I just wanna scream "IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?"

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hbic, Dec 16, 2002.

  1. hbic

    hbic New Member

    Sorry, folks, hope you don't mind if I rant for a while. I've been feeling so bad lately, pain in my knees that I could cry, and under pressure to get back to work. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take it anymore. For a while, a few months back, I was feeling great. Not 100%, but much better. Then I crashed. I had a sinus infection, since then, I've been feeling worse than ever. Social Services is pressuring me to get back to work, they say I'll not be able to get SSI because I'm too young and had goals once upon a time. My mother, every once in awhile, has some comment about me going back to work so she doesnt have to help me out anymore. My father asks me everytime I talk to him if I'm planning on going back to work soon. I would love to work. I would love to leave my house every morning in a nice business suit that looks great on me, with my attache case over my shoulder, or more specifically, with a uniform and badge on, cash a paycheck every week or two. But, Im scared. I'm nervous about having to explain why my resume is so scattered, why my jobs have been so short lived, I'm worried that I will be convincing enough to actually get a job, then lose it because I can't keep up, I can't remember what I was told, I don't understand the task, I'm too tired, I have to call in sick too much. Right now, it's 5 am, and I want to throw open my window and scream!!! "IS ANY BODY THERE? CAN ANY BODY HEAR ME? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!" I feel as if I'm trapped at the end of a long dark tunnel that is slowly filling with water. The stuff that childhood nightmares are made of. I am constantly having to explain my condition, at least I feel like I do. Even when not asked, because I feel like I must be speaking a strange language, and I'm trying to communicate with the world, and I'm just hoping that one day, I'll run into someone who understands me. Like an alien from outer space. I should write. Write it all down, and maybe if it's good enough, send to the local newspaper for publishing. Maybe write a book. If only I could type, or hold a pen long enough without pain or fatigue. If only the page wouldn't begin to look like a swirl of black and white. I have a doctors appointment today. Maybe if I cry hard enough, he'll smudge my records, and write to social services demanding that they leave me alone and give me more time. Maybe he'll call all my friends and family and tell them off for being so insensitive. Maybe he'll even say to me, I have the perfect job for you, and you can do it at home. And maybe, I'll wake up from that dream. My life is a never ending mush of laundry, pain, dishes, exhaustion, vaccuming, sleep, messy bedrooms and toys on the floor, pain, laundry, pain, sleep, sleep, sleep, pain, dishes, pain. I get up everyday at 7:30 am, take the kids to school, come home and sleep until 2:45, go get the kids from school, start a load of laundry and wonder if I'll actually get to putting it in the dryer today. Maybe I'll cook dinner today, and maybe the kids won't mind another sandwich instead. I'll wash a few dishes today, but they won't get put away. I have dishes that havent seen the inside of my cupboard in 6 months. They just continually cycle between the sink and drainer. The kitchen needs sweeping, but the dust pan is missing, so the pile of dust will sit in the corner next to the garbage pan until I get enough gusto to bend down and pick it up. I know I got something in the mail the other day that I have to fill out and send back, but I can't rememeber what, or even where I might have put it. Hope it's not important. My knees are hurting so badly, I should take a pill, but if I do, I'll sleep right through my appointment today. Christmas shopping needs to be finished and presents need to be wrapped, I'll get it done, when the calander pushes me off the couch and into the stores. This damned runny nose that I've had for a month is driving me batty. These Help Wanted ads are the same as yesterday, and not one fits my skills or abilities. Too many hours, too much sitting, not enough experience, too much walking, too stressful, they'll never go for me having to take time off. 5:28 am. Its cold in here. Now it's too hot. Well, atleast the BIllS wone this Sunday. Maybe I'll take a bath, but even that requires more energy than I have right now. Another of my neighbors being arrested for ties to Al-Quieda. Great. I need to move. Suddenly I'm Scarlet O'Hara. "Well, I won't think about that right now. After all, Tommorrow is another day." Of the same shit!!!
  2. Bellesmom

    Bellesmom New Member

    Saw your post, wanted to say I care. I have no answers, just a friendly shoulder.

    Hang in there and take care. Somehow we'll find ourselves on the other side of Christmas.

