I just lost it while shovelling snow

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kat211, Feb 3, 2011.

  1. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    After I told my fibro Dr everything I have been going through at my apt last week she sat and stared at me in silence for a few moments. She then told me she had no idea how I was sitting in front of her. My response was that I had no choice. I had no choice but to keep moving because there were things that had to be done and could not wait and that there was no one that could do them for me. They couldn't do them for me because there are things that only I can take care of and the things that someone else could do no one else will or can because I have zero support. Yesterday I went to my PCP for my yearly. She and my fibro Dr work at the same hospital and know each other. She too stared at me when I told her everything that my fibro dr hadn't told her. She too had no idea how I was still functioning given everything I am going through both medically and personally.

    Well, that leads me to just an hour or so ago. I had just dropped my son off at school and I went by my house to let the dogs play in the yard. I got the snow shovel and began shoveling the side-walk. At first I was just numb and didn't feel anything inside or out, of course the -8 degrees helped with that. Then my lungs started to burn and i noticed every muscle in my body hurt and bending to use the shovel was makign my hernia worse and I puked a couple of times. Then the tears started.

    I realized, why do I bother? It doesn't really matter. So, I'll get a ticket for not shoveling the walk at the house I own but can't live in b/c the mold in it was killing my son and I. If someone falls and sues me I don't have anything. They can have the house. Heck, it's fully furnished and all the curtains are still up underneath the boards on the windows. I am already on my way to getting fined b/c someone called the city about the boards I put on the windows to keep idiots out after the robberies and the city ticketed me for the landscape rocks on the parking pad. Out of all of the people who know how sick my son and I are and everyhting I am dealing with, no one has ever once called, emailed, or stopped by to see how we are or offered any type of help.

    now that I am thinking about it, I really don't have a clue why i bother. i might as well just give up, go to bed and say screw it.
  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Kat211 Iam so sorry for what you are enduring. first off a great big hug.

    I understand what you are going thru. Right now Im dealing with a roof leak,mold and incompetant people. Its been over a month and fighting with my condo hoa to get fixed. needless to say they have made a bigger mess and refusing to clean-up.

    On top of that I put off dental surgery til it became critical and now Im feeling crappy from that on top of these idiots coming in and out.

    Where you are at do you have the 211 number for getting help? Any school kids that would shovel for you? Send a copy of police report to tickets as to why the boards are up. Hey you could always paint the boards to look like windows or curtains!!!!

    Personally dont understand nieghbors anymore or people not helping out.

    hang in there your son is why you bother.
  3. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    if I'm doing better. fortunately I was able to pull myself together enough to pick my son up from school and so that he didn't notice anything.

    I recently found out I will be needing surgery for my hernia. Oh, and that my dr found a girlie infection at my yearly so she called in a script for me, my habit of not answering the phone or checking email finally came in handy b/c I don't think I would have taken any more bad news well earlier this week.

    I've tried to keep a positive outlook, especially when my son is around. but when everything is turning to poop and drowning me in it with no way out, it is hard to keep looking on the bright side.

    oh, here's a kicker for you. My house is across the street from a church. The deacon is a cop. I know him and he know everything going on with the house and my health. one of the members saw me having trouble the other day and didn't say a thing to me. they haven't offered any kind of assistance or anything. I did find someone to shovel the snow, which is good b/c I only got two shovels in b/f I started to heave. I'm not sure he'll show up for the next storm, he reaked of booze, but we'll see. He did it today, and at least it's done.
  4. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Holy crap you have it pouring down on you. It is hard to look on the bright side when it just keeps dumping.

    its ok to say to hell with it all,Im fedup Enough Already

    no excuse for church and deacon. Hey at least the guy did your walks. booze or not he's the "saint" hope he does show up.
  5. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    My son and I have been throwing around the idea of moving to FL over the last couple of days. I have 3 relatives I actually talk to and 2 of them are in FL. We are planning on going down there in a couple of months just to get away, who knows, maybe we won't come back.

    Honestly I'm not sure I can just walk away from this fight. The people I bought my house from intentionally covered up the mold, did all of the work substandard and w/o permits and are continuing to do this to other people all over the state. I honestly don't think I can walk away knowing I am allowing them to get away with screwing me and my son over along w/all of the other people out there. In the state I live in if you are party to a lawsuit you must post a $10k cash bond if you move out of the state while the suit is pending.

    Oh well. At least I just had a good laugh at this young girl who couldn't figure out how to work the washer in the apt laundry room. The look my kid had on his face was priceless while she asked me what the cycles meant (they are all labeled delicate, whites, colors, etc). I'm not sure how she crammed that much in, but the gentle cycle does not seem to like how much she put in. The my son told her she should really put her little dog on a leash so our dogs didn't mistake it for a snack. I thought my hernia was gonna pop right out of my coat I was laughing so hard. He said 'what? It's a weiner dog and it's barking a lot. Dexter will eat him just to shut him up!' Gosh, I sure love my kid. Poor girl looks at my kid all dress in his tie and sweater and hurries out muttering what a great way to train your dogs! Oh, so funny.
  6. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    I woke up early this morning feeling awful about myself. It was so bad I just laid there with the covers pulled tight around me. Then I realized why I felt that way. It was bc of the way I treated that girl in the laundry room last night. I'm no better than my neighbors who know what I'm going through and only look the other way or call the city to try and get me in trouble for protecting my house. I am so ashamed of myself. And I allowed and encouraged my son to behave like the kind of person I have always raised him not to be and taught him was wrong. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to sink so low.
  7. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    and I am thankful, ok maybe not exactly thankful but you know what I mean, when I make mistakes because it allows me to teach my son the value learning from our mistakes, which is very important but difficult to teach an 8 year old.

    I am in the process of firing my current atty and hiring a new one. Both have told me it could take years. I'm not backing down. I might lose my house in the meantime, but I'm not backing down from it.

    I haven't filed for SSDI/SSI. I don't think I'm eligible. The majority of my problems right now stem from the mold and the hernia, both of which are exascerbating my fibro. I also don't want to. I'm working on my master's in accounting and refuse to stop. I know it sounds boring, and it can be, but I love it. It is the one thing I am doing right now that I feel is completely for me, although I know it will benefit both me and my son. I made the difficult decision of taking the next 8 week term off so that I can focus more on the lawsuit and the housing situation.
  8. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Yep, we're all human and to me you sound like an amazing human being. It's evident in your posts that you care so much for your son and to me that is the most important thing in the world.

    I wouldn't give up on the lawsuit either. If you can win this, which it sounds like you can if they covered up something knowingly, you should be able to get your medical issues (for the mold etc.) taken care of, shouldn't you? I mean any medical expenses PLUS what damage that isn't measurable by money.

    I know it seems like everything happens at once. When that happens to me, I try to tell myself "let's just get it all over with at the same time!". Better than one thing, than another, than another that turns into a new problem/issue coming up everytime you turn a corner.

    You WILL look back on this time and you WILL have made it through it. Nothing wrong with jumping in bed every once in a while with the covers up around you to take your mind off things and regroup a little. It's only a problem when you never get up.

    Good for you in doing something for yourself - keep moving forward and getting your Master's.
    PS. Doesn't sound boring to me at all. I've always loved working w/numbers.

    For today, I wish you a wonderful day!
    For tomorrow, I wish you the same.....