I need advice!

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by amashalex3, Sep 22, 2002.

  1. amashalex3

    amashalex3 New Member

    I hope that there is someone that can help me. My Dad is 66 yrs old, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year ago last May. My brother and I agreed that he would move from Missouri to Iowa with me. He had been living on his own since my Mom died four years ago. I had recieved calls from the Social Security Admin. stating that he was coming in making threats and saying someone named "Jesus" was stealing from him. He was not taking his med's, or eating properly. He is a Type 2 Diabetic along with a bad medical history. He has been in my home for only about two months now. I had to have him hospitalized after the first week because he was getting very agitated and making threats to me. He even accused my husband of hitting him. Little did I know, they put Alz. patients on the psyc. ward of the hospital. I felt like scum of the earth. They now have him on a higher dose of his antidepressant, and on a anti-psychotic called Resperidal. That seemed to help for awhile. Although he still gets pretty mad about his money and accuses me of stealing it. I had no idea how much this was going to affect myself and my family. I though I was going to save the day. My marriage is going down hill very quickly. My husband feels that I never give him any of my time. I have a three year old daughter that doesn't understand why Mommy never feels like playing, and wants to know why she can't watch cartoons anymore since Grandpa has complete control of the Television. I am completey drained. I feel like I never get enough sleep. My doctor has already raised the dose of my antidepressant. My husband wants him to go into a home, and to be honest a part of me does too. I have this overwhelming guilt upon me for even putting that in writing. My Dad has stated time and again that he does not want to be put in a home. He also has a dog that he says is his "life saver", and it would tear him up to be apart from his dog. Our finances are getting way out of hand, especially with a grocery bill that has more than doubled. My brother seems to think that I am giving up, and who knows, maybe I am. Could someone with experience in this situation please help me. I am desperate.
  2. jules777

    jules777 New Member

    hi amashalex3! don't feel guilty, you are only hurting yourself & your family by doing so. i'm so sorry about your situation. if your dad requires so very much of your energy and it is hurting your young family then it is perhaps time to have him live in a nursing facility. they can monitor his meds and care for him 24/7 (that is what they are there for, 24/7). i know your heart is in the right place and you love him but you have to put your young family first. it is not your responsibility to be his 24/7 caregiver. if your dad was well, i'm sure he woudn't want to feel like a burden to you, your family or your brother. no one would "want" to go into a nursing home so of course he would say no. he is not able to make the best decisions for himself anymore so you have to do that for him. perhaps you could keep his dog and maybe the nursing home would allow you to bring the dog for visits? get yourself some legal advise first in case there are financial issues to be taken care of prior and have an attorney be the one to admit him (they will do the paperwork in the best manner to protect him). it is okay and it will be okay if you have him live in a nursing home. he may do poorly or he may do great but whatever happens is not your fault so don't feel guilty!!!!!! lots of extra hugs, jules777
  3. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Hi & Welcome..Some very nice person had your post on the ALZ board, I'm so glad she did, because I don't often check the Caregiver's Board that much anymore..So Please feel free to post on the Alzheimer's Board you will probably get more responses there..
    OK, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM, I'VE BEEN THERE!! (let me tell you a little about myself, and then I will address your situation)
    **I took care of my Mother for 5yrs after the death of my father..At that time, she just wasn't capable of being alone, nor could she do it financially..Now, remember one thing, I do love my Mother and would do anything for her!! But it can sometimes be bad (like in my case) having her move in with me..She constantly tried to tell me how to raise my son (he was 9 when she moved in); at times, she would treat my son like crap, didn't want him to be a kid, expected him to just sit, be quiet, and never, ever mess anything up or let something lay around..My son went to bed many of night after she started on him at the dinner table, and made him cry, so off to bed without dinner..
    Well then my mother got sick, needed two operations, I brought her home after the first operation..Well she also had the beginnings of Alz by this time..Plus the fact that she was so weak after this surgery, she had even gone to a nursing home then for rehab..I tried my best to take care of her, she needed 24/7 care..WELL, I ALMOST LOST IT MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY..I only did it for 12 days, and was getting about 3hrs a sleep a night..Couldn't get anything done in my house, AND BASICALLY FORGOT ALL ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND SON!! Well it turned out she needed a 2nd surgery and this one put her back more, both with the Alz/dementia and her over all physcial health..THANK GOD, I HAD AN UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND..But I really don't think, he would have taken it much longer, he saw how I was getting, and said, "DONNA, YOU CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, YOU ARE MY WIFE, AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUN YOURSELF TO THE GROUND"..

    Ok, now that is basically my story..About you now..First of all, you are a good daughter for taking him into your home..And you also must have a pretty good husband for saying yes to that, there are a lot of men out there that would put up a fight about letting their inlaws move in..
    DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, because he had to be put in the hospital on the psch. ward..That is the hospital's policy, not yours!!Alz patients will accuse people of stealing and doing things to them that are not being done, that is normal with alz..I know I felt guilty keeping my Mom in the nursing home (& to be honest, I sometimes still do); BUT THAT IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE!!
    You have a husband and 3yr old daughter THAT HAVE TO COME FIRST..I went round and round with that one, with my drs, the nursing home staff and drs..YOU CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH..

    I have suffered from anxiety/depression problems for many years, and when I had my Mom at home, things got worse for me..IT IS NOT WORTH IT, TO PUT YOUR OWN HEALTH AT RISK, OR THE RISK OF LOOSING YOUR HUSBAND..I am probably sounding a little cruel here, no just telling it the way it is..I also have other health problems to content with..
    Let me ask, is your brother willing to take him..From what you are telling me, I personally think your father belongs in some type of faciltiy, nursing home, assisted living etc..You mentioned you Dad's dog..If he were put in a home, would you be willing to keep the dog..If so, most n/h are more than willing to let you bring pets in, you could take the dog to see him every so often..I have 2 dogs which my mother was very attached to, and I take them over to the home now and then..

    Also, by putting him somewhere, it doesn't mean he can never come out..You could bring him home once in awhile for a day, or take him out to eat, or just for a nice drive..
    From my personal experience, I have taken things in to the nursing home from home, that are sentimental to my Mom, such as pictures, etc..

    The number one thing I always tell someone placing a loved one in a home, is : MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN AT THE HOME!!
    I think this is vital..That way they know what you expect from them and a lot will do things to make sure everything is the way you want it for your father..I really went to visit my Mom a lot in the beginning, so she didn't think I was just putting her there and forgetting about her..I went so much, that half the people there thought I worked there..I eventually had to cut down on my # of visits a week..But when I'm not there I do talk to her on the phone everyday..

    You also have a 3yr old daughter..If your father is getting worse with his alz. you really have to be careful with your daughter, don't let the two of them alone..I'm not saying this because of sexual reasons, put alz patients can get violent and start hitting people..I really know nothing about alz patients and their sexual habits..Your daughter needs you..

    Another thing, does someone have POA for your father..If not, it would be a wise idea to get it NOW..Talk to his doctor, and see a lawyer about getting it..It will make things so much easier when it comes to nursing care, and just over all health care, and money mangement..It doesn't have to be only you, you and your brother could share the responsiblity..

    Please go over to the ALZ board, someone else has also responded to this post of yours..
    I really don't know what else to tell you at this point, but please don't take the chance of ruining a good marriage, and putting your own health at risk..No one WANTS to be in a nursing home, but sometimes it just has to be..
    If you would like my email address, please let me know..
    Take Care........God Bless.........Donna..........