I need a serious HUG

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cjr2003, May 7, 2006.

  1. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    Hi all. I am so sad. My hubby and I got into a fight

    tonight over some comments his mother made to me at church

    potluck this evening. This storm has been brewing for a

    while. Joyce( his mom)makes comments, my feelings get

    hurt, I complain about it, that does no good, I get over

    it, and life goes on it's merry little way. A time will

    pass and Joyce and I will get closer; then , out of the

    blue like PMS, she gives me another blow below the belt.

    Same cycle goes on of me complaining, only a little more

    each time it happens, and then I realize it's time to get

    over it, and life moves on it's merry little way. ( I am

    sarchastic - this is not like me really) Well, tonight at

    potluck, she and I sat right next to each other and we

    chatted and I even shared how I had tweezed her sons

    eyebrows earlier that day, and to go and pick on him and

    tell him they're crooked just for the fun of it :>) Well,

    then Conrad walks by and tells me I need to go and get some

    white fudge cuz it's just too good!!! And I told him I was

    going to have to pass because I was full up, and had had my

    limit on sugar for the night anyhow! And from across the

    room - Joyce was listening in on our conversation, and she

    says, after my comments, " Yes you have had enough !"

    really loud. Now, if I were an overweight person, that

    would have hurt my feelings tremendously, but, I am at 123

    pounds as of yesterday. So, I had a piece of pound cake -

    didn't even finish it all, and 2 small pieces of Niemann

    Marcus cheese squares. And that satisfied my sweet tooth.

    But Joyce sits and watches people and I guess in her mind I

    had hit my limit on how much I was allowed to eat. My

    reason for having a problem with her comments were

    basically this. How much I eat is none of her business. If

    I were overweight, it still would be none of her business.

    And if she cares about me in a loving way, and wanted to

    express that she was concerned about my intake of food, she

    should have said such in a loving manner to me. All i got

    was a snide, rude comment that embarrassed me in front of

    alot of people. So , I was explaining how this hurt my

    feelings to my husband and he just couldn't believe that

    his mother could say such a thing and mean it in any bad

    way. I told him It came out as a snide comment -

    especially the way she said it. Then, we got into this big

    discussion on how much my parents get on his nerves, and

    that wasn't very pleasant. We didn't go to bed angry , but

    I am not sure it is all worked out either. I cried and said

    I didn't want him to go to his mother and caution her about

    how she speaks to me ,because I would never live that one

    down. It would be hell with no escape route. ( period)

    But, it is just so exhausting, getting over one snide

    remark, forgiving that, only to get snided again a few

    weeks later. I just want a big group HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!! And

    to run away for forever!!! But, since I cling to reality

    and working through problems, I guess I am stuck here.

    Does anyone know what I am talking about? It is so late,

    and I really need to be in bed, but this is bugging me to

    death. Why do in-laws have to be so hateful and hard to

    get along with? Where is my "easy-

    button"??????????!!!!!!!!!!!oh yea, reality check!!!! there

    arent' any of those in our reality!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks

    for listening, if you can relate, share a story, please

    post. LOL Carla
    [This Message was Edited on 05/07/2006]
    P.S. My mother in law is actually overweight and diets quite frequently, but I NEVER EVER comment on the type of food she eats or how much or ANYTHING! To me, that just isn't proper etiquette to say to someone, anyone, especially my MIL, "HEY, Sally, don't you think you need to skip the desert tonight?" Weight watchers is tomorrow!! I could be so mean, but, you know what, it takes so much energy and brain activity and spite to do all that and I have no energy and little brain activity on my good days!!!!!!!!!! he he he ok - at least I got a laugh out of that. [This Message was Edited on 05/07/2006]
  2. kriket

    kriket New Member



    A GREAT BIGGGGGGGGG HUUUUUUUUUUG FROM ME TO YOU. SOMETIMES MY FIANCE AND I GET INTO SPATS LIKE THIS TOO. I ALWAYS FEEL SO BAD AFTERWARDS. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. JUST GIVE IT A LITTLE TIME. YOU TWO WILL MAKE A MEND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. HANG IN THERE. THINKING ABOUT YOU.

    HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HHUGS HUGS HUGS
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    KRIKET
  3. Crispangel66

    Crispangel66 New Member

    I am so sorry for what has been done to you there is never any reason for anyone to say that to anyone else.

