I need HELP, big time! So depressed and don't know what to do!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Saoirse3, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    I may or may not have mentioned the problems I have with my kids, but last weekend everything came to a head. My oldest daughter is in the military. I am well aware that she had a terrible life growing up (her father kidnapped her when she was 3 and kept her from me for 26 years. He died of a heroin overdose. But not before beating and abusing her). She cannot get past it and blames me and all family members. Her sisters are "trailer trash b***hes", her step mother is a monster. She destroys every relationship by her anger and her violent outbursts. If someone does not act the way she wants them to, they are treated to her verbal spewing and rage. She is VERY good at what she does for the Navy (she's a weapons instructor - yeah, go figure!). But she wants power and glory off base and I have tried to tell her that off base you are Miss Ordinary Person and in a civilian world, which does NOT have to take orders.

    Last week she called me and told me that I MUST email her boyfriend and tell him to stop being mean to her. I told her I didn't want to get involved, that personal adult relationships (she's 30 years old!) were the responsibility of the adults. She said that it was MY DUTY TO PROTECT HER from people and that she was asking for a favor. I reluctantly wrote her boyfriend a very kind email. The next day she screamed and screamed. I was on HIS side, why didn't I just send him flowers, I was stupid, ineffective and didn't care. I told her when she acted like that, she sounded very much like her father. She screamed that I would PAY for that remark. She sent the POLICE to my house! She told them I had drugs, weapons and a bomb in the house! I watched in horror as the police went through my house, and asking if it was safe to sit on the couch or was there a bomb? I talked to them calmly and said there were no drugs, no guns and I sure as hell didn't know how to make a bomb! I showed them my meds - insulin, BP, Robaxin, Ibuprofen. And a shelf full of supplements, teas. They called my middle daughter and she assured them I was NOT crazy. I was sensitive and her sister was rude, domineering and a control freak. After they left it was all I could do to walk. I became very ill and pain just shot through every fiber of my body. My husband came home to find me sobbing in a corner. He was furious with her. He talked to me gently and said to think of Kauai, aloha and all the places I loved. She called him the next day and started screaming at him that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. He told her to go get help and get over herself. And leave us alone until she could be respectful and civil. She called her sister and tore into her, while she was at the zoo for my granddaughter's birthday. My daughter told her to go to he**.

    I am sick and depressed. She told me this was all my fault, because I "abandoned" her. I don't know how to help. I am very afraid for her and also for the Navy. What if she goes off completely and hurts someone? I've seen other soldiers and sailors do it. She is retaliatory and not stable. I don't want the verbal abuse back, because it became a daily thing. I am so far into flare, numbing, aching pain that I just want to stay in bed forever. I know it's depression, I know I have to fight that feeling. But I feel like I am trying to climb Mt. Everest barefooted.

    I know this is really long, but I needed to write it down. Any and all advice will be most welcome.

    Soft hugs,
  2. emah

    emah Member

    I am so very sorry that you had to experience that. It sounds like a nightmare and my only thought is , of course you are in a flare. I have no idea how it feels to be you right now but I do know about depression, outside influences, and just living life.

    I do know the most important person in your life right now is YOU and whatever it takes for YOU to be "ok" is exactly what you probably need to do.

    I am not a doctor but it sounds to me like your daughter needs some outside help. That is on her responsibility, but it is your responsibility as to how much you allow her to influence your life and how you are going to feel. Sometimes we have to love people from a distance.

    It would be easy for me to say what you SHOULD do but like I said earlier, I do not know what it is like to be you.

    IMO, it took a lot for you to share this with others. I have found that these boards are a good place to be. I am one post away if there is anything I can do.

    {{{{Soft Hugs}}}}
  3. clementyne

    clementyne New Member

    I am so sorry you had to go through this! It is no wonder you are in a bad flare right now!

    Your daughter obviously needs help that she is unwilling to seek out - in fact, she may very well believe all the venom that she spews out. Who knows what lies her father told her about you over the years, besides the abuse she suffered @ his hands.

    I know you love her & I know you feel guilty about the things that happened to her but you must remember that this is not your fault & you do not deserve this treatment. You need to protect yourself from your daughter.

    Talk to your other family members about what to do. Maybe you need to write a letter to her explaining that you love her but cannot allow her behavior to tear the rest of your family apart. Maybe you need to write a letter to her superior in the military outlining your concerns for your daughter.

    It is so hard to know what to do in situations like this but know that you will always receive support here.

    Praying for you!
  4. FaithHopeCure

    FaithHopeCure New Member

    Oh my goodness, my dear bird friend. Your daughter does not know the kind loving person that you are. I remember reading your post about your bird friends and added that story as one of my favorites. It was such an inspirational and loving story to those who read it! A great lesson of what we all can do to give back to nature and others.

    Your daughter needs a heavy dose of forgiveness in her heart. I will pray for that...the hatred she has is pure anger that she has not even begun to process. Geez, if only she would allow your love to penetrate her hardened heart. Remember that she is MAKING A CHOICE to see you only as a the cause of all her problems.

