I Just got bad news from the Mom to be!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by doxygirl, Feb 17, 2006.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Just when I was on cloud nine!

    I got an email from the Mom to be.............telling me she doesn't want me buying anything more for Cohen because if I do she is going to resent me !!!!!!!!

    Her exact words were " I do not want to resent you because you are not MAKING your son do what is right"! She says that Iam letting him off of the hook by buying things that he should be buying himself!

    I wrote her back and called this statement to her attention I asked her if she thinks I can make my son do ANYTHING????? I told her he is 24 and is responsible for his choices NOT me! and that I CANNOT MAKE him do anything............

    Iam so hurt and confused! Here this girl chased me down and went out of her way to find me and continue to try to get me involved .................now Iam and she is accusing me of buying things to let my son off of the hook!

    Iam starting to see why my son isn't with her anymore!

    I also told her that I believe that she is misplacing her anger with my son to me................and most importantly I said that I have done nothing to be asheamed of in fact Iam proud of the things I have done!

    What do you guys think?

    My son says that she is trying to manipulate him through me!

    AM I wrong for loving that baby and for trying to be supportive, and for getting joy from buying him things?

    I just don't know what to do anymore Iam darned if I do and Iam darned if I don't??????????????

    Iam a wreck and just don't know what to do anymore!

    Please help me out here!

    [This Message was Edited on 02/19/2006]
  2. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Ohh Doxy, I am sorry. I don't know what to say. I just don't understand how this girl can think it is your job to make your son do something. She is being very unreasonable. I think she tried to get you involved because she thought you might could talk your son into getting back together with her or something. I wish I could help you. I am her for you offering my support and love. That is all I can give you. I will be praying and thinking of you.
  3. LittleBluestem

    LittleBluestem New Member

    You are certainly not wrong for loving that baby and for trying to be supportive, and for getting joy from buying him things. The trick is with the being supportive part. What is supportive to you may not be supportive to her. If she doesn't like something that you are doing, just smile and say "I was trying to be helpful, but since you say that it is not I will stop."

    It does sound like she might be taking her anger at your son out on her. I am glad that you pointed that out to her. Your son could be right about her trying to manipulate him through you, so it is a good thing you pointed out that you cannot make any other adult do anything. (Including make her behave more reasonably.)

    Please keep in mind that she is a single, pregant woman days away from delivering a baby. That is bound to affect her mood and thinking. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt without being a doormat (a difficult balance to strike, sometimes). Don't make such a big deal out of everything that she says and does that it makes a wreck out of you. Take ten deep breaths and one day at a time.
  4. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    good lord...what is a potential grandma to do...

    i was thinking then instead of buying this baby anymore items...that you will be putting some money aside for the day the dna test comes out positive....until then you will respect her wishes and will not buy anymore items...and the baby will always need things the older it gets...we know, we are already mothers...

    i think i would just keep any gifts you may have already purchased put them away in a closet or simply return them for the money...and put the money aside for a big dna positive party!

    it does stink she called and let you know and even contact your son for that matter...i will give a benefit of a doubt that her hormones are out of wack and so is her anxiety over this situation she put herself in....

    as far as you making your son do the right thing...you can't not even the county courts of california...trust me on that one doxy, i have seen how easy it is to get away with not paying child support...i hate to say this but it almost pays not to support the child...you can still see your child even if yo are in arears, against the law if you conceal the child from court order visitations....it is almost liek they have more rights than the parent owed child support....

    as for making him do the right thing...i gaurentee you that when she needs moeny for formula or clothing or housing ,etc...she will not care that you will write her a check or if it comes from the father, your son....

    doxy...tip to think about for your son...you know i am owed over 19k in child support....so i know your son is young and the worse thing to do is start out this young in arrears in child support...i do not know for sure, but a simple call down to the da's office in charge of child support collections will anwer the question for your son...but i think the judge may possibly be able to order support starting at the birth of the child...so that will already put your son in arrears by the time the dna test is taken...

    what i would do if i were you///i would put any gift money you wanted to give this new mother and child...put it away and wait for the dna test to come out positive,,,,if it comes out positive in your son's favor...put that money toward his arrears...then you will know it is your grandchild for sure...then you can start out anew send b-day cards or whatever.....

    i am a single mom owed money and trust me i have tried to keep a good friendship with the x-inl's...and i new they could never make their son do the right thing...but i did send them a copy of the court order for child support and the the b.s. of him not being tracked down for ccs...union was playing games w/da's office and it worked for about 3 years...