    I thank God that I had the MIL that I did, she was such a good christian.

    She treated me like one of her own kids, which was very nice she never said a bad word or a bad thing about anyone.

    Every morning she read her bible and sang beautiful hymns.

    I always enjoyed being with her, or around her.

    Of course she has passed and I miss her so, she died of cancer just like my mom.

    My husband felt about my mom the way I felt about his, they were both just really good people.

    Also my FIL passed and he was a very sweet man.

    Although I can't say I have never been through what you have but never with my MIL, other members of my family have said and done tings behind my back and then wonder why I get upset about it.

    Pamela
  4. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    Thanks kriket for that monster hug!! I am hangin' in there, i really am. Just shaken up at how verbal our fight got and how much stuff came out that I didn't know that my hubby felt about my parents. But his is just pet peeves and stuff, but he really takes those quite seriously, and it irritates him to have a pet peeve boundary crossed. I have to laugh at his pet peeves sometimes, because I understand why stuff bugs him. It's the same stuff that bugged me when I lived at home - well, some of it. Thanks for the happy thoughts. :>) LOL Carla

    desertsage - I know!! I catch myself avoiding her, and then I feel bad, and go and socialize a little and then the snake bites!! Honestly, I don't think she is a very happy woman. There is zero love between her and her husband. She shows so little compassion for anyone. I always get back up fighting after a run in w/ her where she says something that I think was unneccessary or rude. The sad thing is,I don't think she has a clue how her words impact me. She just lets the words roll without a thought as to their impact. Or maybe she has thought it through and says it anyhow! I don't know. Sun. am she sits right next to me and it is a 20 minute interrogation every time. I am trying to center my mind on God and get ready for worship services and meanwhile I have a nosey MIL asking none of her business questions and gossipping about the latest thing. Now, you see why I want to run away!! LOL Carla
  5. tinypillar

    tinypillar New Member

    was just like that.

    She'd always say mean/rude things to me and her son in law (ex's sister's husband). When I realized this was going to be a losing battle I decided to change how I reacted to what she said.

    I'm not one to keep my mouth shut, and sometimes I'd fire back with something equally not nice, but I was young and dumb back then. I learned returning something nice, and even more difficult trying to mean it, made it more difficult for her mean words to hurt my feelings.

    Something you can say if she comments about what you are eating - get a big smile (force it if you have to) and say how lucky you are to have someone watching out for your wellbeing, then promptly change the subject.

    My ex was a doormat to her, and even though he disliked his mom and would even say how mean/rude she was, he'd never stand up for me or say anything to her.

    Not getting along with the inlaws is difficult for everyone. Even if your spouse agrees that they are being rediculous.
  6. gladone

    gladone New Member

    Carla,

    I'm sending you a great big hug because I know what your going through.

    Just always remember that you are better than your mother in law's behavior. Do yourself a favor and take the high ground. Remain proad of who you are and the reasons your husband chose you to be his wife.

    Focus on your happiness and don't let her get you down. Also, just know that your husbands mama is acting like a child and enjoy that in your own head.

    I personally have a mother in law who dislikes me so much she won't speak to my husband anymore. For us (our relationship) this has worked out better all the way around. But truth be told it is hard on my husband to have had to choose me (he should not have had to).

    So, even though it won't be easy try to take his mama with a grain of salt. Just let things roll off your back more, even if only for the sake of your relationship with your husband.

    Remember to pat yourself on the back for being woman enough to marry into his family in the first place.

    Have a great evening!
    Glad


    [This Message was Edited on 05/08/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/08/2006]
  7. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Here is a big hug for you.....

    Anyway, my dear from this day forward, do not ever, ever let this woman push your buttons again. She is so happy she upset you.

    Learn to turn it back on her and she will be so upset herself. He negativity will bounce right back to her.

    The very next time she says something, "anything" that could be interpreted at mean spirited, just look at her and say "you could be right" , smile, and go on. Do not, under any circumstances show you are upset or bothered by anything she does. Pretend like this is a game.

    Another thing to say is to repeat back to her what she said. For example, she said you are ugly, just repeat it, I am ugly? Maybe you are right....smile and go on. No negativity from you. Rise above her, you are better than that.

