I know this isn't real light hearted, but ...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by annie1202, Feb 21, 2008.

  1. annie1202

    annie1202 New Member

    Does anyone else here battle anorexia?

    I do, and I am having a hard time trying to change.
    I finally 'fessed up to my hubby, and asked my pastor and his wife for help an accountability.
    But I really don't want to eat. And I'm supposed to.

    Has anyone else been here? How do I force myself to eat???
  2. morningsonshine

    morningsonshine New Member

    This place isn't just about being light hearted it's about being there for each other.

    I have a question, i hope you don't mind, do you think the Chronic Fatigue, and other problems play into the anorexia??

    I know there are times when i really do not care if i eat or not, infact i rather not. But force myself, because i know i'll only get sicker if i don't.

    Three years ago when i had my really bad relapse, i lost 18lbs in about three months. All i really ate was oatmeal and i had to force myself.

    My problem was just how sick i was i could hardly take care of myself, when i feel better i have no problem eating.

    I believe anorexia is starving yourself because you truly feel heavy?

    I'm just wonder where you fall in between these two, so those who may be able to help or offer support can better understand where you are??

    If i sound ignortant please forgive me, if CFS/Fibro can cause us to struggle with depression, and other stuff, why not anorexia too?!

    I think you were very brave to "fess" up, and i hope you get the support and help you need from your hubby and pastor.

    Hugs, and prayers, Hope i haven't spoken wrongly because i don't know much about this.

    Mornings



    [This Message was Edited on 02/21/2008]
  3. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I didn't have anorexia, but I suffered from bulimia pretty badly many years ago. I'm happy to say that it will be 23 years in August since I've been "bulimia free".
    Bulimia and Anorexia have very little to do with food. It is much deeper than that. It's about control.
    It is a very very serious condition. I am so thankful I am not battling that beast anymore - it was pure hell. Please get help as soon as you can. If it hasn't already, it will take over your life. You have to talk to someone who has experience in treating eating disorders - not someone who is going to say 'eat' or what have you eaten today. The first therapist I saw had me keep a food diary. It was a joke. As I said - it has so little to do with food itself. It is control, perception of one's self, low self esteem, screwed up body image, I could go on and on...
  4. Callum

    Callum New Member

    ...but have you tried OA? I'm a recovering bulimic (17 years), and often almost half the attendees at meetings are anorexic, not bulimic or chronic over-eaters. It so often stems from control. One sentence from your post, "how do I make myself eat?" makes logical sense, but is also telling. Anorexia (forgive my spelling, it's late...) is often a disease of people who feel they have no control; that everything else in their lives is controlled by others or outside sources. The one thing that can be controlled is food intake.

    Of course, there are other causes of anorexia - body dismorphia and medical anorexia.

    Until you can find the right medical professional to guide you through it, I really would suggest OA - you would find a sponsor, who would help you set a daily menu that your sobriety would depend on you sticking to. Hearing others stories is incredibly affirming and helpful, and working the steps, which at first seemed silly to me, was very helpful.

    This is just one person's opinion, and take it only if you think it might be valuable. I wish you the best of luck!

    Callum
  5. annie1202

    annie1202 New Member

    and I found that alot of my problem is that I use food as a punishment or reward. If I have done something wrong, I tend to not allow myself to eat. If I have reached a goal, then I will allow myself to eat but then feel guilty for enjoying it.

    I also have a huge fear of eating too much. There have been times that I will eat something that I am not supposed to (I have delayed food allergies to over 50 foods) and then I can't seem to stop. Then I will not eat for a while to make up for it.

    Right now I'm to the point that I don't want to eat at all because I'm afraid that I can't control myself and eat too much. I was overweight at one time and I don't want to get that way again. I have lost about 13 pound in the last week and a half. I eat maybe 100-200 calories a day. And although I know this isn't healthy and is damaging not only myself, but also my family, I can't seem to stop. I did find out that my liver has already started showing signs of serosis (sp?) because of the starvation.

    I do experience a lot of nuasea that I believe is from the CFS/FM. This gives me a real good excuse not to eat. And quite frankly, I really don't want to eat. And on the rare occassion that I do feel a little hungry, I ignore it because I'm afraid I won't stop eating.

    At this point, my pastor and his wife (whom I see everyday since I am also the pastor's secretary) have made a deal with me. They will help me monitor what I eat, and will make sure I don't become overweight if I will start eating again. I agreed, but I think this is going to be hard.

    My pastor and his wife are more like parents to me. My real parents are great, too. But they live 700 miles away and are going through a real stressful time right now. There is no way I would tell them about this.

    Please pray for me, and if any one has any more advice, please feel free to share.

    I will consider OA. I appreciate the advice already given.

    annie
    [This Message was Edited on 02/22/2008]
  6. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    I wish I had some advice but I don't know much about anorexia. I think you are very brave to acknowledge the problem and ask for help. I hope you find someone who specializes in anorexia. I will pray for you and I hope you will keep us updated on your progress. I hope you are able to pray for God's guidance, and I hope that he brings you the peace and ability you need to get through this.

    Hugs, Kim :)
  7. annie1202

    annie1202 New Member

    It has been a long time since I've been here.

    About a week after I started this post, I developed pnuemonia and also had infected fluid in my chest cavity, and an absess on my lung - All of this I could not fight because of the affects of the anorexia.
    I almost died. I had to have 2 surgeries and part of my lung removed.