    she is going to have to come to terms that you can not do the right thing...but you can have a talke w/him on what is expected as a parent and the court system....but ou have already down that and i would let it go....if it comes a day where you truly see that your son is just crazy out of control and negelecting his relationship w/his child...i would talk with him about it...you will love him but you may lose respect for him...

    this little mother needs to realize this is not your issue...it is between the courts, her and him...how old is she?

    i will try to not say anthing truly bad about her...but maybe she sould have thought about this before she had sex with your son...i am not better than her...i made a different choice than her at the age of 19..i had an abortion that was my choice...i do not regret that decision i was going to college and i would have not been happy on welfare and my parents would not have helped...and i know that...the father who is my ex husband was a senior in high school...

    well i hope i could be of some help for you...i know ou are and where excited about this birth...but my other question is what does she mean your son doing the right thing? asking to marry her???is that your idea of the right thing or does she mean giving her money and gifts to her from only the son only...???oh boy....

    hgus to you may friend i am sorry to hear about this sudden change of heart with her...

    i guess just save your money and tell her you will be there for the birth because that is the right thing for a grandma to do....or come see the baby..and you will repect he wishes as far as gifts and money go...but when you get the dna word positive i would tell her i am having a party and no one can tell me not to celebrate the special birth of my grandchild......and you will love to have as much involvement as possible....

    love always to you

  5. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    do not give her any cash or your son,,,send it to the da's office or write a check...keep records...

    because they will they do report the parent in arrears to the irs...credit bureua and dmv...also they can not get a passport o or legally leave the country if they owe over a certain amoutn...i know i may be jumping the gun here, here but in you son's case it is alittle unfair to be put in arears so soon...cody father was married to me for 17 years so he was no surprise...

    ok i am done....

    ihooe your holding up fine and i hope you will be getting your money for your cars soon....

    how was work?

  6. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    btw have you typed your fingers down to the knuckles lol
  7. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Right now I am pretty sure "SHE" is the one with the "ILL" intentions here!

    It looks to me like she only went out of her way to contact and invite me into their lives because she thought I would "MAKE" my son love and be with her!!!!!!

    It hurts and it hurts bad...........I just want to forget I ever knew anything and go forward.............BUT what about little Cohen?

    I guess Iam just going to respect my son and wait for him to do paternity test .......when it comes back positive then my son says he WILL get visitation and I WILL see Cohen .........but I think she is going to be ugly for a long time since she isn't getting her way!

    I feel like SHE is the one who should be apologizing to me!

    Iam so sad and my heart aches!!!!!!!!!!

    Interesting how I was so happy and one letter from her can take that all away!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    what does she expect the father to possible to be to do at this point?????? right thing for him to do?????

    right thing to do is wait for her to file with the da's office to have him pay child support and then at that point your son, will petition that he has reasons to believe he is not the father>>>>>she should expect that no matter what....

    maybe she has gotten rejected by the other possible father if there is one...we really don't know who has been in her bed....and i am not judging her for that...but it is not like the lived together or for that matter really truly knew eachother....

    just try to do the best thing for doxy's emotion's right now...maybe treating her like a neighbor that is having a baby might help until the dna test results come back....

    put maybe let's say ten dollars away a month away for the dna positive party..of course you could put away more if you wish...but you will know you are doing something that in the future if it comes back positive you have done what you could considering the circumstances...and right now everything is circumstantial....

    go visit at the hospital take pics if you can...and put those in a safe place hidden in a nice sealed envelope so yo u can open them up at the dna positive party and make a college of the pics....and if not positive i would politely send them to the mother wishing her all the best...and would have loved to have a different outcome, but it just wasn't in the cards you suppose...i would take the high road, as i know you have class....and tell her i am moving on
    with my life and wish them health, wealth and happiness...

    time will tell and let's try not to drive ourselves crazy here...i would think it won't be much longer to find out the dna results...the da office could give an estimate as to how long it takes from the time the paperwork gets started to actually get the results....

    i hope you can a restful sleep you need it...

    hugs to you

  9. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    But ever since you went to her baby shower and spoke to her mother she has treated you differently.

    I think her mother has something to do with this.

  10. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    My heart goes out to you. All this has been so hard on you. You did nothing wrong but just wanted to help out. She is young and immature and is taking out what your son is not doing on you. That was a very tacky thing for her to say to you. They both are young and have no clue all the things a baby needs. She would be thanking you if she could see ahead about 6 monthes.

