I lost my self and don't know what to do?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Jun 30, 2006.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    One day I just didn't feel like me and my life started to change.
    I was not as happy as I ached all the time. No one could find out why? I had tests done many times still answers could not be found.
    I get sick so easy , a simple cold turns in to bronchitis or phemumonia if I don't get it taken care of quick. So this night I have that sore scratchy throat and sound like a cat that some one has stepped on it's tail ,when I talk , I don't sound like me either.

    Once I could get up , dressed , take care of 3 little girls and still work full time. Now I do good If I can get up at all and do some laundry . Good thing those 3 little girls are grown up and 1 hasss a babe of her own.

    I lived with headaches, cramps , leg aches and aches that just acheed for no reason at all. I remember so well the days in my teens when I walked to shcool the four blocks away and 4 back to the house and it was not a BIG DEAL, And walking up for school was not hard to do, but it is so hard to wake up before noon some days and walking the four blocks is out of the question.
    I once hung out with friends , throwing snowballs at each other when it snowed at 2 am and thinking just how much fun this was.But I would not be out throwing a snowball at noon much less 2 am as the cold would be causeing me to have pain. What has happened to me?

    What happened to the little girl who walked for blocks to see if there were little girls for me to play with? Were did the young girl go who loved to play and run and play in the ditch gettting all went and loving it. Running sliding , slipping and falling , it did not matter as it was so fun to do.
    Where did that little girl go?
    In my teens I played with friends, went to dances and football games, yelled for our team and just had the time of our lives. I had frieds glaore and loved to be around people hanging out and driving our cars. Dragging main street was so great we were off and gone most of the night. Boys were out and fun to talk to and we laughed so much at thie silliest things but no more.

    What happend to the young mother who loved to sit withher babes holding tehm when they needed comforting and watching them sleep. Telling them to grow up slowly and to stay babies longer , but they didn't listen and soon I had young daughters that wanted mommy to play hide and seek, mommy play with me, mommy can you just hold me so tight. Where has that young mother gone?

    AS the years have passed that body that once was thin is not anymore. It does not matter what I eat I still look like a beached whale at the beach. I remember who my husband and I would go to the county fair walking around looking at the bunnies and birds and all the animals too. and it was so fun to be ther with my sweetie and just being together,doing things that we both liked to do. I would paint and put things in the fair and I won many First place blue ribbons forthe things that I had painted. But no more as I just don't feel like painting any more.

    This lady sitting here typing now is not feeling so good her throat thurts adn it hurts to breathe too. she is so tired yet does not sleep. I am not who I Once was and wonder where did I go?

    So many things I want to do and so many times I just don't have the energy to do them, I want to find me the person who painted adn wond blue ribbons, the mommy who played with her babies so that now I can play with my grandbabies as two will I have soon. And one is getting to big for me to pick up and hold. He is a mover wanting to be out side walking around going fast as he can which is faster tham I can walk, How sad that my grandson who is just 15 months old walks faster than his grammy does, Where did I go and when did this happen to me?
    I am not who I used to be. NOt as happy as I was and I don't enjoy life as I once did, Where I would go out horse back riding now I could not get up on the horse and the riding part would cause more pain than fun you see. what has happended to me?

    I am not me any more I am thing woman who walks so slow and drives like a old lady, I don't have energy to do what I want to do. I don't sleep as I once did. LIfe has changed so much from when I was small , What has happended to me?
    Did I get lost and loes my way? When did this pain take over my life? when did I stop walking as it hut do mcuh to do? When did I st op being me? So many things I want to know ,questions i have that no one can anaswer for me.

    I Loved life and the all that I did,working hard as a nurse's Aide , later as a Dental Assistant who just loved my job , I was so ha ppy to work each day so what has happend to me?

    So many questions I have adn there are no answers for me. AS no one can tlel me when or where I got lost. WAS it when my dad passed away , or maybe when my MIL passed away also? WAs it watching my FIL get sicker and sicker over the years and finally leaving this life and then seeing the same thing take my gentle BIL away also. WAS it watching my own mother lay sick in a hospital and watching her fly away on a helpcopter and off to another hohhsptal. How sick she was with blood clots in her lungs. She was so out of it and yet she needed me to be there for her and I Pray that i was as I don't remember what I did for her.

