I have no love or support

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Shazzy, Apr 20, 2003.

  1. Shazzy

    Shazzy New Member

    Hi,

    I have 3 kids age 21, 17 and 14yrs. They do all the housework, shopping cooking etc but when it comes to helping me or getting me something they make me feel like a pain and a nuisence. If i am crying they leave me to it, saying things like, nothing new, yours always ill. I feel nothing but a burden to them all. I have no husband and my boyfirend of 3 years is about to drop me becasue he has had enough too. I cant be a mother, i cant be a girlfriend. I have no love and support around me and trying to stay positive and hopeful that i will get some of my life back seems in never land.

    shazzy
  2. leokat

    leokat New Member

    You're having a real rough time of it right now aren't you?
    (((((hugs))))). With so much going on you really need to take one thing at a time and to do something nice for you.

    I find myself in a similar situation to yourself. I have no husband, no SI and most of my friends have abandoned me. I also have a teenage daughter who's 18.

    *Sigh* one of the hardest life lessons I've learned from having this DD is that you soon discover friends and family have their limitations.

    If I am completely honest with myself I can fully understand why my friends and family are not around as much as they used to be. I am not the person I was. Oh on the inside I am, I still WANT to do all the things I used to when my health was at its best. However, on the outside I must seem like a totally different person. This must be frightening and confusing for them. I'm sure they don't know what to do for the best. Also. most of them have busy lives of their own.

    I have to admit my daughter is very supportive but I try to hide a lot of what I'm going through from her. I don't want to overburden her (though I know I am). One thing I am sure of is that I AM my daughters mother and that is one thing FM CANNOT take away from me. True I may not be quite the mother I wanted or intended to be but I AM her mother and that's what counts most of all. One of the few upsides for me of being mostly confined to home is that I am here for my daughter when she needs me and that I can do a lot of the mumsy things that a lot of working mums can't.

    Shazzy teenagers are notoriously selfish. I'm sure your kids don't mean to be hard and unkind (or maybe they do and it's just a phase). Even your 21 year old is still relatively young and has little experience of life . When I think back to how I was at that age I can see that I was totally self centred. They must be frightened and confused by what is going on for you. Do they have people they can talk to? Adults they can go out and do *normmal* stuff with? Could you maybe get some councelling and/or help so you don't have to lean so heavily on them?

    I'm tempted to say that if your b/f doesn't want to be around you're well rid but I know it's not that easy. Have you talked with him about his and your expectations? Could the two of you maybe have relationship councelling?

    Also you really ought to talk with your doctor (if he's sympathetic - if not get another one) and try to sort out your pain meds and talk about how sad you're feeling. There are things (conventional meds, natural remedies) that might help. You don't have to be in as much pain as you are and there are things that can help with your mood.

    It is horrid to feel helpless, down, and in pain and to feel one has no one to turn to isn't it? But please believe me things WILL get better. I don't know and can't tell you what coping strategies you will develop. Some find a hobby they can focus on, some have their faith, many find support on boards like this one.

    Try to be kind to yourself.
    leo.

  3. Fibromiester

    Fibromiester New Member

    My Turn?

    I have 3 kids. Boy, 20yr, loafing at home,...Boy, 24yr, last year at college living at home----these two are good kids, do housework for me, but push me into yelling at them to get it done or to do it right,lately, I've given up.
    And I've got a married girl in next state, who is my pet, but lately has been "siding" with her dad "against" me...My hubby is going through MENopause, and is just ignoring me, not loving me, gives me a check for the Dr's Appt. but never asks how did it go...he's either at work or in the newspaper or asleep. I almost left him, but then I'd be a Bag-Lady, so here I have a couch and food!
    I can't be a mother, I can't be a wife. I have no love, no support~~I think that's why I come here, Shazzy. ***I meet people like YOU**** Who I can relate to- who I like to talk to, who I can say- Hey, I'm Hurting, can you help me? We have a lot in common, and can say Hey, There's a Tomorrow!
    What do you like to do as a hobby, Shazzy? Do something today that will make You smile inside. And get back with me, here or my e-mail, I'll do something "positive" for me, too. Because I Don't feel like doing any thing either. I really don't get out of my pajama's most days.{or if I get up & showered, I go to bed in my clothes!!!}LOL
    Write me back
    Love
    Fibromiester
  4. joannie1

