I Have nowhere to turn

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Beachtrekker1, Oct 8, 2006.

  1. Beachtrekker1

    Beachtrekker1 New Member

    I am fairly new here and I don't even know where to start. I have been hurt so many times by people I have basically become a recluse. The few people who know just the tip of my journey say I should write a book, Boy, if they only knew all of it.
    This is my shortest, "Readers Digest Version," I ask for your patience...I think I have always had the Fibro like most of us. Textbook child abuse, I was the lucky child. Mother had chronic pain, she had been my abuser and watched her so I was always terrified it would happen to me. Married my first and only love, met at 15, married at 19, had 2 wonderful children. All I wanted in life was a husband who genuinally loved me and a family, and that I could be a wonderful mom and raise my own children. That's it, all that I wanted. One thing I was terrified of...chronic illness! I had 20+ years that I can trully say that I was completely fullfilled and my heart burst with joy.
    Then it began, symptoms started and to try to put it in a nutshell, my entire life collapsed around me and was pulled out from under me! Lost my husband to co-worker 15 years younger and healthy. He walked out on us and didn't look back, he had a new family now. My daughter was 12 & my son 15 and they adored their dad. This man who wast the best husband, best dad, best friend, best Christian turned into "pure evil" overnight. He divorced me and I was going through so much, as my children went into deep depressions, one suicidal. I was pushing myself so hard I almost died, still was not diagnosed. My parents passed away a few years earlier and my only brother was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. My ex forced me into joint bankruptcy, stuck me with back taxes ,eventually lost our home. Had been diagnosed with severe Fibro and because I was being hit with trauma after trauma and having to handle it basically handle it on my own, they could only help me with the symptoms. They were my rock, them and God! Alot of other things transpired, but climaxed when they found 2 tumors in me after losing my family to cancer. My ex had basically lived with my family, he knew what I was facing, he knew I could not work, and I had nowhere to live, as I would not burden my friends. I had no money left for legal help. But he took me to court to terminate my support immediately! I will never forget that day sitting their alone, listening to the judge and his attorney trying to reason with him. But he replied that he was adamant and wanted it to terminate immediately. Unfortunately, my first attorney ( we went to court several times) misrepresented me so badly that I was advised to sue her for malpractice, but was just too ill to do so...Major regret! And due to some terminology He was able to terminate it. I had 4 months to have my surgery, sell what I could and find a place to live. They were benign. My 20 year old daughter took me in, neither of us had much. My son was just getting married. I had to relocate leaving my doctor, friends, etc. And we all know what it's like to find a new doctor! It's been a few years now that I have had to live with my daughter, 5 to be exact. She never complains, but my health has deteriorated so badly, as my body had taken so much stress. I am in bed most of the time, have no one to talk to, don't have a car anymore and am soooo sick and in so much physical and mental pain. I used to be so active and intelligent, now I can barely make it to the bathroom some days and can hardly do my own checkbook...I am at the end of myself, I so desperately need someone to talk to, someone to just hold me, as it is hard for my daughter to be close to me or listen, I understand, as I was the same way with my mom. I am just so alone. I want it to be terminal so at least I would have an expiration date to either be well or with my God, free of pain and not a burden on my children. And could have all the pain meds I needed. But even if the pain is the same and you suffer the same, but it's not, "terminal," you just suffer for days, months, and years...I am sorry that this is so long, but I really need you and I am so scared that you won't want me...
  2. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    There are alot of wonderful people on this board. You are not alone and can turn to this board anytime you need.

    When you don't feel like typing just read, you'll usually run across something you are dealing with too.

    You do have a heart breaking story, thankfully you also have God. Talk to Him and listen to Him.

    Hugs for you {{{{{YOU}}}}}

    Please take care and vent all you want here - someone's usually around to listen and respond.

    Susan07

    P.S. Not sure why you made the statement that we "wouldn't want you". Fortunately there are no beauty or personality tests so I'm sure we'll all get along just fine.
  3. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Have you applied for SSDI or anything? Your depression is also holding you down. Please see a Dr. right away for this.

    A few months from now you might look back with awe and wonder of how bad it was then and how thankful you are now.

    Take baby steps. Go outside when you can and just sit awhile. Or take a small walk.

    When you can go a few places. I do not know where you live, or what is available, but maybe you could afford a bus or taxi once in a while. Doing this will make life easier.

    Do not watch the news.depressing. Only fun or funny things on TV. Find something you are interested in that makes you feel good. You can do it. Maybe a little at a time. But make some goals. Do not over push yourself.