    Ssso many things haev ha ppend in my lllife and much taken away from me to. Bbut just where I wnet I doo not know? this happy mother of three is there no more. she has her days where she is so happy for her daughters and all th ey did.
    I married the man that I love adn have stayed married for 25 years you know but the lady he married is not more in there as seh has left adn i don't know where she is going offnow.

    Where did I go to? Waht was it that made me change? Won't some one let me know just where I am so taht i cn go back to do what I liked to do once again.

    To many things hae happend to myh and my familiy whe e ap; jave cjmged but me the most.so where did I go once again.
    I am lost and mising who I used to be once a long time alog. I so wheredidI go ? Did I take someone with me on this journeuy in my life I don'tk now. I don't know what I am doing ?
    When or where did I get lost? I just don't know do you?

    Who am I now I must don't know.
    Just where did I go I still wonder so?
  2. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    Your post touched my heart. I still remember me too. I just hope I don't forget.

    I've asked myself this question so many times. We just have to make a new "us". The old me is no more. Death without a funeral....

  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I think your eloquent post speaks for many of us.

    I sometimes wish I had fallen down a rabbit hole or stepped through the looking glass. Then there would be a chance I might find my way out.

    I used to have expectations of getting better, but not any more. I'm on year 26, and prospects don't seem too good.
  4. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    this morning. I think I feel so close to you because we are about the same age, both battling weight and are grandmothers and of course have this DD that drives us crazy.

    We know where you are coming from and where you are. Its not a good place to be so Im praying you will get those antibiotics into your system and start thinking something positive again. Sometimes it is soo hard to find your way back but I have to do it time after time and you can too.

    I thought it was just my age(51) that has made me remember my past soo much. Of course it would be this DD instead!! It has taken everything else so why not?

    I havent seen the grandbabies in a couple of weeks. Kaylynn will turn 3 in July and John Luke is amost 8 mths. It breaks my heart that I cant keep them unless my husband (my sweet husband who tries to be there for me all of the time)is here to do most of the lifting. I hate that Im the one who has to sit in the chair and read books while Terry gets to go out and play"soccor ball, Poppa!"

    I find my mind going back to my childhood more and more. Goodness, how I miss how I used to look and the independent girl I was. Thats all gone.

    Now youve put me in your frame of mind! Thanks Rosemarie:)

    I will be praying for you and get well soon

  5. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Rosemarie you touched my heart to. I am 53 years old ,a grandmother with FM/CFS and I too have cried many a tears for the person or life I use to have.

    It's been such a long trip back to my mental health and and some days I feel like I'm slipping backwards.My physical being is totally different.I also am overweight.

    But with as much of the bad about these DD's I thu prayer, turned a corner and decided that I was the only one that was able to change anything .

    This DD has taught me a lot about myself. The old me and that life is over. I can choose to live in grief or I can change what I can and move on to living a new life. Finding a new me.

    I am much more kinder to my self and my needs. The old me only looked after the needs of other people. This DD has made me come face to face with myself. In a lot of ways I am learning to love myself and be good to myself. Taking time to do for myself. Taking care of myself.

    Yes ,I have a life filled with pain, confusion and a lot of things that are Hard to accept. I am not the person I use to be.

    But with God and a determination He's put in me ,I will make a new life for myself.If that means I have to walk slower in life to keep from getting lost then so be it.

    If I need to lay down and cry tears for myself today then I will get up tomorrow and find something to laugh about.

    It's true I'm not that person I use to be, but I won't give up on life and let this DD win. I'm going to become the best me I can be today ,not worry about tomorrow til it comes.

    I've made a deal with myself, to balance my life the best I can. To keep my mind ,body and spirit aligned the best I can. That's all any of us can do in life with the changes we have had forced on us.

    ',So I don't get to be a reporter like I always wanted to be.I will find something else I am able to do to give me fulfillment.

    I'm not that person I use to be, but even with all these defects, I plan to become even better, just in different ways. It's all in how we talk to ourselves, so be kind to yourself.

    Have patience and thu your tears of loss, like the phoenix thu fire, you will emerge to live again .You will be happy again and when you aloud yourself these changes ,you will find that girl has turned into a better women because of her struggle.

    I care about you, I've been where you are .Trust God ,trust yourself she's still inside ,you will find her again ,she just needs to be accepted the way she is now, by you.
    Your in my prayers Sorry this went so long.

