I guess it is my turn now...my husband of 23 years says he doesn't love me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ilovepink4, Dec 28, 2010.

  1. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I have watched this happen over and over here....and now it is my turn.... i thought that things were a little rough because we didn't have any time to spend together cuz I was too sick and he was busy with the kids.....now he doesn't love me "that way" anymore....

    I have tried and tried to get him to talk but he wouldn't....he likes to drink and i would classify him as a closet alcoholic....i dug in my heels about 8 months ago about the drinking because he was drinking every night and would go to bars with his co workers but lie about it....and he would drive the kids places after having a few drinks...which terrifies me....

    He is so busy with work he doesn't talk to me much about this and I am panicking....we don't have the money for two places to live....we have a disabled adult daughter living with us....

    i feel like there has to be another woman but he says no....but i don't know if I can believe it...why would he push for this now....and he isn't saying anything about leaving....it is just when i bring it up and am panicking and crying he will then say that stuff...if I don't bring it up, he seems just fine and content with me...happy and we laugh and joke around but he won't have sex with me...hasn't much for the last couple years and i have been so upset over this....

    now he is out of town over night for work, again...and i am left here with no one to talk to and my insides churning....my kids are here and i have to try to act semi normal....why can't i be like him and just pretend everything is fine? if I would just shut up and not bring it up, will he get over this?

    OMG! what will i do? i am bed bound! I need help ...i can't do anything let alone run this whole house by myself...and i will be alone for the rest of my life....no one would every want me with this level of illness and a disabled daughter and 3 other kids...one grown and in college and two boys 11 and 13....i love my husband...we have built this family and life together and now he says that the whole time he hasn't loved me...and i am left here to stew over it...

    we need counseling but how will i be well enough to go out of the house for it on a weekly basis...not to mention all the trauma it will cause....i am still recovering from going to christmas eve church...and that morning we talked and he told me he didn't love me like he did...merry christmas...and tomorrow is my birthday...i suppose i will get a big gift of "I am moving out" for my birthday....

    how did you get through this? i am just weak typing about it....
  2. helen41

    helen41 New Member

    I don't know that there are answers for you right now. I think you are doing exactly what you have to do. Take all those helpless fears and put them here.
    One of the amazing things about forums is that you are safe, and can say anything. One of the drawbacks is that others can't reach out, put their arms around you and hold you while you cry. I wish I could, but I can only send you those warm thoughts
  3. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    thanks helen and jamin
  4. Maribelle

    Maribelle New Member

    I am so sorry that you are going thru this. You have all of us here and we will not abandon you in your time of need. You need strong women in your life. Do you have any friends or relatives that you could talk to? I found that when I went thru a divorce a few women helped me get thru it...they were my rock. I didn't think I could get thru it, but I did.
    I wasn't sick like I am now but I was very weak emotionally, insecure and full of fear. It use to immobilize me. I couldn't even take the trash out. I was pretty depressed.

    But thru the grace of God, I got thru it and you can too. YOU MUST HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM. If you are too sick to go out have them come to your home. Don't isolate and allow others to help you. You will be okay. Trust God. If you belong to a church, call your priest/pastor and ask for help. There are great groups in churches that help with this sort of thing.

    Take care of yourself and your children as best you can. Give him to God. You can't change him only God can. Pray, pray, pray.

    [This Message was Edited on 12/28/2010]
  5. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    thanks maribelle
  6. sascha

    sascha Member

    and on top of it you are ill. i went through it. my husband was alcoholic. we had two small children. he got another woman pregnant. didn't know whether to go with her or stay with us. i was devastated. then he got cancer and went off and had an affair with another woman during that time when he knew he was going to die. he came back and died with me and our family. life can be so tough- i'm so sorry.

    i know one thing- drinking and being able to figure things out don't go together. a person is not present when he's drinking.

    you will prevail. i know you will. take it as calm and steady as you can. stay within your limits as well as you can. step by step it will get sorted out. i'll be pulling for you--you will prevail.

    very best to you- Sascha
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    There is so much love and support here and I hope you can feel that you are being prayed for and loved. You said you went to church; is there anyone there who can help you to cope, not only emotionally but also with things you need help with? I know when one is bedbound, it makes everything even more difficult.

    Your husband needs to know that even if he isn't there emotionally, his responsibilities for his family don't stop. He has got to get help with his drinking and he has to help with the kids.

