i feeli like i want to die

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kinkypinky23, May 31, 2003.

  1. kinkypinky23

    kinkypinky23 New Member

    I am feeling very down today i feel so unwell and tearful. The discomfort i am going through is getting to me especially today.

    I first started developing symptoms of CFS about 18 months ago after the birth of a child and a bronchial infection. Over the past 3 months my symptoms of become so severe so quickly that i have been in and out of hospital so many times i cannot count.

    I have not been diagnosed with CFS , i have been tested for anaemia, hypothyroidism and I think luakaemia also. I do not think i have been tested for things like MS and Lupus.

    My GP has diagnosed me with clinical depression, which i feel is not accurate as i had physical symptoms months before i had any mental problems. My GP does now suspect CFS.

    I feel so unwell at the moment that i am convinced i am just going to drop dead. My head is just full of images of me dying that it is always on my mind basically i am petrified. I do not know whether I am suffering from illness induced panic attacks, panic disorder due to my illness or maybe i am severly mentally ill i just do not know.

    Just venting

    kink xx

  2. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I get that way too. You are most likely not mentally ill but i know that feeling also,

    I find the best thing I can do is quit thinking this situation to death and remember that although the coming days may not be a whole lot better, you are just have a very bad time today, or this week or whatever it is.
    This too shall pass.

    If possible take a nice warm bath and sleep. If not watch a funny show or movie.
    If you need to cry , do it and get it out.
    Just try to be too hard on yourself. I get that way. this is not your fault........................
    [This Message was Edited on 05/31/2003]
  3. RedB

    RedB New Member

    You need to get yourself to a nearby Mayo Clinic. There are three of them in the country, I believe.

    They will do every test necessary for you, and you won't have to spend months of running from doctor to doctor.

    It is soooo worth the drive if you can get there. Once you know that you DON'T have something that is more serious than CFS or FM, a big weight lifts off your shoulders.

    They have cheaply priced motels in town, and shuttle busses to take you everywhere.

    You also don't have to have an appointment. It takes awhile to wait through the waiting list, (took me 6 days to be seen), but once you get in, you're done in a day or two. That's a lot less time than having to wait several months to get into a doctor, and then wait more weeks to get a test taken, and THEN wait to get the results.

    Kathy



  4. yama

    yama New Member

    Hi Kink,
    with this dd I believe depression is a symptom and it has taken me down low, my kids have kept me alive so often and after years of having cfs/me I understand a bit better what I am feeling today may not be how I feel tommorrow.(Not much comfort when your are so low I know) I hope you have better days soon
    Take Care of yourself you are not alone,
    Warmest Wishes
    Carol
  5. marykello4

    marykello4 New Member

    Hi kink..Don't feel alone...We have all been there. Just keep thinking, Tomorrow is a better day. When it gets this bad for me, I get out of the house, go visit someone, or go to the library, or best of all, go shopping. Go somewhere to shop where you can sit when you get tired,like at a mall. I talk to people around me, and never about why I'm there. I listen to them and play with their children, until I feel better. So what if I have to go to bed when I get home. I feel better....Good luck.lolMary
  6. vinetti23

    vinetti23 New Member

    I think it's important to validate your feeling. You are in a lot of pain - you have the right to feel this way. I certainly did at times. There's nothing wrong with being in this state.

    I am not sure if you have medicine that can help you. Have you been prescribed anything? If not, I would say - try to find something to occupy your mind... Something active (writing) is better than something passive (TV) but do whatever you can. Take deep breaths (breathe low in the lungs instead of high...more refreshing)....and just focus on what you have to do. It may be hard, and that too is perfectly valid. If it's not easy, then that's fine - that too is valid. Things may not be easy in your state.

    Well... I hope you feel better soon. Try to see a doctor who can prescribe something (if you haven't yet)
  7. Meerkat60

    Meerkat60 New Member

    I'm not trying to diminish concern about depression but I think it is important to note that it is perfectly normal to feel frustrated, angry or depressed about physical symptoms like pain and fatigue. In fact, I think it would be abnormal not to feel that way. My doctor has talked to me about depression and I really don't think it is a problem. When my physical symptoms improve, there is no problem with my mood.

