I just feel alone.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Beckula, Sep 14, 2005.

  1. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    I am sitting here just feeling so ALONE with my battle with FMS today. My boss has it, my family knows I have it, my husband knows, but I am still so very alone.

    Sorry, had to get that off my chest. I used to even go to a chronic pain support group at my church, but now it's like I am in a denial stage or something.

    ...I just can't get out how I feel. Like, partly I feel like the docs scoff at me, my husband expects me to do everything like a "normal person" and my family doesn't even talk about it. This is what is eating me up inside. Truly. And I feel weird even writing this:( I'm 25 years old living in a old woman's body and I feel like I can see myself getting worse, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

    I guess I am not writing this to get pity, suggestions or advice, it's just something I needed to write, and if anyone out there would understand, I would hope it would be others (like people who are on this site). I am not looking into getting a cure or finding a new doctor or new treatment. I want to get to a point where I can actually accept this is really happening to me and it's not a dream...I am literally crying as I write this because I have had it almost 10 years now and it's taken this long to finally write this.
  2. jvrealty

    jvrealty New Member

    Hi Beckula:
    I truly understand how you feel. I feel this way often and most times I can say that it is when my period is coming on. I get depressed and my attitude goes negative about how I now have to live, without a job. I used to earn a very good living and now I am unable to do that because of Fibro and my hands are dx with "overuse" problem, on the PC/Mousing. I haven't worked in almost 2 years and I guess I was still hoping that this thing with my hands would just disappea suddenly. I now know that this is not going to happen and knowing the word of God as I do, this situation is working for my good. It's bad and God did not put it on me, I just overworked my body and now He will use this for His purpose in my life and for His glory.

    I had to come to terms with greiving my losses and my advise to you would be to ACCEPT WHAT IS HAPPENING and do not fight against it. Try to do everything that MAKES YOU COMFRONTABLE. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Get plenty of rest, take your meds, if you have them and EXERCISE, gently to build up your endurance. If you allow yourself to stay sad, depression will take control.

    BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. No one will do this for you, not your family, your spouse, children or friends...THEY JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND and FIBRO is such a strange and individual condition. Learn what works for your and DO IT, without being conflicted. It's your health and you are reponsible for taking care of You.

    I hope you are encouraged and will pray and meditate on the word of God, if you are a bible reader. The word is necessary and helps me get through each day.

    Sent with sincerety

    JV
  3. Sue50

    Sue50 New Member

    You are not alone, I completely understand and I'm sure there are a lot of others on this board that do too. This is a safe place to unload everything that's on your mind.
    Sue
  4. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    Thanks for the replies...I have so MANY things to be thankful for and honestly, no one would know this FMS is a struggle unless I told them, because I appear to be a bright, smiley, HAPPY person...I appreciate that there is a place like this, since I am not someone who can actually say these things outloud, like a support group in person. Maybe that will change when I get older:)
  5. hob

    hob New Member

    i understand how you feel. i am only 23 and living with fm/cfs. My husband used to struggle with it all until he read this book "Beyond Chaos" by Gregg Piburn. It is written by a husband who's wife has fm. you may give it a try. my hubby isn't a big reader but once he read just a few pages he was hooked. sometimes they need to know too that they're not the only ones dealing with this...
  6. nanswajo

    nanswajo New Member

    Oh Beck...

    I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I know exactly what you mean--REALLY.

    I sat in my doctotr's office yesterday and cried. That was not the first time. When I have gone to other offices for tests re: this dd, I have sobbed and sobbed so hard I could hardly talk. They must have thought I just found out I was dying.

    I cry at home. I cry at work. And, it is all about this disease, or whatever you want to call it. Others will listen to you, but only so much and then they have had it, or so it seems. I know my husband is weary of asking how I am as are my friends at work.

    When you hurt so bad for so long it wears on you. You keep thinking one day it will fix itself, but it doesn't and all that courage, hope & strength you have been using starts to crumble.

    I feel trapped in my body while the world around me just keeps going.

    I try to enjoy the little things. I try to laugh. I try to focus on things I love: animals, nature, color, but some days are just too hard, aren't they?

    With true understanding,
    Nancy
  7. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I'm sorry you have FMS. It's a horrible thing to happen to any of us. I think it warrants tears, besides, tears are healing.

    I was diagnosed with FMS in July of this year, but now realize that all my odd complaints over the years have been FMS. It took severe pain and fogginess to put a name on it.

    I've been reading and posting messages here for about a month. I can't tell you how much caring, understanding and support you will find. Also, when you are ready to see if you can feel better somehow, the knowledge shared here beats anything else out there by miles.

    There are lots of young people here, too. But all of us know what you're going through. Take care!