    joannie1 New Member

    We love ya babe. Big soft hugs to you my dear....
    I am sorry that your children are like this with you. I could never dream of doing such a thing. I know that sometimes with our DD we feel very weak and vulnerable but you are their Mother, you need to demand respect from them. One day when out of the blue you need to turn to your children and say when you all have felt blue and needed love, a just or just a simple hug, or a little I love you I have always been there for you. Could you please repay me with the same effection and kindness. Explain to them that sometimes you needing to feel loved is better then any magic cure. Because if the heart isn't filled with love you can't heal anywhere not when you hurt everywhere including your heart. You should truly think about doing this. I hope that this will help you. keep your chin up and always think tomorrow is another day and let's pray that it is better then today.
    Take care and we are all here filled with love for each other.
    Big hugs,
    Joannie
  5. kredca4

    kredca4 New Member

    You have lots of Love and Support right here.
    Kid's, are kid's no matter if your sick or not, they are unique in their own world, and it does center around Them.

    Dosen't mean they don't Love you, I'm sure they do, it's just that you all are going through a tough time.
    The trouble with these Syndromes, is that it effects the whole Family. We carry the Pain, and Fatigue, but they have to live with our being out of sort's, and they haven't a clue of how to help their Mother.

    Just Hug them, Love them, and talk to them, about anything and everything. I know when my Son was a Teen, it was like pulling teeth to get him to Open up about anything.
    Except for Computer's, then he never shuts up, lol.

    Hope you feel Perkier today, I hate for Friends to feel down, so I'll say a Prayer for you, I'd come over and get after thoes kids, but there is that Big Ocean to cross, so tell them their Lucky, lol. Love Kids, really, your Blessed, I wanted a bunch, but I was Blessed to have the one Son I have. Dam dd anyway.
    I do have a Ton of Niece's and Newphew's, going on to the second gereration of them now. Boy did they grow up fast.


    God Bless you,
    sharon
  6. sarahfemme

    sarahfemme New Member

    Shazzy, the fct that your children-teenagers!!!-do the housework, grocery shopping, etc is support! Teenagers are necessarily at the emotional center of their own world and often not able to realy see when another nt of their peer group needs a hug or word of love, so you must take the step of asking for that on a bad day. As for youbf, if he can't support you NOW, I wouldn't expect much support later. I'm sorry you feel alone-you need to find a support group. Boards like these are great and there are often CFIDS/FMS or other types (Parents Without Partners, etc) to be found. A good place to start is to call a local church or mental health center. In the meantme, you can vent here all you need to! We've all experienced the loneliness that FMS can bring.
    soft hugs

    -Sarah
  7. marta

    marta New Member

    Dear Shazzy,

    Your post rang a loud bell with me. Yesterday was the first day in over six months that I was able to spend some time with human beings in a caring envioronment. I really understand where you're coming from.

    Yes, teenagers are selfish and self-centered - they're busy growing into people - but knowing that may not be much comfort for you when you so badly need compassion and love. I understand why my children and friends seldom call; I know that they just don't understand my illness, but that doesn't help the extreme loneliness. Living alone magnifies this feeling but since living with others requires even more energy in the meeting of expectations I'm not sure that it's much improvement.

    The thing is, being entrenched in our health, even when our goal is to heal, is a very narrow a path to walk. We may be determined to regain health but in our very determination is a built-in self-centeredness that others eventually sense and feel. Even caring places like this board keeps our focus on our health - and on ourselves. Others like your daughters sense our self-focus and draw back from it seeing only the self-absorption. It's a Catch-22; the harder we try to find answers, the more time we spend focused on ourselves and the less (time and energy) we have to share with anyone.

    I think our only hope is to find ways to get outside ourselves and our illness to give to others. I know that for us this is no easy task, yet only in selfless giving of love can we hope to receive it. I have found that without that continuum, the well quickly runs very dry.

