her hair regularly like I use to.

    And, I just feel like a dog because of how much she depended on me.

    There’s a lot I have to work through.

    Thank you again, Angela and take care of yourself.
  9. ILoveGreen

    ILoveGreen New Member

    Your attitude of grattitude is greatly appreciated. Thank YOU for taking the time to reply. Your mother is lucky to have you with her.
  10. Nanie46

    Nanie46 Moderator


    I'm sorry that you are so sick.

    When reading about your symptoms ..crushing fatigue, brain fog, anxiety/panic attacks, vertigo, etc, I couldn't help but think that you may have several chronic infections.

    Babesia can cause the crushing fatigue, anxiety and vertigo.

    Bartonella can cause anxiety and panic attacks and brain fog.

    Borrelia burgdorferi (Lyme) can cause all of those things also.

    Testing for Lyme and other tick borne infections is often unreliable and can easily produce false negative results.

    Please read the symptom list on pages 9-11 of this paper, and the info about Babesia, Bartonella etc on pages 22-27:


    Please read this important info also:



    [This Message was Edited on 03/19/2012]
  11. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    Somebody DOES understand - I do. No, my dear, you are NOT the same person you were. You're a NEW person! And as long as you have breath in your body you are ALIVE. You have a purpose. Sometimes it's pretty hard to figure out just what that purpose is. But saying you are worthless is like slapping God in the face. Because life is the most precious gift you can possibly imagine.

    Duke Kahanamoku knew that. In 1917, he stood on the beach at Diamond Head with a very big surfboard, watching the waves. He had built the board himself. Nobody had ever heard of "surfing" before. He had nothing to prove, he had already won Olympic medals for swimming. But the sea was calling him in way he could not ignore. So he threw his "big board" in the water and paddled a mile out to sea. Then it came. A 90 FOOT monster of a wave! Duke knew that either he would die or he would ride this wall of water. In a split second he was up. The giant reared up as if to crush him in it's hand, but Duke was determined he would conquer it. People on the shore watched in amazement, certain he would die. But Duke rode it ALL THE WAY to the shore and stepped off his big board on the beach. To this day, nobody has ever paddled out on their own (they have been towed by Wave Runners) and ridden a wave that big.

    I view this DD as that wave. You can let it crush you - that's easy. OR you can choose to ride this wave, like Duke did. Your body may be broken, but that doesn't mean your spirit has to be! Is there something you like to do? Put it to work for you! Are you good at a particular subject? Teach a class! You don't have to be a college professor! I teach teens how to handle money and budget. In return, they talk to me about music, life and tech stuff. I also learned how to play keyboards and FINALLY learned to read music! I absolutely love birds. And I used to be in airline reservations. What could I do? FUNDRAISE! I already knew how to ask for money (I learned THAT quick enough from my kids!). But Alaska's wild birds can't ask for money and don't have health insurance. But they have me! And I have them. Some of the most battered and broken birds came in to the rescue center and are now living wonderful lives as education birds. I taught myself to knit on a loom. I can make (if I do say so, myself) much better hats than the thin little beanies, so I knit hats and scarves. Some I sell, some I give to people who can't afford them so they will keep warm (at 30 below zero, "warm" is GOOD!).

    Real healing comes from caring. Do you have a pet? If you don't want or can't have one, get a plant. Every day, tell yourself, "THIS life NEEDS me to live". Nurture it, care for it, MAKE it grow! And without realizing it, YOU will begin to heal.

    I'm not a saint, a preacher, or an inspirational speaker. I'm 60 years old with FM, diabetes, liver disease, osteoarthritis and my hearing isn't worth squat. My youngest daughter is bi-polar and hasn't spoken to me in months. She lives on Skid Row, with my grandson, whom I am "not allowed" to see. My middle daughter has been unemployed for 3 years and has two small kids. My oldest has PTSD because her biological father kidnapped her and sexually abused her. And my husband is an Ice Road Trucker (I don't know if I will ever see him again when he leaves for work). It COULD send me into a wall of self-pity. Lord knows, I have enough ammunition. BUT, it's up to me whether or not I load the gun! I have a choice! And YOU do too!

