I just want to close everyone out

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibrohugslife, May 10, 2006.

  1. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Honestly I do. I just feel like I am getting to a point with the pain and all that I go through that I just do not want to talk to ANYONE.

    I really try to talk to my parents as I live with them but that is hard to do. But anybody else out especially the normal people. They just do not get it at all. The guy I am seeing, we get along and all, he understands, nice guy, enjoy chatting with him but sometimes I just don't feel like talking to him, and I don't know why LOL.

    I finished my SSI documents and faxed them in, and so the wait begins and my SDI CA disability benefits ended soooo it is just the unknown of where money is going to come from to help with buying my supplements.

    I am at the end of the road with doctors as I do not have health insurance and exhausted my tries with getting care. I am still waiting for the county hospital to help me more. BUT there are sooooooooo many uninsured people here so the wait to see a doctor is 3-4 months.

    I will be traveling out of the oountry in the summer to try to get help with my ailments in addition to seeing family I have.

    I don't know how long I will be in the not talking phase, a few weeks, a few months? I just get tired of talking to people. It takes so much out of me.

  2. kriket

    kriket New Member

    I have a lot of days when I don't want to talk to anyone either. I don't really know why, you would think it would help me, but people just frustrate me. I always feel like no one understans me or just looks at me like they don't. I feel like I have to explain myself or something, so I avoid people. I only express my true feelings right here on this board, b/c I truly feel like you guys are the only ones the really understand. I don't have insurace either, so I know how hard it can be going to the doctor. It's ok, when you don't wanna talk, don't. Glad that you are here and I hope that you are feeling better soon. HUGS!!!!!!

  3. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    I really can sympathize. I hate it when I get in that mode, but, it just sneaks up on me and then. . . there it is. Usually, it happens when I am just totally exhausted and overwhelmed with life ( and it doesn't take much for me to feel that way unfortunately). Sometimes, I don't want to talk to people because I know they won't understand what it is I am going through, and I get so tired and mentally exhausted from trying to explain it to people who will only tell me in response, " Well, maybe they'll find a cure one day!" Somedays, I get so down, and I think, I just don't want to socialize ever again!! But then, I go to Wal-Mart, and see billions of people I know, and just seeing them and socializing with them lifts my spirits up so high, and I snap out of my isolation mode. But, it is a mode I go in and out of frequently it seems. I am so easily overwhelmed by people, so I have to be choosy where I go and how much socializing I do so I don't get so overwhelmed. But, it still happens, and sometimes, I don't answer the phone for days, just screen my calls, and I have to have peace and quiet and rest. Boy, when I go back to work in 8 weeks is it going to be a shocker to my nervous system!! he he I am dreading it in some ways, but in others, it will be very good for me. Take care, you're not alone in how you feel. LOL Carla
  4. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    I was feeling bad for not wanting to talk to people but I think I am going to just let nature take its course since I have already started.

    I usually go in and out with the no talking deal but it seems that it wants to last longer than a week. I had an emotional breakdown on Monday over the longetivity of my illness and as much as I try to not let it take over me it just does with all the horrible things I go through.

    I already make myself scarceful available in talking with healthy folks because in reality so many just do not understand. And I will never ever be able to make them understand unless they get sick themselves or have someone in their family that is.

    The nice guy I am seeing was like heeey maybe you can be a Medical Biller and well for me with my bad memory and deteroriating typing skills that would be out and that is more schooling that I don't want to take.

    Plus I want to do what I want to do in major which is help people one on one or in a group. I don't have any interest at all in being a Medical Biller since I am home. I told him there are just toooooo many catches and scams out there with that.

    Plus I am in school already, I asked him if he was going to pay for my student loans when I finish? LOL. Again he does not understand 100%, as no one truly does as they are not in my shoes.

    I would love to use this forum solely as a place to talk about what is going on with me BUT I can't as I get bashed on here sometimes for my views and treatments I am doing for myself. If no other medical professional can help me, I am not going to sit down and do nothing. I am going to do something about it. I have to be my own doctor. So I blog and post it publicly to others that have chronic illnesses and now lead (previous owner passed it down to me) my own blog group filled with those that have fibro, cfs, etc. So I mostly post some things there.

    I am considering taking down my photo since it may seem to influence others in how they respond to me which is sad. So I really do not have anywhere to turn to but God and I just will keep it that way. God won't bash me but help and guide me.

    Thanks everyone.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/11/2006]
  5. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    Just talk to Him when you get down....take care, Terri
  6. MamaDove

    MamaDove New Member

    It's much easier to NOT have to deal with comments, others exciting lives, questions, etc...