    Since I've had FM, I've had one mini remission. It happened when I went to New Orleans for a vacation. My FM pain was absent the whole time I was there. I walked around the zoo for several hours in 102 degree heat and humidity. It was amazing. As soon as we left there and flew to Atlanta, my symptoms were back. I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe because it is below sea level or because it's on the Gulf coast. I'm just not sure. I'd love to go back and see if it happened again. I've had people say it happened because I was on vacation but I know that's not true. My favorite place is Chicago and I also enjoy Vancouver and New York, but my pain has never disappeared in those places.

    Anyway, my point is, you know yourself better than anyone. If you think you're depressed due to physical problems, then you probably are. If you can get any improvement in your physical symptoms then hopefully your mindset will improve. Before I was diagnosed I felt like I was dying. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. My son has CFS and he actually takes Ritalin to help his energy and Ambien for sleep. He also has something for pain. What are you taking? I hope you find something that can help you soon. Hang in there.

    Renee
  8. AC77

    AC77 New Member

    Sounds like the illness IS causing you to have anxiety/panic. I would try some nice herbal remedies recommended on here, ie: kava kava, valerian, lemon balm ( knowledge courtesy of fibrodeoll and friends) and, you might NEED to be on Klonopin or Serax STAT. considering the condition you are in.

    I don't recommend antidepressants because that's really been discussed on here a lot and is a personal decision to make with your doctor. You can read over the post and weigh the pro and cons. Good luck
  9. Bacci

    Bacci New Member

    Your note has hit me today. In the last two months I have tapered off Paxil after reading a book about all the negative effects of SSRI's. So, I will be starting a new natural alternative called SAM-e starting next week. In the meantime, though, it has really brought me back down to my base level of depression and it's not pretty here. First, i want to say that many of us make the observation that we were sick physically before the depression came on, but it really doesn't matter (in fact, it still wouldn't make you a bad person, or "mental" even if you had the depression first). Depression is depression and it isn't any bettjer or worse depending on when it started. I say that because you commented on your doctor saying you have clinical depresion but that it couldn't be right because you were sick first. It is still clinical depression even if it's based on illness. I think you should just concentrate on the fact that it exists and deal with that.

    I have been dealing with this illnes s for five years. In fact I am about to "celebrate" that anniversary. For that reason and for tapering off the Paxil I am feelign very much like you...just exhausted of the struggle I face everyday. I am sick of being a burden to my family (my parents take care of me) but yesterday I realized that I am really a burden to myself. I am too much to take care of. I am tired of seeing no end in sight and no hope for a happy or peaceful future. I am going crazy living at home and am feeling so out of control with no privacy and no independence.

    It is a daily struggle and I try to tell myself that maybe the SAM-e will bring some relief and maybe next week will be better or maybe some answer will present itself to me. I keep looking for a reason to push through another day because it is the only option we have. It is. I have known people who have taken other ways out. It is very difficult for those who are left behind. It ruins the lives of hundreds and causes great depression to others.

    I got a call from my MD's office on Friday to let me know they are starting a support group for CFIDS and FMS. What timing! I said, "absolutely! sign me up". I would recommend that you do a little research in your area for something of this nature. It takes effort to reach out--a lot of effort, but once it's done, you feel so much better for having done it.

    Still, I know you have gotten suggestions above but I am sure the pain will remain for awhile. I cry all the time and just wish it would end on its own. I understand you. Many of us do. It is hard to go from being a healthy productive, active person to bedridden sick person. So, I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, send out a message to me and I will reply as soon as I see it. When you are feeling down, know that you aren't the only one out there feeling that pain. Wahtever you do, find something to distract you even if for a moment, to get you through to the nxt minute.

    Take care my dear,
    Bacci
  10. horsegal

    horsegal New Member

    Hey Kinky!