    Take the board. Paddle out into your own ocean. And RIDE THAT WAVE!

    Soft hugs,
  12. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    You do have a lot on your plate and being so short of money doesn't help of course.

    I was wondering - it sounds like you have family in the area. If you are caring for your mom, you're saving her and the family thousands of dollars a month, and it would seem only right that your family chip in some money to help with your expenses. I don't know your mom's financial situation, and I know you're not caring for her for money, but the reality is you are providing a very valuable service and you are very strapped financially, so if she has the resources, it does not seem unreasonable that she could chip in as well.

    One more thing occurred to me - I get fed up at times, feeling like I can't take it any more, being sick so much, unable to do anything I really want to do, etc. etc., but when I get angry, it's not at myself - I get angry at the universe or God (which I don't really believe in, go figure), but I don't tell myself I'm worthless. I think I learned this from EMDR therapy. You should check it out. It works much quicker and is much more effective than traditional talk therapy alone. Regular counselors do EMDR, it's another technique they learn.

    You also might check out richvank's methylation protocol - it's helped a lot of people and isn't expensive.

    Good luck and take care -

  13. rachel76

    rachel76 New Member

    Waiting2breath - just want to thank you for writing and venting because it actually helped me. I also get upset over the brain fog, sleeping in daytime, constant pain and life passing. I could relate to everything you said and it helped to read your post.

    I think you must be a wonderful and special person if you spent time caring for your mother before illness. I personally know many people who throw sick parents to the kerb.
    Someone who is good enough to look after a parent like you did should never ever ever feel bad about themselves,even if the physical symptoms and bad luck now are enough to make you feel bad.

    The main reason I'm posting is that one of the posters before suggested exercise to help and I just wanted to disagree. I know the poster meant well and I am glad they got better on it but I personally have always crashed and been made worse by exercise, no matter how I did it. I hope you also get better but just want you to be careful.

    One pain killing cream that helped me is "Zostrix" - active ingrediant capsacin. I don't know how much it costs in the US but a generic can't be too expensive. I prefer capsaicin alone as a pain killer instead of menthol or menthol mix topical painkillers. Capsaicin has been proven to lower substance P which is a pain chemical that is abnormal in People with fibro.

    I hope things get better for you.
  14. Waiting2Breathe

    Waiting2Breathe New Member

    Hi everyone. I hope ya'll are doing good.

    I'm gonna begin this reply with how my doctor appointment went at the beginning of this week.

    My current doc wants me to try the low-carb diet. Not the Atkins one..it's the one from Europe(I can't think of the name).

    I told her that I had tried low-carb a few years ago, and maybe because I have IBS, after two weeks my abdomen was in intense pain. I returned to regular eating, but, the pain persisted for almost 12 days. I do not want to go through that again.

    But, she won't budge on the diet, so, I just quit talking about that subject.

    At the beginning of the year I found out about a vegan program in a nearby town called C.H.I.P. that got my interest.

    It is a worldwide program with thousands of members who have had very good results with weight loss, cholesterol problems, heart disease, etc.

    Okay, I reminded my doc that we talked about trying that approach at my last appointment. She remembered, but, noticed that I haven't lost weight yet.

    My last appointment was one month ago.

    I told her that it requires a lot of cooking. The recipes are easy to prepare, but, I still have to do so on a regular basis which is a problem for me.

    She asked me "Did your mother never teach you how to cook?"

    I could not believe what I was hearing. Honestly?

    I told her..."Yes. She taught me how to cook, and I did so before CFS. I cannot do that now."

    With that one sentence right there, it showed me I need to look for another doctor.

    I have never heard such an idiotic question in my life to someone that has health problems.

    And, to top that off, I had ran out of my Klonopin on Sunday. My appointment was late in the day on Monday. She forgot to call in the refill at the pharmacy, so, I had to wait until Tuesday for my medicine.

    I'd like to quit taking it. My dose isn't that large. That is really the only reason I have a general practicioner doctor. If I wasn't on the Klonopin, I would cross off one doc on my list.


    You're very welcome about the individual replys. If my brain fog isn't too bad, I will always try to respond to each of you individual, because, that is what you did for me. :)

    It is wonderful, and very uplifting, to be able to not worry ourselves so much with money. I believe if my mother and I could reduce our debt, then, it would make the month between checks a lot less tense. You know?

