I have hit a brick wall - help!!!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jet75, Aug 4, 2003.

  1. Jet75

    Jet75 Guest

    Apologies for the length but a little venting was needed!

    I have had ME for nearly 8 years. When I first got it at 20 all the usual things happened (a rapid series of losses - university and student life, friends, normal life in general) but part of me always thought I would get some semblance of this back. When I first got ME (I am in the UK) so little was known about it that it was thought I could beat it completely despite being in a wheelchair for 3 years. A few years in and I accepted this wasn't possible, however I did believe that I could get a version of my previous life back at least. I came on this website a lot, aggressively researched my condition and pro-actively attacked it from every angle I could. Medical intervention was useless here (see a consultant once every 18 months and they just offer you Seroxat - and they discharged me as there was nothing more they could do for me). I found that nutrition and yoga were the chief things that helped me and within a year I had made more progress than I had in 6. I started to do a correspondence degree course and to widen my social circle. I hoped to coach from home and teach yoga in a small weekly class. Things were looking rosy. I was never going to be 'normal' persay but I could get that elusive semblance back and be happy - doing my things, my way, within my health remit.

    However things have changed now. I had to drop out my degree (yet again) as I caught a virus and couldn't catch up without colossal stress. I went on a touring holiday and although ate relatively carefully had a massive toxicity relapse when I got back (my route into ME was glandular fever and my lymph and digestive systems seems to be the biggest problems). This may sound very negative but I am slowly wondering if I have been chasing carrots on sticks and whether this is as good as it gets. I know this is just a setback right now but I still feel like I was being unrealistic with my overall plans. Should I just face this and live in what feels like an unpurposeful here and now or should I keep fighting and planning for a better future that I may never get?

    The reason this is really troubling me is I am late 20s and would at some point like to marry my long term boyfriend. Living together means he would have to support me financially and we can't afford that. And god knows how I could ever have kids.

    In short I don't feel like I can move on in any area of my life nor do I know how to. How do you feel purposeful and confident when you have to drop so much due to no energy?

    Thanks for reading this and I hope you wonderful lot can help me as much as you did in the past
    x
  2. MtnDews

    MtnDews New Member

    Jet,
    Sorry you have it the wall. I know the feeling well and it's not good. It would be nice if there were some way of telling what life will bring, then we could be better prepared. But, there is no crystal ball and we just have to take each day one at a time.

    I too, find it VERY frustrating not being able to do what I'd like to accomplish. In the last couple of years, I've begun to realize that I can do things, it just takes me a million times longer than it does for well people. I can still bust through some things, but when I do, I pay.
    That vicious cycle of pushing and crashing...sounds like that's where you are too.

    My advice would be to contact the university and explain your illness to your advisor. Surely they have run into this problem before now and can work with you on your level. Like I said, it may take longer, but accomplishments worth having are never easy. Taking baby steps is so frustrating too, it runs against all that we have been taught. But, it's what works best for us with this DD.

    I can only hope and pray that one day the medical field will be able to figure out our mystery and fix us with their magic pills. Meanwhile, try to take each day as it comes. Easy for me to say, huh? Well, if it helps, we are all in the same boat. I understand your anguish.
    H
  3. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    you need to change your expectations. You already have, but maybe you need to change them more. It seems that no matter how well we get, we'll never be able to go back to our previous existence--the mad paced, frantic life we all used to participate in. I'm not saying that's what you did, but I know if I become well enough to resume life it's going to be very hard to find the limits I can operate in without relapsing. Hope someone else has more helpful suggestions.