    I will pray a prayer for you. That's what I do when I can't sleep. Insomnia is new to me, the fibro is over 2 years old.

    Hope someone on this board can put into words something that will really help you.

    Love
    Pam
  3. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    just wanted to let you know you are not alone. The stress that you are putting yourself under is making matters worse. I remember when I would post posts like yours a year ago and people would tell me I was going to crash and burn and I did. I have been out of work going on 4 months now due to knee surgery. I am an ultrasound technologist who love what she does and am now wondering if I will be able to go back. The surgery knocked me out for the count. And those lovely sinus infections just getting over one that has wrecked havic with me for over a month now.

    TAke care of yourself and do not worry about the house work, it will get done as you need things. Mine is a mess and I have just learned to live with it and do what I am capable of doing that day. I have learned not to plan my next days activities the day before because I just was setting my self up to fail. Instead I make a weekly list of the things that need to be done by the end of the week. i take one task at a time and do the best I can. If things are left on the list oh well!

    I have two kids 13 and 8 and they are not great helpers at all. My husband has been working out of town for 6months straight now and I have been here holding down the fort and believe me it looks like it has been under attack! LOL

    I hope you find some relief. Do you live with your parents? Just wondered why they are pressuring you so. People who do not have this disease do not understand it no matter how hard you try. I have been diagnosed for about 7 years and have had problems since my early 20's and I am 43 now. I am just now learning to accept my limitations and respect them--unfortunately it took my landing on my back in complete depression and darkness for 3 months to start to really respect this disease and my body for what it is capable of and not capable of.

    I, too ,just a few months ago was working full time, taking call at the hospital and thought I was pulling it off. My knee injury was almost a blessing in disguise. I have literally slept for the most part of three months recooperating from what I did to my self for the past few years between going back to school for ultrasound and allowing a very bad employer bully me for three years.

    I hope that you find some peace and some balance soon. take it easy

    cathy
  4. queenbee69

    queenbee69 New Member

    you find some piece of mind soon. All of us here on the board at some point in time have felt just as you do. Some worse than others I'll bet. As bad as it seems right now,belive me it will get better. I'm sure you have had it with the get a better attitude speach,so I won't go there.But belive me when I say it will get better. Atleast to the point where throwing yourself out a window is no longer an option. I too have had maybe the roughest couple of months of my life and was where you are not to long ago,and before you know it one by one things work out. Never totally,but enough where you will cope. I have said before that just when you think your world is falling apart,someone on this board has a story that makes ours look simple. We are all here for you! Try and be patient! Queenbee
  5. genesis77

    genesis77 New Member

    hi


    i totally understand what youre talking about , no matter how positive i am about life , i cant help but be reminded of everything , every minute of thge day , how can anyone posibly forget aftr yrs go by & day after day you wake up & are reminded this wasnt a nightmare its in control of your life & driving you to despair , especially after all our symptoms we have to deal with people noty believing us ..................as if..............we had nothing better to do thanto make up such a story & totally stop your life in its tracks , for what???????????? ive losteverything & sufer every day for the lif that all of a sudden i cant give my daufghter even most bsic things , still having to deal with fighting disability b/c of doctors giving me all kinds of diagnoses for the last 4 yrs , now i can prove so many things are wrong with me but i still feel like i have to explain myself to people & im really tired of this dd not being recognized as what it is & the stupid name, cfs give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!try convincing someone about your illnes being so disabling with a name like this all you will hear is something like "oh, i also have cfs b/c you see i do get tired too , but that doesnt mean i cant do anything .........gee this is what we have to deal with as well as people thinking we have no goals & are just losers or depressed!!!!!!!!!!!if they only knew what we live everyday , here you have a friend,, take care sarah
  6. amorgan

    amorgan New Member

    Please stop worrying so much. I know it is so easy to say, but it does make matters much worse. Stress is the reason I am not able to work right now. My husband sometimes pressures me about work, but he worries too much. He just started his own business and he is worried what is going to happen when my COBRA benefits run out and if the business doesn't take off. To tell you the truth, I really don't care about health insurance right now. I have to worry about myself first. Things always work out for the best. I have to believe that.
  7. hbic

