I have a huge Pet Peeve ....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dc1980, Oct 8, 2008.

  1. dc1980

    dc1980 New Member

    I was diagnoised in June 05 and ever since then when the phone rings I almost feel as though someone is scratching a chalkboard because I have a sixth sense that is it a certain person, and that person is my mother...the first thing she ask me is," Are you outta that bed today?", or, "you feeling better yet?", and if I say, "not much better mother", her reply is always, " Well, what is wrong with you then?". OMG, it is never ending. She has her own set of medical problems and when she is flaring with her back you better believe that is all she talks about. And me, I just go right along with her. I don't put her down for feeling a certain way, or dismiss her pain, or tell her how she should be feeling or tell her my plan for her recovery. But when it the tables are turned, she pounces on me like she has been to every medical school in the US. It is getting to the point where I am not answering my phone for a week or a week and 1/2 at a time. Then it goes into..she starts asking "Am I mad at her?", calling my husband if I don't answer after 3 rings. Help, does anyone have a relative/friend who has no clue how much they are affecting our sanity??? How do you deal with the person? Remember this is my mother and I have been down right ugly and that didn't help, I have been nice to the opposite extreme and that didn't help either. What's next? Your opinions??? Thanks in advance, dc1980
  2. erinwilburn

    erinwilburn New Member

    I even changed the message on my phone just for her. It says that if I am not answering I am not up to talking but if it is important to call my hubby or leave a voicemail. We go through the same cycle every week! I have tried all kinds of things... sending her Youtube videos, the spoon theory, research ect. The latest is a documentary. But it's the same response...get out of that bed and you will be fine.

    The one time I got any kind of response from her was when I broke down and told her that sometimes i just need her to cry with me, cause if you can't cry with your mom who can you cry with.

    The only way I have found to keep my emotions safe is to create strict boundaries and keep them and to keep calls very short. The longer my mom talks the deeper she digs into me. and even though it is hard I am bluntly honest with her. I just say "mom I know you aren't meaning to but I am getting upset so I need to go"

    I am sorry you have to deal with this! I would never wish this on anyone! soft hugs!
  3. piratelife

    piratelife New Member

    My friend got a card in the mail, it says: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
  4. dc1980

    dc1980 New Member

    Thanks for replying and privatelife it is the truth, if its not one thing it is your mother !!!! Or at least my mother ;o)

    erinwilburn...even when I am bluntly honest she doesn't get it, she will call up to 15 times a day and of course I am not answering because I fear what I might say and I know I would not be able to take it back. She never leaves a message so I know its not important because she doesn't call my husband. Then I find out that my mom and sister are talking during her rampage and my mom thinks its funny that she has called 15 times...Lord, with all my medical issues their childish behavior is the last thing I need so best for me not to respond. I love my mother dearly but she is toxic to me right now and has been most my life, and as long as I can remember that I don't feel trapped to engage in her games.

    After years of therapy, I have learned to first and foremost that I need to protect my health, mental, physical and most of all spirtual. I just thank the lord I now recogonize her patterns and do not play into them anymore.

    I am just dissapointed because even at 44 yrs old that during the last 4 years has been the time I needed my mother's support. I have even told her but she is just to so set in her thinking you would think I would learn there is no changing her mind.

    However something positive has come out of all this; It has taught me that I will always be there for my daughter and never play games with her emotions. And we have a closer relationship and she knows she can come to me amytime day or night for anything. I can talk about what is going on with me physically because she is a nurse and she understands and that goes visa versa she can tell me what ever is going on with her.

    I think I just answered my own question...even though I love my mother and I know she loves me, she does not know how to support me unless I have having a good day. I have a loving family, meaning my husband, son and daughter who love me and support me no matter what kind of day I am having and that goes both ways they know I feel the same way.

    I guess it has just been wishful thinking on my part.
    Sorry so long, dc1980
  5. Atlanta8

    Atlanta8 New Member

    You could try writing her a letter to explain everything? She's obviously very stubborn and arguementative so if you write to her she's got no chance to argue (until she phones you up again, that is!). Perhaps write to her then ignore her calls for a week or so - let it sink in. Maybe print off an info sheet about CFS and send that with it.

    Hope you get it sorted soon :)

  6. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I just don't answer the phone. I answer the occasional email, though. But the idiots keep asking me if I'm working yet, even though they know I've been on disability for seventeen years and rarely leave the apartment. That's all I hear out of the jerks, are you working yet?

    My mom passed away. But before she died, she was pretty supportive of me, except for, if I had a day where I was able to do anything, then she would bug the hell out of me. If I could make dinner one night, then she would bug me the next day and be like, you did this yesterday, how come you can't do all this stuff today. She never understood that just because I had a tiny amount of energy one day did not mean I was suddenly well.

    My mother also used to only talk about HER health. If I said I didn't feel well, all of a sudden, it was all about her aches and pains, her health, and on and on it went. And it really drove me crazy because we weren't talking about her. She did that with alot of things. So it got to where I didn't have much to say to her. She only wanted to talk about what she wanted to talk about and that was it.
  7. spacee

    spacee Member

    For you and your mom to set up some boundaries for HER.

    Just a thought....

  8. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Try to tell her she is really upsetting you and tell her what you told us,that you listen to her when she is flaring.

    If she does not stop you need to start lying and tell her you feel great whenever she asks. Say you have just got back from the mall. Every time she calls tell her you must rush or you will miss your exercise class or tennis lessons.

    Then close your eyes and take a nappy....


    DRAGONSGIRL New Member

    Our mothers could be sisters! LOL It is exactly the same for me! Don't have anything new that you haven't already tried. To no avail. My little sister told me that she thinks she just does this out of jealousy. After all, technically we're stealing their old age thunder! And attention that they think they should have due to their old age infirmaties. What a joke! If I could I would be as healthy and active as she was at this age. As it stands she is doing a whole lot more with MY GRANDCHILDREN than I can. They call her Grandma and I'm the stranger! Like my Great Granmother was to me. Just a lady I barely knew and had little contact with. Even flying across country to be at their births! And she's jealous of me!!!! She really enjoys saying "I'm 74 and your older than me! When I was your age...." GGGGRRRRRR!!! If only she would understand that I'M THE JEALOUS ONE!!!
  10. terrimaguire

    terrimaguire New Member

    dc, just a little comment from me, I don't think you should lie to her. I don't talk to my stepmother about my health, because she switches everything around and wants to talk about her health which is not good, and I honestly don't want to talk about her health. She's like the one who just wants to talk all about herself and not about anyone else. It's no fun.

    I hope it works out for you.

  11. akandmk

    akandmk New Member

    my mom is recovering from breast cancer, and has really bad asthma. It's not that my mom doesn't believe me, it's more that she doesn't want to think of me as ill. She will say that when she had really bad joint pain from her cancer meds that she thought she'd never get through it and then it was gone. I try to tell her that meds are not making me ill, it is my own body and i have to take meds to try to feel better. I believe she is in a bit of denial as i said because she just doesn't want to think of me as ill. We really don't talk to much about me being sick anymore. If i am in a flare i'll mention it and that's that. I guess that if you're mom doesn't want to be supportive of you then perhaps you can send her a book or something that actually explains what we are going through. And if she persists with not believing you then you should tell her that you've been patient, you've been impatient, and you're actually becoming more stressed out because she isn't being supportive of her and that you need to eliminate things that stress you out for your own health and if she doesn't want to get with the program then she should just leave you alone. Mom or not she doesn't have the right to make you more stressed out and sick than you already are.