    So far, you've got some mighty fine advice and comfort. Listen to them and believe the words you read. This must be the month or time period for people to be down. Last week I posted nearly the same message as you just did. I was at my all time low, crying,etc. My mother, (and princessraye) always told me "This too, shall pass." For years, I thought that was a stupid saying, 'til I grew up enough and experienced many tribulations and times in my life. It will pass, you WILL feel better! I also agree with other replies to you....about medication and seeing your Dr. etc. If you are depressed and your dr. feels an AD would help, try it. This is coming from a person who doesn't like taking AD's, but you could be one of the lucky people that they really help. I also understand your feeling that you weren't depressed 'til you were sick...It's kind of a viscious (sp?).circle. Wow, I really like the idea of just going to a Mayo Clinic, but that wasn't an option for me. Sometimes I feel better when someone else recoginizes I really have been thru a lot. Well, honey you have been thru major trauma!! Having a baby is VERY hard on a woman, no matter how much we love the baby it produces. Having a baby is one of the biggest life-altering experiences there is, even if it isn't the first one. To have all that, plus then for you to get really sick....You've been thru A LOT!! Hang in there!!
  11. sweetred

    sweetred New Member

    I completely understand how you are feeling. I finally went to the doctor in March. He treated me for depression and prescribed Zoloft. I guess it helped a little with my mental state but my body still hurts so badly and it hurts when I breath. I am only 37 years old and I feel like I am at least 90 with a body full of arthritis. I went back to him again and this time showed him the sores all over my hands. Usually these little blisters come and go but this time they have been there for over a month...and very painful. He had already tested me for lupus and rheumetoid arthritis which he said was negative but he told me that my hands were a sign of lupus and wanted to retest me in about 2 weeks. I was suppose to get retested this week but now he wants to see me AGAIN before my blood test and I refuse (becuase i feel he is just after money at this point - no point in another appointment until AFTER my blood work). Anyway.....I have a 3 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. I just want to lead a normal life and be a good mom..a fun mom...and the active person I used to be. Right now I can barely get out of bed. I am an accountant and I can barely even function at work. I don't know what to do. I just wish someone would diagnose me so treatment can start or I figure out SOMETHING. I just keep thinking I am going to die young.

    This sucks.
  12. healthywannabe

    healthywannabe New Member

    I know how you feel. sometimes i feel so sick i feel like im dieng and its hard to keep fighting! I also have been diagnosed with cfs, but i am not 100% satisfied that this is what that is. Do you have a sick feeling that overrides the fatigue? I do, and at times it becomes unbearable. I also have been going on a downhill spiral and i cant find the brakes or reverse.BUt i have faith that everything happens to us for a reason and I am trying to find out mine. I now realize how precious life truly is..and i swear, when i get better i am NEVER watching tv again! lol. For 4 months I can hardly leave my house and it is sooo hard at times to face another day. but i know that this to shall pass someday. :) I have read a post on here that has deeply intrested me and i think that you should ask your doctor to do a *FREE T LEVELS* test like t3 and t4. THey are diffrent thyroid tests that doctors rarely do. The one that they do, is not alswys accurate and this one lady on here has felt sick for ten years!and when they did those tests they found alot and gave her medication and she is doing great now! I know im getting that test! Also, you should look into seeing a chiropracter. Sometimes when your back is out of alighnment(that how you spell that?) IT pinches nerves wich aggravates cfs. i have gone 3 times and have 9 more to go. no improvement yet but i have high hopes.
    I too was told that it was depression and i needed to seek councling. The problem was i couldnt get out of bed to go to councling! I quickly changed doctors after that. The key is to find the right doctor for you. hang in there and I hope you get feeling alot better soon! I will be praying for you! Peace...ZOe
    [This Message was Edited on 06/01/2003]
  13. catnip51

    catnip51 New Member

    The doc's crack me up they really do. Of coarse were depressed, who wouldn't be feeling like crap every day. They say were depressed and maybe we ard quite alot some days but the depression defintely is not the cause of the DD. There are days when I feel ALMOST normal and I'm not depressed, I'm a whole different person. I get down and cry alot on my bad days when I can't deal with this DD. That's when the support here gets me through it. I must say I've been depressed quite a bit lately but my good days are far and few between. I take the days and thank God for them and I wish with all my heart they would stay but it just doesn't work that way unfortanely so my best advice is hang on to the good days and come here on the bad days...Hugs

    Cathy
  14. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    I am so sorry...I do know exactly how you are feeling. Before my diagnosis, and prior to finding a great CFS/FM specialist, I honestly thought I was dying. Some days it still feels like I am dying, and there are those times when that possibility almost would be a relief.