    Just yesterday, after not being out for several days, I decided that I would like to go to an estate sale in my area...My hubby took me and just as I got in there and started to look around, a previous client of mine (I once owned and ran a pet grooming salon) came right up to me and said "Oh, Is this what you do now?"...My reply was "Yes, this is what I do now"...

    What is wrong with people??? No wonder we don't want to speak to others or be in a position that we seem to have to defend ourselves and our illnesses...I am tired of it!!!

    I may not come out of this closed-up state I'm in but to me, it's only a part of the ongoing nightmare we live with daily...At least we are still trying to get along living with these ilnesses the best we can, most would have given up allready...

    You may need to go through this and then better things are waiting around the bend...I was ALWAYS looking to help others and be there for everyone around me UNTIL I realized that they would never do the same for me...I no longer waste my precious energy on anyone but my hubby and my dogs, those that I know would do the same for me...Sounds strange, I know, but that's the place I'm at right now...

    Try not to get bitter towards others tho, that's not good for you...Spend your time and energy on YOU to get you to a place where you can be more comfortable living YOUR life. It seems that no matter what WE do, people that do not have our problems cannot/don't want to understand anyway...I commend spouses and family members that try to walk in our shoes to get a better understanding of what we go thorugh and how to help, but the majority of people in my life, walked away, one by one...I became a bore and too complicated to make plans with...It's no fun being around someone that's sick, ya know...

    Take the time you need to better grasp your situation and know that you can always come here for the support you need, where we all understand, or at least we try...

    I love this board and the people that help me get through each day...I may not have my biological family, but this family I found here has made it bearable...

    Peaceful days ahead~Alicia
  7. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    i am just coming out of a period like this. i just have not had much to say to anybody. but i felt a calling from God to resort to more silence. all of my life i have tried explaining myself---why i look the way i do, why i think the way i do,etc.---to everyone in order to be accepted. now in my 30s i am coming to a place where i could care less. my husband has gone out of his way to help and support me. it is a tremendous burden on him at times, i know. i devote what energies i have to being a helpmeet to him and a good mother. to all the others who have turned away from me, i love them but no longer waste my voice trying to change their hearts and minds. that is God's job.
  8. mrstyedawg

    mrstyedawg Member

    Hey I know exactly what you mean. Good luck on your SSI, hopefully, you will be approved. Sometimes I could go days without speaking.

    Don't know if it depression or what.
  9. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Not talking is a daily happening for me. It drains my energy as much as anything. My husband has a hard time with it, as he's a huge "talker". I try to interact with him as much as possible, but when I can't & I'm down to "whispering" (do this alot), he backs off.

    So like someone else posted, I put my energy into helping myself, husband & 8 lb dog!!

    Daughter called at 7PM last night for M.D. She's known for years that I'm ill, but never acknowledges it, and just phones on special occasions at night when she knows I'm probably in bed. So then she gets angry! Family has never been of support.

    I screen calls daily, and will only allow myself phone talk between 10 & 2; then it's to bed. If I "overtalk", my insomnia gets much worse as well.

    So it's living a quiet, hermit-style life, just mingling with Mother Nature & her creatures.

  10. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    i to am also like that i like to be alone a lot i have to be alone & when im like this i just do what i want when i want.
    I love it when my daughter goes to her dads because then she gets a break from me & i can be alone.
    I have 2 cats who are my babies they never answer me back & they never take the tv remote!
    Im a serious loner there will be a lot of people who feel the same.
  11. Fibro-Kel

    Fibro-Kel New Member

    I just read your message, and wanted to say that alot of us really "DO" understand where your coming from! I also have those days' where you don't want to "Talk" to anyone.
    And sometimes you also get to a point where ya also get soooo tired of explaining how you feel, ect...

    As for turning to GOD,...ABSOLUTELY!!! Sometimes when I think this is it, I've had enough of people thinking you're lazy because you can't hold a job for very long, or it's all in "your head", or trying to get "Family members" to at least act like they give a darn, ect...

    If it wasn't for me crying out to GOD, I would have literally "thrown in the towel", a long time ago!!!!!!
    Kiddo, you have alot to be "Very Proud" of! My goodness, you're still in school, (and that's got to be difficult, especially fighting FMS/CFS at the same time!)

    And as for you "trying to treat yourself, because you can't find a good doctor, along with not having insurance, (and that DOES make things more difficult), I agree with you 110%
    If we can't get the "HELP" we need, then we have to do what we can, to live with this DD, and survive! And that does NOT make you a bad person!!!

    Please keep in touch, we really do care! And you'll be in my
    "prayers"!!! Keep your chin up.....

  12. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Don't give up even though the road of life is rough.
    I know that it seems that no one listens or hears us.
    I can't tell you that on this road of life that suddenly rose's you will find. I can say that the more you walk ,
    the more friends you will find are walking with you though this life. It is not easy to have everyone tell you that your not right, or really sick. I know because I get told that so often,along with you need to get a job, exercise more eat less, & lose wieght.