    2 weeks after I came home from the hospital I checked myself into a residential anorexia clinic in Chicago.

    I have been home for about 3 months and it has been an uphill battle all the way - both physically and emotionally. Now the FM/cfs is worse.

    I am doing much better, though. And even though I don't want to gain weight, I would not trade what little bit of health I have now in on a pencil thin body. It's just not worth it.

    I am looking into OA. I am in definite need of a sponsor.
  8. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    I would have to second what callum said re OA. My aunt has been a counselor with OA for many years--once a victim herself. The unconditional patience, guidance, love and understanding provided by this group for those with eating disorders is unbelievable. And the counseling is ongoing in your life-- well after your initial crisis is conquered. Please do give them a try.

    Peace--Laura


    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2008]
  9. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Annie,

    I am so sorry that you have had sucha battle but it sounds to me like you ar heading in the right direction. Now you have the tools to deal with your anorexia - friends and family who car, having gone to the special anorexia residence where I am sure they have given you a lot of good tips and tools to deal with the anorexia.

    I am so glad you went to seek help and then let us all know your progress. Yes, I am sure this is not an easy process to go through and I do know it is al or mostly wanting control as others have also mentioned before.

    I do not know how old that pic is in your bio but it is very nice. You could even gain a bit of weight and it would be fine. I am sure others may have told you that to. I know you do not want to gain back the weight that you lost originally but you also want to try and keep your health too (or as much as you can).

    I think I eat pretty healthy and I still don't feel well with having FM/CMPS and arthritis. We all do what we can each day. Try and keep busy with your interests and you said you work in the church office so that should be helpful to. Try not to focus so much on your weight as you used to.

    This type of thing can have its ups and down. So I hope you will continue with the attitude you have right now. You want to try and stay as healthy as you can ( even if you hurt all the time as I do), keep busy with your family and those who love and care for you.

    Also going to meetings with those that have the same problems as you, I agree, is VERY helpful, and keep you on the right track sweeetie.

    God bless you !!

    Soft hugs,

    Granni
    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2008]
  10. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I am sorry to hear about the struggles you have endured but I am SO proud of you for taking the steps to get better!

    Anorexia, bulimia are all very hard to understand unless you've been there. One's body image is so incredily 'screwed up' (to put it bluntly)

    I can tell you that it is a Huge relief not to deal with that on a daily basis. It overtook my life - literally.
    The less you eat, the more you will gain when you do eat because your body is in starvation mode. You are better off eating small amounts of food - start with very few calories each serving, even if it's celery and peanut butter, to get used to eating, then increase.

    I'm glad you're seeking help. Sometimes I still catch myself looking at my body the way I used to, but it is short lived and I will never ever toy with that way of life again. I could tell you horrible stories.

    I'm proud of you!!
  11. annie1202

    annie1202 New Member

    It was really hard to take the steps to get help, but I would not toy with my life again.

    Yes, my body image is still really screwed up, and I have put on more weight than what I wanted. But I am seeing a new physician today, and hopefully he will be able to tell me what I am supposed to weigh, not what I think I should weigh.

    I just have way too much to live for.
  12. Callum

    Callum New Member

    That last comment will get you through - you DO have way too much to live for.

    If you do join OA, make sure you work all the steps. I kind of glossed over a couple the first time, and it got me in trouble down the road.

    I think you asked about a sponsor. First, find a meeting you feel very comfortable with. When I started 18 years ago, I was battling bulimia but was very thin. My first meeting had no one with bulimia/anorexia issues, and every one there, who was battling severe weight issues on the over side, resented my presence. That's rare. But you want to make sure that you feel safe, as it is a vulnerable enough process you are going through.

    Once you find that meeting, listen as people speak. Is there someone you connect with? If so, approach them. They might say no, but often they will direct you to someone else.

    You may go through many sponsors, especially as you grow. Don't get disheartened! It's natural! I had four sponsors in my first three years.

    Best of luck to you!

    Callum
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am so sorry for all you have been through. I have a daughter who got down to 74 pounds when she was in her teens. I know it's difficult not to focus on the weight but it isn't about the pounds. It takes some really good support (OA) and some really good therapy to get through this. The physical damage from anorexia can show up years down the road. I'm not trying to scare you but this is serious and needs help as soon as possible. You are in my prayers.

    BTW, eating disorders seem to run in families with our illnesses. There are immune disorders which run in our family and there is another cousin with anorexia. Both she and my daughter have recovered but I think the desire to diet when things get stressful is always there.

    Love, Mikie
  14. annie1202

    annie1202 New Member

    I had wondered if eating disorders and FM/CFS went hand in hand.
    I have an aunt who had fibro and an eating disorder, and my mother was also anorexic when she was younger.

    I am in therapy and I hope I am getting better, although this week has been really bad - not just with the anorexia, but with the depression and the fibro. It sometimes seems when one goes, they all do.
  15. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    BTW, my daughter's name is Annie too.

    I'm glad you have therapy available. That is what ultimately helped my daughter the most. Progress isn't necessarily linear. Some days, you take three steps forward and two backward. Over the long haul, if you stay with it, you will, hopefully, look back and see just how much progress you have made. Take a leap of faith and believe you will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Love, Mikie