I just don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by YoutubeJunkie, Nov 22, 2010.

  1. YoutubeJunkie

    YoutubeJunkie New Member

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now. We met when I was 13 and he was 21. We've had our issue but we usually worked them out. So anyways, we ended up breaking up a few months back for around 5 months. He broke up with me because he wanted to leave me for another girl. Which he had never met. And was on the internet. In a different country. He called me over at 5 am, on a sunday. With no buses running yet, I rode my bike an hour and a half in the rain and cold to get there at 6:30 am. He then comes on the porch, breaks up with me and retreats back into his house, leaving me there completely shocked. I was torn to pieces. I didn't understand what I did wrong or why he was leaving me for someone he'd never even met in his life. So during the time apart, I grew up some. I found that I was so attached to him. He engolfed every aspect of me. The way I talked, the way I acted where all learned behaviours from him. So I finally had some time to do some soul searching and figure out who the heck 'I' was. During our time apart, we would talk sparingly. Then one night he asks me to come see him, so we could talk. There was so much I wanted to say to him, so much I wanted to ask and get clarity on. When I got there, we went for a very long walk. He explained more in detail that he was depressed and this online girl gave him support (something that I suppose I wasn't giving him). He doesn't show his emotions very well so I didn't really notice that he wasn't feeling too well. I apologized and said I was sorry for not noticing or looking harder. I told him some of how I felt about the situation but kept most of it to myself for fear of his ridicule. Fear that he would insult me and tell me my worrys or feelings are stupid or unfounded. Like he usually did. We had a few more little nights like this. Just talking and such. But one night, we end up doing a few things. Basically light making-out. He didn't kiss me and I asked why. He tells me that he still loves me with all his heart, but he must remain truthful and loyal to this other girl. So he couldn't kiss me, but touching me and me touching him was okay. I was confused. How could he do these things with me, tell me he still loves me but still keep this blind loyalty to her? A couple months later, she drops off the face of the planet and starts to ignore him and avoid him. He gets angry with this and breaks it off with her. Then he comes rushing back to me. He says he's sorry and that he was confused. That she was just a big mistake and that he'll never take me for granted again. So we end up getting back together. Everything was good. We seemed happy. He seemed happy. We would make love like never before and have long talks just like we used to. I thought things were finally looking up. While we were seperated, he started talking to another girl that he had met on one of his online video games. He's one of those people who play online video games and such each and everyday, all day. That was the exact same way he met that other girl who disappeared on him. At frist, I tried not to think anything of it. One day, I asked about her. He said that she gave him the support he needed during our breakup and that they're really good friends. I thought, "Alright. She's just a friend then, No big deal. I've got an online guy friend. No biggie.". But soon they started to talk nonstop. They would play video games all day and night and talk and talk and talk. When I would come over to visit him (usually on the weekends) he would still be sitting there, talking to her. We could be laying down and cuddling or something and the moment he hears the messenger go Ba-Donk! he would suddenly say that he's restless and wants to get up or that he has to check emails or there's something he forgot to do. Then he would leave me there and go and talk to her. He's been doing this now for three months. They fight ALL the time. Mostly over stupid video game debates or something of that nature. He tells me that she's bipolar and feels emotions to the extreme. Like she can't just have a neutral opinion about someone. She either loves them or hates them. And for that reason, she trys not to get too attached to people because she's afraid of getting hurt. So they decided that their relationship would always ALWAYS stay friends and anything beyond that would NEVER be crossed. So, she didn't show him pictures of her or even give her real name for a long time. Now, recently, she's given him her real name. And now she's sent some pictures. Pictures that my boyfriend won't allow me to see. And now, he tells me that she has admitted that she loves him, but assures me that he doesn't feel even close to the same way. So they argue about a lot of things, he gets irritated and angry about it and then he takes it out on me. He'll ignore me completely and drown himself in video games or become extremely short with me for no reason whatsoever. When I try and ask him what's wrong, he explains what happened, and I try and give my own advice. Then they work it out and act like bestest buddies again. Everytime I come over to spend time with him, he's sitting on that computer talking to her. He NEVER talks nearly that much when I'm at home and on the computer. Only her. It's always, "whatcha doing?...nothing much... ima go play games talk to you later..." and that's it. So I've taken to teasing him about it and saying when the messenger calls, "Your wife is summoning you." Half playfully, half me trying to perhaps protect myself from the hurt I'm feeling because of it. He usually gets super stressed around the holidays and withdraws himself from everyone, me included. It's been like this since I met him. But now our sex life is even having issues. Suddenly he has the libido of a peanut and won't even let me touch HIM. And when I do, he gets off, we cuddle for a maximum of 10 minutes and then he's back on the computer. We have managed to have sex a few times, but not only is it not as passionate or loving as it used to be, he also finishes way too early and I get nowhere near an orgasm. He's not usually like that. Usually he came make me finish two or even three times before he does. So he'll finish me off with him fingers or whichever but it's just not the same. I want to be able to feel that closeness with him and him to feel it too. I haven't actually had an orgasm during actual sex since Halloween. And he refuses to even have little play or tease sessions. I feel increasingly ugly, unattractive and unloved. I feel extremely sexually frustrated with him. The last two time's I've visited him I have left very early on Monday morning because he has hurt me so much with his spending of more time with someone who isn't even here than he does with me. I left his house today early because he completely messed up his sleeping cycle and I found that he still wasn't in bed by 9 am. He stayed up most of the night playing games with HER, then, had an argument and sat there arguing with HER for 2 and a half hours. I felt useless. Seems now the only time I ever get to cuddle or be close to him is when he's asleep. Now I don't even have that. I frequently say I'm going to go sit outside or take a walk because my 'heart hurts' which actually means he's hurting me so much that I think I can actually FEEL my heart breaking. I'll wait outside in the cold for a half hour waiting for him to show some love and come and get me because I've been out for so long or come and see if I'm okay. But nothing. So when I go out for this reason, I always find myself crying and feeling a terrible tightening in my chest. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm just his physical girlfriend. You know, the one he can kiss and hug. But SHE'S his emotional girlfriend. He talks to her about everything and lets his defenses down for her. I feel like I'm just an empty spot on the bed. Like I'm not even there. How do I approach him without him feeling I'm accusing or threatening him? Am I in the wrong to feel threatened by this new girl now? Seeing as he left me once before for someone he didn't even know, should I feel this way? Am I being unfair? Am I just not understanding? Am I just being paranoid? I love this man with every fibre of my being and have maintained all of the changes he wants to see in me just to make him happy. I've grown up for him so I can be more mature and understanding. But what has he done? Has he changed at all? Why am I not seeing it? Am I just blinded by the pain? I just don't... don't know what to do anymore.
  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    If this boyfriend was just a friend from when you were 13 to 18, that's not illegal. But if he was a sexual partner, from when you were 13, then that is a criminal offense I believe in all states and that would give a further look into his character.