    Believe me, once you get used to this, you will think it is funny, you will have power over her and it will be funny.

    Do not give her this power over you, she does not deserve it.

    Sadly, don't expect your husband to be a hero. I have gone down that road with my husband. Some men just can't handle it and his mom is just trying to cause trouble.

    You can do this. If you pray, ask for strength to walk away from her and not play into her evil childish games.

    If you can do this, she will very soon stop her comments because she is the one who will be upset all the time, she won't like it.

    So bottom line, whatever she says, agree with her and walk away smiling. You will drive her nuts....
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member



    Let me share this with you from both a DIL and MIL's prospective: I have two sons and two DILs. I have to work hard to bite my tongue because I remember how things my MIL said would hurt me. Looking back now, I'm sure that was just her personality but I was a sensitive little thing.

    Being the mother of a grown son can be hard because sons don't often stay close to their moms like girls do and we miss them sometimes. Yet, men do love their mothers and wives easily hurt feelings puts them in the middle. While I firmly believe men's loyalties should be first with their wives, I say give all three of you a break. After all, YOU have the boy.

    Marta
  9. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Sounds like my mother in law.:>(

    She likes NO ONE but herself!

    Has turned grandkids, family, friends, against her!!

    And doesnt understand why!!!!

    She is so rude to everyone!!

    Talks sweet to you ( at times,something she wants),

    Then says awfull things about you, to other people.

    Which get back to you!!!

    gentle hugs,
    Jordane
  10. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    {{{{{{{{{HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS }}}}}}}}}}

    My mother in law was like that. What hurt the most was that she would have nothing to do with my boys. NOw that hurt. She has alziemers and is in a nursing home with just a body now. Do we reap what we sow? I wonder. You know we love you and understand.

    Suzette
  11. UnicornK

    UnicornK New Member

    There's my hug.

    My MIL is wonderful, but she's of the old school...tough it out! Sometimes she says things that seem mean-spirited, but realizing how she is, I just let it run off. I know she means well. And if I give her info, she will read it and understand.

    I love her (and FIL) alot. Told hubby I married him for his family. LOL

    God Bless.
  12. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    No matter what our parents may say, we cannot change them. I know that it is hard, but you know a son is not going to criticise his mom unless he starts it!!!(then he will want you to agree (LOL).

    I think your MIL may just have been "thinking aloud" in that maybe if she has to watch her weight she just applies that thinking to everyone. Some people are just very vocal, they do not understand they are interfering-like the mom on Everyone Loves Raymond, she loves the kids, just can't keep her mouth closed.

    I always used to ask my clients, "How important would this be if you discover tomorrow that your (MIL, mom, DH. sister etc) has only a couple of weeks to live?" Or how important would this be if we were suddenly in a nuclear war?" My friend who lost her brother in 9/11 told me that if only she had been less critical of him (you know that brother/ sister rivalry)if only they had more time together.

    I always think that nothing much is important enough to row about unless it is life changing. Life is just too short. I put up a good argument, but only when it counts, like with the school or the doctor or some political issue.

    You know what I would do, I would tell your DH that you love his mom even though she is a bit outspoken, but no where near as much as you love him. I would also say, I hope you can say that about my mom and dad too and we can put yesterday behind us. I am pretty certain that he will.

    I am also sending you a BIG HUG. I am not saying we should never be annoyed or upset by the comments of others, but the person to talk about it with was your MIL not your DH(who has no control over her). If my MIL had said that I would have said, "Oh WHO says?"and turned it into a joke. I have found that when my MIL used to be this way, I could joke her around and despite the fact she annoys me from time to time,as I am sure I do her too, she really is my best friend.

    Carla you are a sweet person and I know you can overcome this and see it in a slightly better light, rather than let it hang like a cloud over you.

    Much Love, Your friend, Anne C
  13. Kinsie

    Kinsie New Member

    Both of my in-laws have passed away. But, I have been married to their son since I was 16 years old, so I have definately been part of the family almost all my life. My Mom and Dad moved away ( with my Dad's work) shortly after we got married, so my mother-in-law stepped in to "finish raising me, and her son" as she used to say!

    Anyway, my in-laws were great people, and we never had any cross words or anything. They would not have been mean to me on purpose for anything. But, they both were the type of people that wanted everyone to agree with them on what they thought. I found out early in our marriage to just go along with what they said, and it worked out very well.

