I Feel Like I'm All Alone...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by FeelingLost, Apr 10, 2007.

  1. FeelingLost

    FeelingLost New Member

    Hi, I'm new to this board. After being on here searching to return to the workforce (not an easy thing to do here in So. Califonia), I realized I was brought to tears once again and get so angry at myself. Once, strong, vibrant, eager, laughed all the time..I was the one that "others" came to and asked "how do you stay so focused all the time?"..here, in tears.
    In brief, I lost my Dad in 2001 suddenly after speaking with him on the phone from where I lived about 40 min. away. He died of a heart attack at home in front of Mom (they were married 65 years). My life changed. I was still working (with a great firm that gave me all the time off in the world to make ends meet), living on my own and self sufficient.
    Mom survived Dad for 4 years. After I was laid off from that "great" firm a year later, I traveled some domestically. It was freedom. Mom was still doing alright. When I returned, the end of 2003, she suffered a stroke while watching t.v. with me. My world, once again took a nose dive.
    I handled everything. I mean everything. From at home Hospice, to legal issues, to Administering the Trust...everything. NO outside employment, my social life disappeared...so did friends when they realized how difficult all of this was..and I was with my mother 180 hrs a week to the moment of her passing in my arms.
    Grateful..without doubt. Accepting...yes. Blessed with what I did and had with Mom? ...most definately.
    Yet...here I am. Forty-nine years old. Lost. I don't look a day over 35, healthy from what I know with a few minor problems that are workable..nothing disabling. Here I am.
    I can't seem to get myself back into the workforce. Some, the economy and jobs themselves...I've had offers, good ones and find myself abandoning them. Not going to follow up interviews, not wanting to be around people, not wanting the stress I know is there in my field..so, I'm trying to find another field (not easy when your resume consist of the same field for years)..but, I'm doing it.
    I was very, very close to my folks. I've accepted the fact they are gone, but with me everyday...the loneliness is so painfull. The fact I feel so lost inside, a huge, gaping hole that NOTHING fills. I've tried. I don't drink or do drugs..but, I tried shopping, weekend getaways, heck...even gambling (I won and even that didn't make a difference)..my level of interest is gone. Just gone. Nothing makes me happy, I find little humor in the things I thought hilarious before, people bother me (that is NEW) and tears come out of nowhere. (No, I am not menopausal..been there, done that).
    I want to run as far as I can..yet, hide away somewhere where no one can find me.
    I want to start a new life elsewhere (do-able. I own my own home, paid for so I can sell it and move anywhere)but my solid decision making has gone south.
    What the hell is wrong with me?!!
    I'm NOT suicidal..but, I know I'm severely depressed over alot of issues.
    My biggest hurdle is my social life. I had a wonderful social life. Everyone wanted to be my friend and I was a good, solid friend. Now, I don't want anyone near me.

    What the hell is wrong with me...
  2. mossrose101

    mossrose101 New Member

    I dont think there is anything wrong with you! It sounds to me like you have had some very stressful years recently. Taking on all that is a huge undertaking, even for someone who is, as you put it, healthy.

    The body and mind can only take so much. Sometimes even the 'strong' need a meltdown. And grieving also takes time and its different for everyone. You have had so much to handle its no wonder you are having a difficult time.

    I am not much for counselors but maybe you could find someone to talk to. Just getting it out helps sometimes. Granted, your life is not what it was before all this happened, but life is made up of constant change. Things WILL get better for you. Sometimes all it takes is time. I truly wish you the best.
  3. Charleen

    Charleen New Member

    I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father 11 years ago and my mom has battle cancer and so far so good. but you know somthing I am still angry with my father for leaving me and I know when my mom dies I will really be angry because she is my best friend.
    I was like you everyone liked me and I had a lot of great friends> In my case though I was dignosed with fibro and all the other things with it. Most of my friends left me. I do still have a few left but there are times I look at the caller Id and see them and I don't want to be bother I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to be alone. There are times when I would just like to run away and hide from life even though I know I can't
    I have found a good therpist who has taught me that maybe I am still angry that I lost my dad.
    There are many out there that feel like you do believe me you are not alone.
    Maybe a change in where you live would help especially if it was there house, only you can answer that one.
    I hope things go better for you soon, You sound like someone I would want to be friends with.
    Take Care of yourself
    Charleen
  4. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    I know how you feel I lost my dad 2004 and still have bouts of crying. Family gatherings are the hardest I cry alone in the bathroom sometimes he was my best friend. I still miss him from time to time. Still have my mom but we wern't that close.