    Finally after about a year of severe unwellness, and pain (I have CFS and FM) my emotional well-being was spiraling. After denying and trying my hardest to fend off depression, I finally admitted to my doc, I was at rock bottom.

    I agree with you, the depression is a result of an illness. It's not so important that your doc agrees, as long as you are getting the treatment you need, and it's working.

    You know there is a great relief in a way, to get an actual diagnosis, and validation. It does ease the strain. Have you considered going to a Doctor who specializes in CFS and FM? My husband who also suffers from these DD's just got a diagnosis, from ours, I can see the difference it has made for him. I remember, too, when I was in the same place. It removes the anxiety that there is some unfound condition, that is progressing and going to inevitably do us in.

    The other significant benefit--from seeing someone who practices and is so knowledgeable about these disorders is that treatment can be done. There are so many things to try, that will actually help you feel better. It has taken my Doc and I awhile, trying different combinations, but we are coming up with a med, supplement, vitamin, homeopathic regime, that is individualized for me---that is making me feel better.

    That feeling of I am so unwell, that certainly I am dying, and so depressed that it would be a relief, is gone. Don't get me wrong, I still have periods where I feel so sick, but they pass now, I am no longer bedridden. My quality of life has improved greatly.

    I suffer from anxiety attacks and depression, as do many others. It's a result of these illnesses. Again, it doesn't really matter though, what comes first--the chicken or the egg---if we are suffering, we need to be treated, period.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how awful it is. Just know that there are others going through the same, and have been through the same. It's the duration of these things thats the killer---they just seem so unrelenting, I know. Hang in there, perhaps find a specialist, even for just a certain diagnosis, although the benefits I now get from my D.O. have made such a difference in actual treatment. Know that we are all here for you, and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
    LL
  15. AmyKaiser

    AmyKaiser New Member

    someone else posted about becoming ill after having a baby...this really leads me to suspect hormonal issues..
    i have a friend who after her first child, her thyroid shut down...she went to a mental hospital and all...they didnt realise it was her thyroid for sometime..
    of course hers showed up on routine blood tests but a very LARGE percent of people DONT!!!
    try taking your morning basal temp. before u arise from bed...
    Amy
  16. larayne

    larayne New Member

    I too get very depressed. I don't know how much activity you are able to do because of the pain but if you are able to get out of the house take the baby for a walk and visit with other people but not about illness. This is what we are here for talking about our aches and pains, right? Try to get a good laugh, laughter is the best medicine. We live in very depressing times right now. We turn on TV and the news is all depressing. Most of the programs are the same. Rent some funny videos and watch them with your husband or the family and have a good belly laugh together. Maybe a picnic supper in the livingroom on a blanket on the floor while you are watching the funny movies. To heck with the mess...let them laugh too. Talk about the silly things you or someone did that made you laugh. Do something different. Maybe you know someone that needs your help and go help them, when they are grateful for your being there that is always alift in ones spirits. And by all means get to the doctor as Redb advised or even have a tea party as AC77 talked about. But definately try to help yourself. Doctors don't always understand and I fear they think it is easier to give you a scrip and out of the office. Depression is dangerous to everybody. You your family and all of us that goes through it. And please if you find something that helps share it with us as we need it too. I am so much older than you and don't have the same problems as yourself raising small children which in its self is drawing from your strength but take time for yourself what about a trip to the beauty shop or getting a massage. Do something crazy like funny things on your toe nails by a podiatrist. Does your parents live close that they can watch your children and you and your husband go on a date and have a fun night out? You shoud do this at least once a mo. It is something to look foreward to. And try to do it even if you are hurting. You are the one that knows what would be a pleasnt experience for you and go for it but please let us know as we need the help too. Remember laugh until it hurts. Thats a good hurt!!! Love larayne