    Yes while some of those suggestions may help me most won't do much. I am the one who has to make the effort to get up and get out of bed.
    I can't change the way my family and friends feel about the fact I am taking pain meds that are narcoic. And the Oh your addicted to all that stuff, I Only know that i belivie in the path I have taken.

    EAch of us has problems with family and friends that don't understand and some times as I think about it I think that they don't want to believe in what we have.
    This is all so strange to them and they don't want to know that this could happen to them as it did us.

    TAke care of your self , know that you have real friends who do understand and will listen to you any time you want us too.

  13. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Wow I did not realize that I was still getting responses to my message here.

    I came to a conclusion that I just need to allow myself to go through the motions, and as for the not talking, I got to vent it all out with my folks and my errrr I guess I would call him my boyfriend, lol I do not care to define what we are LOL.

    I have so much other stuff to think and define. I am letting God define it for me, He does better at things than I do.

    I spend a lot of time in prayer and my own personal worship with God and I usually feel at peace. If I don't, I ask God for more guidance with it.

    I don't blame God for my health issues or anything. He allowed it to happen for a reason and I see that as an individual, I am a tool to others, to the healthy normal people, and to those that are ill.

    I love to encourage and if I can encourage one person a day, that brings me joy.

    In my times of silence I listen to a lot of classical, new age, and spiritual music to help soothe my heart and soul. I also think and talk to God, and if I can handle reading, I will read scriptures.

    There is a lot of strength in me, and lot more in me than I realize (from God) and I REFUSE to give up, and even when I am thinking that, I manage to get back on my feet and keep going.

    School is extremely hard, but I manage to do it somehow. There are times where I thought I would have to stop because my cognitive problems are so bad but I am sooo close to finishing that I can taste it.

    I don't like the group/learning teams that is required for each class, some people can really drive me up the wall when they don't want to do their part and you are struggling enough as it is to do yours.

    I hate having to call all of the shots for a lot of the groups I am in LOL. However I have about a year and a half left in school and I will be done. That will be an exciting accomplishment to have finally finished school.

    So group work I absolutely hate, I rather have the option of doing it on my own, and if I fail then it is my fault that the work did not get done. I am a do it yourself gal LOL, which can be good and bad.

    School gives me something to do and something more strive for. I like it and I need it. Otherwise I would go crazy without it. I can't imagine not having anything to do and just being home.

    The pain is horrendous and I hate it and I hate that there is not a lot I can do about it. No meds help it. My pain is beyond what any med can take on and I scared of narcotic pain meds after what I have been through with them.

    I hate the fatigue and constant weakness in my body. Waking up in morning, screaming and crying because the pain is so bad and I can't move my body well, and falling and crashing into the walls all of the time.

    I tell the docs about the falling, and crashing into things and the most response I get that this is a part of the fibro and I just have to learn to live with it.

    So yes the scars continue to appear because I crash and bang into things a lot, and end up hurting myself a lot because I lack a lot of balance.

    I thought sheesh if that is all that it takes to be a doctor and make that amount of money I should have majored in being a doctor back then. But I have too much of a heart and I care too much for people to just toss them aside like how a lot of doctors do.

    The county hospital remembered me and I have an appointment with them soon to see a pain specialist and well I will have my list of ALLLLL of the meds I have taken and make my demands LOL.

    I am trying to see if I can get some sort of health insurance as I really need to take a food allergy test along with being retested to find out if I have Lupus or Lyme, or MS, etc.

    I need to also find out what minerals and vitamins are missing from my body so that I can effectively work on getting those back to normal.

    I work out daily through Yoga, and Balance Ball every other day. I lift weights twice a week for my arms when I can. I do it because I keep falling off my bed when trying to get up in the morning and I have no strength in my arms.

    This weekend I am suppose to go to graduation party of an old friend of the family, her daughter is graduating from college.

    The last time I was there for a party I ended up sitting somewhere in the house by myself as no one else understood why I was sick and the list went on and felt isolated and alone.

    I love her family dearly but I just can't go. The mother of the daughter wants to send her older daughter over to see me, and mind you we were friends when we were kids and the drifted apart, so I am like oh lovely a visitor LOL.

    The party would be too much for me emotionally and the questions of what you are doing and why aren't you working, does not sound like an appetizing thing to experience.

    Eventually as I gain more strength I will go to the YMCA to work on strengthening my legs. But all of those things will take time.

    Anyway I speak sometimes and sometimes I don't and I have to try to not feel guilty about it and it is hard around my family as they are there for me, and I hate that I can't speak to them sometimes. My mom understands but you can see the look on her face that it hurts and I hate that.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/15/2006]

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