    hbic New Member

    Just venting my frustrations that after how many years, how much research... there is still a total lack of recognition for what this disease can do to some people. I can't get over the whole can't get SSI because at one time I wanted to be a police officer. That used to be my goal. Now my goal is just being able to make it through one day without pain, stiffness, etc....Social Services is behind the times anyways. I'll tell you what though. I am so sick of hearing from my doctor and from my worker at the medical unit of Social Services, that less than perfect childhood is what is causing all this. Who hasnt had a less than perfect childhood? Really? It's just too coincidental to me that back in 98 when I started feeling sick, that a doctor tells me, "looks like Mono but isn't," then some years later while trying to dx this, a titer shows that I've had Mono. And I know exactly when it was. It was 1996, I was dx'ed with pnuemonia, yet lost 20 pounds in 1 week, was so out of it that I didnt know my own mother, and ran a fever of 104 for two weeks straight. HMMMM? Sounds like mono to me, with a secondary infection of pnuemonia. Its just all so very frustrating sometimes. Im just worried that at some point, social services will pull the carpet out from underneath me if I can't do exactly what I ask, and leave me and my children destitute. And that is a very scary thought to me.
  8. hbic

    hbic New Member

    Just venting my frustrations that after how many years, how much research... there is still a total lack of recognition for what this disease can do to some people. I can't get over the whole can't get SSI because at one time I wanted to be a police officer. That used to be my goal. Now my goal is just being able to make it through one day without pain, stiffness, etc....Social Services is behind the times anyways. I'll tell you what though. I am so sick of hearing from my doctor and from my worker at the medical unit of Social Services, that less than perfect childhood is what is causing all this. Who hasnt had a less than perfect childhood? Really? It's just too coincidental to me that back in 98 when I started feeling sick, that a doctor tells me, "looks like Mono but isn't," then some years later while trying to dx this, a titer shows that I've had Mono. And I know exactly when it was. It was 1996, I was dx'ed with pnuemonia, yet lost 20 pounds in 1 week, was so out of it that I didnt know my own mother, and ran a fever of 104 for two weeks straight. HMMMM? Sounds like mono to me, with a secondary infection of pnuemonia. Its just all so very frustrating sometimes. Im just worried that at some point, social services will pull the carpet out from underneath me if I can't do exactly what they ask, and leave me and my children destitute. And that is a very scary thought to me.
  9. 1maqt

    1maqt New Member

    DOES THE WORLD SEEM OUT OF LIMITS? ANS IF ONE MORE PERSON ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU WILL DESOLVE INTO THE STRAISPHERE? JUST SPENT TWO WEEKS IN THE BED. AM NEXT TO 60YRS,ANS HAD 6 CHILDREN AND YES THERE NEVER SEEMS TO BE AN
    END TO THE PAIN ANS TIREDNESS.SOME EPISODES ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS. SOME LAST LONGER AND THEN THERE IS THAT REPRIEVE HOWEVER SHORT LIVED, THAT HELPS YOU SEE YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR MIND.
    STOP! LET IT TAKE ITS COURSE AND TRY NOT TO BEAT YOURSELF UP. IT IS REAL, AND JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T SEE IT DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY!!HAVE YOUR CHILDREN DOAS MUCH AS
    POSSIBLE. WORK WILL NOT KILL THEM REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY SAY. LISSTEN TO YOUR INNER SPIRIT AND COMMUNE WITH THE LORD, AND HE WILLGIVE YOU PEACE. THE LESS YOU FIGHT IT, THE BETTER IT IS FOR YOU. STRESS IS NOT A GOOD THING. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR AN ILLNESS! YOU DIDN'T CREATE THIS, AND GOD KNOWS WE WOULDN'T WANT TO ANYWAY..." BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" IS FROM PSALMS. TRY READING THEM AND SEE IF GOD DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SUFFERING. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU ALSO,
    THE QUITER YOU CAN BECOME ON THE INSIDE, THE MORE ENERGY YOUR BODY HAS TO HEAL. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, AND PEOPLE ARE CRUEL. THAT IS JUST A TRUTH. YOU ARE A WORTHWHILE PERSON AND GOD LOVES YOU TOO.
    1MAQT

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