    Oh I waited to use my real name on this board for the right time. I see myself in you. My real name is

    Ann its nice to meet you!

  6. spmary

    spmary New Member

    Oh,Rosmarie---I sit here and cry for you,me and all the others on this board,for we all could have writen this.

    But I liked carebelle's reply. I think her advice is "right on". I'm trying. Hugs to us all, Love, spmary
  7. Astarte

    Astarte New Member

    You made me cry too. You described my own life reflections I've had lately of my own life. Sounds like for most of our lives.

    I don't know what this new me will be like and it's scarey. This was supposed to be my time in my life. Not having to care for babies anymore, kids are all growing and it was my time to paint or work. It seems there's nothing left of me. Seems we all feel similar unknowingness. I kept the clothes in my closet that are one size too small for me thinking I'd be able to fit in them. I came to the realizsation a couple of weeks ago that wouldn't happen. I have a couple of things that fit, sort of. But I think I'd be uncomfortable in anything, uncomfortable in my own skin even.

    I'm pretty stubborn to give into something that I don't like. I've been able to change anything to the way I wanted it, making myself happy usually or being content with minor changes. Now that seems impossible. What future do I have? Will I be living in some slum apartment when I'm very old because it seems impossible to find a job with this illness.

    Sleep...I remember what that was like too. Burning the candle at both ends, working all day, happy hour after with friends and co-workers, dancing till 2am, home and in bed by 3am...up at 7 and back to work a full and energetic day on 4 horus sleep. If it wasn't happy hour, it was movies or dinners with friends or dates. Never sitting still. Taking care of my kids, spending time with them, my family, never collecting dust on my feet. I want my life back too.

    This new life doesn't seem interesting at all. It angers me and hurts me at the same time. I want to blame someone. It should be someone's fault, only so if it were there would possibly be a solution or maybe it's so I could accept this new life. Does that make sense.

    Rosemarie, I want to paint again too. I used to be murals and faux finishing. Oil paint to the wee hours of the night while lisening to rock music and drinking wine. I miss that. I'm waiting for a good day so I can do it again even for one day. My easel sits here waiting for me.

    My son's friend asked me when I was going to finish my current painting...I said I'd just been in pain for so long it's hard to sit right now but soon.
  8. Jeanette62

    Jeanette62 New Member


    Your post was so touching it's hard to see through my tears to even type. I feel like I've lost a part of myself too, but not all of me. I'm on the road to recovery and hope to get well someday. Hope is all I have left. Don't give up.

    I'm only 46, married 25 years like you and my children are 21 and 18 and no grandchildren yet. My daughter is having a hard time accepting my lack of energy since the FMS hit me a year and a half ago. I led such an active busy life and now I have less than half the energy I use too. It's a tough adjustment for me and my family.

    Good luck to you. Take it one day at a time.

  9. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I just wrote a long response and lost it.
    I think many of us grieve for the loss of our healthy selves.
    I took my good health for granted. I now look at other people, healthy, energetic, laughing,running,eating huge spicy meals - people with excellent appetites, and wonder what it would be like.
    I am feeling down today.
    I know you really suffer with pain and sometimes your kids don't understand why you need pain meds.
    That must be very hard.
    I heard someone ask her husband the other day, "what is your life goal"?
    Without hesitation he blurted "to survive"
    Isn't that the truth? To make it through one day at a time.
    These days I try hard to remember my blessings.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/01/2006]
  10. kriket

    kriket New Member

    I have often asked myself the same question. I used to be so active. I was a cheerleader in high school and I could not do a cheer now if I wanted to. I keep thinking back of pep rally's and football games and how active I was not to awfully long ago and then boom it seemed as if all of a sudden I started feeling drained and achy feeling.

    First it was every once in a while, then it got a little worse and now my old self is just not there any more either. My mom sometimes will ask me where the old me went when I was so bubbly and laughing all the time. I just want to cry, I do on the inside it kills me.

    I tell her I wish I knew. I just tell her that it is hard to laugh and be bubbly when you are dog tired and in pain most of the time. Thank you for posting about "My old self" It almost brought tears to my eyes. Thank god we all have each other here to talk to and understand each other. HUGS TO YOU AND ALL!!!!!!!


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