    Sweetie, so many of us have been through this but I know that doesn't make it less painful when you are going through it. Sometimes in life, you have to take a leap of faith that everything will work out. This is one of those times. I know it feels like getting kicked in the stomach. The pain is so raw. Over time, although it never heals completely, the pain is more tolerable. It's been more than 20 years since I first went through this so I have the privlege of hindsight. I feel fortunate to be rid of the stress that this toxic man brought into our marriage. You will get there but for now, you have to take care of the most pressing issues. Even if the church cannot help you, and they should, they may be able to point you in the direction of agencies who can help.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love, Mikie
  8. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    Thanks so much for your support...you are so right, broadcasting, that he is probably pulling my chain....i DO need to get a backbone....i had one when i dumped out his booze...the entire cabinet...and i told him that i was gonzo if he didn't stop the drinking....then, over time, it creeps back in....but i really pissed him off when i did that...he just won't say anything

    i need to stop letting him and his drinking be my problem...it is just when he said that he has never loved me and that he has just been doing the "right thing" all along...i was preg when we married but we had lots of good years together before I got sick....

    the more convinced i got about his drinking affecting us, the more he shut me out.....the kids see it without me having to say it...

    where we live, the men are neanderthals and they all do this....most of them...drink beer, or ?, fish, hunt, and come home for a hot meal and a wife that either does this stuff too or doesn't have a problem with every activity being centered around the cooler of beer....and the guest won't leave for 8 hours because every social event is a drinking marathon...

    anyways, thanks for responding....there have been so many ppl that read my post but not too many wanted to tell their story...maybe i am mistaken?? I thought that there was a problem with fibro and/or CFS and marriage troubles.....i would love to hear some stories of what others have experienced.....

  9. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on this board for awhile but I popped in and saw your post. There has already been such good advise here and you are being prayed for also. Not much time right now for a real long post. Just know there are so many here who care for you and as someone else said take it day by day and one step at a time. If you have a church call the Pastor or minister.

    Alcohol (ecessive) can be awful and cause lots of problems and marriages to fail. I know it did to my daughter also, the childre suffer even though he was the problem an d she had the children most of the time. It really hurt the kids.

    I'll check back later when I can, have to fix dinner. There are so many here who love you and want to help. Try not to get yourself sicker than you are now. You are stronger than you think sweeetie.

    Have to go for now.

    Thinking and praying for you hon,
  10. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    Pink - someone else suggested Al-Anon. You really should check it out: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org - dumping out his booze or demanding that he quit drinking won't solve anything.

    My ex-husband was a dry alcoholic - he quit drinking early in our marriage but never really got mental sobriety. He was shut down emotionally, prone to self-pity, and other things. I went to Al-Anon meetings for ten years and learned so much about myself and the part I played in our marital problems. The meetings were invaluable. It's a fabulous program for anyone dealing with alcoholism. Our marriage eventually did totally collapse - by this time I had changed and learned a lot, and he just saw no need to make any changes in himself. I think my illness (CFS) was the straw that broke our marriage, but our problems ran much deeper. You're right - many marriages don't survive serious chronic illness. It seems that the ones that do have a solid bedrock foundation, which mine didn't.

    I hope for your own sake and your children's sake that you check out Al-Anon. There's a lot of information available on-line.

  11. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    Jamin, the mentality of the hunting/fishing runs through the veins of about 50% or more of the women living here!!! They go sit in a deer stand for 8 hours at a time in below freezing weather, with their deer rifles....they shoot and gut their own deer!!! and families around here eat venison and bear and ducks and elk all the time! and not because they have to!!!

    animal heads are in vogue in many homes and the most popular way to decorate is the northwoods cabin look....the women are into it as much as the men...

    my husband isn't a big hunter...he goes on two of the three weekends of deer season usually, now that the boys are old enough to go with....when they were babies, it was hell to be home for a couple weekends in a row, with my daughter to care for, and the two little hellions!!! our boys have always been into everything!!! and not feel good....

    I am so glad that my hubby isn't into that...he likes the solitude of being outside but he hasn't shot a deer in years! the last time he did, he gave it to my brother since most of us won't eat the venison...

    it is a strange culture here in minnesota...

  12. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I too love a good fishfry! Walleyes and crappies are the best!!! i even don't mind a bit of fishing....

    regarding the slaughter of the innocent baby carrots and spinach, i just have no words, broadcasting.....heehee
  13. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    Thank you for your supportive words and suggestions. I have cruised around the message boards on al anon message boards....they do have good things to tell...because my husband never seems to hit any type of bottom, it makes me question myself....

    we stopped going to wedding dances and social events because he would have lots to drink and would ditch me to talk to his friends....and he would never want to leave....he would pick at me or we would get into a fight because he would ignore me and leave me sitting by myself and it sucked!

    if people would come over for a barbeque or the 4th of July or just to get together, the night was supposed to be about talking and drinking....and i enjoyed getting together with another couple or couples and loved the conversation until the men got so drunk they were obnoxious....and then the other wives would be sitting there wishing they could go home since it was 2 a.m. or the kids were needing to get to bed at midnight but the guys didn't want to hang it up....once i got sick, we rarely had company....once we had friends come on the 4th of july, it was a family and duing the day, i had to rest for 2 hours and they were totally understanding...even the poor wife who was stuck with the guys for a couple hours...the killer was that then the men shot off fireworks and scared me to death, while i was in the house holding our daughter's ears because loud noise and fireworks make her hysterical.....and then the neighbors showed up with even louder fireworks and they had to shoot that off and the 95lb goldretreiver/yellow lab mix was terrified and climbed up on my daughter's bed and layed on top of her and she was screaming because of the dog and the dog was panicked

    and i could not get the dog off of her....she and i laugh about it now, but my daughter can't protect herself with her hands so she was a total sitting duck for the dog....