    If we don't have to take on anymore debt this year, our car loan will be paid off at the end of summer. So, I'm crossing my fingers.

    I have tried very hard to look on the bright side of things. My illness could be a lot worse than it is...I've told this to myself numerous times.

    There was one 6-month period several years ago, during which I would wake up and not be able to breathe. It seemed like that little 'flap' in the back of my throat was stuck down or something.

    Once, we had had a heavy snowfall the evening before. I went to lay down and was yanked awake not able to take a breath.

    My bed is near the outside door. Whenever it occured, I would hurry outside because I thought I might actually die and I didn't want that to happen inside the home where my mom lives.

    I rushed outside on the back porch and pulled and pulled to begin getting some air in my lungs. After what would always seem like forever, that 'flap' would begin going up and down like it is supposed to.

    When I turned to go back inside, I noticed that I was standing in ankle deep snow without shoes. It amazes me, but, I never felt the cold of the snow through my bare feet.

    Thankfully, that problem left after about 6 months.

    Thank you Leah and everyone for offering your kind support and encouraging words to me. They mean a lot.

    Finally to Leah, you end comment reminded me of my favorite poet, Robert Frost.

    He is quoted as saying.....'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

    Take care. :)


    Thank you very much for the compliment. It made my day when I read it. :)

    Peace to you. :)


    Hi, hope you are well and nice to meet you.

    I'll check those articles and symptom lists out. When I find a new doc, I'll bring that up to them.

    In the beginning of my illness, I, like the rest of my family had the flu. Lung congestion which was horrible, uncontrollable coughing. I couldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time because of the coughing and would prop the upper part of my mattress up so I could breathe better.

    This went on for 6 weeks.

    About one week post-flu, I suddenly had all these symptoms fall upon me. Just like that. One minute I'm okay, the very next minute I am dizzy, foggy, very anxious, and feel like a cold wave is washing over my body.

    It was so sudden. This DD doesn't give anyone time to adjust. It just falls on us and that's it for you.

    So, for one year, in the beginning, I read all I could when I wasn't sleeping about situations like mine. Everything I read pointed to post-viral fatigue. Later on, I would discover it is just another name for CFIDS.

    The rest of my family got over their case of the flu. I've never understood what was different about me though.

    Was it something I had waiting for the right conditions to show itself? Maybe the flu provided that opportunity.

    Thank you for all of the papers to read, especially this one...


    I was looking at the symptom list on pages 9-11. So many things are similar in what I've read in other symptom lists.

    However, one symptom stopped me that I had never saw before in the other lists...'heart block on EKG'.

    That's why I had to have this pacemaker and went through all of that misery.

    The cardioligist never could explain why I developed 3rd degree heart block. It wasn't my cholesterol..He said I had no blockages.

    He just said 'I don't know'.

    I really do thank you. This may be what is wrong and why my 'flu' produced different results than in the rest of the family. :)

    Take Care.


    Hello. It's very nice to meet you.

    I really loved your story about the surfer. The water terrifies me, so, I never learned how to swim. But, the similarity is so true. The day that these symptoms fell upon me was just like a wave.

    I gotta find my board again. :)

    I love all of your suggestions to find an outlet in my life. Give me something to do. Something to learn.

    My granny used to play the piano. When she was young, she would often play some of the music at local dances. When I knew her, she didn't have a piano anymore, but, I loved listening to her stories.

    For myself, I've wanted to learn something for a long time. If I had enough energy I'd learn how to dance. I've also given thought to singing lessons. I love to sing.

    I know how to crochet. Taught myself when I was 15. I made one Navaho design afghan long ago and sold it to my neighbor.

    I am sure your hats and scarves are beautiful. And, yep, warm is good at 30 below...lol. :)

    When I use to cook, I would make apple pies and sell them. I really loved baking and cooking.

    Oh, yes, I have always loved animals. For years, I cared for a group of feral cats near one of our colleges. Mom and I have cats of our own. All of them we had neutered and spayed. The oldest one, Sheba, was with us for 22 years. We loved her so and it killed us to lose her.

