I Hesitate To Post This

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Hippo, Apr 14, 2003.

  1. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    The last time I posted, I was in pretty bad shape and I got bashed. Unfortunately, my constitution is poor and I don't seem to have the thick skin needed to withstand bashing. I will try one more time. The difficulty I am having now is that my children do not respect me because I am so ill and they know that I do not have the strength to follow through very well on discipline. My SIL who has no clue says "Just insist," but they blow me off. I can't really think of a solution, since my physical problems prevent me from being an effective parent. Any thoughts?

    Hippo
  2. babyblues68

    babyblues68 New Member

    I'm right there with you. I have 3 children. Two live with me 4 & 5. My stepson is 8 and lives with his mother...though we're in the middle of a custody battle. More work for me, but he deserves better. Even with my sickness we can provide for him better.

    Sometimes my kids know when I'm having a really bad day and don't push. They'll say ok mommy I'll wait til your meds kick in then we'll play. Sad for a 4 & 5 year old to say, but they know I'm hurting. I've explained as much as I can for their level. Then there are days when they run right over me, but I'm sure "normal healthy people" experience the same thing to a point. It's hard to follow thru when all you want to do is lay in a hot QUITE bath or just lay on a heating pad on the couch. Then the brother sister fights start....he took my....she hit me...and so on. I have to just chalk it up to part of parenthood.

    Hippo we're only human with some extra defects. Do the best you can. Talk to your kids about what you go thru. I don't know how old your kids are but the most important thing is communicate...even when we don't feel like it. We might not be able to run around like soccer mom of the year, but we can talk. Let your kids know how important they are (not saying that you don't) and you want to be there for them to teach them right. I guess my best response is talk,talk,talk.

    Many Prayers,
    Tammy
    [This Message was Edited on 04/14/2003]
  3. LadyDragon

    LadyDragon New Member

    Buy a gun and shoot at their feet!!!....... Just kidding, but made u laugh...I have wonderful kids who help me when I am flaring (which has been often of late),,,,,
    Good luck to u,
    Lady Dragon
  4. babyblues68

    babyblues68 New Member

    You made me laugh
  5. Megster

    Megster New Member

    Just wondering how old your kids are. I have a nine year-old, and in some ways she's great about this DD, and in some ways not so great. She's often sympathetic, and I know that she is concerned about what's going on with me (she did a science project on "Those Nasty Knotted Muscles" when I was first coming to grips with actually being dx'd with the Fibromyalgia, but I steared her more toward the Chronic Myofacial Pain side, which has more hope of resolution. Didn't want to scare her with the info I'd found on Fibro which said it was something I'd have to deal with all my life (cause I sure was getting scared)!

    Anyway...rambling again. She does tend to take advantage on the days that the fibrofog is really bad, but I think any kid would. There are certainly days when I feel like I have to put in more than I have to give to get her to do what she's supposed to, but I've learned that if I don't follow thru, it just gets worse and I'll have to expend even more energy that I just don't have. The best consequence that I've found is having her do work for me, (like folding laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom) and she can't do anything fun (play with friends, TV, computer, ect.) until it's done. My biggest assest is that if I don't have the energy, dh makes sure it gets done when he gets home (she still doesn't get and fun stuff before he gets home, but she great at just sitting in her room reading or doing nothing). If I remember right, you don't have that same advantage, and I'm sad for you that you don't. If you really feel that it's gettiing out of control, you may have to seek out help elsewhere, like counsling or a behavioral helth specialist. If you can't do it (and that's NOT a bad on you, just this DD), than you need to get intervention, the sooner the better for both you and for your kids. Being respectful to the parent is a MUST, but it's also a constant struggle (believe me, I know)! I've seen this not only as a parent, but also as an adolescent psych RN. Besides, they may need help dealing with their own fears and feelings about what this DD is doing to their mom.

    Wish I could help more, but I hope that what I have said does help some...

    Blessings,
    Meg
  6. donna13210

    donna13210 Member

    I appreciate your limitations since you are affected by this DD, believe me. But "how to get children to behave" is an age-old question, isn't it? Many experts have different opinions. All I can suggest is to read up on the subject, different methods work for different people.

    A couple of suggestions: I've personally experienced a DRAMATIC behavior change by my daughter when a counselor suggested I "make her feel more important". I designated one night as "her night", and only her, no other kids, no husband, no cancellations allowed (that was the REAL important part). She was permitted to pick what she wanted us to do: rent a movie, order pizza, shop at the mall, etc. WHAT A CHANGE IT CREATED! Worked like a charm. She was almost teenage and actually looked forward to our special night together! Plus she became less combative, actually nicer to be around. I was amazed!

    Second tip: Just saw a show tonight (Dateline, I believe?) where an expert suggested allowing the kids to participate more in decision-making. Picking their clothes out the night before (let them choose from several matched-up outfits, for instance) seems to reduce hassles in the morning about getting dressed. Letting them help with the grocery list encouranges better behavior in the store.