    and FINALLY, the men decided the night was ending since their kids were fussing to go home and it was midnightand the bugs were terrible....and then that mother actually climbed in the car with her three precious children and let her husband drive home!!! and they live about 25 miles out of town.....if you aren't afraid of killing your family, you aren't afraid of killing someone else, that guy wasn't even afraid of getting picked up for DUI on the 4th of July!!!!

    This is how so many of the people around here function! and i just can't handle the fear of what is to come if DH has been drinking or not???

    i am accused of being a total, uptight bit@h because i am sick of this marathon drinking behavior....

    Another "fun" activity is packing a cooler and driving from little hole in the wall bars in the middle of no where, while drinking in the car....and this is educated professional leaders in the community!!! They wear suits and ties to work everyday and this is how they have fun....it is really shocking....this is called "open bottle" and is very illegal....

    so, in a place where this behavior is so commonplace, i am not normal....my husband gets soooo mad when i say it is the good old boys syndrome and that no one would get hired in this field if they weren't into drinking! haahaa!

    anyways, right now, i would never know that anything is wrong by the way dh acts ...it is just when we discuss this, he is just brutal and says, he doesn't feel the same anymore....and we are planning on going to go to marriage counseling but i worry that he is just doing it because it is the right thing ...i don't know what he is planning.....i don't want to plant the D word in the discussions....but, if he truly had fallen in lovewith another woman, wouldn't it make sense to take it step by step to extricate himself, so that the alledged other woman would not be blamed for breaking up a marriage?

    the only way we could financially have two residences is if someone was supporting him....we have too much debt from all the years of living on one income with a family of 6...and remodeling twice to make our home wheelchair accessible....and the adoptions, and everything else that always went wrong and broke! WE just can't cut a break! In a way, it is probably a blessing because it might keep things in control and give him some time to work through this crisis or whatever it is....

    i can totally see why he would freak out over the stress of running the family and his job! I pay the bills now and fold all the laundry....he cooks a few nights a week and does all the grocery shopping....he puts the laundry in the washer and dryer and carries it up to our bed and I fold it all....we all put it away together...the kids do their own, ect...but he has all the yard work...blowing snow in a big driveway at 5 am so he can get out of the driveway and shoveling the sidewalks and ramps....the boys help too but they are still not very big and it takes them a long time to make much...ah...progress...forgot the word...

    he has to take the boys out of town on weekends and week nights for hockey games every weekend until the end of Feb...but i think this might be the end of both of them being in hockey...our older son is getting to the age where he knows he will get cut for high school hockey and is getting sick of playing on the "bad team"....just rips my heart out....

    Sorry that i am just dumping here....i am so emotional and i can't talk about this to anyone....i don't want to make my family hate him so i am just waiting awhile...his folks are both deceased and my parents are kind of like parents to him...except he laughs at them...we both do...they are funny! they are so OCD about their house and yard and their mealtimes and stuff!!! but, my dad helps us with rides with DH is out of town and he goes to all of the boys football and hockey games! both my parents even go to all the band concerts and everything
    !!! that is something that is dying out...grandparents that live in the same town and will take the time to do all of that....

    i looked up marriage therapists today but no nothing about any of them...except one of them i have met before....she was in an energy healing workshop with me....she is life partners with a woman that was married to one of my DH's friends....she was confused or fighting her sexuality or something during the marriage...they split up and she is with this nice woman and the nice woman in a therapist...

    i know that i would feel comfortable talking with her....she is into things that i like....spritual stuff and she would be open minded...and hopefully someone that would understand that fibro is no joke...it is crucial that the therapist understands how debilitating this is....

    dh even implied that i suddenly got sick when he told me i had to go to work when the kids were all in school....he conveniently forgets that i have been earning $15-$20,000 a year as a pca for our daughter...it is dwindling down now that the fibro seems to be getting worse...i can't believe he jokes about my paycheck!!! when he is being a dink, he said that my paycheck was nothing....but, if i got some Job out in the world, i would be paid half of that...and would have needed a sitter...i have the greatest part time job...i can work in my pjs and i only do the shifts that need no lifting....where else could i be paid to stay home????

    so, even my husband who was my rock when my family didn't "get it", is poking me about faking this....god that is brutal....

    anyways...i am done rambling...no one should even bother to read this....but my anxiety level has gone waaaay done...it is either because hubby and son are home now and i feel calmer when he is here....or the typing is theraputic...or the xanax kicked in finally....

    thanks if you bothered to wade through this personal laundry!