    I had a melt down that year my daughter and I in a car wreck lost my car and no way to replace it that was in may my dad passed in june in aug husband decided it was time to get the divorce started then September my dad's father passed.

    That year was a blur and is to this day It took me until 2006 to finally feel like having a meaningful life, I had so much greiving to get through my health was the worst it has ever been.

    I know words can not pull you out of the greif you are going through but take it from someone that wanted all the greif to leave; in time it gets brighter. Try to pamper yourself, take little hours here or there to spend with a special friend or relative little doses will add up to more time together and healing for you.

    There is nothing wrong with you you are going through the normal greiving process an beleive me it will get easier. just hang in there and savor the little good times that do happen,

    wishing you brighter days and many hugs to get you through your grief.

    Brenda
  5. maryl

    maryl New Member

    Hi I can relate too. The folks are right. It takes time.
    They all offer good advise. Something else that helps me is prayer. Just a thought. hugs to you. Mary
  6. coolma

    coolma New Member

    you are depressed. Been there and know how you feel.
    you need some professional medical help. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need - in fact, it's smart.

    I have lost many people I loved in life. Suffered many traumas and physical illness. These are all major life "happenings". We need to learn how to deal with these issues better, before we are so down.

    there are many meds out there now that treat what you are dealing with and will help "boost" you to put your life together again. Plus, you will need some therapy, someone to talk to = a support group, a friend. There are chemical changes going on that make you feel the way you do.

    Your emotions have depleated the body's storehouse for all the "feel good" chemicals. These need to be replaced and boosted. When they are, you will feel better. Treatments take various amounts of time depending on your own body needs.

    When you find some energy, be good to yourself and find some passions. Something in life that makes you sing! It took alot of rest before I could put passions into my life again. Get some treatment for yourself first, then, try to place some passsions into it - and you will find some happiness.

    You can feel better but you have to take some steps to help yourself. I know you can. Good luck!
  7. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    I also lost my dad in 2001. He was my best friend. But I know he is still with me. I see the signs. I still talk to him. No I am not crazy. You never loose the ones you love as they remain in your heart and they truly are in a better place as they are at peace. I truly believe that we are here on earth to learn certain lifes leason and once we learn those leasons we pass on to a better place. Sometimes I ask myself why I have FMS but then I tell myself why am I being such a baby as my 8 year old grandson has a inoperatable brain tumor and he is the most brave happy little boy you would ever want to know. He has taught me more then anyone I know. So ask yourself why are we here it is to learn and why do we have what we have I think for some reason it is to teach us something maybe it is brought me here to meet you. Who knows.
  8. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I went through something similar with my parents however my mom is in a nursing home. It was so much pressure for so long. My dad first got sick in 1989.

    On top of that I had three people I love die close together last year - my aunt, a elderly lady I took care of, and my neighbors mom.

    It hit me and I believe it might be depression. I withdrew and don't really want to be around others much. I might be getting better now, finally. It takes time.

    It could also be a form of post traumatic stress- just all you have been through.

    Last year I saw a psychologist but it wound up with her doing all the talking. I ran out of things to say and it was too expensive to just go and sit.

    I am also in S. Calif. Too bad we can't all meet sometime.

    For me, I have a business and people who work for me, so that saved my day. I talk to them by phone, and computer every day. I also talk by phone to customers - but really avoid seeing anyone.

    I really just wanted to isolate myself. What I have done to help myself is:

    Started calling my elderly uncle every day to visit. He is very loving and we have great conversations. He looks forward to our daily talks.

    I go to the movies all the time - almost every day - I have seen most movies out now.

    Just a step at a time.... I am not interested in meds for depression - I don't feel depressed but I know how I am is not normal.