    You didn't mention their ages, but you might also try having a heart-to-heart with them. Try to explain to them how their behavior makes you feel by giving them examples they can relate to at their age levels. They may not be able to relate to adult words describing emotions, but can relate to what they felt during some actual or fictionalized situations.

    I'm no child behavioral expert by any means, but you asked for suggestions........

    GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes,
    Donna

  7. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    Hi Hon, sorry you are having such a bad time with the kids. I read your profile to see what your situation is....number of kids, ages, and if there was a spouse to help. So I am up on that end of it.

    I have four kids, and I learned ya got to hit em where it hurts! lol....You have 3 girls, bless your heart, girls are a crafty crew. Yours are plenty old to use the techniques below on. The good thing about them is they will require little effort on your part, since you are already feeling ill. Each kid is so different, at least mine where, I really had separate punishments for "non-compliance". My eldest son---if giving time out in his room was in glory land, it didn't phase him a bit. He's room was his castle so to speak. Unplug the Nintendo tho..and put it up for 3 days, and he was bending over backwards to be a jolly, helpful soul. By the way--HE had to undo all the connections and put it in my room.
    My next was a daughter, who was the most willful of my children and verbal, too! Time out in her room was excruciating for her. Telephone privledges being removed and putting a crimp in her social life was another very good technique for making her much more co-operative.
    My youngest just don't seem to try me as much, thankfully. I have on occassions taken their computer time away, slumber parties, etc. I tell them, all the games,phones, computers, etc. are privelegdes and extras that I provide. If you are not behaving, and helping with the household, then those priveledges are removed. I now have usually one of my four grandchildren with us, as my older kids are grown now, (I have a 12 and 15 yr. old at home). The same things apply. I am to be treated respectfully, and each one of the family is be treated respectfully. We are all in this together, and absolutely must help each other out. I do not do everything for the kids. They are expected to keep their rooms clean, fold their own clothes, often they was and dry their own clothes. They are very capable of cooking and the clean up that follows. They can run the vacumn, dust, feed pets. We all work together. Even my small grandkids pitch in an do the best job they can, they fold clothes, feed pets, wash dishes, clear the table, etc. They like having resposibilities actually.
    Hippo, I read that you were going through a horrid divorce. Have the kids seen a lack of respect on your husbands part, towards you? If this is the case, then it will be something you will probably have to work on, after he is out of the picture. A household where adults are nonrespectful usually breeds the same in the children, I believe. Maybe this will help the situation--and you can then begin to work on mutual respect, and the children helping cooperatively in the household.
    Best wishes,
    LL

  8. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    There are very good suggestions there....and I practice those too...especially the one on one time, and making a childs worth increase through being needed, and an important part of the family. They do seem to make the right decisions when they are placed in there hands, and can take pride in the outcome.

    Good ideas, Donna.
    LL
  9. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    My girls are 13, 9 and 9. The twins are ADHD/ODD/OCD, so they act more like about 5. I appreciate everyone's suggestions and I will let you know how we do. My Ex has exhibited a lack of respect not just toward me but toward the children as well. He thinks he's King of the World and the rest of us just don't measure up.

    Hippo
  10. Madelyn

    Madelyn New Member

    I was reading the thread with interest, being a mom of a few, and I would echo most of what Donna said. Especially the one on one time. It doesn't have to be fancy, just undivided attention and real interest and love.
    What really caught my attention, though, is the description of your dd's. You are really challenged there!! with the ADHD and esp. the ODD! Give yourself credit for what you've done. I know how extremely difficult ODD kids are: my oldest daughter (17) is too. My opinion judging only from my own situation is that the disrespect probably has nothing to do with your condition. They would have that attitude problem no matter what and may use your condition against you to deflect attention from their misbehaviour. I know my dd would chew her own leg off before she would admit responsibility for her own faults. It is always your fault, in their view. Give yourself credit for raising these kids-and on your own! I don't think I could cope with this one without my husband. You're probably doing an excellent job with a very difficult situation. My prayers are with you.
    Madelyn
    [This Message was Edited on 04/15/2003]
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I suggest some therapy, for you and for the children. I would find a doc who does family counseling. If this is not available, could you use school counselors or a counselor at the church?

    Children often act out when a family member is very ill. They don't have the skills to handle their anger and frustration at these ages. If their father is setting a horrible example, it doesn't help matters.

    If all else fails, is there a person, perhaps an aunt, an uncle, or a favority family friend who might consider talking to the kids?

    I know how hard it is when we are sick, but sometimes we just have to stand our ground. Children will push and push to see if we will set limits. We have to do this no matter how sick we are. Children feel more secure when they see that there are limits.