    Anyone that you believe supposedly loves you and tells you to bicycle to him for 90 minutes at 5:00 AM in the dark and the rain--you placed yourself in a lot of danger doing that and could have been hit by a car, attacked, or even abducted. Please know for the future that people who truly love you don't place you in that danger and in the future your answer is "NO". Please don't place yourself in that type of situation again. Always be safe.

    Then there is so much more in your post that is screaming that it way past time to let go of him. Please get into counseling to help with your self esteem and self worth and with that counseling to give yourself about a year before dating again (and holding off for a long while before stepping it up into an actual relationship or sexual relationship). Hopefully the counseling will help you to get you into a better place with yourself, and then help you to set the bar higher for the next relationship.

    P.S. We don't need to know the graphic details of your sex life and that's not important here.
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.

    I think it's safe to say that if you ask 100 people, more than 90 of them
    will tell you to cut your ties w/ your boyfriend.

    You need to spend some time going to school, working, having your own place.
    In other words, becoming an adult. Then you will be in a position to make a good
    choice about a partner.

    This fellow isn't it.

    Good luck.

    Rock
  4. paulac7

    paulac7 Member

    Walls of text make my eyes bleed....

    Sorry, I know that wasn't much help, but as the original poster has only one post and hasn't checked back to acknowledge our responses, I would guess that we have been 'punked'.

    I just think someone has too much time on their hands, and the 'sex' details weren't even that good--about the level I would suspect a 13 yr old would write...

    Paula >^.^<
  5. springwater

    springwater Active Member

    to me, I dont know which other site it was first posted and i havnt seen it myself so cant comment on that.

    But the writing looks like its written by someone who has gone thru these things herself.

    And I think it would only be someone who was 13 and growing who would put up with so
    much nonsense from a much older boyfriend and not see him for the jerk he was.

    To the poster, im in agreement with all the other posters who said, this man is not for you.

    He has no redeeming qualities and is making you feel unwanted and eroding your self esteem.

    Get out of this relationship fast.

    God Bless

  6. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I searched the original post on the internet and found it on another depression website, also posted in November, obviously copied, the poster never went back to that one either.
  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    who don't stick around. Maybe they are desperate. Post on several message
    boards. Then can't find their way back to this one.

    Maybe they are just disturbed, and find entertainment
    on the boards. Maybe they have Munchausen syndrome. I'm
    pretty sure I can identify at least two on the PH boards.

    I hate to waste my limited energy on people who don't come
    back. On the other hand, a lot of people helped me fight my
    depression over the years. I feel I ought to try and give
    something back.

    I don't want someone who is desperate to feel that no one
    cared enough to respond.

    As is often the case, hard to know what to do.

    Rock