    As for your son, most guys aren`t going to go out and buy all this baby stuff. Even a older guy isn`t going to do that, you`ll be lucky if they go out and get some diapers once in awhile.

    I`m sure she wishes he would be there for her physically. But that`s hard for him to do when he has doubts if it is his. You got some great advice on saving the money for a DNA test and child support. They are both confused and scared and you are caught in the middle.

    Offering up positive thoughts and prayers for all of you. Soon the baby will be here and you can do the DNA test and know for certain. Just hang on till then.

  11. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    she said she was afraid that I would take what she was saying the wrong way! and that she is no longer mad at my son if she was she would of already had the baby!

    Then she said that she has every right to feel the way hse does and that she still feels that Iam trying to let my son off the hook!

    This is what I wrote back:

    You are absolutely right YOU can feel whatever way you want to...............however it does not mean that I agree!

    Iam still care and Iam here for you and Cohen!

    I honestly don't know what else to say to her..........I feel this is starting to be a war with her against me.I have done NOTHING wrong here!

    Her mom lives with her and is the one who is going to be caring for Cohen full time while the mom works....I'm starting to wonder if her mom is behind this because she is worried because she is very poor and I am able to buy Cohen things she cannot..............don't misunderstand Iam not rich or even close to it ...........but I just don't understand how all of the sudden this is about my buying things for him..........

    Besides the shower gifts I have only offered to buy her the highchair I heard her say at the shower she wanted and didn't get.............I also wrote and asked her if there was anything else she needed because I was enjoying shopping for Cohen so very much!

    Am I getting sucked into a trap here??????????because I really haven't done anything wrong!!!!!!!!!I know that in my heart!

    [This Message was Edited on 02/18/2006]
  12. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    This girl doesn't sound mentally right to me. What IS her problem?

    I just wonder if she KNOWS that this baby isn't your son's and that is why she is going back and forth with you? Maybe she feels a bit guilty. There isn't anything you can do about your son.

    I'm sorry when you were so happy that she is now bringing you down. Like I said she just doesn't sound right to me.

  13. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    If she has half a brain and really thinks this is your son's child, all she has to do once it's born is file
    for welfare. They go from there, they order and pay for the dna test and then if he is the father they go after him for the money. She'd have to sign off that any money they collect they keep, but they are very much on the job of collecting.

    I know you love your son, but if he turns out to be the father I would not advise you to save the money to help him pay arrears. IF it IS his child he needs to face up to it and take it on himself.

    He will never learn to grow and take responsibility for his actions until he has to. Just having the unprotected sex was hopefully a lesson he isn't repeating. And if he IS the father it will take more than support financially, he will need to be up for visitation, bonding with the child and being there for it for the rest of it's life.

    Once the dna test is done, however it's done, if you ARE the grandmother you will have rights. But if she gets
    angry with you she could move and be
    impossible to find again. She COULD cause a lot more heartache than she has already in the long run.

    I'd leave the ball in her court. You've said you care, that you are there, and that you are willing to help. If the child IS your grandchild
    she may think differently after it's born. I'd send "thinking of you" notes and little things like that for now, just to stay in the ballgame. Other than that there really isn't much you can do for now except to be talking to your son about the possible responsibilities he could have coming up and urging him to plan on it and be putting money away for it "on his own". JMHO. Bambi
  14. Countrymom

    Countrymom New Member

    She sounds very immature. Maybe you could get through to her by pointing out to her that her mother can't make her do anything either. I am sure her mother wouldn't have wanted her to end up in this situation.

    Unfortunately she still has alot of growing up to do. I just hope that Cohen will be okay.

    With that said, I also believe she is hormonal, uncomfortable, and most likely very scared. These things make us all crazy.

    Hang in there, show her that people do love her baby. Maybe she is just testing you?
  15. backporchrags

    backporchrags New Member

    Boy she is holding a lot of anger. You are right.
    Unfortunatly there is little that can be done. Hopefully she will come to understand that the more people who love her child the better.
    When the reality of a new baby in the house becomes apparent she may change her tune. All new mothers need all of the help they can get.
    A great idea to help support the baby is to start him a college fund. You do not need her permission to give in this way. You can add to it knowing that you are preparing him for a bright future. And dear ol'e mom need not know about it.
    Try not to let it get you down Doxy. And continue loving that baby. Know that things will not always be as they are now.
  16. Kacjac

    Kacjac New Member

    You have done nothing wrong. You have done everything right.
    Trying to include yourself in this baby life. I think it is misplaced anger, and maybe she feels a little guilty too, because she knows its coming down to the wire when Cohen's born, and maybe she not sure anymore who the real father is, plus being hormonal, and tired too.
    But she does sound inmature also, keep receipts, and proof of what you spend on him. For maybe future needs.
    I don't feel like your son is trying to shun his responsibilty, but I think he's just unsure of the situation, and is waiting on the DNA test! She did hurt him, afterall. I hope and pray it all works out in the end, for everyone.
    Big Hugz, Doxy
  17. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I want to let everyone know how much I appreciate your support and words of kindness and wisdom!