    We have two older cats...Rascal and Collinsville...both in their middle teens who are in relatively good health. Collinsville's blood work came back as having minor elevations in kidney readings last year, so, I'm giving her 'Tripsy' from PetWellBeing.com. Many good reviews on their site and I like that it's fast acting. In May, she is due to have another check on her kidney function and from what I have seen at home, it shouldn't be any worse than last year. I'll let ya'll know.

    I am so sorry that you have many family problems. It certainly doesn't help the health problems any.

    I can relate to mounting family problems. Shortly before my father passed away, my older sister left without any word to us, abandoning her three children. All of them were under 5 years old.

    At first, their dad kept the oldest girl and youngest boy, and the middle girl lived with my mom's mom(the granny I wrote about earlier).

    A year after 'Jean' left, 'Barry' her husband, was shot and killed by his step-father. Then, the two children moved in with my granny.

    Granny was 70 years old and had numerous health problems, but, the children's other grandmother and aunt refused to help. So, granny gave them a home.

    She lived next door to us and Mamma would walk up the street with her crutch and help granny daily as time passed. My mom developed RA when I was three years old. So, it was quite a struggle for both of them.

    At the time I was 14 and my younger sister was 11. When we got in from school, we would take the kids outside and play to give granny and mom a break.

    When I was 17, my dad passed away, and 15 months later, granny passed as well. Everything was upon my mom's shoulders. I felt so sorry for her; to have lost both parents as well as her husband, and have a second family to raise....all within a ten year span.

    One day, when she and I were talking, I told her that I would always help her. That she didn't have to worry about being by herself. So, I have kept my promise. I did nearly everything a mother would do...I took the kids to doctor appointments, signed them up each year at school. They didn't want to ride the bus, so, mom finished teaching me how to drive and I drove them to school and picked them up in the afternoon.

    As the children got older, we began to have great difficulty with them attending school, especially the two girls. It got so bad, that the middle one was moved out of our home and placed in a type of home for troubled youth for one year.

    Mom and I tried everything to get her to go to school(and I was glad her counselors understood that). She was just adamant about refusing to attend class.

    It got so bad that I would pray not to see the morning come. She would sit behind the driver's seat and while I drove to school, she would scream at the top of her lungs and kick my seat as hard as she could. Then, we pulled up in front of the school. She wouldn't get out of the car and I'd go in to make sure the principal knew we had brought her.

    It was a nightmare and I'm glad it's long since over now.

    I really hope that your family problems don't last as long as mine did.

    Take Care of yourself, Stacey.


    Yes, I have some family nearby. The middle girl(niece) married years ago, she is in her thirties now, and has three children. She is dependant on pain medicine from one of her previous pregnancies and has been unable to get off.

    She has been out of work for quite some time, but, she was interviewed yesterday for a job at a local convenience store. If she gets the job, I do believe she will help us what she can. It was strange how her demenor switched to a much more likeable person after she moved out and got on her own. Mom and I have talked about that at length and just figure that she finally 'grew up' when she had children of her own.

    I don't know.

    My younger sis and her husband have a grown daughter and they helped us finance our chevy blazer last year. My sis makes supper for Mamma and brings it over. Outside of that, they talk about their own financial problems. So, they don't have any free money(I hate to ask even if someone does have it) to give right now.

    My mom and dad were never able to have a savings because most of the money went to care for 'Jean's' three children, plus finish raising us.

    After dad died, it was just mom's disability check to carry all of us through the month until I found a job to help out. It could only be part time, because by that time, Mamma was having a lot of problems with her feet and hands. Many joints had frozen in her fingers, toes and one elbow. So, I had to work, but, I also had to be there as much as I could.

    My younger sis married when she was 19. Her husband has been to mom like the son she never had. He has done so many things over the years and been such a help. Recently, Mom's cat 'Bandit' went missing and 'Mark' combed the neighborhood looking for him. He didn't have any luck, but, he said he would go back to the homes that no one was at home and ask again this weekend.

    Mom and I have struggled for years financially. Without any savings, we live from pay period to pay period. Our mobile home is a little over twenty years old and needs several repairs.