  9. Reidsbeads

    Reidsbeads New Member

    You have had alot more stress than anyone can endure in such a short time. Maybe the reason you dont want to be around people is because when the chips were down your so called friends left you alone. I think you should talk to a Dr about putting you on anti depressants because you sound like you are on the verge of a serious meltdown!! Making life changing decisions in the middle of a crisis is never a good idea. You should also set up a few therapy sessions. Sometimes when you talk to someone who asks you all the right questions you figure out what you need to do next. Whether you want to or not join something like a gym, bowling league, a church this way you dont isolate yourself at a time that you really do need people. Hope you feel better soon.....Tam
  10. momof471

    momof471 New Member

    I can sort of understand where you are coming from. I've had a lot of personal losses in my life beginning with the loss of my mom when I was 13, I was there, my dad drove an18-wheeler, he was not, my brother was in the Army. I was getting ready for school, when she had a heart attack at the age of 39. I was the one to close her eyes, it feels like yesterday, from that point on, I was the strong one. Everyone around me did really stupid things or fell apart. I had to be strong or end up the same way. I learned to lie really young and say everything is great! Went through stressful times with stepmother, my dad was all but lost to me. Married at 20, to young, husband was more immature, sweet, loving, but immature as far as finances and so forth. So he messed up, I figured out how to straighten it out. We have 4 beautiful girls, I had wonderful in-laws, they passed away 8 months from each other. Huge loss of support of our family. I'd suffered from headaches since 1993, ibs, but still kept going. 3 years ago I was injured at work and it all fell apart. Diagnosed with fibro and just have not been able to get it together, my husband and kids are great, helpful and relatively understanding. The rest of my family, well, that is another story. I'm not the strong one anymore and it hurts, that was who I was. Now I don't really like to talk to people, I hate to talk on the phone, I do go to church when able but I have to force myself. I've never been one for small talk and that is a bad thing now. I do know that the past for me, feeling so strong, is over, then again is it? I deal with chronic pain daily, take care of hubby and kids, sure I need more help with laundry and dishes and so forth, but that's ok. I continue to seek help for my illness and doing the whole doctor thing is a job in itself. I'm beginnin to realize, change is ok, its ok not to be so strong and sometimes its ok to say, no I can't do it. When you do this you tend to lose alot of built up resentment, you never knew you had. I may not be walking in your shoes, but I do know it will work out for you. Reach out for help though, here ,or a counselor, doctor, someone you trust, its ok to be the one that needs the help. YOu are in my prayers.

    God Bless
  11. Ranigar

    Ranigar Member

    I was Dx 3yrs. ago and lost both my parents also.I find you go through stages including anger,grief,sadness and back again over and over to varying degrees.I phased out all my friends and distanced myself from my sisters and own children.I just couldn't deal with listening to anyone's problems and didn't want them needing anything from me.Brainfog made it difficult to carry on a conversation and I hated feeling stupid.Sounds like the phone,doorbell or loud voices caused me such anxiety.All of this is still true today but I'm coming out of my shell a little more.I am sure I have experienced depression but haven't felt the need to see anyone so far.I take antidepressants for neuropathy so that helps the depression.Getting counciling would help you for sure but I just want you to know that you aren't alone if it helps at all.
  12. Engel

    Engel New Member

    I still have my Dad (just turned 80) but he just doesn't "get it" totally ... yet. He is trying lately, which is a big step. Mom died almost 2 years ago. My son is in his own selfish little world and I am estranged from my 2 sisters (due to my illness) and now obviously my nieces and nephews. My aunts, uncles, and most of my cousins are caring but do not live nearby. So basically I am pretty much "alone". I have been off work now on STD for 2 months and heading down that dreaded path to SSDI. I cannot see how I can ever work again. My bills keep going up and my income down and I have been forced into credit counseling and now bancruptcy. It is very depressing. I am trying to hold it together enough to get through all of this paperwork and anxiety. AND there is no guarantee of receiving SSDI. Social Life? What is that? I am not able to travel ... even local travel is very uncomfortable for me ... and anyone with me. I cannot draw or paint or sew or do anything with my my hands. Just writing is extremely difficult and very painful. SO I peck around on here as best I can and watch tv. I cannot read books since my eyesight is getting really bad and I cannot focus. This FM is a thief. I remember crying and screaming "What the hell is wrong with me..." so you are not alone in that respect. Hang in there hun. I am 53 and have been dealing with this for close to 23 years ... the last 13 being the worst.
  13. debhun

    debhun New Member

    They havn't been back I hope they are okay.

    Deb