    Francie
  8. chp1298

    chp1298 New Member

    I also know how you feel . I dont even talk about FMS very often with anyone, they dont understand. I try to explain to my husband and son and they are sympathetic to a point but they dont understand. Mostly I suffer in silence and cry when I am in the car or bed alone. It is SO depressing to be 45 and in pain and have such physical limitations. I can barely shop for groceries and going to the mall is a thing of the past. No one understand but you guys on the message boards. Reading it I know there are people in the sme boat as I am.
  9. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    It's nice to know I am not the only one. Thank you, really.
  10. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Beckula:
    I always feel isolated. I am alone most of the time, except for my new Friday night activity (AA). That is the kind of trouble I got into by being alone and trying to self medicate what the pills would not do. Do not fall into a trap. Feeling alone is a terrible feeling and I know I sometimes just play music to pull me out of it.
    You take care of yourself.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  11. ernie1

    ernie1 New Member

    I am so sorry for the pain both physical and emotional. It is a lonely disease, but I guess we are never REALLY alone. I try to remind myself of that often. Hope it helps.
    Ernie
  12. Mareeok

    Mareeok New Member

    ((((( Beckula ))))). I wish I could take the heaviness off of you for awhile so you can rest easy and feel better. I am very thankful that you decided to write how you feel. Every word is precious and important. Thank you for trusting us with them. It's so much better than trying to keep your feelings hidden away inside. That makes the pain worse. So please keep talking. When I was in therapy for PTSD I could not talk from being emotionally and physically abused for 25 yrs. I had to learn to 'talk'. It hurt a great deal letting the emotional pain travel up and out. It made the physical pain worse for awhile but it was the beginning of healing. So keep talking and we will keep listening and 'walk' right there next to you.

    Soft heart hugs,
    Maree
  13. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    Rant ahead...

    I wish I could meet all of you that responded to me, it really makes me smile to know that you care about someone who you've never seen or met in person:)

    I never truly understand why bad things happen to good people. Heck, why do they happen to anyone at all, even "bad people" don't deserve pain and suffering. I try to tell myself, I know this person and that person who has it worse than me, or hey, at least I have people who care about me and love me or at least I am still alive and can walk.

    But that's just one of my many fabulous ways of coping with something that keeps eating at me, day after day, because it never just goes away....

    I don't drink, I've never even had a puff of a cigarette (or any illegal drugs), I'm not a party animal, I don't like fast food, I've never had a major sugery, my parents and family are all fairly healthy...yet I have FMS. So I know that I was not in control. I was just a teenager, for goodness sakes.

    And here I am, 25, working at a good full-time job, been married a little over a year, in a nice house, nice neighborhood, been a Christian my whole life...and I still feel so unhappy.

    I know there are lots and lots of people who don't have anything and are still unhappy, and everyone has issues. But for a long time I have been convincing myself I am OK. I am NOT OK. I am far from it. Maybe I needed to write that and come to terms with the fact that things will never be perfect!

    Anyway, I am ranting and if anyone reads this...thanks:)
  14. butterfly83

    butterfly83 New Member

    >I'm 25 years old living in a old woman's body and I feel >like I can see myself getting worse, but there is >absolutely nothing I can do about it.

    I almost got confused for a minute and thought i was reading something i had wrote. I'm a 22 year old in a very old womens arthritic body. And I'm constantly aware that I am getting worse not better and i am so tired.. i can't even come up with some plan to get me out of it.

    So you're definately not alone. I can at least say that much.
  15. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    Beck...do you have to work 09/16/05 08:10 AM

    fulltime ? I think it's great you continue to work...but maybe it's time to think about part-time ...is that possible ?

    Yes, I must work full time. In fact, I also work a seasonal part time job on the side. I live in the Twin Cites, MN and if I went to part time, I would be homeless, even when my husband works full-time as well. The cost of living is very high nowadays:(

    Right now we own a home. When we were living in an apartment, with two incomes, it was still a struggle.

    If I was able to work part-time or not at all, I would do it in a HEARTBEAT. Not kidding. The biggest thing is the fact that I AM only 25. My husband and I have no savings and we haven't even started a "retirement" fund yet.

    I work at a good place though and don't sit in an office. I am a resident counselor for adults with developmental disabilities and the job is perfect, since I work 2-10pm or 4pm-midnight shifts. It's good for me to get some excercise and get out, too. I would be even more depressed if I was at home ALL the time:)

    Thank u also for being concerned...my husband would LOVE if I worked less, he knows how it is. But then again, he is not sick and would love to work less himself.
  16. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    The acceptance stage is such a hard one to get to. And it is lonely because no one can really help you get to it since our routes to get there are always so different.

    I can just say that banging your head on the fibro wall feeling is a familiar one, and one I'm glad is mostly behind me. I come on here and I see how severe some have it and feel blessed now to be as functional as I am. But that's just where I am at now. that is highly subject to change if/when the winter SAD sets in and my coping mechanisms tend to drift out the window.



    Jeanne
  17. blkkat

    blkkat New Member

    hi! i just wanted to say we are all here for you. when your feeling sad and hurting remember you have a family here who understands and really cares about you! yes i'm sure will never meet, i'm in seattle wash. but one good thing you could say is hey boy do i have alot of friends!!!! try and get some extra sleep this weekend it does help alot!! hope to talk again LOL! BLKKAT
  18. spasco

    spasco New Member

    is kind of "normal" when you have no choice but to deal with intense pain everyday. THere is no place to go to escape it. It even follows you in your sleep. I have even dreamed of pain. It is okay to feel down sometimes, you are human. Just remember "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."

    Let God use this situation to glorify Him, and it will be worth it!

    God bless! Stephanie