    This week, I was told about an agency that helps elderly and disabled people make repairs on their home. I called, the contractors came and looked at the three things I listed...insulation replaced under the home, underpinning, and we need a new tub. They said they would itemize everything, submit the report, and we would hear back within the week from the agency.

    It's hard to believe in a higher power, a God, when life is so hard. But, I know He is there. I've come to accept that, sometimes, the answer to my prayers is 'no' for right now.

    I'll look into richvank's methylation protocol. Thank you for telling me about it.

    Peace to you, Mary. :)


    Hi, nice to meet you. :)

    Thank you for replying to my earlier post and thank you for the compliment. :)

    I love my mom very much and have never regretted my decision to help her, especially when I have seen the conditions in 'retirement homes'. Before I became ill, I was in one looking for work and was horrified at what I saw.

    It was a small home with one room to sit in. There was no tv, no games to play, not even a window in the room. There were a few older people sitting in a 'u' shape around the room with nothing to do.

    It was the most depressing place I have ever seen.

    On the exercise topic, I have tried the recumbent bike at a nearby college and could do probably 15 minutes at slow speed before getting dizzy. I can still do that, but, can't go as often as I would like.

    My muscles don't hurt unless I use them and then it's only until a short time after I cease doing whatever it is I'm doing that is causing the discomfort.

    I'll mention the pain cream to my mom. Her skin is very thin, so, I'm not sure if she can use the kind with the pepper in it. But, it's worth trying.

    I need to find a way to reduce the RA factor in her blood. It shot up last year and her pain is much worse. Also, she has two large nodules underneath her feet that cause pain and prevent her from wearing regular shoes. Mostly she wears slippers and such.

    Thanks again, Rachael, for the kind words.

    Take Care.
  15. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I understand. I'm 77 and ever since my mastectomy last spring, the CFS has been extremely troublesome. On top of that, I developed post-mastectomy neuropathy. Not fun.Bit by bit I'm getting worse, not better.

    Therefore I just decided to make a major change in my life: I've adopted a little Shih Tzu from the local Humane Society. He needed care, and I needed to think about something besides feeling cruddy. I'm hoping we can give each other the companionship that makes living with this kind of illness easier to manage. He is at the vet right now, having his "check up." I'll bring him home tomorrow morning.

    I'll admit to feeling a bit frightened. If I'm not good at taking care of myself--of having to sleep a lot in the day, etc., what kind of dog mommy will I be? Well, we'll see. My hope is the little guy will love me anyway even if I'm not the most active owner in the world. He is three-years-old, sweet and I already love him. He will just have to be patient with me. Perhaps, together, we'll be a good team. He'll have a good home and I'll have a loving little companion.
    That should make life a heck of a lot more bearable. :)
  16. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Thank you for the words of support, Leah. I haven't owned a dog in many years. I've had cats, but not dogs. Wish I were not so nervous. But the truth is, anything a bit different gets my nerves itching these days. Part of this dd I've been told. Again, thanks for the note.
  17. MsE

    MsE New Member

    What's "klon"? You mentioned it in the first half of your post. I've never heard of it. ???
  18. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Klonopin, huh? I have a doc's appointment in a few minutes. I may ask him about that.

    Ody and I are getting along nicely. However, the two times a day walks are a bit much for me. He refuses to potty in his own yard. Waits until he's ready to burst and I take him for a walk. Got some advice about dealing with that online, and maybe things will ease a bit. Morning walks are difficult for me. Anything in the morning is difficult for me. :)

    His name is Ody, short for Odysseus (which is much too difficult) because Ody had been a traveler, rambling around our town until he was brought to a shelter where I found him. He is a three-year-old Shih Tzu. Very sweet. Wearing me out, but good company. It'll ease, I think, as he gets used to his new home.
  19. MsE

    MsE New Member

    The appt. went well, but I forgot all about the klonipin. Did get a couple of other prescriptions changed a bit and will have the necessary paper work to continue with myofascial massage for post mastectomy neuropathy and a bad neck that is messing up my hand. Had to wait way too long, but it was worth it.

    Yes, Ody is at a good age: still lots of fun, but likes his quiet time and is content to watch Dancing with the Stars and American Idol with me. :)

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