    I am very tired and not thinking well. But honest, have faith and work at doing little things so you are not in a rut. Find a Dr. that can help you more. Explain what you are going through. There is financial help out there for
    you.

    Depression makes you hurt more and feel bad. I wish I had a magic wand for you............Blessings for you and that great daughter of yours.....Gentle Hugs........Susan
  4. natrlvr2

    natrlvr2 New Member

    I do understand.I was into my 3rd yr. of fighting for disability and my now ex,divorced me and tried to prove me an unfit mother,just so he did not have to pay me child support.I had an idiot lawyer,but luckily I saw how much of an idiot he was before I went back to court.I worked my butt off finding proof of what a good mom I really was.If it was not for retaining placement of my son,I would not have even had child support to live on.(I would also be in prison for murder)
    I survived on less than $400 a month for 3 more yrs.(took me 6 yrs. to win my claim)I could write a book too,especially on the judicial system and the county system.(meaning child protection)
    You are nto alone,many people will understand the crappy cards we are dealt.
  5. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Thee are lots of nice people here to talk to and exchange stories, info, jokes, etc.

    Are you seeing a dr.? Are you taking antidepressants? It is hard to think straight when we are depressed.

    Do you need financial help? Contact the state/county welfare office? Are you collecting Soc. Sec. benefits?

    I know it's hard to do these things when we are depressed and don't have much energy. Perhaps your daughter can help or a church volunteer.

    Good luck.
  6. juliejo

    juliejo New Member

    Hi there beachtrekker1,
    Re- I have nowhere to turn.!!!!!

    Well you have found somewhere and that is here.
    You have made the first step in asking for help.

    I have read your story above twice and see that you have had a lot of trauma in your life to say the least.

    All i will say that you must see a Doctor immediatley and tell him exactly how you feel as you do sound in my opinion very depressed. I don't mean to patronise you in any way so apologies if i come accross that way.

    I too felt like taking my own life almost four year's ago now as i to was in so much pain and very ill indeed.
    I too went through alot of truama and think my body said enough and just shut down.

    I went into a severe state of depression and took to my bed as i just could'nt see a life living with Fm/cfs and other health problems.
    I too have had cancer scares as well.

    Now four year's on i have a wonderful life albeit a different one. It has taken me until the past year to get here but with help and support of your Gp and visiting here at any time of the day or night you will alway's get some support. Don't every feel alone you hear!!!!!!!!!.

    As for saying you won't want me well i you have had some fantastic replies already as we all understand how you feel and are there to help.

    Please come back and let us all know how you feel.

    I don't post much now but i do come on here and other site's even if just to read the posting's.
    It just make's you feel you are not alone.

    You take care and god bless you.

    Julie jo.



  7. myalgiamania

    myalgiamania New Member

    Just a quick note. i think you will find the chat room a wonderful place to be. its like talking to friends on the phone sort of. we laugh, we cry, we complain, but most of all we share our thoughts and problems together with a mutual feeling of hope for eachother. there is so much love and support you would think you are talking to your sister cause we are all sisters.
    so when you pull up the prohealth website, you will see a few areas that say chat. just click on and sign up and start having fun.

    also, i go to the worship room. you just click on message boards, sometimes you have to click it once and it will go to a screen then click on it again. worship is the last topic on the bottom. we all pray for eachother and we also have prayer night on thursdays and prayer requests.

    many of my problems have been solved or addressed very well here. good luck and God Bless. ((((HUGS))))

    sometimes just being there for others makes you feel better about yourself too. it is gratifying to comfort other women that suffer as you do. it is not the end of the world. you can still feel good about yourself.
  8. maedaze

    maedaze New Member

    HI! and love your name. I love the beach too, although I havn't been there for over 5 yrs now, even though its only an hour and a half's drive away. Like you this disease has affected my body so bad that any more than half an hour in the car is pure agony. But I still like remembering it and know I will get back there again.. Like you will too.

    I know how you feel when this is not terminal and so no final date to fight from or look forward too. And when the pain is unrelenting it is soo hard to be motivated about anything. I suffer sever migraines too and I just want a rest from my head, no medication is working for me anymore. Neurologist is trying all sorts but nothing is helping yet, my doctor wants me to find a new one as I have too many problems for her to deal with!! I know, there are some 'charming' people out there arent there!!

    What area are you in? Someone here might be able to help you locate a local support group for you and they can help getting you a decent doctor. - Thats what i am doing to find myself a doc who will treat me. They might be able to sort out other things you are entitled to as well.