    Good luck to you and I hope you can get some help with this. Keep us informed.

    Love, Mikie
  12. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    Actually, we are all in therapy, and each girl has a mentor, which helps some. Thanks for the suggestions.

    Hippo
  13. mapessd

    mapessd New Member

    IN Oct.. i left my husband of 32 yrs and took our 13 and 6 yr old with me He showed no respect for any of us and never followed through with anything he promised the kids ,,and was never there when we needed him . So when i moved i told my kids have to start helping me out and they do some i think a little less than when we first moved .. Now he comes over and my son is so bad and direspectful to me .. and then his dad jumps in and tells my son you be good and don't act like that to your mom ,, and i get sooooo mad because he wasn't that way when we where at home and i feel like my son is making me look like a fool and that i have no controll over him
    I hope mine grows out of some of this
    Good luck
    Sue
  14. donna13210

    donna13210 Member

    I agree with the suggestion of counseling. Seeking outside help MAY help the kids realize, gee, this is really serious!Also, an outsider can observe things we are too close to see.

    Years ago, a counselor pointed out how I was trying to be more of a FRIEND to my daughter than a PARENT. (My ex had taken off when my daughter was about 2 yrs old). The
    "friend" vs "parent" thing had never occurred to me before! It shocked me and helped me, too.

    Thanks MIKIE for your thoughts about children acting out when a parent is ill. I hadn't thought about that, about them trying to handle the emotions. Good point!

    Take care Ms Hippo and keep in touch
    Donna
  15. Nellie2

    Nellie2 New Member

    Hello there. I read your post with great interest.

    This is how I understand your post.

    Number one is that you are not giving yourself enough credit for your efforts and your abilities. Second you are assuming that they are taking advantage of you because you are sick. And third, you are seeing yourself as not being a competent parent.

    The kids will behave no better than you expect in many cases. And my experience is that the more you point out the good things the children are doing the better they will feel about themselves. Boost up their self-confidence even if it seems like you really have to search for a reason. Say one kind thing to each child every day, then move on to twice a day, etc. And do the same for yourself. Start looking at yourself as if you were a friend of yours.

    I can't help but wonder if you are feeling so "low" going through all of this that you cannot remember how wonderful a parent you are.

    I was a child of divorce and I remember pushing and pushing and pushing to just get one minute of undivided attention. I was so angry that I was left and deserted. I would do anything just to get the feeling that someone was listening.
    I recall one of my parents "destroying" all respect for the other and badgering to make things worse. In the end, I ended up losing respect and my love for the parent that was emotionally abusive.

    I think you are a very devoted parent by the way that you ask questions and put yourself "out here" again.

    Be Gentle with Your Soul,

    Kathleen
  16. Nellie2

    Nellie2 New Member

  17. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    that I think I have romanticized the way it was.
    I was brought up an only child in a shame based
    home and "tried" to do a lot of things totally
    opposite of what my parents did. I had no responibility, no chores, no reason to "be" except to do well and provide comdedic relief I
    think. No emotions from anger to overly joyful
    were allowed. I was hard on my daughter at times
    and too hard at times. But, I loved her and I did all I could do with what I had. In my effort
    to make her independent and self sufficient so that she wouldn't ever have to feel dependent as
    I did, I did too good a job. Now after 10 years
    out of the house, her reply to my request that she "hang out" with me "part of a day once a month" was; "I never did like hanging out in the
    house. I like to go out and do things..etc.". So, I suppose my advice would just be to love
    them as much as you can, force yourself to be
    patient when you can, discipline when you can't,
    and hope they want to be around you when they
    grow up. It's a short short time though in the
    middle of it and in pain I know it sometimes
    seems endless. I personally believe in spanking
    when something happens, not the 1, 2, 3 thing over and over, or grounding etc., which kids forget why it's even being done after a short
    while. A spanking not a beating, is now, they
    know what it's for and it's over. Then a talk
    about you love them but not that behavior. I
    don't know any other way and I'm sure it's what
    I would do today. I also used the bible showing
    a child's only obligation is to obey their parents. Parents have the obligation to teach
    right from wrong with reasonable discipline. I
    know a lot of people disagree, but I've met more
    people who were spanked that say "it didn't kill
    me and I deserved it" and who are normal contributing people than the one's who say "my
    mom didn't care enough to discipline me" who are
    normal. The no spanking started in the 40's and
    50's with Spock. Many have come to think the book would have been better used as a paddle..I
    don't. Kids, even young, used to have chores,
    jobs even..a reason in the family. Too many run
    amok now as the little darlings while parents
    blindly say "My child wouldn't do that"..all I
    know for sure it's a very hard job and no matter
    how you do it you'll hear the mistakes you made
    someday. So again I say, love them, do the best
    you can and hope for the best. I really hope it
    works out for you...it's obvious you care!!
    Hugs, Bambi