    I have made a decision and want to share it with everyone here..............

    Because it clearly appears that she has used this entire shrade of "wanting to include me" in my Grandsons life to manipulate my son............and really honeslty I don't believe for one second that I have done anythign wrong.........

    However whatever I do she is looking for something to make me wrong for because she isn't getting what she truly wants!

    It seems to me that since the time is so close now....and she may be realizing that her ploy isn't going to work...... that she is now getting desperate by using yet another manipulative move by................. trying to absolutely crush the one persons heart that is vulnerable and truly does care "ME"

    Well I have had enough..I refuse to walk on egg shells my Grandsons entire life because she didn't get her way and is taking it out on me..............

    My son and I agree that it is a no win situation to deal with her....and therefore Iam going to respect my son wishes to make sure via dna test once the baby is here............

    if it indeed is his and he chooses to get visitation then and only then will I see my Grandson ....

    if my son is granted visitation and Iam sure he will be......she will not be able to manipulate or control me or him..................... his time will be his time and I WILL SEE MY GRANDSON through my son and only through my son!

    I tried my very best to make a good honest and loving relationship with this girl ......Iam hurt to the point where I would never completly trust her again..........because her motives are the ones that are ill NOT mine! Maybe that is exactly why she is accusing me of being ill intentioned because she is indeed the one who truly is!

    BTW my son is going to take full responsibility for his son ( if it is his) and he is going to TRY his best to be a good Dad he just doesn't want to be tortured by this woman and I can now see his point because I truly think anything either of us do will never mend her anger for not getting her way!

    I hope that you all understand why I feel the way I do......I will always have my Doxy heart but I now have to protect it and move forward using my energy in a postive way!

    Thank you all once again for your support and love
  18. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I'm sorry I meant to tell you in my last post and forgot..............I have tried a few times to call her and she refuses to answer my calls......in fact that is when I first realized she had a problem.........

    I left her a message on a monday............finally on Thurs when she didn't return it I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her home phone ( left message ) she never did call me but instead wrote to me via e mail........

    She claimed that her phone was broke.............but I KNEW that was an excuse because I had also left a message on her home phone and I'm quite sure that her home phone and cell phone weren't both broke especailly when you look at what is going on now!

    Thank you for the thought I agree with you but she just doesn't want to seem to cooperate with anything but what she wants I guess you could say she only thinks of herself!

    Thank you for the support
  19. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you take care of you for now...you have your plate too full right now..concentrate on you health, cars, and getting the old claim settled....

    we will wait for the results and support you either way it goes...

    lots and lots of hugs my friend,

  20. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    This girl is pretty immature. Clearly, she wants your son, not you. Now it comes out.... she was trying to get to your son through you. She does not care about you or your feelings at all, just her own.

    Your instincts were right lately about her.

    Please don't say anything to her when you are upset, (and believe me, you will be upset). Once you say anything, you can never take it back and she will hold it against you forever, she is just that immature.

    Try to string her along and tell her you have talked to your son and will continue to try to bring them together. Tell her you want to meet with her about your conversations with your son, then when you meet with her, just be vague and let her feel you are on her side, on and on...

    This is what she wants to hear. You will not be able to reason with her, but the bottom line is the result - you want to be able to see your grandchild.

    If you get in any kind of snit with her now, she will punish your son by being mean to you. At least that is what she will think.

    You will give her a tool to get back at your son. The only thing you all need to find out is the paternity as soon as the child is born.

    Is your son saying he is 100% sure he is not the father? If there is a chance he is the father, you might see if he will play along until you can determine paternity.

    You need to play the game back with her. She has been playing one with you, so you start playing one.

    This might be hard for you, but believe me, it will be alot harder to wind up shut out altogether.

    Sorry if I seem harsh, but I believe this girl is really mixed up right now and you need to keep your cool with her.

    I realize it may not be in your nature to play games with this young lady (or anyone), maybe my advice is wrong.... this is just a hard situation and I know how bad you want to see that baby....

    [This Message was Edited on 02/19/2006]

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