    I know you believe in a higher power, so right now step back and allow the spirit to protect you from the emotional stress she has caused you. Try very hard to decompress and know that your are loved! Take a long break from her if you can. Let her know that you are willing to love and speak to her when she is ready to forgive and speak lovingly and kindly to you. Go back to your birds and they will reenergize you! So glad you have a loving husband....be good to yourself. :)
    [This Message was Edited on 04/17/2012]
  5. spacee

    spacee Member

    what ppl have written you is true but I know (as much as I can) how
    much stress this has got to be.

    I really feel for you and your daughter.

    Wish I could give you some advice.

    I do care...

  6. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    Thanks so much to all of you for being there for me! Some of the original heartache has worn off and I am feeling better. I realize that it was NOT my fault, that life just comes at you and I think every single one of us wishes there was a "rewind" button on the tape of life. But there's only one direction: forward. And that's where I must go.

    You're so very right. I DID put everything in Spirit's hands. I sometimes wonder if Spirit ever gets tired of my just talking and saying "Look, I can't do this by myself. I need You to take over for awhile, because everyone thinks I suck at this and I'm beginning to feel the same way!" I think "Jeez, that's some prayer THERE!" But then I feel warm and fuzzy, like I am curling up on my Mom's lap and she's saying "Hush, now, it's going to be okay." And I know that it will.

    Besides, you can't keep a Scot down for long. Too much Highlander fight in this one (pass the haggis!). And what the Scots didn't keep, the Irish took! What a combo! Scottish fight and Irish wit (some would say that's half true! LOL!)

    Thanks for your support. You all ARE nukabiitka (the Inupiat word for "my family").

    Soft hugs,
  7. cal-bunnygirl

    cal-bunnygirl New Member

    Glad you are feeling better. Like the others have all said. Not much you can do or should do really. Just take good care of yourself and hopefully her behavior will end up causing her to have to get some help on her own. Sounds like you can't help her since she isn't a place to receive it.

    So sorry this has happened to your family.
  8. wangotango

    wangotango New Member

    hey , my family is so messed up they still dont believe i have lyme disease . i come from a terrible home with a stepmom from hell. she abused me sexually , emotionaly and physicaly. my dad just put up with it or he never new heck it went on all the time. i have seen shrinks that tell me i am lying, so i call my brother to confirm it. he told me he cant believe i havent killed anyone or died from something but i made it and it let me have great insite i to other people. man people who are abusive are also predictable as hell. family is a sick persons fight sometimes. best of luck bill 50 yrs old
  9. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    I seem to have absorbed all the pain and hurt from last week, and realized I will go on because that's the only thing I know how to do. Like every other time I was severely hurt, I got back up and went on. It's a choice. Either lose who you are to a cruel and manipulative type of love, or tell yourself you'll get through it. I choose to get through it, to let go of the past and help other people giong through it. Much like Legolas in Lord of the Rings "My Heart Tells me Go On' And so must I.

    Soft Hugs,
  10. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    {{{{{{{{{{{Gentle Hugs}}}}}}}} Stacey,

    I am so sorry to hear about all the troubles you are going thru now, it breaks my heart to hear what your daughter said to you. First of all non of this is your fault, I am sure you did all you could at the time your ex took your daughter. Laws have changed since then.
    It is scarey to think how angry your daugher is and to know that she has a postion of authroity in the military. She really needs some counseling asap and much help from some one who can really treat her. I have two daughters in the military and both have told me that When a familiy member goes crazy and is a threat and could harm her self or family, or the public. Some one needs to write to her CO and explain what has happened in her life to cause these issues.

    I dont' suggest that you do this, Maybe call the RedCross and talk to a chaplin and give them all the info about her life and problems. Maybe they can suggest some thing to help you to get her some help that she needs before she hurts some one or her self. It may take a call to her Comanding officer to get his attettion I don't know. Maybe your other daughter could help you find out what to do about her verbalbeabuse to you and your family.

    I don't think that you should do this but maybe if her comanding officer knew about her treatment of her mother he/ she could get her some help. I don't want you to write her C.O as it could come back on you and she could be worse in her treatment of you. But some one who knows the case and details needs to inform the RED Cross and let them know so that you are protected and they get the correct information and all documents that go with her case and situation. My friend has a son who was in the army and he was not writeing to her and not letting her know what was going on in his army life.. The army values family and the relationships that family's have.She called the Red cross and had them talk to his c.o. and things chagned for her.

    You sound like your heart is broken and it hurts for this lost child. I don't know the situtaion and all that h appened but not only did her being kidnapped by her father hurt her but it has hurt you as well, I am sure that you did all you could to get things fixed and your daughter returned to you. None of this is your fault and you sound like a kind , loving mother who only wants to help her daughters. Bless you for all the love you have in your heart .