    Sending a big hug,
    Marta


    [This Message was Edited on 04/21/2003]
  8. Betsy2

    Betsy2 New Member

    ((((((((((((Shazzy))))))

    Your teens care about you very much. Just like you, they long for the days when you were "normal". If they didn't love and respect you, they wouldn't be doing the grocery shopping and cleaning. Sometimes it is difficult to read the way young people really feel because they don't express their true feelings verbally. They are going through a maturation process right now and are centered on themselves for the time being with no regard for feelings of others except those in their close circle of friends. Take heart, they will soon realize how much they value you in a matter of years. Always, remember you have us here to turn to. I have decided that no one understands our DD like those who have it. Not even physicians can know what we are going through. Find yourself a good joke website, read a book or magazine, do needlepoint or cross-stitch (very therapeutic), etc. Try to get your mind off your problems with the children and this DD. Keep your chin up!!
  9. stillafreemind

    stillafreemind New Member

    sorry you are feeling so down. I think we all get in these funks from time to time. The trick is not to stay there, huh?

    Someone said your teenagers ARE supporting you .. by the work they do around the house. I tend to agree with them. They are taking care of you the best way they know how maybe. On the emotional end of things..heck we, as adults, do not always know how to handle the emotional things in this life..let alone kids knowing how to.

    I am not on my first marriage..and my poor husband has not known anything different than what he has now with me. I was not as stricken the first year..think stress due to new marriage and father dying and sister ignoring the family has definitely put my symptoms in high gear on and off for the last few years.

    Sometimes I think Dr. Phil has something .. when he says..sometimes you have to be your own support system. I think that is especially true when it comes to emotional well being. I think we have to try and conquer that..usually on our own..whether it be by faith and trust in the Lord, or meds, or meditation, whatever..I think we have to make that journey alone sometimes. And I am also a big believer in loving yourself..comes in handy when those you need it from are not handy or do not understand.

    I hope for you some peace of mind. And I hope for you a huge amount of HOPE .. I know we all need that.

    Hoping you take time to love yourself today Shazzy and realize your worth as a person and a child of God.
    ...Sherry
  10. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    (((Hugs))) (((Hugs))) and more ((Hugs))). Its such a hard path we all have. I`ve felt all the things you`re going through and I know how hard it is. Nobody understands us except other people with Fm. I`ve often wish I had one friend with Fm living close by that I could have to share this hardship with. But thank God for the internet. At least we have our friends here right?

    I think the problem with your kids is that they are teenagers like others said and going through that selfish, self absorbed stage. Not much is going to change there until they get older.

    All I can tell you is too keep hanging in there. I think you will improve again. I was bedridden with this too at different times and I always eventially improved again.
    I have both Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. Keep searching and you will find something that will work for you.

    I`m saying a prayer for you that God will give you peace with this illness and that he will lighten your heavy load.
    I also always pray that if we can`t be cured that God give us a few little miracles along the way to help us through this. God bless you Shazzy!


  11. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I'm impressed your kids do the shopping, cooking & housework!!! I think that's quite an accomplishment for teenagers! But, I know while you appreciate that, it's the little thoughtful things you are talking about, the gestures they could be doing to show that they understand & support you.....the teenage years are so hard though, even with no illness in the household. Often teens can't express themselves like we'd want them to; they often have confused feelings THEY don't understand, let alone trying to explain how they feel to someone else. Maybe doing all the housework is a way to at least show you they can pick up the slack, even though they can't show their appreciation for you in other ways. I think, too, that underlying the resentful comments from our kids, there is often fear that this is more serious than you are letting on, or that you'll be gone someday......if our doctors don't often even understand how this illness works, can we expect kids to? So there may be some fear there that [being teenagers & all] they aren't going to express but it comes out in other ways. Try to remember they aren't always going to be this age; I appreciate my parents so much more now with the gift of hindsight, than I did when I was in my confused, tumultuous teenage years. And come to us anytime you are feeling a lack of support & understanding------that's a given here!!

    Hugs,
    Pam
  12. Majesta

    Majesta New Member

    Hi shazzy

    I can relate to you Ihave 4kids one 42 ,38 , 33, and 30

    They all have there own lives, doe'nt mean that they don't
    care ,it's that they don't know how to react to that disease
    cause we don't know ourself most of the time.I think if your children are helping around the house that is a big help
    Your probably going through a bad period another,day pretty soon the sun will shine again. Your not alone hang in there