    Their other daughter-in-law did not go along. She spoke her mind ( even more than she needed to), and it just didn't work out between them.

    That's about the only trait that I can think of that I had to work around all those years. If they said a house was pretty, and if I said "I don't like that style of house", then you could tell it wasn't going over very good!!

    All in all, I had wonderful in-laws, but I know exactly what you are talking about because I have seen in first hand in my family.

    The other posters are right, I think, when they say not to let your mother-in-law know her comments upset you. Then you've taken all the fun out of it for her!!

    Good luck.

    Kinsie
  14. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    I really appreciate ALL of the good advice from EVERYONE today. ( this is just what I needed :>) - along with all the hugs :>)))) ) I noticed that one of the things that everyone seemed to agree on was changing how I reacted to the comments that hurt my feelings/bother me. Honestly, I don't usually have a reaction till a few hours after these things have been said, and then I get in a bad mood/talk to my husband about what was said. When she says these things, I usually respond with either no reaction/no response because I just don't know what to say to her; or I get quiet - being stunned that she would say such blunt hurtful things. I am slow to react it seems alot. I don't know if it is the fibro or what but these things hit me after the fact and then it really bothers me. I really liked the ideas on what to say in the future when she catches me offguard. Usually, it seems I am sleepy when she says these things/ very relaxed/ spacey/ as I can tend to be when I am around the whole family at once. Maybe it is my way of responding to the "sensory overload" that I experience. So, when she does say something inappropriate, I am stunned and then say to myself, "Did she really just say that outloud?" I don't even think she knows how much any of the things she says upset me. I don't think I show it outwardly, I really don't. And last night I told my husband not to say anything to her, because I didn't think it would make anything any better. I agree that we should always honor our fathers and mothers ( and FIN and MIL's), and that they should be treated with love and respect, even when they don't deserve it. Turning the other cheek is something I have done all my life. But, it still doesn't make it any easier dealing with this. I would never ask my husband to make a choice between his mother and me; that is somewhere I would never go. Anne: I think you are right about Joyce thinking aloud about everyone else needing to watch their weight since that is what she is doing right now. Joyce is very opinionated and it IS hard for her to keep her thoughts to herself and to keep her nose in her business and not everone elses. I agree that when it comes down to it, this stuff is just piddly and tomorrow I will probably be over it all again. I never hold grudges. But, it is hard when one person continually repeats unneccesary behaviour; it just reminds me of the last thing they did the time before that upset me , you know? Does that make sense? After my husband and I had words last night, I went down to the church building and did clean-up for 2 hours. He called me on his cell phone and came down there and we talked. When the conversation was over I had told him that I love his mom, and this is just normal MIL and DIL stuff just like his pet peeves about my parents. I told him I didn't want to go to bed angry and we made up and I felt a little better. Then when I came home I asked him if everything was really alright between us, and he said, yes, of course, and I asked him for forgiveness if I had spoken about his mother in a sinful way. I have made several complaints about her behaviour in the past month, and it all added up with him, just like her comments add up with me. My mom always encourages me to rise above those who seek to insult us or those who say hurtful things, and she has helped me with this is in the past. What bothers me is that I have to keep enduring these comments. It never seems to get better, and it really does bother me. Maybe I am a sensitive person, but that is just who and how I am, and I would think that with my MIL knowing me for as long as she has that she would know this (she does) and out of respect for me, watch her tongue. I never comment on what she eats. That is not appropriate in my book, and not my place to say. Anyhow, thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate the support. Love, Carla
  15. pam119

    pam119 New Member

    Don't feel alone. . .my in-laws . . .aggh! One of my sister-in-laws in the dominant one in my husband's family. . .she is always there for her family. . .and I do mean "always". . .she is a good person. . .but very controlling . . . that doesn't get too far with me. . .but she does control the others. . .yuccck!!
  16. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    There you are you knew how to deal with this all along. Big hugs. Just remember that Raymond MIL-I lived next door to a woman who was a lot like that woman, yet SHE complained that her MIL was like the Raymond one-talk about laugh - she had NO idea she was really controlling she saw herself as placid, yet she bossed everyone around - the neighbors called her names for sure. She had a heart of gold though.

    Much love, be really kind to Carla . Big Hugz. Anne C