    Start your new future today, you've already done something positive and thats joining here, and of coarse we all want you here, we are on a path to wellness - unfortunately it's not the highway! But we are on the path and thats the main thing and yes we want you to join us.

    you probably don't think you have much to offer, but i assure you, you do. After a life like yours and the illnesses you are dealing with you will be surprise how many questions you can answer for people here needing help.
    We need you as much as you need us to slay this dragon we are all fighting.

    Look forward to talking to you on other posts and eventually for a walk along the beach... i pick up shells, I don't know why but i always come home with a bag of shells and never know what to do with them.. I've got them in bags in my bedroom been there for years and still havn't come up for a use for them- any ideas? Spose i should watch Martha, she probably makes lampshades out of them or something spactacular!

    Don't like the woman, she makes like living out of a magizine look so easy, everything in its place, whip up a 10 course meal and still have time to arrange picked flowers and mow the lawns befor guests arrive!!

    I'm haveing a great day if i can throw a frozen lasagna in the oven, I then pull off a few lettuse leaves (for the healthy balance of coarse, and well thats dinner. My boys are wow we are having real dinner tonight!! Sad but true.

    If you don't laugh you have to cry and crying brings on more migraines,,,,,,,, so thats out.. so laugh it is.

    I also write down things i like or amuse me when i am not so bad so that when things are really out of control pain wise you can focus on some good things that you like or are greatful for. I have on my list my big toenails don't hurt! Well they don't so i concentrate on them hoping the rest of the body will get the hint and be more like them and not hurt too. If my knees don't hurt i add that in too.

    Well you take care of your self and sorry this is so long, i start rambling - verbal diareah my husband calls it.!

    Take good care of yourself and hope we both find great doctors :eek:)

  9. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    After you log in, your login status is on the upper right. Next to it is Edit Profile. Please give us your profile so we can see where you live. There may be live FM support groups near you.

    I hope we hear from you today so we can all be a little more specific in helping you.

    Take care my prayers are with you,
    Susan07
  10. halo52208

    halo52208 New Member

    Please don't give up. God is with you and he brought you here where you will find lots of friends. He brought me here and I love this place. This site has helped me in more ways than I could ever imagin.

    My son couldn't get rid of his warts in order to get into the Army. He got his ticket here, because they told him to try duct tape and it worked. Even the Doctor was shocked as he had given up on them because he couldn't get them to stay away. I have learned a lot from here and am forever greatful.

    The best gift I have gotten here is the friends that I never knew I could have. This site has great support monitors that protect us from people who could do damage with our information.

    I have not been on much lately because I too have been going down hill and don't have enough enrgy to sit at the computer. Then some days I just read and watch the post. They are full of helpful info.

    I will keep you in my prayers and hope this site helps you in what your needing. Even if somedays all you need to do is vent, there is great ears here for that. I have done so a couple of times. They know when to just listen and when you need advice.

    Lots of Love and Soft Hugs,

    Halo
  11. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    But you just did!

    The human spirit is a fabulous thing, isn't it? Here you are, at the very depths, the worst you could imagine having happened to you, and you had the strength to find this board and to ask for help.

    My heart aches for all you've been through, my friend. Now that you've hit bottom, use it to push off for the top again. You may not live the life you had before but it will be a good life. You'll see to that.

    Hugs,
    Marta
  12. pw7575

    pw7575 New Member

    Hold on...we all understand what you are going through. This illness really puts us through something but we can get through it. Don't give up on yourself. I know how awful and hard it can be to get through the day when you feel depressed and frustrated and sick and alone, but you are not alone and you can get through it. We are here for you and this board is full of amazing people who have so much support and information to offer you. We want you here and need you here because when we have each other we can help each other and we know that we are not alone.

    So please hold on and pray and we will pray for you too. Come back and talk to us because we WANT to hear from you!

    Pam
  13. fieldmouse

    fieldmouse New Member

    I cried reading your story. I am so sorry for all your pain. Just remember that there is always someone here for you to talk to, joke with, and most of all....TO VENT....lol....we all need that. Just stay around and you will see...People here are the best ever. Here to help, support and love all of us...Hang in there and I am sure it will get better...God Bless....~~HUGS!~~...Mick!!
  14. marsupialmama

    marsupialmama New Member

    this is a great board with friendly and knowldgeable folks.

    I too am sorry to learn of all you have been through. I hope you get some relief soon.

    I agree with others - please see someone for the depression soon. If not a doc or a psych, maybe someone at your place of worship can help?

