Sorry, folks, hope you don't mind if I rant for a while. I've been feeling so bad lately, pain in my knees that I could cry, and under pressure to get back to work. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take it anymore. For a while, a few months back, I was feeling great. Not 100%, but much better. Then I crashed. I had a sinus infection, since then, I've been feeling worse than ever. Social Services is pressuring me to get back to work, they say I'll not be able to get SSI because I'm too young and had goals once upon a time. My mother, every once in awhile, has some comment about me going back to work so she doesnt have to help me out anymore. My father asks me everytime I talk to him if I'm planning on going back to work soon. I would love to work. I would love to leave my house every morning in a nice business suit that looks great on me, with my attache case over my shoulder, or more specifically, with a uniform and badge on, cash a paycheck every week or two. But, Im scared. I'm nervous about having to explain why my resume is so scattered, why my jobs have been so short lived, I'm worried that I will be convincing enough to actually get a job, then lose it because I can't keep up, I can't remember what I was told, I don't understand the task, I'm too tired, I have to call in sick too much. Right now, it's 5 am, and I want to throw open my window and scream!!! "IS ANY BODY THERE? CAN ANY BODY HEAR ME? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!" I feel as if I'm trapped at the end of a long dark tunnel that is slowly filling with water. The stuff that childhood nightmares are made of. I am constantly having to explain my condition, at least I feel like I do. Even when not asked, because I feel like I must be speaking a strange language, and I'm trying to communicate with the world, and I'm just hoping that one day, I'll run into someone who understands me. Like an alien from outer space. I should write. Write it all down, and maybe if it's good enough, send to the local newspaper for publishing. Maybe write a book. If only I could type, or hold a pen long enough without pain or fatigue. If only the page wouldn't begin to look like a swirl of black and white. I have a doctors appointment today. Maybe if I cry hard enough, he'll smudge my records, and write to social services demanding that they leave me alone and give me more time. Maybe he'll call all my friends and family and tell them off for being so insensitive. Maybe he'll even say to me, I have the perfect job for you, and you can do it at home. And maybe, I'll wake up from that dream. My life is a never ending mush of laundry, pain, dishes, exhaustion, vaccuming, sleep, messy bedrooms and toys on the floor, pain, laundry, pain, sleep, sleep, sleep, pain, dishes, pain. I get up everyday at 7:30 am, take the kids to school, come home and sleep until 2:45, go get the kids from school, start a load of laundry and wonder if I'll actually get to putting it in the dryer today. Maybe I'll cook dinner today, and maybe the kids won't mind another sandwich instead. I'll wash a few dishes today, but they won't get put away. I have dishes that havent seen the inside of my cupboard in 6 months. They just continually cycle between the sink and drainer. The kitchen needs sweeping, but the dust pan is missing, so the pile of dust will sit in the corner next to the garbage pan until I get enough gusto to bend down and pick it up. I know I got something in the mail the other day that I have to fill out and send back, but I can't rememeber what, or even where I might have put it. Hope it's not important. My knees are hurting so badly, I should take a pill, but if I do, I'll sleep right through my appointment today. Christmas shopping needs to be finished and presents need to be wrapped, I'll get it done, when the calander pushes me off the couch and into the stores. This damned runny nose that I've had for a month is driving me batty. These Help Wanted ads are the same as yesterday, and not one fits my skills or abilities. Too many hours, too much sitting, not enough experience, too much walking, too stressful, they'll never go for me having to take time off. 5:28 am. Its cold in here. Now it's too hot. Well, atleast the BIllS wone this Sunday. Maybe I'll take a bath, but even that requires more energy than I have right now. Another of my neighbors being arrested for ties to Al-Quieda. Great. I need to move. Suddenly I'm Scarlet O'Hara. "Well, I won't think about that right now. After all, Tommorrow is another day." Of the same shit!!!