    TaKE CARE GOD BLESS X0X0XOX

  13. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I know how you feel about no support.That is why I come to sites like this,they are my support.I have found that family members do not want to hear how you really feel.I have often prayed for God to send me someone who cares when I cry.You know what I mean,a shoulder to cry on.My husband has never been there for me when I feel bad.When I cry I go to the other end of the house.This won't help you but please know that you aren't alone.I am beside you in thoughts.((((((((hugs))))))))))
  14. lucky

    lucky New Member

    I am sad and sorry that you are feeling deserted and so down because nobody cares. I also have been there - and although the people around me have not changed that much - over the years I changed.
    I started out with getting CFS first and later FMS also with teenage kids around the house and your plight reminds me too well at my own despair at that time.
    We need people to talk to - and that's what you need right now, a nice caring and soft shoulder to lean on.
    If you have a support group in your home town - I am sure they will be able to help you with the proper infos and also people in the same boat as us here on the board are the best support one can get. Also a good doctor will provide you with the necessary medications, if needed.
    Hope, you will be feeling better soon - and best wishes,
    Lucky
  15. OuchyMama

    OuchyMama New Member

    Hi Shazzy,
    i can totally relate to what you are saying, this dd has been a terrible strain on all my relationships. My marriage has really been strained. I have been going to counseling due to the isolation and depression. My counselor did give me one great piece of information. Men are action oriented and since they cannot fix us they become angry. The anger is that they feel they are failing us in someway. So keep the faith and you can always come here for a kind word. Best to you and your family .
    OuchyMama
  16. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    Shazzy,

    I have been in the position that your kids are in. My mother is in remission from cancer, has degenerative disks, and fibro. She can rarely get out of bed. I have waited on her for years. Now, I am also the one who has become bedridden. I still try my best to do things from time to time for her when I feel OK. It can be hard. Sometimes I do get annoyed when she asks me to do things for her. But at the same time, I can now fully understand how truly helpless that she is. No one can possible understand untill you go through this yourself. I think it would be a really good idea to sit down and talk to your kids. Ask them how they feel about everything. My sister is very overwhelmed by having to take care of my mother and actually went behind her back to look into getting an at-home-nurse. It's not easy to be in their shoes. It can be hard when they are trying to have their own lives, and they have to take their time out for you. But that is what family is all about!! You raised them since they were babies!! Now, you are the one who needs help!! Communication is the key to all of this. My mother has told me so many times how she feels bad that I have given so much up for her. But it is worth it to me, and I don't regret anything that I have ever done for her. We are very close. You have us here anytime you need a little love or a pick-me-up. This is a wonderful place for that. I feel bad whining to my Mom, knowing that she is going through enough herself. But I think that we have come to a healthy balance. I hope this helps. Keep your head up and remember that YOU ARE LOVED!!

    LOVE A BBBIIIGGG HUGS!!!!
    Kathryn
  17. Criket

    Criket New Member

    Sorry you are feeling so low, Shazzy. I know how you feel. I have a 16 yr. old daughter & 13 yr. old son. It is normal for teens to not understand your feelings. It is hard for an adult to understand and teens just aren't mature enough to. Teens are learning who they are and dealing with all kinds of emotions & feelings. The fact that they do so much for you shows they love you. When I am feeling really down physically & emotionally and feeling lonely, I talk to my Lord, Jesus. When Paul asked God to remove the thorn in his side, the Lord said, "I work best through your weaknesses." I have relied on this. I tell God that if He isn't going to make me better, then please carry me through this. He always does. I also ask those in my church to pray for me for strength & good health. Are you a Christian, Shazzy? I will pray for you. GOD IS GOOD ~ ALL THE TIME!!! He just wants us to rely totally on Him & He will see us through.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/21/2003]
  18. Shazzy

    Shazzy New Member

    Thank you all so very much for your response. Thank you for showing that you care even when you only know my name and my illness.

    Love to you all,

    shazzy
  19. truthseeker67

    truthseeker67 New Member

    Forgive me if I repeat many of the same thoughts as many have posted - but I must agree that especially for teenagers your children are quite supportive. Let's face it many "adults" don't even understand or know how to help us.

    I am glad you have found this board. People here obviously care and are supportive. What a blessing in todays world.

    May I ask, are you able to find a local support group for FM/CFS? If you are interested contact your local Arthritis Foundation and they can let you know about FM coping classes (may have scholarships?) or support groups. Also, what about reaching out to a local meals on wheels, a church, or synagogue? There are many people who love to serve and help others through challenging times, but you must let them know of your needs.

    You can't depend on one or two people to fulfill all of your needs. Your children may not know how to be there for you emotionally, but they certainly do love and support you through there actions.

    May you find strength, wisdom, comfort, and hope.

    Blessings,
    Truth