    Take care and come back soon - you can ask Qs about the DD (darn disease) or hang out at the "open porch" and "open barn" for friendly chat :)
  15. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    You need to learn to talk to yourself in Positive talk.
    Give yourself what you are not able to get from others right now.
    You are a good person BELIEVE that. Love yourself and God with all your heart. Be your own best friend and start giving yourself advice you would to a very best friend.

    You are in a very depressed state ,seek out Mental health care we all at sometime need that .These DD's are very hard to deal with. Antidepressant drugs can wake you up enough to look at life in a different way and give you hope.

    You need a new start begin today .Go to your bathroom wash your face and look at yourself .YOU CAN DO THIS. Call a church ask for help if one can not help, call another.
    Find someone who has gone threw divorce and can help you find some type of aid.

    Get up everyday and look outside a different window. Count your blessings, add something new everyday.If your weather is good Open a window and breath clean fresh air.Rest but when you start thinking of anything negative tell yourself that was yesterday today is different. I'm different.

    Whens the last time you got your haircut ? Have your daughter check around with friends and find someone who will cut it for free.

    Gather up your old cloths take them to a thrift shop ask if they will let you exchange two for one. Talk to the manager explain you have no money and need some new things to help with your depression and getting a new start .(this sounds nuts but try it)

    Turn your TV off lesson to music ,change your routine everyday.Things will get better but you have to take a first step.Do not look back unless it is to remember a lesson learned .Come here and read when you can .Vent ,get silly ,what ever helps, but remember You are in charge of your life. Only you can decide to get out of bed and get the help you need.

    You can do this I know you can because you already came here today, that was your first step. This is a beginning now .like the person said above everyone is welcome here.
    Let us know what you are doing everyday that is Positive it gives us all HOPE.You see you will be helping someone else to .We all are in search of a health life.We all help each other.
    You are in my Prayers.
    Ann




  16. myalgiamania

    myalgiamania New Member

  17. findmind

    findmind New Member

    Oh, my gosh, won't want you??? We need you! You have so many life experiences to share, even though they are very sad and traumatic. We will love you anyhow...

    I would like to ask you to get out of bed, do the other things people here have said, (especially the dr. you need to get on an antidepressant to help you) and just one other thing.

    Think of your daughter. If she ever gets FM (or CFS), she will need your role model to follow. If this can motivate you, please use it to begin anew right now. You asked for help, and many of us have been there and back around again, so please let us lift you up and help you find your way again. ok?

    We love you, do you know that? We feel your pain and we care about you. Please give that love back by taking one step right now that will lead you back to a new life for you and your daughter.

    Ok, ONE SMALL STEP, everyone, imagining holding on to beachtrekker and walking her along with us.....

    OK, here we begin...
    Love,
    findmind
  18. Amslave

    Amslave New Member

    You have found a great group of people here, Beachtrecker, I'm new and they have made me feel so much better. Often just reading the posts help so much it is unbelievable. I believe that you need to consider what a wonderful job you did with you daughter, she opened her home to you, you raised a loving and giving girl, thats not an easy thing to do anymore.

    Don't give up! I used to wish they would find a tumor on my back just so it would be over one way or another, I'm sure everyone has stories like that. Just think of the little things in life that make it good that day, even it's just a good cup of coffee.

    You really need to see your doc though. There is no reason to feel this way for as long as you have, I still get down and depressed( as everyone here knows) but Things do get better.

    My prayers are with you, God will see you through your dark tunnel.

    Jen

  19. Mini4Me

    Mini4Me New Member

    My gosh, you've been through a lot!! My best friend who is battling cancer in Reno has a story very similar to yours. She lost her oldest son to a motorcycle accident when he was just 13, her hubby ran out on her after being unfaithful for years, she was left with 2 sons to raise on her own, now she's battling cancer and her youngest son just left for Iraq 2 months ago!

    We are here for you! I know that awful "forever in pain" feeling. It is so overwhelming!
    Sending Love and Hugs...
    Mini
  20. jole

    jole Member

    Wow! I look at the amount of responses you are getting and that alone should boost your spirits! You have touched our souls and we want to help. You are part of us, and and as someone said, we will lift you up and carry you until you are strong enough to stand on your own.

    Take good care of yourself, but remember we are the strongest of them all to deal with these DDs, and we CAN overcome, at least to a point. So even though it might not feel like it right now, continue to try - baby steps - will turn into a little bigger steps and soon you will be able to cope better.

    Friends - Jole