    AS I said you should not be the one to call the military about this situation as she will turn it around on you and things would get worse for you and your family. Check out the army or what ever branch she is in for abuse of family members. for those who have suffered tramua and need treatment. There must be a web site that you can get this info from. And find out how to get it to the proper people who can help her and prootect you and her from harming her self of some one else.
    Now for you sweetie, try and rest and not stress over this, I know that is going to be hard on you as having daughter troubles really affect mothers alot. Get as much rest as you can, be with people who are have a postivie attitude and love you just as you are.
    Change your phone number to an unlisted one so that she can't call and upset you. IF you do that just give it to your family members and friends who won't give it to her. I know that sounds harsh but it is about the only way I know of stopping her rants on the phone to you.
    TAlk to your doctor and see if you can get some thing to ease your pain , and maybe find a counsler that you can share your story with and will not tell any one else.
    Remember you have not done any thing wrong, your a good mother who loves her children and wants them to have a good , happy life. You need to take some time for you, get a massage, have a spa day at home if you can, you know just get some aromatherapy oils and do mini mani and peddies on your friends and family. Find some scents that will ease your mind and help you to relax and destress.

    Most of all love your self, you are a good mother, person, woman and are some one special . You have many gifts and talents and lots of love to share. Be kind to your self, spend time with your granddaughters. Let your husband take care of you as well, don't stress over things you can't change, I know that this is the hardest thing of all to do.

    Before leaving the topic of your daughter when she was kidnapped by her biological sperm donor who treated her horriabley is there any court records, police investagation's that were filed about this situtiaoin? if there is get them and have them to present to any one who does not belivie you. If your daughter is doing this to you you can call the police on her, for parenal abuse, be sure to record what she says and does and her phone calls. So if she ever calls the police on you again you have proof that she is the one with the problem and needs help asap. IF you did that and you have proof of all that has happened to you and her due to the result of her kidnapping , they police could call her comanding officer and she may get in some trouble but in the end she could get some much needed help.

    I believe in you, you are stronger than you think,having stress's like this one takes a huge toll on your body, get lots of rest, and try out different methods of relaxing , meditation, massage, self hyponosis, all these methods may help you to find a space to unwind and let this tension out of your body. I am not a a medical person, I just can feel your pain. I am praying for you and your family to find the peace you need to recover from this flare and just to have peace of mind. BE kind to your self, I know that you are a sweet woman and a good mother.

    May God be with you and you are in my prayers.
  11. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    I could not have gotten through without all your love and support. This has been a bad time for our family and for me, but I feel so much better, knowing that the "kindness of strangers" is out there. It just gives me an overwhelming sense of warmth and support.

    Bill, it helps to know there are other families like mine. You never know from the street what's really going on behind those windows. But I want mine to always have a "Welcome" sign on it.

    Rosemarie, you're absolutely right. I AM afraid of recrimination, but I am looking for a support group for people with PTSD kids. I wish I could contact the Red Cross. The thing is, there ISN'T one here! There was, but they lost funding and closed the office. All there really is down here is a Navy recruiter, and I think I'm going to go talk to him and see what he suggests. At the very least, he could make some calls for me. I'm former Army (Vietnam) and PTSD wasn't even heard of back then. It should have been, but don't get me started on how Vietnam vets were treated. "And that's al I have to say about that!"

    And dear Leah, where would I be without you to hold me up and keep me going? So many nights I have felt your friendship!

    And to every one of you, I wish you could all come up to Alaska this summer, and plop in a field full of flowers and watch the clouds with me. I would point out all the wildlife and we would have soft, fuzzy, warm blankets and lots of pillows! Love to all of you!

    Soft hugs,
  12. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    Hi Stacey. I haven't read the other posts, but here's my 2 cents.

    She's 30 years old and it's time for her to grow up. You don't have to take this nonsense even though you are her mom. You did the best you could with the situation.

    Now, she needs to learn forgiveness. This is her problem now, not yours.

    Next time she does this, disconnect from her. I don't have any children, but I was very close to my mom before she died.

    She's acting like an insane person. Is she an alcoholic?

    Anyway, don't put up with that bullcrap anymore. Put the Anger where it belongs, right back at her. She's an adult and needs to act like one.

    You don't owe her anything.

  13. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I just cannot imagine going through all of what you're dealing with, with your daughter. I'm so very sorry!

    As others have mentioned, she is an adult now. Time to stop blaming others for how she feels. She needs to deal with her feelings and get help if it's too much for her.

    Do NOT put up with it from her. If she thinks she can talk to you that way, treat you so poorly, then she will continue. If she knows it upsets you, then that's another way she can get to you and get what she wants.

    I would matter-of-factly and firmly tell her you will no longer be treated that way. By making that choice and decision also shows that she should be able to do the same. I'd be as calm as possible next time she goes off on you and tell her "no more". Don't let her hear you cry or yell or anything else. She has learned how to manipulate you and can only do that if you let her.

    It does her NO favors to go on blaming everyone else for the life she had. At some point she has got to deal with it and move on.

    In the meantime, please take care of yourself! I can actually feel the stress come over my body with pain when I am stressed out. I am such a firm believer in how badly stress affects us.